Angry

I've noticed my blog has been very angry this month. I guess it all started with my dog dying. I still hear him and find myself looking for him. It doesn't seem right that he is really gone. And, well I guess this tremendous emotion has stirred up all the other extreme emotions in my body. Possible? Any way, when I'm happy, I don't write. I just exude happiness. When I'm "emoting all over the place", i write and sulk (like all great, artsy people - not claiming to be great artsy, just to sulk like one!). My friends have learned to understand the sulking - quiet time I like to call it. One new friend just couldn't accept it, though. Not sure why... he is a moody artsy type himself. Hmmmm...maybe that's why. So today was tied up in an e-mail battle. I should have never started it. I knew he wouldn't understand...he can't, he's married and has been for pretty much his whole life. Tomorrow I'll post the "I'm tired of being single" blog. I don't have access to it this evening. But, I know, anyone who is single will say Amen to that sister! Then, I am promising myself to stop being such a broody artsy wanna be. There is too much humor in this world to sulk...I mean look at the duck billed platypus...God must have cracked himself up that day!!!!! Time to start looking...

Retarded boy revisted...

So the ballads were cast and counted and "not retarded" was the verdict...he is misunderstood and should be given a second (really third) chance, the masses uttered. Okay, so it was one person and I think she just desparately wants to see me with someone because while she is a wonderful friend, I think she is terrified I want her husband. (ludicrous on at least 3 different levels, but whatever). And way so Stupid got a second chance! The funniest part is the series of text messages that were sent. First was mine..."Why did you blow me off?" This comes 10 days after his last text message of "yeah, I think I'll do that. I'll talk to you later." (see "retarded or not" blog if you are completely lost.) Am I being TOO feminine in thinking that I should have heard from him within 10 days???? Oh yeah, the second half of my first message was, "I will never understand boys." Any way the answer was..."What the f- are you talking about? I'm in martha's vineyard?" Then one a minute later, "I will never understand girls." I took my good friend, Ts advice and just texted back, "ok". He clued me in on how well those two letters work.

Any way the response was, "I mean did you forget that I told you I as going out of town?" I wrote that I had known he was going out but thought it was just for the weekend. So when 10 days went by, i figured he had decided to blow me off. Does anyone out there think I'm crazy? Would you think the same? I really feel like I'm just totally clueless here. Any way his next message was "I just don't want you to think I blew you off." Again, with the "ok". (I really love T! too bad he's crazy or I'd hook up with him!). The next text, "No babe, lets' get together tomorrow or wed what ya say." Cynic in me wanted to write, I thought you were in Martha's vineyard. But, I held my fingers at bay. As his text of "Although the first two impressions i got from you is that men are unreliable and retarded. I think were your words" came in.

Hmmm...he's really kinda proving the point with his behavior...in my mind...but whatever. I wrote back that my schedule was pretty much booked up. If there was bad weather on Wed., my game would be cancelled and I'd be available. But other than that, the week was booked up with soccer and volleyball. Hey, I'm a planner, what can I say. His next text just floored me..."Well....I will leave it up to you alright sweety" I was so stunned with that text that the next one, which came 3 minutes later showed up.. "But I am leaving again after those two days and going to south carolina for like two weweks...but we should get together." I was glad I had this opportunity to make him understand a little about me... "That's such a bummer. I wish I had known you were only going to be around for two days or I wouldn't have committed to play." I really felt like I was already playing a fucking game. Either you want to see me or not? Either you have time and will call and make plans for me or you don't want to. Just stop playing cat and mouse. Yeah, yeah, I'm playing too...but I need to kind of figure out what the f this is all about. Crazy, yeah, I know! T told me to drop it. He, at least, thinks the guy is an idiot. Another gold star for T. And, the text back made me think my girlfriend must be missing something because RETARD is the first word that popped into my head. "Oh on wed and thrus your are surely playing in the evening. is that what you are saying" Which part of I have a game but if it is rained out did he not get? hmmmm...maybe he is the type of person who doesn't think it is necessary to keep your word. I mean if you tell your team mates you are going to play with them, you play with them...right? Again, I kept the cynacism to myself and just repeated first thing I wrote about if the weather is bad, I won't be playing. But if it is good, I will be playing. His reply, "Hmmm, that sucks well...:) what can I do to get you alone before I leave?" Are you starting to think I'm communicating with two different personalities? Because I am. Can you say bipolar? I think you can.

My reply, "Lunch in towson?" It's where I work and well, I can usually free up some time. His reply, "we'll see" I had to f-ing laugh. it was the last text I got last night. I really need to understand...is it me? Am I missing something here in the secret language of text mssg? Am I so far out from the dating game that I should understand what is going on????? Any way, this morning I text him that I just wanted him to know that I rarely keep my schedule open for a possible plan. That if he genuinely wanted to meet me for lunch, he should let me know. I go to lunch at 11:30 every day. Half the time I just hang with my boys but the other half I go out with a couple of individuals I enjoy hanging with. They usually give me a days notice...I'm a planner, remember? Oh yeah, his reply...as if I twisted his arm, "Alright then tomorrow for lunch...let me know the specifics, okay with you right?" Then two minutes later, the alter ego writes, "But can we make it maybe a late lunch....say 1 or 1:30." This comes from the guy who doesn't f-ing work during the day!!! What the hell is so important he can't meet me til 1???? I text him during my normal lunch time..."don't have access to phone in building. I'll check my schedule and get back with you later." I guess I could have just waited to text him...but whatever. He writes, "if not we'll get together when I get back okay" So any way, I check my schedule and once again, while not the least bit convenient to me, I schedule my normal 11:30 lunch from 1-2 for tomorrow. After I let him know he texts, "That will work great. I'm playing golf in havre da Grace at 4 p.m." Oh, now i get it. I needed to schedule my work around his leisure activity. Got it. yeah, I see this thing working...not! I mean if he was actually really good looking, charming and not bipolar or self-absorbed. Why then, he'd be perfect.

I keep being told by my friends and I quote, "you are a beautiful, smart, caring, articulate woman who deserves to be happy". yeah, so why is it I can't find a decent friggin man to date????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

p.s. I'm going tomorrow..but now it will just be an experiment in bipolar disorders...are they contagiuos?

Waves

Waves of grief come pouring over me
as the riptide of anger pulls me out to sea.

Floating alone in the ocean, I can see what's in my reach.
But I have no desire to head toward the beach.

If it were as simple to decide between swim or sink,
I couldn't say which way; I couldn't begin to think.

Move the arms, move the legs; treading through the day.
Question life, question God; it has become my way.

Morning replaces the sun and his face is gone again.
But still I float in solitude, despite the hands of friends.

Floating alone in the ocean, I can see what's in my reach
But I have absolutely no desire to head toward the beach.

tears roll down...

I've been crying alot lately. It's weird, though. I'm not really sure what's causing it. I'm afraid it is the waivering of my faith that is making me so sad. The other day I was in a discussion where folks were talking about times in their life where God was faithful and brought them through. I can name times like that. Where I was in dire straights, found myself praying like mad and things worked out fine. There were many of those times. And, it is those times that I am clinging to in attempt to cling to my faith. But, it's not helping. Nothing seems to be helping. I've never felt so alone and so abandoned in all my life. I should be grateful for the friends that I have and the support they give me, but it isn't enough. I still feel so empty and alone. I think I am doing all the "right" things to try to make these feelings go away, but it seems to only make it worse. When everyone was discussing His faithfulness, I had to leave the room. I broke down and sobbed for 10 minutes. I couldn't stop and I didn't know why. Then today, I sat on a plane bound for home and again just cried and cried and cried...until I managed to cry myself to sleep! I shouldn't be feeling this way. I have loving and supportive friends who are always there for me; my family is a good support network, too. But still I feel as empty as a human possibly can. So much of what is important to me has been taken from me in the past few years. I'm absolutely terrified of losing my baby girl, too.

I can't stand having that constant gnawing at my spirit. I'm tired of feeling like life is so unfair. Why does someone who has no regard for what they do to others get to go about and live a merry life and someone like me (I am truly an honest, compassionate and caring human being) has to continually suffer? It just totally tears at my faith. I just don't understand why God doesn't say that I've suffered enough and just start to bring some happiness my way. I don't want to feel so sad and torn apart. I want to "get on" with my life. But I can't. Instead it seems like I'm destined to continue to suffer...until what? Until I get so hard and uncaring that it doesn't matter. Until I start to have no regard for others and cause their suffering. Seems like that is just the way this world is. The more people you step on and hurt, the more you are rewarded. How can I believe in a God that lets this happen? It torments me to know that with each passing day, my faith grows weaker and the sadness gets deeper rooted into me.

Retarded or Not Retarded - you be the judge!

What is it with guys???? I mean I know I live by the mantra that boys are retarded, but still can’t I find one guy that proves me wrong??? Okay so you be the judge here and vote….retarded or not?!

So I meet this guy named Stupid…okay so that’s not his name. And I swear, I’m not trying to sway your “retarded or not” vote; I’m only tying to protect the idiot’s identity. I meet Stupid out one night and he is cute (not overly good looking but well enough), funny, sweet and seemingly very interesting. It was his personality that I was really drawn to. He calls the next day while I am hiking. I tell him I’ll call him back when I get off the trail. And I do. Surprisingly he wants to go out that night. I was pretty impressed with him not following the “retarded guy rule” of waiting 3 days to call and I agree. We go downtown to see the Bacon brothers. It was fun. He's really sweet and fun to hang out with. I could be my totally goofy self and he thinks it's cool. He's the right amount of "touchy" and affectionate. Put his arms around me a couple of times, took my hand, etc. He walked me to the door when I got home and kissed me good night. Asked if we could go out again. I told him my schedule of vball and church stuff and he picked my free night of Thursday.

So Thursday comes and as of 4:45 p.m., he still hadn't called (since I saw him on Sunday). So, I called one of my two best friends and asked her what I should do. I wanted to go to the gym and work out but my phone doesn't work at the gym. Didn't want him to think I blew him off but I didn't want to call him (yeah one of my idiosyncrasies). She said give him a courtesy call, so I did. He said he still planned on us going out; just didn't think I'd be out of work yet. So, I worked out and called him when I got home. He headed down to pick me up while I showered and changed. I think we left my house ~7 ish. We went to dinner and at dinner he asked me if I wanted to do something after. I asked if he had seen the other Harry Potter movies and he said he had seen all of them. So I suggested seeing the new one. We walked across the street to the mall, through and around the mall...funny story about finding the movie place which isn't in the mall (maybe another time). It was just after 8:00 and the next movie didn't start til 8:50. We got tickets and went to Maggie Moos for ice cream. Lots of cuddling during the movie and the long walk around the mall on the way back - got home around midnight. Kissy kiss at the door stop. He wanted to see me on Friday but I already had plans to be with my friends. He said he is going to call me and try to pull me away from my friends since he didn't have to work. I said "maybe it will work." Got a “good morning beautiful, have a nice day”, text from him Friday morning. So far “not retarded” right? Cute, funny, fun, sweet… but not retarded…yet!

Friday night at 7:00 p.m. I get a text message asking what I was up to. Well, I was downtown getting ready to see one of my favorite bands (see http://scalzo-writes.blogspot.com/2007/07/kiss-off.html). I tell him about the last minute notification, the show and the location just prior to having beer dumped on me and my phone. That was it for my communication to him until 1 a.m. when I managed to text him and tell him about the waiter and my poor, poor phone. Any way, when I get up Saturday morning, should I say Saturday afternoon 12:03 p.m. or so, there is a text from him that asks if I like tennis (arrived at 10 a.m.). I text back and say yes, but I’m not very good (understatement of the year!). A half hour later he texted me back and says, “Too bad you took so long to get back to me, I already went for a bike ride.” Now I’m thinking WTF? Is that a bitchy tone or what? Can’t you do two physical activities in one day? Or are you just busting my chops? So I just text back, “Sorry. I was exhausted and needed to sleep in. Maybe we can do it tomorrow?” He writes back “yeah, maybe”. Again WTF??!!! Am I sensing a bit of what here? I thought I had the right response… sorry I didn’t text you back immediately…I was sleeping. Yeah, I’m a bit lazy but whatever. I resisted the urge to text back his "yeah, maybe" with “don’t do me any favors!” Yeah, Suga, I know that is what you would’ve done!!! I chose not to reply and just go about my already planned out Saturday and Sunday… Artscape with one friend, dinner and music at the Lakefront with another, church on Sunday and lunch with other friends. About 2 or 3 p.m., I got a text from Stupid asking if I wanted to play. I told him I had just started cutting the lawn. He wrote back he had some things to do, too, so how about in an hour. While that wasn't ideal, I said sure. Well then he texts back, Or, we could go to artscape instead. I wrote that it was a great idea but I had just gone on Saturday. He wrote back "That sucks! There's a Reggae band I really want to see." At this point, I was pretty pissed off. I mean, why ask me to play tennis if he wanted to go to artscape? And, if he really wanted to see this band, then why did he wait til the last minute to ask me? This is NOT logical or considerate of me and my time. So, I texted back, "well, you should go then. I have to be home at 7 p.m. to pick up my daughter at the airport, so we wouldn't have that much time together any way." And you know what he did? He actually wrote, "yeah, that's what I'll do. Talk to you later." WTF??!!!! RETARD!!! So you ask me to play tennis but have no inkling of playing??? Tennis is an hour game that I didn't need to shower and change for. Artscape is a whole other ball park… need to shower, do my hair, dress appropriately, the drive down and back (in traffic and with his piss poor navigational skills – yeah another story about that), walk around, watch the band. In all, it is an investment of a lot of time, etc. If it was really what he wanted to do, they why didn’t he ask me that in the first place?

I really wanted to give him a second chance. Give him the chance to explain the "yeah, maybe" text message he sent Saturday. But as far as I am concerned the retarded card has been thrown and another one bites the dust. Am I really being too harsh????? Tell me Retarded or Not? Not sure you can sway me, though! Stupid is as Stupid does!

Kiss Off

I got to see one of my favorite bands this weekend! I was so excited. My ex bf, who I hang out with as friends, let me know they were playing and asked a bunch of us if we wanted to go. It was awesome. They played Power Plant live in the plaza and they totally rocked out. The whole night was a blast – except for the 3 beers that were dumped on me and my phone by the waiter. He was very apologetic. Luckily, I was wearing khaki colored pants and a pink tank – and the beer wasn't too dark. The worst part was my phone, which was out of commission for a few hours. It seems to be working fine now – knock on wood! They started playing around 9:30 p.m. I couldn't believe how old Gordon looked. But then again, none of us are getting any younger! His vocals were great, Brian and the band sounded phenomenal. They played all the favorites. American Music was played mid-set. I like American Music best, baaaaby! We were at a great spot in the crowd for me to dance as wildly as I have years past. I only saw one body surfer the whole night…which made sense as the crowd was only about ¼ - 1/3 fans. I checked it out right away wondering if I would be able to surf. Instead, I had to settle for dancing the whole time…but I was loving it. The encores were (of course) blister in the sun and Kiss Off. I never realized how appropo kiss off is to describe my life in the past couple of years!
I'll take one, one, one cuz you left me,
222 for my family,
333 for my heartache,
444 for my headache,
555 for my loney and
666 for my sorrow and
77 for no tomorrow,
88, I forget what 8s for and,
999 for a lost god and
10,10,10,10 for everything, everything, everything!
You can just kiss off into the air,
behind my back I can see them stare,
they'll hurt me bad but I don't mind,
they'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time!
It really was a perfect ending to a great night!

Of course there was a downer to the night. It made me sad that x-bf and I aren't together any more. I care for him more than one could imagine, but he has the emotional depth of a teaspoon (yeah I stole that line). Actually, he is emotional, he just likes to bury it deep inside and not let it out. He can't handle other people's emotions and that's what tore us apart. I'm emotional…really???? I needed that support and understanding that he couldn't give me and it tore me apart. Plus, he's told me "you look nice" more times in the past few months than he did the whole year we were together. I need that reassurance. A certain sneaky, lying cheating ex husband destroyed my self confidence and I need to feel like the person I'm with really wants to be with me. I couldn't handle being with someone that didn't make me feel extra special, so we split. It's awesome that we hang out now, but after we hang out, I really wish there was a way to make it all right between us. I'm sure it just was never meant to be but he is still one of the sweetest guys I know.

Long ago

So the story begins...I was asked if I had ever had my timing belt changed on my vehicle. Now if you don't know what this is, don't worry about it...just realize that my friend was trying to take care of me and keep me from being left stranded due to poor vehicle maintenence. My usual remark to this type of question... yeah, probably, whenever it was due. uhhhh... then again maybe not. I dunno. Guess I should check. huh?

So, when I got home, I got to my car maintence file (yeah, I'm that neurotic/organized) and look for any indication that this work was done. I was suspecting it was done around October 2005. I faintly remember I had a ton of work done to make the car go another 100k. So yeah, I find the paperwork and realize it was done November 7, 2005...less than a week before my life was turned upside down. I realized at that point there is so much that I have blocked out. So much of my life that I've chosen not to remember. You know, one of those life before and life after. Cuz yeah, my life is like that - and not due to my own chosing.. so it's all that more dramatic to me. Any way, the story continues, despite my attempts to thwart it... I check and find out all is well with little Corny185.

Since I had to step over the guitar to check out the paper work, I pick it up to play. I'm really not sure why I decided to start playing again. Part of me thinks it's to prove I don't need the bastard to have music in my life. The sad part is I don't think I'll ever get all that good. He used to tell me how quickly I picked stuff up and how good I was. But, these days, I don't seem to be able to remember how to strum! Maybe I just don't have natural rhythm. I'm pretty sure I don't, actually. Can you be taught rhythm??? Ahhh, I digress again. Any way, so using the wonderful talent I have, I begin playing. First all my favorites, "if my words did glow, with the gold of sunshine and my tunes were played on the harp unstrung, would you hear my song come through the music? would you hold it dear, as it were your own?"(that would be the first verse of Ripple for all of you who've never had the privlege to hear one of the greatest bands of all time!), then, a little Janis, then a little of mr. croce. Then a little more Dead. Then some fiddling around. I kept thinking about how the car maintenance had been done long ago and far away... So, I played and sang.

That was long ago and far away
So much different than it is today.
Back when I thought you were true.
Before you broke my heart in two.

It was a different world back then.
I actually thought you were my friend.

That was long ago and far away
So much different than it is today
Before you met that Jezebel
Before my life was a living hell.

It was a different world back then.
I actually thought you were my friend.

You gave me vows that weren't worth a damn
You gave me pain that's all I am.

It's a different world now.
All I can think is how
You suck, you suck.
You're a selfish fk

I didn't really start out thinking it was going to be an angry song. I didn't realize how much anger I still carry (well maybe I did, but still didn't expect to ruin what started out to be a pretty song). So, I did what any talented musician would do... not saying I'm talented or a musician...just what they would do. I captured the words and the melody and turned it into an angry punk rock song. Well, I would have, if I could just remember how to strum, had an electric guitar, and could play the cords I wanted. One of these days, though, one of these days....

How utterly unfair!

Explosion of pain,
Flooding of Tears,
The unfairness of it all!


Know that you gave him a happy and loving home and he was able to return that to you over and over again.
~JMS


If only you could see through my eyes,
My life could not have been better.
You were my companion and friend.
I now see you crying and upset,
but this time I can not be there for you.
My body won't let me.
You did not want to let me go,
but you knew what was best for me.
I am in a good place now
You took my pain away.
In my eyes you were the best!
We were loyal to each other until the end.
I can comfort you only with my memory.
My life was good because of you.
Thank you ...
~JTR



Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor.
Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown"

A special life leaves memories and Memories are forever!