Bored to Tears

So I read this really great series of blogs. They start out talking about betrayal, go onto obsession and sadness…this could be the theme of my life for the past year and a half. My ex-husband cheated on me and ran off with the Jezebel. It still breaks my heart and brings me to tears to say it. I’ve tried to do all the right things to deal with it. I’ve turned to friends, talked to counselors, and filled my life with as many healthy things as possible: prayer, church, friends, sports, photography, writing, etc. But, it still hurts to think about. I’m not sure I’ll ever get to that forgiveness stage that Christ taught us so well. Strange thing is I don’t want to forgive him. It’s as if holding back my forgiveness will make him rot in hell or at least experience the hell he has caused me to live in and feel. I know better, but can’t seem to let it go.

I think this is because my life is so unappealing to me. I have two of the most amazing friends who planned the best birthday ever! But, I still went to bed alone that night…like every other night. Night after stinking night – it sucks. I try to convince myself how cool it is to sleep without someone else disturbing me or worrying about whether I’ll disturb them during the night; but truly it just sucks. And, so I blame the cowardly, cheating ex for this.

And, then there is this horrible issue of my guy friends. The other day one told me he didn’t want to be married any more because he wanted to be with me. Did he think that would be a compliment? Did he think I’d be flattered? It just disgusted me to think he would say such a thing. I know and like his wife. She is a sweet person. How could he think like that about her? Why would he think I would even consider such a proposition. I really was so dumbfounded, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t find the words to answer other than…ha, ha, you’re so funny - refusing to acknowledge his statement. It killed me because I really liked him. He was such a fun person to hang out with and now I feel like that isn't possible any more. He's not the first, either. I've had two other married guy friends tell me they are in love with me. Neither of them implied anything more, probably because they understand how strongly I oppose adultery. But even so, I’m constantly hearing from these and other married guys (I work in a 95% male occupation, so most of my co-workers and friends are guys) how wonderful I am. How much they wish there was someone who could love me and take care of me the way I deserve. So tell me, why haven’t any single guys figured this out, huh? Why am I constantly hearing this from men who are unavailable? So I blame this crap on my cowardly, cheating ex, too.

I think what really gets to me is the thought I’ll never find someone for me who is intellectually, emotionally and physically appealing. Seems like most of the time, I only find one in three! I can’t stand the thought of growing old alone. I can live in the right now and appreciate how much las tres amigas mean to me, but it still doesn’t make this feeling of turning into Marge – the sad, lonely older lady I met on my birthday. My dos amigas are in their mid twenties and have so much to give. All they need to do is come across the 30 something guy who’s ready to wed and off they’ll go. I’m too old for that man - even if not, I’m not sure I can be convinced to start another family. So, that’s another strike against me. Ah, yes, another thing to blame on the cheating ex. He came along when I was 30 and took that away from me - the big fat jerk.

It’s that not knowing that really sucks. If I knew that all I had to be is patient for 1,2 or 5 years and then my prince charming would come along, I think all this sadness would start to go away. I’d love to believe that all I have to do is be patient and faithful and then I’ll be rewarded. But, I don’t really have either of them in abundance these days. Patience never was really my thing. But, while I’ve been trying it in small doses, I still think that virtue is highly over rated. Ugh! The faith thing is something that has never wavered but these days I feel like God is expecting too much from me. I’ve really tried to resist all the temptation that has been dabbled in front of me. I’m trying to be the person he wants. And, I believe he’s sent my girls to help. But, this gnawing feeling of being so alone is really getting to me. I feel like I should settle for someone less than. Just for the comfort. It’s so damn wrong and I couldn’t do that to another person, but I wonder at what point in my life will I just say what the heck and settle. I don’t ever want to do that.

I’d kind of like to have a sit down with God – just a quick one to One. Sadly, I can think of the conversation I would have with God. So, Big Guy, what’s Your plan for my life partner? What, that was it? Two adult relationships with two unfaithful jerks. That’s it? You want me to sleep alone the rest of my life. Okay, so here’s the deal. I don’t need the sex, just the cuddling. Just to have someone lie next to me and help me forget the world for awhile, someone to whisper to, someone to play hookie with on those rainy days, someone to hold me when something makes me cry. Come on, seriously, this is it? There's got to be another choice? Okay, I'll take it. Yeah, I'm sure, I’d rather be struck dead than to be alone the rest of my life.
So, yeah, the whole faith thing is on shaky ground right now. Guess that’s another reason I’m sad and more reason that I can’t forgive that cheating ex. Nothing has rocked my faith like this prolonged period of uncertainty. I mean my faith is still there but I’m not sure how long I can hold onto it. That really sucks, too.

Josephine - in progress

An ear who listens
To the heart that’s broken
Comfort given
Advice spoken.

Two arms embrace
when life is tough
all worries fade
with just one puff.

Never judging
Josephine

Time to play
Even cheat at cards
Leaning post
When times are hard.

A hand to hold
And guide my way
Tender actions
Brighten my day.

Ever loving
Josephine

Blind eyes that see
And read His WordGently Voiced
Make sure He’s heard

Never judging
Ever loving
Josephine

The visit

She is lying there with tubes coming and going from her nose, arms and legs. Rag on her head and eyes shut. Arms and stomach swollen. But, she’s looking better than the day before. She opens her eyes and says, “Hi, how’s Brittany?” Yeah, this has been my greeting for the last 17 years. She recognizes me! She wasn't awake for long. Meanwhile, I visited with my Aunt and shortly thereafter my Dad. Grandma woke up at asked for a "nice bowl of ice cream". My Aunt asked if she'd like water instead and without missing a beat Grandma said quietly, "well that isn't ice cream, now, is it?" She planted the seed and took the water. Shortly thereafter, my Uncle showed up with Grandpa. Grandpa - he's 98 and other than a hearing aid his body is still just fine. But, his mind is finally going...yeah, we have some longevity in our genes! He seemed so confused.

He sees her and loves floods his face. He goes over kisses her and sits down. Sadness envelopes him... she just came into the hospital for a hip operation, why all the tubes, why is she sleeping so much? When she stirs, he asks her if she’s going to sleep all day. His hope is shushed by my Dad. Sadness and confusion returns to his face. Why is he not allowed to speak to his wife? He tries to follow the conversation, as it bounces about the room. But his poor hearing and lack of recognition of faces makes it difficult. They all know each other but who is this somewhat familiar face. I smile at him and he gives me a big grin. So, I go over, sit with him and hold his hand.

We left to visit mom shortly thereafter. After lunch with mom, Lyn and I went back to the hospital. This time my other Aunt is there. Good, this one can be bribed! We told her we'd let her have the rest of the ice cream we smuggled in for grandmom if she promised to not tell anyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah...let me tell you all the times grandma gave us ice cream when she wasn't supposed to! Plus, it was my sister’s idea. All I did was smuggle it into the room in my purse and stand guard to be sure the nurses weren't around. So, my sis gives her couple spoons of the nice bowl of ice cream and gave the rest to Auntie as hush money. Then, she and I sit and chat quietly for awhile. Of course it wasn't long before I got the do you have a boyfriend? question that my single sisters get so pissed off about. I laugh... that’s my response to most of the absurd questions my family ask me and say, "nah, not in the cards for me right now." And there was my grandma to defend me (as she has done my whole life). "well don't you be in any hurry, sweet heart." She was awake, lucid and ready to dish out some advice. I told her that was good advice. She said, "You take your time until you find the right one. And, if you make sure you have your own money, you don't have to marry him if you don't want to." This from the devout Roman Catholic ninety-five year old who we all believe should be nominated for saint status...as close to from the mouth of God as possible...don't you think? "Of course grandma." She smiled and then added, "But be careful, boys are only after one thing." My rotten little sister can't contain herself, "What's that Grandma." I almost knocked her off the chair and grandma just smiled. I said, "It's to cook for them, right?" And she agreed. I wish I could have taped that whole last conversation we had so I can replay it over and over again.

The next few visits I found her sleeping peacefully, morphine doing it’s job. During my last visit before I had to return to MD, I prayed for her, kissed her on the forehead and made the sign of the cross, as she has done for me many, many times before. I have to praise God that he gave me the time to talk to Grandma. Just a few minutes with her where she knew I had come to see her. It was all I had hoped and prayed for.

This Sucks!

It sucks to lose someone who you love, respect and want to emulate. My grandmom is dying and it really, really sucks. She is possibly the most wonderful person I have ever known. She is smart, honest, compassionate, gentle, a great cook, sympathetic, gives the best advice and she is patient. Yeah, patient…I don’t do patience. But everything else - I want to be like that. She’s been in a great deal of pain for the past year, so her patience have been tried. But she is a phenomenal lady. About ten days ago, she fell, broke her hip and into the hospital she went. Then it was just a series of problems and attempts to resolve them. I have to thank God, as He gave me my special time with her. I got to see her and say goodbye. I kissed her forehead and made the sign of the cross when I left her on Sunday. I’m sure that will be the last time I will see her alive. I was just informed that the doctors have moved her to hospice. It really sucks to be 300 miles away. But, it sucks more knowing there isn’t much time left. Part of me is glad because she has been in so much pain that I know she wants to move on. But, the selfish part is really hurting because I won’t get to talk to her anymore. She was always the one I turned to when I messed up. She was always willing to listen, understand, forgive and help me make things right. She ALWAYS was on my side against Dad, even when I was so, so wrong. How could you not absolutely love someone like that? A lot of things in my life have seemed so not fair. But, I can’t say this isn’t fair because she’s in her nineties. I am so lucky and blessed to have had her in my life for so long. But, I’m still not ready to let her go. But are we ever?

Symbiotic Relationship

My friend, M&M is hilarious. We have a great deal of fun e-mailing each other when we should be working. He brings so much entertainment into what is my otherwise drab existence. He says I do the same for him. I’m so glad it’s a symbiotic relationship. The other day we got talking about toes…lord knows how. I told him I had 12 and they were painted pink. He wrote me this poem full of inside jokes…

This little piggy went to the Mall.
This little piggy should have stayed home.
This little piggy had Anchor Steam.
This little piggy had none.
This little piggy was painted pink.
This little piggy lived in a box.
This little piggy waited for cabana boy.
This little piggy had no boy toy.
This Little piggy went to see Genesis.
This Little Piggy buys a lot of concert tickets.
This Little Piggy Can't Spell.
And... This Little Piggy is surely going wee wee wee all the way to hell.


Last week, he wrote me this song. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Sung to Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles.

New lyrics by anonymous.

Ah, look at all the B&D people
Ah, look at all the B&D people

George Jadman picks up some tickets from ebay where a concert has been
Lives in a dream

Waits by the mailbox, wearing a face from Guinness he keeps on a shirt
His wallet hurts

All the B&D people
Where do they all come from?
All the B&D people
Where do they all belong?

Here is Dan Castle writing the words to a manual that no one will read
Only Joseph will need.

Look at him sleeping. Up on his screen blinks solitaire. What does he care?

All the B&D people
Where do they all come from?
All the B&D people
Where do they all belong?

See Kathy Lastner banging out e-mails in search of a bud
She badly needs love

Fills up the bar room Friday and David likes to be there
Wanting more hair

All the B&D people
Where do they all come from?
All the B&D people
Where do they all belong?


Today when I told him that I had over 50 emails to deal with today, he told me he was sure there was a song in there somewhere. I suggested he use Paul Simon as inspiration and just stick with 50. Within 3 minutes this reply came…

50 ways to read your e-mail?

Start with a click chick
Read it real quick Mick
Open and go Joe
Never respond slow...


He’s dubbed me the Queen (for no apparent reason). So I’ve dubbed him my court jester – for apparent reasons. Work is far more entertaining with him around.

Cheese puffs

What is it with my married friends? Seems like all my guy friends who are married just think it would be so great for me to find a boyfriend. They are on the constant look out. And they scheme (worse than most old biddies, too) to find a way to introduce me to their single friends. The cynic in me wonders if it is to make their wives feel better. Or Maybe they know I'm not so sure I want a boyfriend so their just trying to toment me. The romantic in me says they are happy being married and plain out terrified of being single. So they want to save me from this undesireable marital status I've been thrust into. No matter what, the scheming goes on and I love my friends despite (or maybe because) of it. :)

My married friend (M&M) tried to set up a situation where I would meet this guy he thinks I'd "hit it off with" at his party. Of course being the brillant schemeer, M&M didn't tell either of us before hand. Funny how I found out... M&M's neighbor/friend the flying Italian -Flavio and I ended up sitting next to each other at a table where a few different conversations were happening. After a bit, he said, "AHHH, I was right. You are the infamous, Italian Cheryl." Ahhhh, I wonder what M&M had been discussing about me to Flavio. I've heard the stories about Flavio, so I can only imagine. When M&M approached the table, Flavio asked him where is the dude? M&M said he didn't show. And Flavio said, "he would just be cheese puffs for her any way." I said to Flavio, "you barely know me. Why would you say that?" He said, "I see you enough and know the dude. He would definitely be cheesepuffs for you. I have a better man for you." Of course he wants me to meet the better man in Venice when I go this summer. Ha! Well at least I know what M&M had discussed with Flavio prior to meeting me. As entertaining as his friends were, I would have loved to meet the Dude (aka Cheese puffs). But, alas, it was not to be. Oh well, he would probably turn my fingers orange any way.

Mizpah

C2 left today and I miss her already.
Worried about her,
Praying God will keep her safe...

May the Lord watch between me and thee
while we are absent one from another.

No, we're not gay. :)