I love my gay ass girlfriend... that is my new knickname for killer of fish, C2, roomie, Sunshine, Scrappy snack giver. Last night I tried to massage the knots out of her back and we decided we are gayer than ever. But, it's all good!
She is the most amazing sounding board...helping me to understand my feelings and get to the root of what's bugging me. She is so loving and understanding, kind and compassionate, just the most giving person I've ever met!!! It is because of her that I KNOW God is looking after me. He sent her to me and me to her and ever since, my life has been wonderful. So what's bugging me???
Let's start with the gorgeous half breed. She is one of the sweetest people on the face of this planet. But she won't speak up when she feels she is being hurt. She lets herself be hurt, tells me everything is fine, runs off to lick her wounds and then comes back to say I hurt her. GAG asked me why it was so hurtful to me and I realized it's because that's what the Cowardly Cheating Ex did to me. I asked him time and time again what was wrong. So many times I went to him in the studio and he said he was just busy, overwhelmed, etc. Never let on how unhappy he was. I figured he was creating, I was in the way and I went off to another part of the house to be lonely and sad. I took him for his word as we grew apart and he turned to that little adultery committing whore. I feel like I am just living that all over again every time C3 gets upset. Just waiting for the day she says she doesn't want to my friend any more because I'm such an inconsiderate bitch.
Then there is my relationships with men. First there is LB. Was with him for a year. Not sure why I stayed with someone who was so damn superficial for so long. Hell, not sure why I didn't realize how superficial he was til after we broke up and he commented on how I was desirable now that we are over since I was wearing make-up and skirts. WTF!!!! I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed I kicked his ass for sleeping with someone already. Ha what a joke that is! He says he doesn't have a girlfriend and here I am being a common whore. Yet, he is the one with the loose morals..or so I told myself when we were together. I mean, who else would date a stripper??? It grosses me out to think I was with him. I think finding out he had been so into her is what made me loose all respect for him. So, GAG asks me what about me do I hate about him? Isn't it obvious, I've turned into him in the last few months.
First there was the injured bird that was placed at my feet. And, in true C1 style I screwed that boy up! Just couldn't keep it platonic. He is in such horrible turmoil and what do I do...yeah, let my own desires drive me. What the hell kind of Christian am I? Now, I can't even talk to him for fear of messing him up further. Kind of sucks when the best thing for someone is to stay far away from me. But it is. Along comes S3, I really liked him...felt it was a folly that would never go anywhere and therefore was safe. But like all things C1, I screwed up. Let myself get drunk around him, trusted him, and was physical with him. Yeah, this time I mananged not to have sex. But it doesn't matter. I still feel used and violated. Mostly because I'm sure he doesn't care for me in that way. It really sucks. GAG helped me understand this and that resulted in two things. First the e-mail. I decided I was going to lay it on the line and tell him how much he hurt me. Not that it will make the hurt go away, but maybe he'll not do something like that again to someone else. Worst part is I know it was my fault. I was the one who drank too much. I was the one who hit on him. I was the one who didn't control my actions. Yet, I dump on him. Maybe just maybe, things won't be weird and we can stay friends. Other than the whole getting drunk thing, I think he is a good friend. But, as you can tell, I am so f-ing broke when it comes to men that I can't even begin to guess about that realm.
The dream last night summed it up. It had to do with me and two co-workers. J has questionable morals and ethics. Not the type of guy you'd trust as far as you could throw them, especially if you're weak as me. Then there is E, one of the sweetest, kindest people you could ever know. Honest and trustworthy. In my dream, I'm sleeping and am awoken by J touching me inappropriately. I was enjoying it while I slept and thought it was a dream (dreams are so weird sometimes!). But, when I awoke and saw it was J touching me, I was agast. I told him to get his dirty hands off me. He appologized and said he thought I was enjoying it. I was so angry I wanted to kick his ass from one end of the room to the other. But, as I lay there, I realized the anger was a mask for the hurt...typical of me. So, I cried. Along came E. He just wanted to comfort me. So with his hands outside of the sheets, he rubbed my back. I couldn't stand to have him touch me. I didn't feel worthy of his love and compassion. I ran away. He kept following me trying to help me feel better. But, all I wanted to do was to run into a corner, curl up in a ball and be left alone. Yeah, that is how I feel right now. I don't deserve to be comforted by anyone because the big, ugly mess I made of my life is my fault. It is through my own foolish actions that I am where I am right now. Lying naked on the floor crying, wanting no one to touch me, no one to see me, no one near me.
I am a shitty role model for my daughter. I used to think I was a good mom. I try, but I think being a good mom is really hard. Hopefully, I'm good enough. I know I'm a good engineer. It's funny how that logical side that I love most about me. I guess it's because the Spock in me doesn't screw up. I design kick ass tools. I take care of my customers and can be proud of what I do. I think I'm even a half way decent manager. A little less logic in that role, but still doing okay there. So yes, there are good things about me.
But, I just wish I could find a way to stop messing up all the relationships in my life.
