I give up

I really don't get YM. I thought for sure everything was done between us and all of a sudden, it doesn't seem that way. After our talk a week or so ago, I thought it was just a matter of time before he realized it was over. But that didn't happen. We hung out a few times since then and he still seems interested. I just can't figure him out. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything "serious" bu he does want exclusivity. I truly believe it's the age thing that makes it hard for me to understand where he is coming from. But, at least for now, I'll play along. I do like spending time with him. I totally enjoy his company. I think he is a very upstanding guy. For the most part, I trust him. Which is good for me. I still don't have much faith that the relationship will last into the spring, but one never can tell these things.

But, I give up trying to figure him out. It seems to consume too much of my time and I want that to stop. Any way, my life is in a holding pattern any way, so I guess i can waste some more time with him to see where it might end up. He is a very special person. Too bad he's so damn young!

It's over

Well, it's over. Not all out officially but just the formality of getting stuff back left at each other's place. Oh yeah, and YM coming to terms with it. He's a good person and I think the only reason he's stayed with me for as long is a sense of honor and obligation. but I think once he got into the relationship, he realized he didn't want the relationship i wanted, that I told him I wanted (but he was too infatuated to hear).

He thought he wanted it but what he wanted was an exclusive "casual" dating relationship that included sex. I remember those from my college years. You weren't really thinking about the long term, merging lives, getting married, etc. You just wanted your "boyfriend" who you saw a couple of times a week. The rest of the time you wanted to do you own thing. You thought it was a mature committed relationship. but it wasn't. That's what he or pretty much any other guy his age wants. That's not what I want.

He doesn't want to end it because he doesn't want to hurt me - very noble and honorable of him. But, I don't want that for him or me. So, it's just a matter of time until he realizes it and we end this, which most likely will be the next time we see each other. I can't think of anything that will change the outcome...well, maybe him coming to some crazy conclusion that he can't stand the thought of not having me. But, I'm pretty sure that won't happen.

I've learned alot from this relations ship. But I'll save that for another post. I need to go deliver a pie.

Update on YM

So during the quiet times, you can presume YM and I are doing well. But now, things are a bit different. He seems to be doing less and less as time goes by - less effort, less emails, less compliments, less little presents and notes. I’m not sure if it’s because he is comfortable with me and doesn’t feel he needs to win me over. Or, he’s becoming less enchanted with our relationship. Either way, I’m not thrilled with the way things are going.

Maybe I’m selfish and want to be lavished with attention. I think I give a lot back, though. So, it’s not really selfish. It's just I want someone to seem excited to see me, talk to me and want to spend time together. Maybe it's our personalites, but I really think it is the age thing finally coming to play. After the pursuit of my heart, he decided to slip into the normal pattern to be expected of a 25 year old.

He no longer plans ahead to make time to be with me. I think he’d be happy with just hanging out once or twice a week. And, he likes to go visit his family every other weekend. That’s not what I want. I want a boyfriend who wants to spend time together. Who wants to look at our schedules, see what each of us has to get done and to plan a way to be together every couple of days.

When he asks me about the future, it is as if we are strangers. Not someone who wants to consider putting his life with me. To me that is what a committed, long term relationship is. He pushed so hard to get me to commit to him and I’m starting to think it wasn’t for the same reasons I had in mind.

He hasn’t told his folks about me. That shows me he has a lack of commitment toward me. He wants to keep me hidden (until the relationship is over?). There is a definite lack of intention on his part. I want someone who will introduce me to their family and friends. I want someone who after four months is thinking about integrating our lives together. Not someone who keeps me separate from everyone else.

He outright told me he doesn’t want to live with someone and he doesn’t see himself getting married for 5-10 years. I don’t want a live away boyfriend for the next 5 years. Hell, I don’t want that for the next 2 years.

He doesn’t say “I love you” first any more. He doesn’t ask to undress me the rare times he sleeps over. He sometimes ends conversations for no apparent reason. He recently told me that conversations with me were too exhausting. I thought he liked to talk about intellectual things. It was one of the things that made me like him. After we were apart, he used to come back with things he had thought about. He doesn’t think about me when we are apart any more.

So, with all this, I’m pretty sure that I was right a couple of months ago. It’s funny how that works. He liked the chase. And, he was quite good at it. But, he doesn’t know how to keep someone interested in him. Either that, or he lost interest in me and is just along for the ride. Either way, I want more than he’s giving me right now. I’m not sure how to get it, either. So I’ll fill my life with other things and see how this feels. I’m pretty sure, it will not be acceptable in the long run. It’s really sad. But what I get for being silly enough to date someone that much younger than me.

The Perfect Date

My date picked me up and told me I looked beautiful. I was allowed to trump the Garmen for directions down town – til I was ready to relinquish control. Immediately upon arriving at the party, I was given a glass of wine. We had a fabulous dinner and dinner company. I was introduced to everyone and never left in a corner by myself. My wine glass was never empty and I had ample wine to the perfect amount of drunk. When we got back to my house, I was escorted inside and given a full glass of water - to prevent hangover. My date left with never having made a pass at me! That evening I received a text to say thanks and it was fun. Then, the next day, my date showed up at church and sat next to me!

Talk about perfect date!!!!!!!!!!! If only we could teach this to men!

Yeah, my date was to my best friend's Christmas party. I'm not sure if her co-workers think we're gay, but that's okay. It was the best date I've had in months!

I miss my roomie.

I knew this day would come where my whole heart just sank into the hole she created when she left. I have other fabulous friends who are there for me, but I still miss so many things.
I miss having someone I can completely rely on when the world starts spinning out of control or Britt jut needing something little (which is like the world ending in Britt's book!)
I miss just sitting round, doing nothing and talking about heaven knows what.
I miss talking about how BAR and why we should never really worry about their ignorance.
I miss coffee on the couch in the morning.
I miss not worrying if the house is clean cuz she doesn't care and we can blame it on each other. I miss sharing Mitsi with her.
I miss wearing the Bad Influence badge when she was really the bad one!
I miss going home and losing myself so much that I forget about work woes.
I miss her asking me to open a bottle of wine.

I miss her cheerful smile - even at 7 a.m. when no one has the right to be cheerful.

I miss coffee in the morning - not so much the coffee but knowing it was made by someone who loves me and is making the coffee for me out of that love.

I really, really miss her.

Life's lesson

Each day a strand
Pulled from the cord
Then it’s all unraveled.

Each hour a feather
Plucked from the chick
The down runs out

A brick at a time
The wall is built
But suddenly appears

No flag raised
Nor caveat shouted
Not even a whisper

Quiet pleasure
Until…
The trance is broken.

All I want

I want to be
In your thoughts
when you're turning out the light.

I want you to dream
Of only me
When you're sleeping in the night

I want you to long
For my hand
When you awake from your slumber

I want you to wonder
What I'd think
Of the ideas that you ponder.

I want you to be
Missng me
When we are far apart.

I want you to think
The world revolves
Around what's inside my heart.

Selfish - yes
Absorbed - probably
But it's what I truly want.

Frustrated

yeah, I've been lame about posting. Guess I've been busy actually working at work. now that's a change. haha. But, also, just been on the go. Still seeing YM, but I'm fairly frustrated with the relationship. He doesn't seem to take my time into consideration or make setting up time with me a priority. I find it utterly annoying. And, I managed to fight with him about it today. I tried not to, but i ended up letting him hear the frustration in my voice. Seems like he doesn't seem to care if we spend time together and I'm getting tired of either holding time aside for him. So, I decided today that from now on, if he doesn't ask me ahead of time, I'm going ahead and scheduling stuff like I did before we were together. There is no reason to set time aside for someone who doesn't treat me like I'm a priority. I think I'll also start accepting dates with other guys. Seems like there's been a bit of activity that could be happening and I'm wasting my time with a guy who doesn't take our relationship seriously. Maybe he does - for a guy his age. Maybe really that is the whole thing. finally the age problem has reared its ugly head. I expect more than he is willing to give because he is just too young to give it. Sucks, because I'm not really ready to start looking again but, I'm thinking it's time. My girlfriend told me to wait til after the holidays, but I'm not sure I can stand the type of rejection I will feel over the holidays with him not calling me and me feeling like I have no friends or a life because my BF doesn't want to spend time with me. My one friend said Christmas would be the perfect time for me to meet his family. I laughed. Yeah right, tell his precious mother about me. That definitely won't happen over the holidays. No, I'm pretty sure there isn't much life left in this relationship. Sad part is it isn't because I don't care about him. it's just he isn't ready to be where I'm ready to be and I'm not sure he'll get there. And, I don't want to waste my time waiting to see.

Lost

Fear of Silence
Remain shut down
Frustrations builds
Endeavor composure.
Battle lost!

Volcano Erupts
Spew Ash Forth
All is covered.
Most is lost

Destruction's prevention
An ounce of Courage
Three years Stolen
Three years Lost

One foot out the door; One foot in the grave.

I want to spend time with him to get to know him better because if I’m in an exclusive relationship, my intentions are to make a long term commitment at some point. I don’t know where YM stands on this. I feel like he has one foot out the door. I feel like he is embarrassed to admit that he is dating me. I think the age thing now bothers him.

I am concerned about his being quick to anger and slow to burn. Also, his needing to avoid contact with me while he stews bothers me. I don’t understand why he gets angry so quickly and I especially don’t like being ignored. I need to resolve conflict right away. I truly believe that one should never let the sunset on their anger. When he does this, it makes me feel unwanted and I pull away. Last time he did this, he was contemplating the relationship. I can only assume that is what he is doing now. Should I expect this every time we have a conflict?

I’m still in a lot of pain and I’m afraid there is something really wrong with me. All of my friends act like YM should be staying with me and taking care of me. He feels that if there isn’t anything I ask for, then he shouldn’t have to be around. Is this a maturity thing?

I’m pretty sure it’s over. As soon as I start telling my family and friends about a boyfriend and I put him on speed dial, the relationship ends. I thought this one was different. I’m guessing I was wrong.

Sickness and cloud nine

So, when we last left our hapless heroine, she was upset about being neglected by her dashing YM. It's true she was upset but the neglected part may have been in her head. She needed to know so she did what any geek would do...she graphed every date they ever had and the time between each. A little crazy? Yes! But, YM had actually done half the work for her. At one point, he had graphed the dates to display the time between dates was coming down with time and it made him happy. Yes, very dorky - but completely endearing, at least to our heroine. So, she finished the graph to realize that the time between dates was still decreasing and most of the issue was in her head. She realized that she wasn't being neglected - it just felt like it because she wanted to spend more time wiht him. Luckily, she did this crazy exercise on her own and YM was never the wiser.

Thursday night YM came to visit and as it turned out, it was pretty much a weekend visit. Both went to work on Friday. And, he stopped back at his place but then showed up for dinner and movie night with flowers and candy in hand. The flowers were beautiful - roses, my favorite. The candy Lindt...another favorite. His thoughtfulness is amazing. When ever he is around, everything seems perfect. We spent the weekend watching movies, cuddling, taking walks with the fuzz ball, a ride on his motorcycle, and fixing a few things around the house. Yup he fixed a few things for me. I cooked dinner for him and he raved about the food. Another big plus. We can spend hours talking about everything and nothing. I told him I loved him. I do.

This morning I passed out in the shower. Luckily he was here to take care of me. He put me back to bed, gave me some ginger ale and stayed with me til it seemed I was okay. Not sure why I passed out. Not normal for me, but I think I have a flu. I do get light headed when I have a fever and I'm guessing that is what caused it. He seemed so worried. I wanted to make him feel better. funny how that works. I told him it was just a happiness hangover. Any way, he said he'd stop by and see how I am later. I've slept all day. I'm not hungry but made myself eat some toast and drink jucie. wish roomie was here to make potato soup. That made getting sick worthwhile! haha. But being sick doesn't seem all that bad when I know YM is coming to see me. :)

yes, I said the "L" word. And yes, I mean it. Too bad there has to be such a ridiculous age gap between us. But, I'm guessing the big "G" likes to make my life complicated. haha. The whole being in love will make for some serious insecurities. I know that. the cowardly ex created a huge hole in me, a serious crack in my foundation. So, I know this admission of love will cause me to be wobbly. But, I'm up for it. YM loves me too. I've known that. I didn't need to hear him say it back. He did with extreme joy. So, I might be sick, but I'm definitely on cloud nine!

disillusioned

I HATE STUPID F_ING Blogspot!!!!!!!!!!!~ I just wrote a blog and it didn't post. This sucks because I don't feel like writing it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fucker fucker fucker!!!!!!!!!! Let's just say I'm not happy about being neglected by YM. I'm not happy about becoming exclusive with him and then having less companionship than before. I'm not happy that he doesn't even iknow I'm not happy and I don't know how to tell him. But, the blog i wrote was much more eleoquent. Blogger sucksssssss!!!!! stupid fing computer sucks!!!!1 the whole world sucks!!!!!!!

...a fairy tale continuation

Interestingly enough, all didn't turn out as the princess had imagined it would.

The young frog was far more distraught than the princess ever imagined he would be. He claimed to have been hurt very badly by the site of the weeping princess. He never wanted to see her weep again or so he claimed.

The interesting part was both he and the princess missed their talks the most. Both couldn't help feeling they had lost one of their best friends that fateful Thursday evening. And, while both were willing to let go of their romance, neither could bear to lose their friend.

So, they made a pact. First and foremost, the princess and the frog would never let anything come between their friendship again. Second, the frog finally came to grips with the obstacles that they had to consider if she were to turn him back into a prince. And finally, they renewed their pledge of honesty and openness to each other. With that, the princess kissed the frog and he turned back into the gallant prince.

the princess is still a bit scared. More at some times, less at others. And, she thinks the prince is a bit scared too. But, their friendship is a strong as before and both have hope in their hearts.

Could the princess finally get her happily ever after?

The Young Frog

The princess sat holding the frog shaking her head. She didn’t quite understand what happened. He had been young, but otherwise, perfect before she changed him into a prince. He had been attentive, caring, happy and ever so sweet. Absolutely adorable were the words she used to describe him. She resisted his froggy charms the best she could. But, still he persisted bringing her lilies and other presents from the pond. Always willing to listen or lend a little froggy hand to help out. Eventually she fell head over heals for the frog and against all her previous misgivings gave him the kiss that made him the prince. He had wanted to become the prince, she was sure of it. He had made that intention quite clear – at least in the princess’s mind. Granted her mind is a bit of a mess, but that sign seemed so clear to her.

But, then after he was turned into a prince, he seemed to lose interest in the princess. It is just running the kingdom she told herself. She tried to squelch the thoughts that he was seeing other princess – no, she was sure she conjured that thought up because of the evil sir Yellow bellied coward. The prince wouldn’t do such a thing. But, maybe he was the type of frog that just liked being turned into a prince but really didn’t want to be one. So, when she tried to tell him that maybe he wasn’t meant to be her prince, he walked away. It only confirmed what she thought. So the spell was broken and he hopped away.

And, here sits the princess looking at the frog wondering how this happened. She watches as the frog hops away, pretty sure, she wasn’t meant to get her happily ever after.

She smiles – not because she is happy but because she is now wiser. No more frogs for her. P1 calls and they chat. He may be slow, but he is ever steady.

Kids on Love

This is so worth posting because I think they've got it right.

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . .

Touching words from the mouth of babes. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' See what you think:
_____

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8

_____

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' (You go Billy!)
Billy - age 4
_____

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
_____

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
_____

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' (yup Terri, you are so right!)
Terri - age 4

_____

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
_____

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.'
Emily - age 8

_____

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

_____

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikkas on this planet)

_____

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7

_____

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6

_____

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
_____

'My mommy loves me more than anybody.You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
_____

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
_____

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' (now that is love!)
Chris - age 7
_____

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left her alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4 (Mitsi agrees whole heartedly with you Mary Ann!)
_____

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
_____

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7

_____

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
_____

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' (you are sooo very right Jessica)
Jessica - age 8
_____

And the final one ...
A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Buyers Remorse

So last night I spoke with YM on the phone. He seemed distant. I know he was upset about work. His project proposal was turned down…well they just threw up a bunch of red tape that he didn’t feel like dealing with it so he let his pet project (that he was so excited about) get canceled. I can look at it as just another time when management totally screwed up, by being idiots and not harnessing the exuberance of someone who is willing to go the distance for something they were excited about. It is a very stupid business move on his boss’s part! But I know that really bugged him. Then they reneged on a “work at home once a week” deal that he had been offered. And, he had a problem he couldn’t solve and he’s used to being the “whiz kid” and fixing things right away. So, it was a real rough day for him. Plus his room mate has been an ass for the past week or so. So, I get it. I get the feeling of sadness he is experiencing. And, I’m hoping that is all his distance was derived from.

But, because the world revolves around me and I’m quite the cynic, I fear the behavior has something to do with me. I keep thinking, well now that I’ve finally broken down and committed to him, his interest is starting to wane. Maybe he is one of those guys who is all about the chase. They get high off of trying to win the affections of a girl. Once she falls for him, the chase is over and he is bored and ready for the next conquest.

Or worse yet, maybe he isn’t that type of guy but instead, he is experiencing buyer’s remorse. Maybe all of a sudden, seeing me “all in” has him wondering if this is what he wants. Does he really want me as much as he thought? Now that he has me, is he seeing my faults as really annoying? Is he seeing the age thing as insurmountable?

Or maybe, this is the case where his true colors are shining through. Maybe for the last few months he has “put his best foot forward.” Maybe now he feels he can just be and this is the real YM. This isn’t too far fetched of an idea. How many men have I met that seemed fabulous at first but turned out to be duds? Too many to count! I didn’t think that the case because I had taken it slow with YM and thought I’d see the warning flags before now. But, it could be he was just hiding it.

Or maybe, I’m just trying to sabotage this whole thing. Trying to make sure I don’t give him too much of my heart. Making sure he can’t hurt me so I find problems. I mean really, he could have just had a bad day and didn’t feel like talking, right?

Je Suis

He thinks,
Therefore I am
Breezy, warm and sweet
Floating two feet
Off the ground.
Smiling
Slightly Crazy
Like a lazy
Summer day
Mind racing where
No man
boldly goes before
Always wanting more
Time
With him each day
My heart feels his way
Pillow
Made of pinks
He thinks
Therefore I am.

Darkest before the Dawn

I’m floating today. It’s as if a burden has been lifted and I was the one doing the burdening!!! Imagine that!

So, YM asked about me dating other guys a few times in the past month. I knew there would come a time soon when I’d have to buck up and either commit or set him free. P1 made the decision easy. I haven’t heard from him since our date last Sunday. It seems like the communication had been dwindling off and that he really wasn’t ready for a commitment. I met his brother and sister last weekend, as well as having time spent with his daughter. But then I heard nothing back from him. I’m not sure what I did wrong or if it was nothing at all – just a bit of cold feet on his part. But, either way, his silence made me realize that relationship was going nowhere fast and the only reason I was still hanging on was I wanted to be dating someone my age!

So last night, I sat down with my shrink and asked her a few questions about dating YM. I needed to understand the biblical implications of the situation… which thankfully, there are none (the bible warns about believers with non believers, giving yourself to someone without a commitment and the repercussions of them rejecting you, and how to act toward each other in relationships, but nothing about age). She laughed at me at first and I almost cried. But her laughing was because she said up until recently, she may have advised me against it. But she had to realize that age is just a chronological number and she realizes that it’s about who people are to each other. She told me I should be asking myself if my “picker” is working right and what do I like about him and if I think he is being realistic about the relationship (like is he willing to spend the last 10 years of his life alone? Does he want kids? etc.). It was a good conversation because she pointed out things that I might have missed – i.e. would I have an issue if he was 15 years older than me? (no). And, she suggested I do things that I was already being lead to do but not sure why… introduce him to my close friends and family and give them a chance to get to know him to help validate my “picker”. That the only thing I shouldn’t listen to is if they point out the age difference as a problem without any other personality conflicts. And, I was definitely thinking I needed to invite him to church, etc. So, it seemed like I was at least on the path to doing the right stuff….seems like I’m more “fixed” than I thought! I told all this to YM last night. I asked him to go to church with me and he asked if I was ready to have all my friends and acquaintances see me with him (younger man). And, I am, so he said he’d go with me and we solidified that we were “boyfriend and girlfriend” or to “make it official” as my boo likes to say.

And, today I am on cloud nine. I can’t believe how good it feels to have finally made that step and I’m feeling like it is absolutely the right step. YM has been kind and patient with my indecision and never once has he pressured me. He knows exactly how to do the right thing. I think I feel the “L” word coming on…no seriously, I do! Okay, maybe not, but maybe.

The only dark spot is a friend, who wanted more than just friendship, but who constantly told me friendship first and he wanted to be friends more than dating. And, it was okay if we were only friends, blah, blah blah…. Here’s what he wrote when I told him I couldn’t go on a “date” with him because I had committed to YM….

I had already put a great deal of thought into my response to your answer, if it was no, or in this case what you have said......I must say that no woman has ever had the effect you have had on me, I have never (and I mean this) never felt like this before. Having said that, I will also say that I will always feel this way about you; I can never have a bad thought concerning you, I wish you all the best in your attempt to find true happiness. I really hope it works out for you, please believe that.

Now I must also say that this situation is so painful for me I don't think I can continue to be friends with you......I am so sorry things did not work out for us. Have a happy life and God bless you (and I really do mean that also).

I think it is a little over dramatic. I’m not sure how he could have such strong feelings for me because we only hung out a few times. His friends first line was obviously a line because he it seems he truly didn’t want friendship but something that I told him I didn’t think I could give to him. But, he kept saying he just wanted to be friends first and if anything developed then be it… which now was obviously was BS. I wonder if this will ever occur to him. Guys can be so stupid! Yes C2, our mantra stands: Boys are Retarded!!!!


Oh well, that’s about as much of a damper as he could put on my day. I get to see my YM tonight and I know we’ll have a good time. He is too dang cute for words! And, he kisses really good. Oh and Count M&M, he loves Formula one racing...any guy who likes that can't be all bad, right?

Men and devices...

Got back in town last night to find yet another device broken! First it was my ceiling fan. And, no,while I did purchase another one, it has yet to be installed. P1 said he could do it in a matter of a couple of hours, but I haven't really gotten up the nerve to ask. I'm not so good at asking for help. Probably my number 2 fatal flaw! Then, there was the washing machine. It broke last week. since I was going out of town, I didn't have time to fix it. So, I went out and bought a new one. No fancy front loader but it does appears to be working well. Then, I leave the parking lot at the airport and my f-ing window won't go up. And, yup, you guessed it, it was raining out!!!!! So, I called the garage today and surprise of all surprises, they could fix it. I had already gone to work, so back across town I drive. Now 3 hours and $300 later, the fucking window works!

I hate when things break. Reminds me of all the men in my life. When they are new to me, I am thrilled with them. They don't have to be the prettiest or the flashiest; I'm just looking for a little bit of performance. Usually, they don't disappoint. But then months/years later, they break. they disappoint and in general, they are worthless to me! And, usually when something goes wrong, all goes wrong.

Yup, men and devices are pretty much meant to be changed on a regular basis, else they will cost you time, money and still disappoint you! What's worse...summer is over. Boo hooo!!!!!

This message from the emergency rant system is now complete. You will be returned to your regular programming. Have a nice fucking day!

private...

decided to set blog to private... at least for a little bit.

Men confound me!

Interestingly enough, I just heard back from The Genius. The communication seemed to have stopped the beginning of August when he asked me out and I declined stating I was busy. Then, out of the blue, he wrote to me.

He wrote, “guess our contact has sort of diminished, and I sort of sensed where that was going anyway, but I thought I'd check back and see if you want to go out and do something casual - hike? drinks? - or if you just want to let it slide. Anyway, even if not (and btw, there's no need to explain it), I'd still be curious to hear how you're doing, chat / penpal with ya if/when you feel like it”

So I wrote back to him that I had started dating another guy and wasn’t sure how that affected his offer.

And, I got a long email saying he figured that was the case due to the drop off of communication. Confused look on my face because he stopped communicating, not me! Now, I was planning on cutting it off after his next email or call and he didn’t! Maybe he was psychic???? Any way, the rest of the email was sweet and complimentary… “I think you're fantastic - a real serious 'catch'. Hopefully the guy you're dating is sharp enough to recognize and appreciate that.“

I really do have to make it a habit of breaking up with guys directly. I like the nice compliments I get after. I think I’m turning into a cold hearted bitch. Maybe?

He Wept

Where were you
When my brother lay dying,
all my friends were crying
and all were vying for you?

It seemed you came to late
but death wasn't his fate
And You wept

Where were you
When my heart was breaking
my mind was aching
and my world was quaking?

You were in the hand that held my head
The friend who made my bed
And You wept.

Where were you
When the tears flowed down
my hands were bound
and I heard no sound?

You were the words in my ear
The crutch through the year
And You wept.

Where were you
when the dam burst
and I experienced the worst
through the hands of another?

You didn't cause fears
But You were in the tears

And You Wept!

There is only one person in my life that is so good a procrastination and crazy enough to pull it off. But, I think she’s going to do it!!!

In the past twelve days we (as in mostly C2 with me being the supervisor!) have….

Reserved a spot for the ceremony
Reserved a spot for the reception
Confirmed the (coolest) Pastor’s availability
Designed, made and mailed invitations
Acquired the appropriate dresses
Ordered the cake
Ordered the booze
Planned the menu and gave family members responsibilities
Picked out and compiled music
Made 2 different favors
Picked peaches for homemade ice cream
Made gallons of ice cream (peach and banana – but not in the same container)
Ate some ice cream – Yum! Ate some more ice cream – double Yum!
Purchased table clothes and stuff for serving food

So all that is left for today is to
Pick up the groom’s ring
Purchase the flowers from the farmer’s market
Make the last few food items that we didn’t assign to others.

It’s good that the list isn’t that long since tomorrow is the wedding!

It’s been an exhausting (almost but not quite) two weeks!!!!!
And all I’ve done is boss my roomie around. Imagine how she feels!!

My favorite fairy tale

Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped onto the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry

And set up housekeeping in your castle
With my mother
Where you can prepare my meals
Clean my clothes bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to her self,
“I don’t fucking think so!”

Then There Were Two

Last night I bid adieu to P2. It’s been awhile in coming. He is a really nice person and treated me like a princess and he is sexy (in a guitar playing way) but it really wasn’t meant to be between us. Or so I think. He is still way too much under the thumb of his ex-wife. And, let’s his (young) daughters run his life. I just can’t see myself sticking it out long term without trying to change such behavior. And, we all know better than to try and change other people. Because I am fond of him and think he is a really nice person, I was a man (well, you know) and told him it was over. No, I didn’t do it in person. They tend to end up being tearful and not very effective good-byes. I did it on the phone. I called, we chatted. He asked me how picking music out for Roomie’s wedding went and we chatted about music for a bit. He random babbled (which I find a bit annoying). Then he asked what else was up and I told him that I hadn’t planned on seeing him any more. He told me he figured it was coming based on the time we hadn’t been spending together and the last time we saw each other (his birthday). And, then he said he had to go. He said he wasn’t mad, just had to go. I totally understood. I really would have liked it to work out between us. He had some really endearing qualities. But, when a guy tells you he feels like Larry the Cable guy dating Hil, well, you gotta know that the relationship is pretty much doomed. I’m not that smart, classy or educated and for someone to feel that outclassed, I think the probability of the relationship lasting is about 100-1. I really do hope the best for him. And, I am a little sad it didn’t work out. But, I’ve gotta face the facts and facts are it wasn’t meant to be.

So left in the running are P1 and Young man. P1 and I get on pretty well. We are very comfortable together and at the same point in life. But, he’s a bit reserved and his last marriage ended due to his closed natured. So of course, I’m very guarded with him. We see each other 1-2 times a week and the relationship hasn’t progressed much past the 2nd date. We enjoy the same things and in a very logical way, it seems right.

Young Man (YM from here on out), on the other hand, defies all logic and sensibility! He is adorable and extremely open. He’s brainy, likes quite a few of the same things I do and is constantly romancing me. One day when we were getting snowballs, I told him nerds were my favorite candy. The next time he saw me, he brought me nerds. Another time he brought flowers. He is concerned about my friends and my family and nothing seems to slip past him. He is definitely a thinker. He is also very gracious – always thanking me for this and that - almost too much, but probably just because he wants me to know that he really enjoys being together. It’s hard to miss his enjoying the time because he is so open. But, the age thing weighs heavily on me and I can’t get past it. When I’m ready to retire, he’ll be mid career. He is still too young to decide whether he wants kids or not and I know I’m done. He is young enough to just “enjoy a fling” and I see it as a waste of time when I could be finding my partner. I just find it difficult to believe this is something “of God”. I told him that. I’ve told him I’m dating other guys, too.

Both P1 and YM know I’m dating others. So, I no longer feel pressure to drop one. But, I seriously wonder if the next post might be labeled, then there were none. Cuz, somehow, I don’t think either of these men is who I’m supposed to be with. But for now, there are two.

Hurricane Dreams...

The Oak shakes the water from its leaves
and the zebra grass bows to the dancing pines

Lying here, your arms encircle my waist
Fingers intertwine with my hair

The minutes dissolve into hours
As the daylight slowly fades.

13 days??? 13 Days!

When BFE decided that she would indeed have a celebration with her exchange of wedding vows, we had 13 days to pull everything together. That was Saturday night. Two and a half days later we had manage to:
A reserve location to be married (beautiful overlook)
B. reserve location to have reception (stone pavilion that accommodates 100 people)
C. confirm Pastor’s availability
D. Get the menu and decorations planned
E. Get the invitations done – although she already called everyone to give them a “heads up”
F. Plan to find appropriate flowers.
G. Think about dresses.

Lots of work yet to be done, but we’ve got a couple of things in our favor.
A. I’m good a planning. BFE is good at doing stuff last minute. A better team couldn’t have been formed for such a situation.
B. BFE’s fiancce knows to leave well enough alone and just do as told (good advice for any groom to be!)
C. BFE has a best friend (me) who will do everything in her power to make this the day BFE wants.
D. We know we can do it. And really, that means A, B and C are just extras.

So please excuse me (while I kiss the sky…oops didn’t mean to break in to song) for the next 10 days (yep 10 days and counting) while I spend all my free time (aka break from work day) internet searching for farmer’s markets and recipes (for a few other things), and drawing up plans for all other things that need doing. We've got a wedding to put on!

Young Man takes the lead

I just came home from the most fabulous date with Young Man. My head is spinning. He set up the sweetest date. I just can't get past how much thought he puts into our dates! I am a kid's movie addict. But, since my boo is grown, the only chance I get to go see the kid's movies is when I rent or borrow a kid for the day. I told Young Man this awhile ago. He has a computer brain because he seems to remember every detail I tell him and then surprises me with it.

So, on Tuesday, we went to see WALL-E. I ate popcorn for dinner that night (as par for the course when I got to the movies!) and mentioned how I felt guilty for not having at least a salad. After the movie, we just sat in the car (outside his house) and talked (2 hours). We had a fabulous time, despite the very upset mood I had been in prior. He even listened sympathetically as I whined and eventually cried about what was bothering me. He is a great sounding board. He told me his story, which he has only told to a few other people, so I won't repeat it. All I can say is the boy probably has been more hurt than men twice his age!

So tonight, he asked me if I wanted to watch Ratatouille. Of course I did. He was flexible about the start time - which allowed me to not miss happy hour with the boys....he gets bonus points for that! Then, he called all upset that I might not want to come over after he tells me something... that he has a motorcycle. Considering the pain I've seen the machines create, I could understand his concern. But, as long as he is safe with it, I don't see it as an issue. So, then his room mate tried to throw a monkey wrench in the plan, so he came over here for a bit. We hung out and chatted and he allowed himself to be tortured by looking at my photography. He drove me over to his place to watch the movie. I wasn't sure why this was necessary, until we got there. He had gotten flowers, some Merlot, popcorn and a salad (to ease my popcorn guilt). I just can't get over how special he makes me feel. He always says the kindest things. He thinks my aversion to violence is "cute" and tells me he finds me "adorable". He can so sweep me off my feet. He constantly asks questions about me. Sometimes I can tell it's just to understand me better. But other times, I think he's just trying to understand what I like and don't like so he can do the right thing. Like when I told him the story about some "ushy gushy stuff" that I had read. He asked me "so, do you like ushy gushy stuff?" (yes!).

In all, I can't seem to find any flaws with him - despite the obvious age difference. If this keeps up, though, I think I'll just neglect the age difference thing. I haven't felt this good, this special, this safe, this "myself" in a really long time.

the best you can

Like everyone, there are things I truly like to do – write, sing, play guitar, dance, teach, cook, and be a mom (sometimes!). I’m not all that good at them, but I have moments of brilliance as well as “I certainly hope no one saw/heard/read that” moments. There are very few things that I would say I’m good at - engineering and photography are about the only ones I can think of, at this moment. I am detailed oriented and have a good sense of aesthetics – this helps me to be good at both. But, I would say it is the passion I have for them that probably puts me over the edge, though. It is always what makes people great at what they do (not claiming greatness here, though – just good).

So, when my little sis asked me to do some photography at her wedding, I was absolutely flattered. She’s traveled with me and seen my work. I was thrilled that she trusted me to do this. And, I was terrified. I never worried about messing up my own stuff, but this was for her. She’s been one of my closest friends since I was five and we “moved in together”. We slept in the same bed during thunder storms, shared secrets, and plotted against mom, dad, our siblings, and just about anyone who ever challenged us. Our relationship has waxed and waned over the years, but dang, we have a history. I couldn’t bear to think of screwing it up for her. So truly, the pressure was on.

I bought a new camera body. I had a great camera and lenses but like me, they were a little outdated. The body was 35mm film and we have entered the digital age. So, I asked one of my favorite friends, who is of the best photographers I know, to help me purchase a new camera. He did (more resolution is better!) and I bought it. So, now I had the technical capabilities to take care of my sis.

I was pretty stressed about it from the moment I got on the cruise ship (boat). There were about 40 people on the boat for the wedding and just so much going on. But, up until the wedding, I kept stressing. I hadn’t spent as much time “fiddling” with the new camera as I should have. I knew this. I just had been so busy that I couldn’t find tine. So this inadequacy haunted me up until the wedding day. But, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it. I went out there telling myself I would do my best. After all, I had a list of pictures she wanted, a game plan and my obsessive/compulsive attention to detail. Oh yeah, and the over bearing sense of responsibility that I am so good at dumping upon myself.

It started off well. I got pictures of friends and family as they disembarked from the boat and waited to be “bussed” to the beach. I got a little nerve wracked waiting for my Boo, the maid of honor, to show up from getting her motor scooter. But we all boarded the bus and headed out. We arrived at the beautiful secluded beach and I started taking pictures. Everyone, everything, every where, click, click, click goes Camera Butt (my little sis so lovingly bestowed this nickname upon me at Yosemite National park). So during the wedding I am clicking away. Trying so hard to get all the pictures I think my little sis would want, so she wouldn’t have to buy the outrageously priced pics from the “professional” photographer that the cruise line gave to her for “free”.

A couple times my older sis was in the way. I didn’t say anything to her because she hates me. I don’t know why. She has for years. I always do something wrong during the short period of time we see each other. I guess I must digress here.

I left home at the age of 18 to go to college. I was glad to leave the horrid home town I grew up in. I learned so much more than engineering in those four years. I was fortunate enough to find a new family, my sorority. I’m not sure why I was so blessed with such a wonderful group of women, but those four years contain a truckload of happy memories. I learned that home is where your heart is and for those four years my heart belonged to that beautiful town in the Adirondacks, that house, and most importantly, that group of women. I learned that everyone is flawed. True love is knowing and accepting each other’s flaws, encouraging each other to grow, all the while knowing that you have someone to turn to. Some people never learn that lesson. Yes, I know, I was truly blessed.

I applied that lesson everywhere I went. I moved around for a bit before settling in this border state of the civil war. But here, I made myself another family of friends from work, church, and neighbors – by loving and allowing myself to be loved and cared for. It made leaving my biological family easier. And, I totally didn’t miss the fights, arguments, pokes, behind the back slurs and sibling rivalry that biological families bring. I missed each person, but was glad that I was 300 miles away, too. I could just remove myself from all of that. So, when my other relatives would say, “I talked to your older sister and she says you two aren’t talking. What’s up?” My usual comment would be, “oh, I didn’t know we weren’t talking. Why did she say we were mad at each other?” Cuz quite frankly, I never had a bone to pick with her and I never understood what I did to her. So the more they told me such things, the less I let the family know what my life was like. And, to this day, I can truly say, my family doesn’t know me. One day a great man told me a story about his relatives or my grandmother’s relatives. The story was of two men that went so many years of being mad at each other that they forgot what their original fight was about. Italians! It was his way of telling me to make peace in my family. I try but being far away, I don’t try that much. I figure I got 4 siblings and three of them really like me. 75% is passing in almost all academic endeavors – right? But, I do take my grandpa’s words to heart and try to not upset the older sister. Digression ended.

While taking pictures at the wedding, I make every attempt to not upset my older sis. I don’t get in front of her; I shoot around her. I will be a professional here. She seems to ignore my presence (as usual) and time and time again, ruins the shots I’m after. I eat crow and tell myself not to worry. I know though that only a few key shots are required for a good wedding album - exchange the rings, vows, wedding party and the kiss. The wonderful, beautiful, ever to be haunt me, “you may kiss the bride” shot. Yeah, so, as I tried to shoot around my older sis, as I tried to not be in her way or anyone else’s, she pops into my “kiss the bride” shot. I shoot again and there she is again and what comes forth from my (Christian - but not at this moment in time!) mouth, but “shit!” Not the quiet utterance you say when you stub your toe at work. But the culmination of days of nervousness, weight of perfection, and moments of frustration of trying to do your best, Shit! So loud, so unable to take it back, or rewind and do the moment over. So utterly embarrassing as my family already has such a damn low opinion of me. So unbelievable because these people only remember the teenager who hated her home, hated her town, and most importantly hated the world - and it is that foul mouth who shows up during the you may kiss my beautiful little sister moment. The wedding I wanted to shoot perfectly. The wedding I wanted to be perfect in every way, shape and form for my little sis. I had to open my mouth and I was mortified. And, all this family - who has never really understood or known me, has their opinion of me reinforced. I am mortified but must continue to shoot because my job is not done.

And then it happens. I am asked why I was so rude as to ruin the wedding. Mind you I am still laden with the responsibility of creating perfection in stills. I am horrified that my mouth betrayed me. And, like the fool I am, I open my mouth to say, “my sister’s big fat head screwed up my picture.” Yup, that’s what came from my mouth, my wonderful Christian mouth (again, not at this moment!). It wasn’t MY picture that was screwed up. It was my little sis’s picture that was screwed up. And, that was where the anger came from. It came from an unselfish (sort of) motive – but it was still anger that flowed from my lips. And, it flowed right into the ears, of, oh yeah, you guessed, my older sister, who hates me and, now, has a reason to hate me evermore. She made sure I knew she heard – I don’t remember the words, just the venom behind them.

So the rest of the pictures were gotten. The camera bit the dust – um, more like ate the sand as I dropped it. The profession photographer, who by the way was so adorable, (I would have liked to take him home with me, fed him, and called him my own.) graciously lent me his “blower” to blow the sand off my camera and innocently asked, “Why do you think the camera fell off the strap?” To which I dryly replied, “I obviously put it on wrong.” Yeah, good engineer that I am – no need to read the directions! But the camera was fixed and I rushed everyone around and got as many of the pictures my little sis wanted. And, hopefully, I didn’t disappoint her.

Later, BFE asks me, “What is up between you and your older sister?” And, I have no answer to give, other than, “she hates me and I don’t know why. She has for years. Every time I try not to step on her toes, I seem to piss her off. I think she likes hating me.”

So yeah, I’m sorry I swore and uttered the hurtful words I did. I will not try to rationalize it with I was stressed, my intentions weren’t hurtful, etc. While it is true, there is no excuse for not being the best you can be. I know this in my head and heart. I didn’t mean to be hurtful toward my older sis. I apologized but never heard anything back. I guess there isn’t much else for me to do.

Cry til the tears won't flow

Sometimes people break our hearts and it is more than we can bear. And then, another person lets you down and another and another. You get to the point where you feel as though your skin is as fragile as a bubble - any little poke or prick may come along and you'll burst, no longer cease to exist.

So you run away, stick your head in the sand and hide from anything that can cause you emotional turmoil. You leave the computer at work, go home, turn off the phone and cry.
Cry for the loss of your best friend.
Cry for the mistakes you are scared she's about to make.
Cry because you think her mama is selfish and doesn't know how to care for her best interest.
Cry because maybe she even knows this but has chosen to ignore it.
Cry for the friends that you don't think are being friends to her and wonder if they can be friends to you.
Cry because you know she's come such a long way and you are afraid she's about to lose all that progress.
Cry because you are terrified to take the steps she has taken.
Cry because people in this world constantly let you down.
Cry over the overwhelming amount of responsibility that always seems to rest on your shoulders - until she came along and bore half.
Cry because she'll be gone and no longer able to share the load.
Cry because no one can tell you that it will be all better, help or is even worth talking to about because they truly can't understand and it's not worth trying to explain.
Cry because you know when you are hurt you are less of a person than you strive to be.
Cry because you know every time you get hurt, you crawl into the shell...the shell you created when you were a teen, the shell you can't seem to slough.
Cry because sometimes living is so much harder than existing.
Cry until you are so freaking dehydrated that the tears won't flow, but you glad cuz you're tired of blowing your nose.
And you sob and lie there and sob.
And tell the rest of the world to go to hell.

And the next day, the air is crisp, the sun is shining and you know you can try to live that day with the newness it deserves.

Today...

Torn up
Feeling confused
No one to turn to

Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t

Things change
From intimate confidents
To mere acquaintances

Never wanting
To believe or trust again
Never understanding why

Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t

Relationships end
The world goes on
Deal with it.

Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t

Of Men and Shoes

I bought new shoes last night! Yippee. Took pictures of the “bonus” pair I bought myself for putting up with shopping. Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your feet – especially when you don’t have a mirror???? (that's what I get for goofing off at work!)

I ended up going to see P2 because Boo was feeling all better and so was Mitsi. I brought the devil dog with and she got a nice walk in the park and lots of play time with a 10 year old who adores her. I’m spending a lot of time with P2 thinking he’s 3rd choice and I might be able to let him go. It's like playing your 3rd string players in the first quarter of scrimmage games to see which ones you want to cut loose. But, I’m not getting as sick of him as I thought I would. But maybe it’s because I love being around the kids. Tonight it’s just he and I off to watch a band that he will be playing with soon. So maybe that will help in the decision making. My friend, the Ninja told me today, “you know, you can’t keep all three and will have to make a decision soon.” I was thinking, it’s not like shoe shopping where if I love two of them, I just buy them both. Two men would just mean twice as much cleaning, though. Twice as much sex, though…hmmmm…might be worth it.

C2 wrote this. I think she is very profound! I think life would be easier if we could treat men like shoes. Have as many as we want, only wear them when we want to, have useful ones and pretty ones, give them away when we get tired of them and throw them away when they are worn out.

Yeah, that works for me!

I'm an idiot...

“He lacks passion.” That’s M&Ms assessment of P1. I think he might be right or at least at this moment in time, he’s right. Maybe as P1 gets to know me better , he’ll open up and I’ll see more a of a passionate person. But, I’m not so sure. They say still waters run deep – but the waters remains still right? He does all the right things…polite, considerate and kind – a perfect gentleman. And he is honest. So there is no reason not to continue to investigate the relationship.

“I like his kids better than him.” How bad is that? I’m not really sure the assessment is true or fair. I like kids better than most adults. But P2 does have a way of making everything about him. It makes attempting to answer his questions annoying. I’m toying with giving him an absolutely ludicrous answer just to see if he is actually listening or if the question is just a ploy to talk about himself (as I suspect). But he does seem to care about me. He’s honest, consistent and passionate. He’s definitely passionate.

“He’s way too young.” I know this. But I can’t help myself. Young Man is so refreshing. He is kind, sweet, honest and just all around a great guy. He isn’t jaded in the least. I really wish we were the same age. I’m not sure if I’d appreciate him though if I were that mental and emotional age again. I told him all the lurid details of my past and he still wants to date me. He thinks I’m fabulous – beautiful, interesting, brilliant and sweet. He told me so. I have the good sense to turn him down but not the will.

I know this is a disaster waiting to happen. I KNOW this. But I can’t justify one man over the other. I just can’t. I’m terrified I’ll make the wrong choice. I’ve never done a good job of choosing men in the first place. So instead, I’ll just keep playing with fire and telling myself I’m an idiot.

Everyone who is an idiot, raise their hand!

The Problem with Juggling Men

I can’t decide who I like better. Would like to take all the good traits and make one “super guy” (no not super gay – as my roomie and I used to be called!). But, alas, I’m not that good of an engineer. Plus if I were to make one super guy, he’d probably have a super ego or super flaws and where would that leave me but with one super mess. So in the meantime, I’m juggling. I can’t quite say I like it but I’m taking the advice from Mars and Venus Starting Over where the author tells us to date around but not sleep around. The book states you should have one guy on the way in, one on the way out and one current. I’m starting to think the author never tried to live by his own stinking advice because this is not easy and I’m not just talking about the sexual frustration that results from not sleeping around!

Today is Wednesday (yeah you could just look at the post date but I’m making a point here) aka hump day. Not that the nickname bears any relevance on the story other than to emphasis the sexual frustration mentioned previously. Any way on Sunday, Young Man asked me for a date this week. Initially it was set for Tuesday but within a half hour I found a conflict as I needed to take Boo to the airport. So it was then postponed for Wednesday.

Then yesterday (Tuesday) morning, P2 asked me on a date for… yep you guessed it, Wednesday. I declined as I already had plans for dinner. He mentioned maybe coming over and spending time with him and the kids Tuesday evening. In the meantime, Boo gets sick and doesn’t go to the airport. Quite the little sicklette, too, mind you. Barfing all over the place and whining like a baby. Don’t take my flippant attitude toward her sickness as lack of compassion; she gets spoiled during this time. Any way, Tuesday evening with P2 got trumped by the sicklette. So Tuesday evening, P2 asks me for Friday and was awarded the coveted Friday evening spot (not sure who it is coveted by, but it sounds good).

Now somewhere along the line, I gave P1 my work phone number to call, in case he ever wants to make dinner with me (as we often both eat alone and thus nor very healthily). While he told me he’d give me more advance noticed, he decided to exercise that option today at 1 p.m. for , yep you guessed it…tonight – Wednesday. I had to decline. I mentioned Boo’s sickness…as I couldn’t imagine wanting to bring someone into my house and into the presence of the little sicklette. Plus, I already had plans with Young Man and I’d feel bad canceling this late in the game. No other plans were made with P1.

So now here I sit, wondering who the h*ll has ever managed to successfully juggle three men without going absolutely insane. Mind you, I have an electronic calendar backed up by paper (as the stupid computer was a mess this week) to tell me when and where to go with whom…so thank goodness I don’t have to keep that straight. But still, the emotional turmoil I’m going through here is torture. I do like all three guys and hate saying no to them. Maybe that is the problem

Maybe I’m not supposed to like the guys I’m juggling so there isn’t any emotional turmoil to go along with it.

Maybe I’m supposed to be a cold hearted bitch who enjoys disappointing men.

Maybe I need to stop taking advice from self-help books!

More info about me...

Email questionnaire that I filled out and sent back to BFE. Posted here cuz I like my answers and think they should be kept for posterity.

1. What is your occupation?
Self proclaimed absolute ruler of the free world (ARoFW)

2. What color are your socks right now?
nude with pink toenails...oh those aren't socks, they're my feet.

3. The last thing you ate?
does coffee count?

4. Can you drive a stick shift?
oh yeah baby, I can ride on your stick shift all night long

5. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Magenta!

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
we all know I HATE talking on the phone! Ummmm...think it might have been Hybrid's voicemail...live would be C2.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Not really. I just put up with her cuz she's cute and has an adorable albeit BAD dog.

8. How old are you today?
In Young Man's eyes I'm 26. So I'll go with that.

9. Favorite drink?
Alcoholic... wine, wine, wine...carmenere (aka devil wine)
NonAlcoholic...Is there anything but alcoholic drinks?

10. What is your favorite sport to watch?
anyone in which men are running around half naked showing off their bodies works for me.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
I love the 80's - what do you think?

12. Pets?
C2, Boo, Hybrid and a very smelly toy poodle. (didn't' give her the bath last night...ooops!)

13. Favorite Food to eat?
Any, all, everything! Grandma's meatballs.

14. Last movie you watched?
Oh, oh I know this answer! I actually went to the movies last weekend for the first time in months!!! what was the question again? Oh yeah, Mama Mia - fun movie!

15. What do you do to vent anger?
punch the MF who pissed me off.

16. Favorite Day of the year?
My birthday because then I'm not only ARoFW but also Queen!

17. What was your favorite toy as a child?
my little sister.

18. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
Spring

19. Hugs or kisses?
Both. I want both and because I am the ARoFW, I can have both!

20. Cherry or Blueberry?
Another Cherry? (name that movie and get 10 bonus points!)

21. Do you want your friends to email you back?
They don't give a rat's ass what I want. They will either bug me all day long or ignore me at their whim and I'm good with that. All in favor, raise your hand.

22. Who is most likely to respond?
stupid, stupid question

23. Who is least likely to respond?
even stupider.

24. Current living arrangements?
I've got three men I'm juggling, so thank goodness, none are living with me because that would just make juggling that much more difficult!

25. When was the last time you cried?
There's NO crying in baseball. (another 10 bonus points)

26. What is on the floor of your closet?
all my shoes with the door carefully latched closed to keep the smelly beast from eating them!

27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?
here come the stupid questions again.

28. The friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to:
stupid

29. Favorite smell?
Sex...not really my favorite smell but it is my favorite thing and well it does have a nice man smell that goes along with it. Plus there isn't a question I've been able to answer sex to yet!

30. What inspires you?
Oooo, ooo, I spoke too soon. Sex!

31. What are you afraid of?
ARoFW has no fears...well except snakes. They just are awful creepy crawlie yucky nasty little buggers.

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese! Oh yeah, and bacon. Bacon makes everything better.

33. Favorite car?
One being driven by a very sexy, available man preferably without his shirt on.

34. Favorite dog breed?
The breed is not important. What's important is on the inside.

36. How many years at your current job?
I dunno like f-ing forever. Oh wait, I'm 26 today, so 3 years.

37. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday, obviously!

38. How many states have u lived in?
4 - NY, NJ, PA, MD...wow, I think that's all.

39. How many countries have you been to?
I dunno like 17 or so. I'd have to look it up and I don't feel like it.

40. Today's date and time:
If you don't know and can't figure it out than you are stupider than you look.

Batting average improves!

Last I wrote, I was batting 400. But 2 weeks ago, the batting average improved! I met Young Man at C2 and my favorite haunts. He was there with a few friends. He asked me if I came down town often and I said, "well, sometimes, I guess." When C2 is around, I do go out there often but without her or the Hybrid, I don't. So, then he asked, "Would you like to go out with me some time?" He was cute, so I said yes. He got excited and asked for my phone number. I thought that maybe he'd call. He did...the next day. I've been meaning to blog and mention that I'm now batting 500, but I've been busy.

Young Man and I had a very nice time at dinner last weekend. After I found out his age (he is so young!), I thought that would be it for us. But he is a persistent fellow who will not be swayed by the difference in age. He wanted to go hiking this weekend, but circumstances prevented it. Instead we've been chatting on the phone. He's awesome. I shouldn't let myself go there, but I really like talking to him. I like our conversations - they're intelligent, fun and just go on forever. I spent 2-1/2 hours on the phone with him... and I HATE talking on the phone! I like the way we communicate. I like his excitement for life - yeah, yeah, of course he's excited, he's too young to be jaded! I like so much about him. I told him I was extremely concerned about the age difference. Anyone who is that much older than someone else who isn't - well they are a fool and an old fool at that. He doesn't think there should be an issue - but the younger person usually won't be the one with reservations. Especially when the older person is as hot as me (ha ha).

Yesterday he ended our phone call with, I'll leave it up to you if you want to see me or not. But then he called back about an hour later and asked me if we could go out to dinner as purely platonic friends. I said yes. He's too cute to resist!

The Rejection Letter

So, many moons ago, I was a senior in college. During the search for a “real job”, we would inevitably receive “stall” and rejection letters from companies who have determined that their company didn’t have any opportunities that met with our special abilities. As a matter of tradition, the recipients of such letters would post the letters on their bedroom door – giving prizes to the most original letters or phrases, most letters, etc. – providing entertainment to their fellow seniors.

In recent weeks/months, I’ve been “interviewing” men for the coveted position of my boyfriend. While applications haven’t necessarily been flooding in, it’s been fun and busy time for me. For the most part, interest wanes by one party or the other. The texts, calls and emails become fewer and further between, and the relationship dies a slow natural death. But, in some cases, the communication just stops suddenly.

In one particular case, the applicant went away on a summer trip. I sent him a “welcome home” email but heard nothing in reply. While I thought we had hit it off, I didn’t give his dropping off the face of the earth a second thought as I’ve come to expect such fickle behavior from the opposite sex. But strangely enough, I heard back from said applicant about a month later. And, it is for the entertainment of you my friends that I post the following letter. (no, I won’t put such things on my bedroom door!) While it is the nicest I’ve ever been dumped, I have still removed the names to protect the innocent…

Hello Bella,Came back from holidays about 2 weeks ago - I wanted to tell you that i met someone during the holidays and although its long distance, i should give the relationship with her a chance. So i guess its better we don't see each other although i should tell you that i very much enjoyed our evenings together. You're fun, friendly, smart and beautiful - although we barely know each other, we probably would have had a lot of fun discovering each other more. But life is life and nothing's new right? Hope all is well with you and that you either are taking or planning to take great holidays. take good care, Frenchie

Tale of two princes

Prince #1: He’s tall, dark and handsome: Dark hair, blue eyes, nice body – almost even sexy. As Hybrid says, “he’s an upstanding guy.” He’s honest, sweet, kind and very reserved - the type of guy that would be a good catch for any girl. He’s introverted but seems to enjoy being around people any way. We have a lot in common. We both like to garden, cook, listen to live music, enjoy wine and beer, hiking, kayaking and checking out nature. We’ve had some lovely times together. He is the type of man that will ground me. Reminds me of lyrics to a song:
To me he was Earth
and I rooted in his soil
I to he was Sky vast and free
of the burdens from which he toiled

Prince #2: Light hair, dark eyes, tall – most women wouldn’t find him sexy…unless of course “guitar players make their clothes fall off”. He’s honest, animated, talkative and really fun to hang out with. I feel like I can be my absolute goofy self around him. I cursed him out, threw a fooz ball at him, sucker punched him in the solar plexus all on the first date AND he still wants to date me. He likes my spunk! He thinks all my activities make me interesting. And, we have the most fabulous chemistry.

So what’s the problem? Well yesterday, I totally thought I couldn’t decide between the two. And, after last nights date with P1 and chatting on the phone with P2, I realized why. Prince #2 is too good to be true. I had told Roomie that I was going to write the blog of the imaginary perfect guy…..

Honest, tall (at least 6’), plays guitar (why do I have such a weakness for musicians??), +/- 5 years of my age, lives local, funny, assertive, compassionate, decent body, not manipulative or prone to depression. I want a guy to appreciate and think I’m a really neat person. And, they need to express that to me. They need to tell me I’m pretty, funny, smart and a fabulous person. And they need to give tome like I give to them. And, he must be a Christian.

P2 fits that description to a tee. But, am I falling into the chemistry trap? I have a habit of falling hard for a guy and missing all his flaws. Thinking he’s fabulous, only to find out (about) a month later that I’ve been fooling myself. I don’t want to make the mistake of running headlong into something with P2 and lose P1. But, that isn’t fair to keep P1 around, just in case. I know that. He’s a good person and doesn’t deserve that type of behavior from anyone. M&M says he’s too quiet for me. I’m not sure I agree with his assessment, but I almost feel he is too good for me. If it weren’t for P2, I wouldn’t stop seeing P1. P1 and I are taking it slow, like I’ve been told I should do. The logic part of me says it is the right thing to do. That’s the side I never listen to when it comes to men and where has it gotten me in the past…no where good, that’s for sure. So that tells me not to be foolish and run into something with P2. Are you confused yet? Good, you're right there with me!

I have to decide soon, though. Because I know dating them both is not good for them or me. If you play with fire, someone gets burned and then you’re nothing but a dumb ass arsonist!

A sweet melody

So I picked up the guitar for the first time in months last night. Hybrid played it the other day and made me want to try again. It was interesting feeling. The last time I picked it up, I was trying like crazy to learn to play some songs for church. I really wanted to replace the Michael guitar memories with something good and pure. It didn’t work. My heart wasn’t quite there – not the Jesus part, as I have quite the heart for Jesus. But it was the Jesus-music combination. So, eventually the playing dwindled off and the calluses faded. But last night was different. I played and my heart was there. I almost had 4 songs back. Not completely but within a half hour, I was remembering them without having to continuously look at the music. It felt right!

I’m thinking my emotional healing is a little slow. It was almost exactly two years ago that I gave up on my marriage. Yeah, we had been divorced for six months by then, but he was still giving me the impression that he thought he had made a mistake and was rethinking being such a scum bag. But, the final blow was made the beginning of August and I knew it was over. They say it takes a year for your heart to heal. And maybe that is what happened in the first year. And, after my heart healed, I think I needed to find myself again. Find the things that set my soul on fire. And, I have. This summer I realized I was finally content with my life. I liked hanging with my friends – even the ones who do the last minute blow offs! I love being involved in church and trying my hand at creating for worship. I really want to do that more (even if it isn’t the music portion!). I like going to shows and festival with my friends. I like the amount of physical activity that I’ve managed to incorporate in my life.

I went to bed with a happy spirit last night. Thinking I had gotten yet another part of me back. A part I had thought was gone for good. But, the dream I had last night, that gives me great solace. Maybe playing the guitar triggered it. Long story short, in the dream I realized that I was okay with Michael being gone. I was really okay with it. Sad, that something so good turned out to be so wrong; embarrassed that I had missed the signs that he was sneaking around. But, I’m definitely good with him being gone. Actually, while I said in the past I should be relieved that he left when he did – instead of later in life when something serious would have come along. I am actually relieved! And, I'm glad his negativity has been removed from my life. The dream with all its symbolism revealed to me why I could really play the guitar again.

Oh, and maybe the fact that I met a prince the other day. But that is a whole other story.

Where in the world have you been? A picture essay...

Sneak and Destroy

She’s the cutest little black fur ball with white paws. She was only coming for a visit! Yeah, I was foolish enough to believe that line. I mean, this is a line I tried to use on my parents. But since it wasn’t a child or teenager telling me, I believed the lie. “Of course she can visit – you live here, too,” I tell my 28 year old room mate. “Just don’t let my daughter meet her.”

I come home from work to find the cutest puppy in the world curled up on the couch with …you guessed it, my daughter. She and the dog were both sleeping, both looking so innocent and adorable. The room mate, she was no where to be seen. Hmmmm…..

A couple of days later, my daughter tells me, “her white paws looks like she is wearing mittens. I think she should be named Mittens, but that’s a cat’s name.”
“Then she can be called gloves”
“That’s stupid! What else could she be called?”
Sigh. I am obviously not going to end this discussion with my flippant remarks. I need to come up with a viable name for the puppy or this game will go on forever. “How about Mitsi? It’s short for mittens.”
Then, my crafty daughter says to me, “Well, if we name her, we’ll have to keep her.”
So I ask, “What did Roommate tell you when she brought this puppy home?”
Sheepishly my daughter says, “Well…..” (Her favorite stall line as she decides whether or not a lie will be a better answer than the truth.) “She told me that if we kept her around for a few days, you’d fall in love with her and we would be able to keep her.”

So, about a year later, Mitsi is still living with us. Although last night, I changed her name to Sneak and Destroy. This little beast, who is still absolutely adorable, which is the only reason she is still alive, mind you, has a vindictive streak a mile wide. We crate her when we are not home because she thinks shoes are good food. The crate moratorium went into effect the day I came home to find my favorite black shoes ripped to shreds on my floor (along with a couple other pairs of shoes strewn through out the house for good measure). So, I think, crate her furry butt when we aren’t here – problem solved. Right?

Every day when I come home from work/working out, I let her out of her crate feed her, play with her, take her outside to run around, cuddle her, love her, etc. Give her all the attention she lacked all day. Last night, after taking her outside, after playing ball and fetch with her, after petting and cuddling her, I was on the floor doing sit-ups. Mitsi decides to help by sitting on my chest and licking my face. Eventually she becomes bored of this game. I continue my sit-ups, only to find out she has snuck off, pulled the garbage out of the bathroom can and proceeded to shred it.

This isn’t the first time she has snuck off to grab and chew something that doesn’t belong to her. You’d think the dog was deprived. She only has about 27 stuffed toys, three raw hide bones, a couple of balls and other toys strewn throughout the house. But, instead she goes for socks, underwear, tissues and paper. She also seems to think that her chi is disturbed if the dirt isn’t dug out of the pots of my floor plants and a couple of leaves shredded besides them. She won’t do these things in front of us. She sneaks away and hides in another room as she destroys what she finds. I’m pretty sure she is at the teenage years of doggy land because she KNOWS she is being bad and still can’t help herself. The excitement of stealing things and tearing them up is just too hard to resist! It gets her adrenaline going! And, I'm starting to believe, she is an adrenaline junkie!

At this point, all I can say is she’s lucky she’s so dang cute!

Another one bites the dust...

I like men who are assertive. Not aggressive, not bossy, but assertive. Assertive doesn't mean you can't be kind and polite, but it does mean you ask for what you want. You don't let people walk all over you and then whine about it or wear it like a badge of honor. The sneaky sleezy ex was not assertive. And, I attribute much of the heart break he caused me to be a result of his non-assertive (aka pussy-ass) tendancies. I think much of it could have been avoided if he had just been able to ask for what he wanted. This is a major contributer to my feelings of disdain for potential mates who are non-assertive.

Unfortunately, the genius has fallen to this level. I had suspected he was a bit of puss when he told me about making soup but not delivering because he didn't have the nads to tell his ex-wife and her friend to leave a bowl of soup for his sick friend. He said he sat there feeling at a loss of words to have an excuse to ask them not to eat all the soup. I wanted to say - why not the truth. why not say, "I'd like to take a bowl of soup to my sick friend, so please leave one." If this were the only incident, I wouldn't call puss. But, coupled with other incidents, my conclusion is puss. So, the genius's application for boyfriend has been denied. I'll be his friend, but nothing more.

What's wrong with me?

I don’t understand why guys don’t ask me out. I just don’t get it. I’ve been told many times that I’m pretty. I have a pretty face. My hair is fabulous (it’s the one thing I love about me) – it’s long and while not blonde, a pretty brunette. Zodiac told me the guys check me out at the gym all the time. Since there’s a lot of female eye candy at the gym, if guys are looking at me it must means I have to have a decent body. Right? I know my legs are kicking (hee hee – very punny). So, what is it about me that guys don’t like? Why don’t they ask me out? Zodiac said it was the way I carried myself - like I already had a boyfriend or husband. What does that mean? How am I supposed to carry myself? Do I have to wear a sign that says, “single and would consider a date with you…if you aren’t weird, fat, or overly hairy.”

And, what is it with online dating? I don’t understand why I don’t hear back from the guys that are decent looking. I don’t think my pictures are that bad. I know I don’t photograph great and most guys say I look better in person. But it can't be that drastic of a difference. So why can’t I get guys to try and meet me? It seems like the only ones that write (either first or back) turn out to be duds. I’ve even checked out the competition (yes, I actually looked at other girl’s sites) and they aren’t any prettier than me. I don’t have a ton of stuff in my profile, so I can’t see that putting guys off. I just really don’t get it. I feel like writing the guys and asking, “hey I’d really like some constructive criticism as to what is wrong with my profile. So, can you please tell me why you didn’t write back to me?” Yeah, I’d immediately be tagged as a “crazy bitch”. But dang, why don’t they think I’m worth 5 minutes and an email. I’m sure if they saw me in a bar/restaurant/coffee shop, they’d be checking me out. Guys always do…actually that is how I can tell if a guy is single, married or gay. I can almost always see it in the way they look or don’t look at me. Gay guys actually appreciate my beauty, but don’t have the lust behind their eyes! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m drop dead gorgeous, but I’ve yet to meet someone who meets me for the first time and guesses my age within 5 years! They always suspect me to be 5-10 years younger. So that tells me I’m well preserved, if nothing else. I am short – but it can’t be that. So really what is it?

I miss the 80’s. I had my choice of guys back then. None of them were married. Most were interested and if they weren’t, I could win them over. Of course, looking back, they all had bad hair. Now-a-days, most don’t have any hair! Ha! I do miss the 80’s! But worm holes don’t exist, so I guess I’m stuck in the present (not even a cool decade…the 00’s wtf?) realizing that I don’t understand men (I used to think I did) and probably never will. The funny part is I’m kinda okay with that.