stupid blogger is pissing me off!

my posts aren't posting right.... ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111

Ho revisited...

what did I do with the text from SZ... Well let's tell you I ignored it, yup I did! Okay, not on purpose. Just got busy and never back around to answering hime. Come Frida, I get a message "don't you want to talk any more?" This time I write, "well, the last time we saw each other it was pretty uncomfortable. So I've been talking to this other guy." He writes back, "yeah well we both know it wasn't going any where." So, any way, we need to add this to the list of things I can't believe I've done...never thought I would. Dump a guy via text messaging...I mean who does that???? Obviously me!

Ho di meglio da fare

I got a text from SZ today. It read, "Hey! I am going to be in (name of town where I work), do you want to meet for lunch?" I received it at 11:01 a.m. I just had to laugh. I guess he's back in town. Still doesn't understand the last minute invitation doesn't work for me. I chose not to answer the text...maybe later. I definitely don't get him and I'm definitely not interested. Hmmm....what to do, what to do, what to do???????

My DEAR friend

My very dear friend
He knows me like no other.
And, still, he likes me.

When I dream, he joins with me.
I cry; he wipes my tears
I laugh; he shakes his head

When I soar above the trees, he flies beside me.
Laughing, joking and encouraging me to continue.

When I became unraveled, he held me together.
Willing to drop everything to support me

Winding every toy in the store.
Always, letting me bounce off the walls.

Every time I look at the moon, I think,
I was born too late or he too soon.

I can’t imagine I’ll ever find someone to complete me.
They have very big shoes to fill.

It is what it is, we are who we are ...

My very dear friend
He knows me like no other.
And, still, he likes me.

Lamo!

So, this past Sunday was supposed to be the blind date with M (as set up by Rudy - see previous post). We were supposed to meet at 1 p.m. I call him at 11:30 a.m. to be sure we are still on. No answer...bizarre but a million reasons he might not have heard his phone... In the shower, in another room, phone on vibrate, music too loud, etc. Any way, I leave the message that I was calling to be sure he got back to town okay, we were still on and I'd just assume it was all good and see him at 1 p.m.

When 12:10 p.m. comes around and I didn't hear back, I start to wonder. He should have been in his car, on the way by now. He should have gotten the message. Right? So, the little voice inside me tells me to go check my e-mail. Damn that little voice! Believe it or not the coward sent an email at 8 p.m. the prior night saying, 'Hi. This will sound lame, I know, but I just got back two hours ago, and I am exhausted! Not as young as I once was...would you mind postponing our coffee rendezvous?'

Yeah, it's fucking lame! Not that he canceled but that he didn't have the balls to call or at least one bullock to text me to cancel. It was 8 p.m. on a Saturday...too late to call??? Only if you're calling a convent. Didn't have my number? Nope used to call and text message me to set up the date. So why, why didn't he call or text me to cancel? I can only guess he was castrated while on his trip to NY and therefore he was too cowardly to use his cell when he returned.

I'm am thoroughly confused. I don't know why I keep trying to date!!!!!! I am now convinced that I am not now or will probably ever have the stomach to handle this bullsh*t dating scene of the single world.

I QUIT! I know my blogs will lack the entertainment - oh yeah, they really weren't all that entertaining to begin with. But any way, I quit. No more blind dates, no more giving out my number, no more talking to any guys... No more! If mr. right is out there, he's going to have to really work to track me down. And, he better actually have some cojones! I'm sick of eunuchs!

Yes C2, I will say it now....boys are Retarded!

Rudy Revisited

I visited my friend Rudy this past week again. (for background see: http://scalzo-writes.blogspot.com/2007/03/rudy.html) He's really my hair dresser but he's so charismatic, open and caring that he's more than that; he's a friend. As usual we caught up on each other's lives. He laughed at SZ's antics and introduced me to Mel - who commiserated with me about boys. After she described the antics of her boy, I had to ask to be sure that he and SZ weren't the same person! Yup C2, say it, "Boys are retarded." Any way, as she and I man bashed, Rudy stood there raising his eyebrows at us. I had to turn and tell him that he wasn't included in the bashing.

He said that isn't what I'm Hmm, hmming about. "Girl do I have a man for you! He's got the sexiest voice you've ever heard. I do his hair and I think he'll be here tomorrow. Can I give him your number? Oooo, girl I know you two will hit it off!"

Of course, I agree. I mean, who can turn Rudy down? His exuberance is contagious and I couldn't bear to disappoint him. Plus, like he actually has an appt. with the guy tomorrow. That would NOT be my luck. Any way, on we go chit chatting about this and that. Then Rudy says, "I can give him your number, right?" Yeah?.... "Well I just checked and he'll be here at one tomorrow!" I contain my excitement...I mean what man EVER calls any way...right? "Yes, Rudy, please feel free to see as you deem fit." Rudy had my cell and it wasn't as if it were tied to my address and I had to worry about a stalker -albeit with an excellent hair cut, but a stalker none the less ending up on my door step. Plus, he won't call!

Saturday at 5:30...text message number one...it's a picture!!! Yes, a picture with the subject line of the salon I go to. Text message number two follows..."Hi, Rudy gave me your number and said it would be okay if I contacted you. I thought you'd like to see a picture. Can I call you later?" Did you ever have that time when you are just so shocked and amazing and even a little amused that all you did was... scream like a girl? Yup that's what I did..."AHHHHHH!" I actually couldn't believe it. He was cute and he actually texted me!!! Of course I freaked out poor C2 who was in the shower at the time. Luckily I got to her before she jumped out and went searching for a weapon!

"Hi, I'm glad you got in contact with me. Feel fee to call whenever it is convenient." Was my reply. Got a bit of hazing from C2 on that one. As much as a freak as I am, I'd rather have someone call when they have time to talk than to give them a time range that's inconvenient. If it were bad for me, I'd just call back. Any way.... yup he called. Perfect timing actually...this truly couldn't be happening...right?

The conversation was easy as we both had nothing but praise for the hairdresser extraordinaire..Rudy. Then he said those words, "It was nice of Rudy to give me your number but, this isn't a really good time for me." F-ing yeah! Wonderful, why did you call? Of course it isn't. Yada, yada, yada. (end inner dialogue). I remained silent...then "O.K." (remember my advice from T?!) He says, "I'm going to NYC this week and won't be back until Sunday. Can we do something then?" Oh, okay, that wasn't I just met a girl, I'm moving to the west coast, I've got a contagious disease, my ex decided to f with my head. No that was something we can work with. So, I say yes. We set the time and place.

Guess who calls about an hour later? Yup my buddy Rudy. Wanted to tell me he gave M my number and thinks he convinced him to call. Also wanted to warn me that M told him he was going out of town this week. Wanted to be sure I knew so I didn't say any of the inner dialogue or Rudy's version Yeah, I'm sure. Whatever! He couldn't believe M had already called. He thought it was adorable that he sent a picture. So did I. How cute! Right?

Did I mention how much I love Rudy? Any way, now we'll have to wait til Sunday to see how it goes. I hope I'm not disenthralled with M. But more so, I hope I won't disappoint my cupid.

Final Verdict

Well, I had lunch with Stupid (SZ)...guess I should have named him something else and maybe he wouldn't have ended up in the Retarded category (for background see: http://scalzo-writes.blogspot.com/2007/07/retarded-boy-revisted.html.). Yeah, definitely not worth another thought in my pretty little head (ha...that's another blog - the southerner who thought he could charm an engineer by insulting her!). SZ was rude, abrupt and generally an ass today. I really think he must go through the gambit with mood swings. From sweety, babe and I really want to see you, to make sure you don't send me any WTF text messages while I'm in SC. He was condescending and arrogant, not to mention just plain irritating. The one comment that stands out in my mind was, "yeah, well I was going to Artscape with or without you." I asked why he asked to play tennis with me and he said,"that was earlier." I said, "like by 5 minutes." And, all he could say was "yeah well, I wanted to go to artscape."

I seriously question the integrity on top of the psychological stability of this one! I had the cute, Italian guy (who speaks to me in Italiano every time I go in the pizza place - Pasta Mista on Delany valley road...awesome food!!!!) give me his cute smile and say grazi bella to me. The mean little beast in me (you know her well c2) wanted to set up a date with the Italian stud (who I am SURE is too young for me - but then again who isn't???) right in front of SZ. I mean the worst he can say is no (it's the same word in Italian) and stop flirting with me. But, I behaved myself and made a mental note to go there for lunch again soon...this time with a girlfriend, after I have brushed up on my Italian and can say, Ho una gran voglia di baciarti perfectly and without blushing!!!

Any way, as SZ and I parted, while he walked me to the car, he didn't make any move toward trying to be nice to me. So the final verdict is that boy falls into the retard category... he's probably not quite retarded just socially and emotionally inept. Wasn't even the least bit entertaining for me today despite all my gestures to be nice to him...trust me, I was...no really, remember I didn't pick up the Italian cutie and I even tried to be silly and joking with him.

So if SZ bothers to call when he gets back from SC (it will take 2 weeks to find out, can you handle the anticipation) I will say, Ho di meglio da fare or Fa dei metri... I haven't decided which. :)

As promised...the woes of singlehood

My e-mail to a well meaning married who thinks platitudes of cheer ups and snap out of its, can help when you get the I hate being single blues!

I don't need someone to talk to. There are plenty of people I have that I can. That is what I'm trying to tell you. They are people who really understand the problem. I'm not a bitter person that won't trust anyone. I just haven't found anyone that's available who lights up my world. it sucks. It sucks to go to bed alone at night and it sucks to not have sex. And most of all it sucks not to have someone to lie with and tell all your woes to and know they will listen, take to heart which needs to be heard and gently blow the rest away. It sucks not to have strong arms pick you up and twirl you around when you have good news to share. It sucks to wonder if you will EVER have these things again. To think for some reason you were only given 2 shots at it and you blew it.

See, despite what you are going through, you have never been here. You can say look at the positive side...you have your friends and freedom and blah, blah, blah. But again, you don't know what it is like to have such a strong desire placed on your heart only to wonder from whence it came and why it won't be filled. You can be pollyanna all you want, but when your life is so vastly different from mine, you can never understand what it is like. Yeah, you can say you haven't had this, or haven't had that. But when push comes to shove and you have to fill out an emergency contact card and no person to put in the spot: contact in event of emergency or you have a blazing headache and just want to go home and cuddle with someone on the couch but there is no one there. Or when your dog dies and you have no one to hold you and tell you that they loved him as much as you and know your pain and will cry with you. Or when your plane is delayed and you watch as everyone takes out their cell phone to call their someone to tell them they'll be late and you have no one to call...despite praying for it every night... then maybe you'll begin to understand how absolutely lonely life can be.

Did you read the article about a guy who put his cell number in the newspaper telling all the lonely people to call him? He was plagued with thousands of calls. You don't know that loneliness. You have never known that loneliness. Not just a week or weekend without someone. A lifetime without someone because you have no faith that the situation will ever change. Every single guy you meet close to your age is absolutely, positively a NO - pretty much from first contact. And every single guy that are a possibility are too young and either an idiot, a commitment phobe, emotionally unavailable or fucked in the head one way or another. Or the one guy who seems so right doesn't want you because he wants someone to start a family with. And when you've tried every avenue given you to make yourself available and nada. And, when you look at your friends who are all in the same boat...some younger, some close in age. All faithful, all desiring a relationship, all waiting faithfully, only to be let down over and over again.

You faith falters, you world will never make sense to anyone unless they are there. All the platitudes in the world can't keep avert your loneliness and keep you company at night. You might think you understand, but you don't and you can't until you've been here. It's why I don't talk about it. It's why T doesn't talk about it. He sat next to me and asked what's up. I told him I'm tired of being alone and not having sex. he said I know, me too, with the sadness in the eyes of someone who is there. Then he got up and did a dance for me. Because he knows there is no point in talking about it or wallowing in it. Because it is what it is and occasionally we get sick of it. All single people do -there are blogs upon blogs upon blogs by discontented singles. The rest of the time, we just make the best of it. That is my life.

I'm not asking for a pity party or sympathy from anyone. Another reason I don't talk about it. Single people understand and don't want that pity party. And, marrieds don't understand and they think we are wallowing in self-pity. It's what I have to live with and why I get quiet. I don't feel like talking, don't feel like going home and don't feel like joining in the banter. My deepest desire is to just watch my friends be happy. Eventually through them, some other distraction (kids or the music), the mood fades.

I'm not the only one with pain - I know that!
And there are thousands of people out there worse off than I. I know that!

But none of it makes me feel better. I just hope one of these days it will all change. I just don't have a lot of faith that it will. And, with each passing day, the faith gets weaker. That really makes me sad because it was the Christians that saved me when the unwanted journey began.