Top 10

Top 10 things for a potential boyfriend to know.

10. Stay out of my kitchen! Don’t mess with me when I’m cooking. This includes asking me stupid questions, hugging me, touching me, or just plain getting in my way.

9. Don’t volunteer to cook for me, unless you know what you are doing or you plan to do it while I’m not around. I am not your kitchen bitch and am most probably a better cook than thou. So, if you are a novice, I will just get irritated watching you cook, especially if you try to boss me around.

8. Volunteer to clean up after I cook. I probably won’t let you (see #10) but it will mean a lot to me to have you ask.

7. Do your own dang shopping including grocery and clothes shopping. Don’t ask me to go with you. If you are feeling magnanimous, do my grocery shopping for me or take me shoe shopping.

6. Don’t ask me stupid questions. This includes a question you have already asked. I hate repeating myself.

5. Don’t bad mouth my friends, no matter how much I whine about them. Yes, my friends are idiots, but they are still my friends! So, you are not allowed to say anything bad about them – even if you decided to “let it go”.

4. Don’t “paw” at me. This includes public display of affection, messing with my hair, hugging, kissing or telling me to “come here” when I’m in the middle of something else, etc. Light touching or back rubs are acceptable.

3. You may get on my social calendar early for events, but don’t pester me about the details. Be a man, make a decision, and figure out what you want to do. I have to plan and make decisions all day at work, you think I want to plan your social life for you?

2. Don’t lie or bend the truth or insist I misunderstood something you said. Say your sorry and tell me what you meant, but don’t act like I’m an idiot. I can pretty much remember a conversation verbatim… not that I’ll always act on it.

1. Make sure you have less estrogen than I do…this means, no whining, no asking me what I’m feeling or thinking about, do your own mechanical stuff, etc. IF I want to talk about feelings or other girlie stuff, I’ll bring it up, otherwise, assume everything is just fine!

Yeah, Yeah, I know why I’m still single!

Last Night's Bizzarro Dream....

Most of it is pretty sketchy, but here’s what I remember. First I was in a doctor’s office of sorts and the nurse was giving me a vaccination. She stuck the needle in my arm and wanted me to press the syringe. But, I was too chicken to do it. Told her I was afraid of needles and thought I’d pass out if I gave myself the shot. Then it became this big discussion about air getting in there and causing pain. She gave me the shot and shortly there after a bruise developed on my arm. I watched as it traveled down to my hand and was waiting for it to become painful. It went down and back up again and they made a comment about how the bruise showed the air circulating in my arm and how it eventually would hurt.

Then, next thing we know there’s all this commotion. We run out of the office into the entry level of a castle (hey, it’s a dream!) Someone runs up to us to tell us there are bad guys after us. I can’t remember much else other than they said they would apper normal, talk to you and then kick you ass. The bad guys (a dragon of sorts) didn’t want us on the “dungeon” or “bedroom” level. And for some reason, we decided we would run around the entry level per the dragon’s instructions. Chaos was happening. I think that is when I woke up. But it could have lead into another Michael dream. Don’t remember many details, just wanting to smack him around… the usual ending of all my dreams about him (and pretty much my waking thoughts, as well – ha!)

I can't make heads or tails of it. I didn’t even eat anything strange last night. I know you all are thinking I need to get laid! Hmmm.....

Teaching pigs to sing...

So, I gave up on my most recent relationship. Just wasn't working for me. I'm thinking I'm going to end up as a serial monogomist. Ha ta da, dee ha! Any way, the next stuff written isn't original, can't even give credit where it is due but is very applicable to my life....



Never try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes time and annoys the pig.

"Turd polishing” in a love relationship is very much similar to “teaching a pig to sing.” Many of us are easy to be trapped in a troubled relationship because we would like to believe that we have power to polish a turd. We can reform the person, we can change them towards the way we like, and we can make them better - the process of polishing turd sounds very exciting and promising but we fail to realize that turd polishing is usually a waste of time and energy. Why don’t you spend the same time and energy to polish a diamond instead?

When people realize the man or woman is not what they’re looking for, as the relationship is getting more and more serious, many of us usually are not willing to break off the relationship with that person. We would rather choose to stay and wishfully think that a miracle will somehow come along - the problems could get fixed automatically. Someday when we wake up, all of sudden the turd will be a diamond.

This is not to suggest that you simply give up the relationship when there is a difficult or challenge. You should always try to get the troubled relationship fixed or improved before break off the relationship, but you must understand whether or not it could be fixed or improved in the first place. What usually happen is that if a person is hard to change now, there is a slight chance he or she will be able to change in the future.

Change only comes from within. Don’t delude yourself that people would be easy to change by your hard work. You either change yourself, which is usually the fastest way to fit with that person, or leave that person, which is usually the easiest way to make yourself happier in this case. In general, there is no other way around.

You can’t polish a turd, whatever you try. What you can do is to flush the toilet, hoping the turd doesn’t clog it. And then start looking for a diamond. Don’t be sorry for others when you choose to break up, because you’re giving a chance to both people for a better future. You should be sorry for your choice when staying in a relationship that you’re not happy with.

So, this little essay, makes me feel better about myself. I identified a bad relationship and ended it. Right? It's over and I'm free to find that there diamond. Of course I'm not supposed to feel like a turd, but I do. Not sure why...wondering what am I really supposed to be doing these days. Don't feel like looking for a diamond, but don't feel like doing without, either. And the stinking holidays are right around the corner...eee gads!

Anyone got a pig they want to teach to sing. That sounds like so much more fun!

Yucky Encounter

So I had to take 2 days of training. The building where we were training is the same that the lying, cheating, totally disrespectful coward works in. It started off rough because instead of being in the training side of the building we were in the other side (close to his office). Everytime I left the conference room to go to the bathroom or get coffee (during breaks), I was afraid I'd run into the jerk. I kept telling myself I'd just advert my eyes from his gaze and pretend he didn't exist. But, it didn't make the anxious feeling go away. I made it through day one unscathed.

My new bf picked me up for dinner just down the road and we had a lovely dinner. He spends money on me like crazy. I have never, ever, in my whole life had someone do that for me. And, while I don't want to sound materialistic, it does make me feel good. Is that bad? Any way while at dinner he started on the subject that turned me off. So, I kind of got into a funk. When we got home and he wanted to talk some more (about who knows what), but I didn't. I was physically tired, mentally tired (training always does that) and emotionally tired (from being anxious about loser all day). I tried to express this to him, but he immediately started to assume I was going to break up with him (he is so insecure but claims he isn't!) and started trying to convince of why I needed to be with someone and why it should be him. It drives me crazy when he starts in with that because I'm tired of hearing it. I know that sounds mean, but it's true. I tried to explain I was just worn out, told him about being anxious about running into the cowardly ex, etc. Also told him I had no intention of breaking up with him (but if he keeps up this shit that I'm trying to break up every time I don't want to hang all over him, I will damn it!). So at 10, I told him I was tired and needed to go to bed. And, he got all sulky and upset. I swear he has too much estrogen in his body (or I have too much testosterone)! So, we spent the next 1/2 hour talking about God knows what because I was 1/2 asleep. ugh! Any way, he left feeling okay and I crashed out.

So, I was a little sleepy durning 2nd day of training. But, all was going well and I had made it throught the morning. We left the conference room and headed to cafeteria. I was walking with Sue out of the conference room and around the corner (toward the training part of the bld). She and I were chatting and joking. I turned to my left to look at the approaching person and it was the cowardly, lying ex. My stomach jumped! It was horrible. I was totally caught off guard. He had no reason to be in that hallway. He had a mean look in his eye, as if he spotted me first and instead of looking away, he was staring right at me. I could be reading too much into it, but it was what I felt. Luckily, in my head I was prepped for this because as soon as I recognized him, I closed my eyes and turned my head to prevent having to look at him. I'm not sure what he read from me. I'm not sure if he saw my surprise, hurt or totally disgust of him. I know our eyes met completely though for a split second and he looked unpleasant. My whole body started to shake. I wanted to throw up. It was a very short walk up the stairs to the cafeteria and I was in line to get food. I couldn't hold my plate because my hands were shaking so much. I couldn't read the menu. My stomach was doing flip flops. I got my food and could barely carry it back to the table after wards. I forced myself to eat and carry on conversation, hoping to be distracted. After lunch, I was still shaking and feeling nauseaus. I had to walk the hallway by myself back to the conference room. I knew I was going to expell lunch soon.

I got back there, grabbed my phone and called C2. I talked to her in the ladies room. It helped to confide in someone, but I was still feeling the adreneline in my system. It sucked so bad that he could have that affect on me. I know it is because he was such an ass lately telling me to never speak to him again and how horrible it made me feel to have someone I loved and trusted to treat me so absolutely terrible. But having that horrible reaction was just weird. Strange thing was all the prepping I was doing and how anxious I was. Deep inside, I knew it would happen. I aboslultely, positively without a doubt, knew I was going to run into him. I had even told myself the best thing would be for me to be joking and laughing with a group of people and that is exactly how it happened. Some times I'm mystified with God's way of doing things. It's as if God told me it was going to happen, got me prepared mentally, let me figure out the way that would impact me the least and then did it. Really bizzare. I still don't understand why it had to happen, though.

I wonder if I'll ever understand why. Why did someone I love and trust betray me in such a horrendous way? And even after he did it, I treated him with nothing but kindness and compassion, so why did he continue to treat me as poorly as he did? And so why, when I see his ugly face do I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong? I had every right to be in that hall way but the fight or flight instinct surged the adreneline through my body. Why? The only why I know the answer to...why did I know I was going to run into him and have a plan in my mind? Because God loves me. :)

Last night

So I haven’t dreamed about him in forever. Not sure what has spurred this on. Maybe it is because I’ve talked about him recently to a few folks. Maybe because I found out that a friend of mine contacted him looking for some help (it really hurt knowing that). Maybe because I have training at mylander tomorrow and know it’s possible I might see him. I’m not sure but here is what I dreamed.

I am in the kitchen. It is a slightly modified kitchen of my childhood…the kitchen counter that separated the kitchen from dining room has been elevated to “bar stool” level. I’m sitting at that and Mike is making food on the stove. While the kitchen looks like the kitchen of my childhood, in my head, it is the kitchen of the house that Mike and I had lived in. We are not living there together. It is pretty much current time…as in he is living with Tammy. So, there is no reason for him to be in my kitchen and I remember feeling like I have every right to throw him out. But, as always with the relationship since he left, I chose not to take the higher road, not throw him out and listened to him whine. He was complaining that a couple of black people had moved into this house. I get the impression that he is living in a rental or at least a duplex where he only has control over part of the house. He says he moved into the front of the house and he is very upset about not being consulted about the black people moving in. His reference to the people seems very prejudicial to me. His implications are that he is upset with Tammy. Next, I remember being concerned that Britt is about to come in and if she will be upset that he is here. She just comes up to me, gives me a kiss, says hello and goes about her business. These actions gave me the thought that she approved of him being there but wasn’t going to waste any time on him. Not sure I remember anything else specific about it. Next thing is I’m out back and he is getting ready to leave – going out the garage. His hands are full of stuff. I am floored that he is “stealing” stuff from my house. I ask him why he’s taking stuff. Tell him he had no permission to do it. I’m furious because while he was cooking, I was getting the feeling that he didn’t want to be with her any more and he is trying to see if I’d take him back. When I ask him about the things, he says, “we need them”. This indicated that he was just using me. It was enough to enrage me to the point that I attack him. I am trying to claw at his neck. I wake up.

Mysterious Ways

When he shattered my will
You sent broken boys
When I was abandoned
You sent a lonely lady
When my heart was breaking
You sent a grieving girl
When I questioned You
You sent a faltering friend
When I gave up hope
You sent a confident companion

I don’t understand You.
But You understand me

WARNING: graphic material ahead

A visit with my doc….WARNING: not for the faint of heart!

I went to see my ob/gyn the other day. Yup, it’s going to be one of those stories. I walk into the freezing exam room and put on the gown that covers you but provides NO warmth. The doc quickly showed up after I changed. But he wasn’t quick enough to prevent my nips from telling anyone who’s looking that the room might feel warm to polar bears and hairy men but those of us lacking excessive body hair and clothes were very, very cold. Any way, he bounces in and begins the exam. Despite the perky nips, boob exam is good! Good to know…no lumps. Then he begins the exam of the nether regions.

Doc, “So, I see you turned forty this year.”

“Yeah, Yeah, big fat whoop!” says my inner monologue. I nod.

Doc says, “Well, with this milestone I need to add a rectal exam to your annual check up.”

Inner monologue goes crazy, “You’re joking right? No one and I mean NO ONE warned me about this. I constantly hear men whining about it, but not women. I thought this was a male only requirement. WTF???? This has to be a joke!”

“You’re serious?” I ask. He nods.

My inner monologue continues, “No fucking way! That is an exit only zone. I repeat EXIT ONLY! I’m a virgin there! Per everything I read and was told about the potential issues later in life, there has been a do not enter sign on that area for every man I’ve been intimate with. And now you, a man I barely know, want to pop my rectal cherry? WTF??!!!”

He tells me it is more of a rectal/vaginal combined exam. “Are you ready?”

Inner monologue, “Who the fuck is ready for that? I told you I am a rectal virgin. How about some foreplay here? “

I say, “Not really but might as well get it over.”

Doc, “Well, a lot of women try to bargain with me.”

Hope at last! “Does that work? I’m healthy, athletic, eat right…..” I try giving him my “I’m cute” smile - hoping he’ll cave with that smile, like so many men before.

“No, I still recommend it. Just like the mammogram you haven’t gotten.”

That was a cheap shot, buddy! Yeah, yeah, haven’t gotten the boob squashing test that can probably be attributed to more boob sagging than gravity! So what! A bright idea crosses my mind.

“If I get the mammogram this year, can we skip the rectal???” I ask. Again with the coy smile.

He’s unrelenting, “I recommend both.”

Inner monologue, “go ahead, rape my ass.”

“Let’s get it over with then.” I say.

The next minute seemed like 15 maybe 20 minutes. He tells me “everything is good.” And then runs out of the room. He was probably afraid I want to kick him in the nuts and tell him everything is good with his private parts! Any way, it’s over - for this year!

I’m guessing we all hear about the guys because they are such wimps! Think about it, what guy would put up with the annual exam of having their “hoo ha” pried open with a cold metallic device, long q-tip inserting into them to scrape the lining of their uterus and then after that being poked and prodded about? Not to mention the pain of childbirth. The population would diminish and the cockroaches would rule the earth! So maybe that is why we women don’t complain about one more stinkin’ invasion to our body during our annual exam.

But I am here to warn you unsuspecting young ladies and offer a piece of advice. If you are female and about to turn 40, let some handsome stud (Greek maybe???) who’s willing to get you all hot bothered pop your rectal cherry before seeing your ob/gyn. It might not make the exam any better, but I’m sure it will be a much better “first time” memory than mine!