I give up

I really don't get YM. I thought for sure everything was done between us and all of a sudden, it doesn't seem that way. After our talk a week or so ago, I thought it was just a matter of time before he realized it was over. But that didn't happen. We hung out a few times since then and he still seems interested. I just can't figure him out. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything "serious" bu he does want exclusivity. I truly believe it's the age thing that makes it hard for me to understand where he is coming from. But, at least for now, I'll play along. I do like spending time with him. I totally enjoy his company. I think he is a very upstanding guy. For the most part, I trust him. Which is good for me. I still don't have much faith that the relationship will last into the spring, but one never can tell these things.

But, I give up trying to figure him out. It seems to consume too much of my time and I want that to stop. Any way, my life is in a holding pattern any way, so I guess i can waste some more time with him to see where it might end up. He is a very special person. Too bad he's so damn young!

It's over

Well, it's over. Not all out officially but just the formality of getting stuff back left at each other's place. Oh yeah, and YM coming to terms with it. He's a good person and I think the only reason he's stayed with me for as long is a sense of honor and obligation. but I think once he got into the relationship, he realized he didn't want the relationship i wanted, that I told him I wanted (but he was too infatuated to hear).

He thought he wanted it but what he wanted was an exclusive "casual" dating relationship that included sex. I remember those from my college years. You weren't really thinking about the long term, merging lives, getting married, etc. You just wanted your "boyfriend" who you saw a couple of times a week. The rest of the time you wanted to do you own thing. You thought it was a mature committed relationship. but it wasn't. That's what he or pretty much any other guy his age wants. That's not what I want.

He doesn't want to end it because he doesn't want to hurt me - very noble and honorable of him. But, I don't want that for him or me. So, it's just a matter of time until he realizes it and we end this, which most likely will be the next time we see each other. I can't think of anything that will change the outcome...well, maybe him coming to some crazy conclusion that he can't stand the thought of not having me. But, I'm pretty sure that won't happen.

I've learned alot from this relations ship. But I'll save that for another post. I need to go deliver a pie.

Update on YM

So during the quiet times, you can presume YM and I are doing well. But now, things are a bit different. He seems to be doing less and less as time goes by - less effort, less emails, less compliments, less little presents and notes. I’m not sure if it’s because he is comfortable with me and doesn’t feel he needs to win me over. Or, he’s becoming less enchanted with our relationship. Either way, I’m not thrilled with the way things are going.

Maybe I’m selfish and want to be lavished with attention. I think I give a lot back, though. So, it’s not really selfish. It's just I want someone to seem excited to see me, talk to me and want to spend time together. Maybe it's our personalites, but I really think it is the age thing finally coming to play. After the pursuit of my heart, he decided to slip into the normal pattern to be expected of a 25 year old.

He no longer plans ahead to make time to be with me. I think he’d be happy with just hanging out once or twice a week. And, he likes to go visit his family every other weekend. That’s not what I want. I want a boyfriend who wants to spend time together. Who wants to look at our schedules, see what each of us has to get done and to plan a way to be together every couple of days.

When he asks me about the future, it is as if we are strangers. Not someone who wants to consider putting his life with me. To me that is what a committed, long term relationship is. He pushed so hard to get me to commit to him and I’m starting to think it wasn’t for the same reasons I had in mind.

He hasn’t told his folks about me. That shows me he has a lack of commitment toward me. He wants to keep me hidden (until the relationship is over?). There is a definite lack of intention on his part. I want someone who will introduce me to their family and friends. I want someone who after four months is thinking about integrating our lives together. Not someone who keeps me separate from everyone else.

He outright told me he doesn’t want to live with someone and he doesn’t see himself getting married for 5-10 years. I don’t want a live away boyfriend for the next 5 years. Hell, I don’t want that for the next 2 years.

He doesn’t say “I love you” first any more. He doesn’t ask to undress me the rare times he sleeps over. He sometimes ends conversations for no apparent reason. He recently told me that conversations with me were too exhausting. I thought he liked to talk about intellectual things. It was one of the things that made me like him. After we were apart, he used to come back with things he had thought about. He doesn’t think about me when we are apart any more.

So, with all this, I’m pretty sure that I was right a couple of months ago. It’s funny how that works. He liked the chase. And, he was quite good at it. But, he doesn’t know how to keep someone interested in him. Either that, or he lost interest in me and is just along for the ride. Either way, I want more than he’s giving me right now. I’m not sure how to get it, either. So I’ll fill my life with other things and see how this feels. I’m pretty sure, it will not be acceptable in the long run. It’s really sad. But what I get for being silly enough to date someone that much younger than me.

The Perfect Date

My date picked me up and told me I looked beautiful. I was allowed to trump the Garmen for directions down town – til I was ready to relinquish control. Immediately upon arriving at the party, I was given a glass of wine. We had a fabulous dinner and dinner company. I was introduced to everyone and never left in a corner by myself. My wine glass was never empty and I had ample wine to the perfect amount of drunk. When we got back to my house, I was escorted inside and given a full glass of water - to prevent hangover. My date left with never having made a pass at me! That evening I received a text to say thanks and it was fun. Then, the next day, my date showed up at church and sat next to me!

Talk about perfect date!!!!!!!!!!! If only we could teach this to men!

Yeah, my date was to my best friend's Christmas party. I'm not sure if her co-workers think we're gay, but that's okay. It was the best date I've had in months!

I miss my roomie.

I knew this day would come where my whole heart just sank into the hole she created when she left. I have other fabulous friends who are there for me, but I still miss so many things.
I miss having someone I can completely rely on when the world starts spinning out of control or Britt jut needing something little (which is like the world ending in Britt's book!)
I miss just sitting round, doing nothing and talking about heaven knows what.
I miss talking about how BAR and why we should never really worry about their ignorance.
I miss coffee on the couch in the morning.
I miss not worrying if the house is clean cuz she doesn't care and we can blame it on each other. I miss sharing Mitsi with her.
I miss wearing the Bad Influence badge when she was really the bad one!
I miss going home and losing myself so much that I forget about work woes.
I miss her asking me to open a bottle of wine.

I miss her cheerful smile - even at 7 a.m. when no one has the right to be cheerful.

I miss coffee in the morning - not so much the coffee but knowing it was made by someone who loves me and is making the coffee for me out of that love.

I really, really miss her.

Life's lesson

Each day a strand
Pulled from the cord
Then it’s all unraveled.

Each hour a feather
Plucked from the chick
The down runs out

A brick at a time
The wall is built
But suddenly appears

No flag raised
Nor caveat shouted
Not even a whisper

Quiet pleasure
Until…
The trance is broken.

All I want

I want to be
In your thoughts
when you're turning out the light.

I want you to dream
Of only me
When you're sleeping in the night

I want you to long
For my hand
When you awake from your slumber

I want you to wonder
What I'd think
Of the ideas that you ponder.

I want you to be
Missng me
When we are far apart.

I want you to think
The world revolves
Around what's inside my heart.

Selfish - yes
Absorbed - probably
But it's what I truly want.