In Ten Days

May 4, 2007 - would have been my anniversary with Mike. I decided to reflect upon this early, as I wanted to be prepared. Last year, he and I spent a long lunch together, talking, crying, rehashing the past - with thoughts of possible reconciliation. There seemed to be hope at that time that, despite his infidelity and continued affair with the woman who had absolutely no regard for my marriage, he still respected the vows he took. But, alas this was not to be the case. So this year, this date will hold no value to me what so ever.

Yet, something amazing has been happening to me in the past month. My life is blooming like I never imagined it would! I have had the most marvelous time with my friends. I am truly finding happiness in the crappy a** hand that those two low lifes dealt me.

Yeah, I will never forgive either of them. The whore for being an adulteress who has no thought of lying, sneaking around and breaking up a marriage. She has no worth to me. But Michael...he is a different story. Not only did he lie, cheat and act like an out and out coward. These things I forgave him for. He refused to be a man. He refused to try and make our marriage work. He refused counselling and refused to attempt to make good on the vows he made to me. He never had the ability to be honest with me. He is the ultimate coward, manipulator and truly the worst betrayer of me and my love. For this he will never be forgiven.

But, I've come to realize, I don't need to forgive him to be happy. And, despite him, I am happy. I am enjoying my athletic and creative pursuits, working to help others, doing such fun things and Oh, I am laughing so much. I'm more busy than I'd like, but I'm just so fulfilled these days. I just can't remember a time when I felt so free and laughed so much. I really think college was the last time I felt this good! Absolutely amazing!

So this year, I won't be celebrating the life long commitment I made to a man who has no ability to keep commitments or be faithful. I will be celebrating the glory of this new life that God has created from the ashes. I will be with roomie, the gorgeous halfbreed, sexy secret service boy, singing Swahili, torn girl, chica, and a host of others who are the most amazing folks on this planet!

God is good; God is faithful and I will trust in Him in all things

Reflections

I'm taking this wonderful "class" on becoming a Christian caregiver called the Stephen's ministry. In our first session, we were given a bible verse and asked to reflect on it. Here's what I came up with....

The verse:
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing.Zephaniah 3:17


My Reflections:

Sobbing on the floor,
Flailing arms and legs
Broken heart! Broken spirit!

The Lord is mighty to save!
He is with you
And will quiet you with His love.

Cursing out the door,
Destructive thoughts and words
Clenched fists! Clenched teeth!

The Lord is mighty to save!
He is with you
And will quiet you with His love.

Sneaking through the halls,
Scrutinizing eyes and ears
Grasping hands! Grasping feet!

The Lord is mighty to save!
He is with you
And will quiet you with His love.

Hiding in the closet,
Knocking knees and elbows
Chattering teeth! Chattering soul!

The Lord is mighty to save!
He is with you
And will quiet you with His love.

Absolute Mess...

Yup that's me! Thinking I'm in a better place/frame of mind. And, I know what I should and shouldn't do. But as usual, I falter. I get caught up in the moment, the time, and forget everything I've learned, everything I know. I know better than to do what I'm doing, yet I don't want to not do it. Is it really that wrong or am I now just rationalizing it. How can something feel so absolutely right and wrong at the same time. How can the sound of his voice or the touch of his hand just put me in a trance. Such a need to reach out emotionally and help him through what I've been through. Thinking don't cross the line, but still crossing it. Sitting here a mess, too tired to think. Honest disclosure to him, but never the less, knowing where he is and how he can't fathom it. It's my responsiblity to do the right thing. And, I'm not even sure what that is. I look deep inside and just can't understand. I know God is shaking his head at me right now. Like I do with my fav. 17 year old. Going to make a mistake, gotta let her learn the hard way...

Scott...work in progress

So, it has been a sad day. Why did this happen to me. Why did I meet someone who seems so right to me in so many ways. Yet, find out, he is months maybe years away from being in a place where he can move forward with me. Being shown that Michael wasn't the only one, but not being allowed to have ones that could work. Seems like a cruel joke or maybe some very profound lesson that I've yet to learn, figure out...


Holding you,
Knowing you
can’t really be mine
Not understanding
That look in your eye.

Touching you
Feeling you
with pure tenderness.
Unable to register
The burning desire

Wanting you
Dreaming you
Are somebody else
not burdened by another
Free Like the wind

Friendship Quote

It's been awhile since I wrote. Just wanted to post a quote to let you all know I'm still breathing. A bit belabored...too much exercise these days...ha!

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cast your vote!

Thought this quote deserved it's very own blog...

How you spend your money is how you vote on what exists in the world.

So with the quote fresh in my mind, when I (finally) finished my MD tax return today, I checked to donate some of it to the Cheasapeake Bay wildlife foundation.

Ode to Dev!

Okay, so no poem here. Actually my own personal Zagat's list of restaurants in B'more. Dev took me to most of these. He definitely had good taste in food and wine (hell in women, too - if you include me!)

Fells Point
Pazo is a great tapas type Mediterranean restaurant on Alicianna (near fells)
Arcos – Mexican in fells pt. area. Outside patio in back of restaurant. Cool ambiance.
Bertha's is in Fells Point. Known for their Mussels. Have music afterwards some nights.

On Charles Street
Akbar Restaurant – Indian
Tapas Teatro - Good tapas place right next to Charles Theater
The Helmand is in Mount Vernon. It's an Afghan restaurant.

Federal Hill
Thai Alloy is a Thai restaurant in Federal Hill - right by Regis. Great Thai, inexpensive.

Little Italy
Aldos is great!

The Ambassador Dining room - Canturbury Road in B’more. Great Indian. It's considered very romantic, but not sure why. Pricey.

Petite Louis Bistro – Roland Park. Inexpensive French. Great food!

Salt is in Butcher's Hill. Very trendy. Pricy but great food, great wine.