Drifting

I feel like I'm drifting lately. I'm a bit out of sorts because of it. I don't know what I truly want in my life right now. So I drift.

I had a bf who was less than. He was too young for me and I knew that from the git go. But, I fooled myself into believing that he was the one...because besides the age thing, he was perfect...well right up until I committed to him. Then I saw he had put on this pretense of a person he wasn't to try and win my affections. It worked. And, it took months for me to realize he never really was that person I fell in love with. Yeah, he was too young and thus the reason for his pretense - a foolish young man's mistake. But I'm still sad. I loved the feeling I had when I finally let go. I was flying and feeling so good that I found someone to love. It was funny how quickly he changed once I was "his". He even admitted that he didn't think he had to try so hard anymore. The boy does have quite a bit to learn. But I guess so do I!

I don't really want a bf right now. I do but I don't. I want to be madly in love with someone and have them feel the same way about me. Have someone to get giddy over. .. who when I see their name on the phone come up, I smile and get butterflies. Who I can't wait to see again. The problem is it just hasn't happened to me and I don't feel like it's in the cards for me. I don't understand why. It doesn't seem fair really.

At the same time, I'm okay with it. I love hanging out with my friends and not worrying about the whole relationship thing. I like being able to do what I want, when I want and not worrying about pleasing someone else.

Add this to work being - well, just work. I dont' have a whole lot of ambition there right now. So, all of this makes me feel like I'm drifting aimlessly about. No real point. I mean really, what is the point? I don't understand why God has put me in this position. I don't really care for not being in a relationship. But, the effort required to find someone is just not worth it. It's fucked.

So I drift....

Back to the Gym

I haven’t felt like writing lately. I haven’t felt like doing much lately. I think the winter blahs truly had a hold on me. So in order to break its spell, I recommitted to working out. Yesterday, I went to the gym. All my old favorites were there.

Zodiac asked me where I had been…he had missed me. He’s such a nice guy. We chatted for a bit – mostly about my pathetic love life. He thinks I’m too shy. I know it’s because I’m too particular - yeah, I actually want a guy with morals, a brain, a sense of humor and a decent body. Damn my high standards! But hell, I not too shy! Zodiac is having cataract surgery on his right eye this week. He already had his left eye done. I am hoping it will go well for him.

Nice Girl wasn’t there last night but I did see her a week ago on my first day back. She was wondering what happened to me. She had hoped all was well with me. She is the other person I had wondered and thought about the most after I stopped going to the gym. It was nice to see her.

JabberJaws (JJ) wasn’t there but JJ2 was. I never see these two guys lift or use the equipment. Ususally they are standing next to one of the regulars just chatting away. The gym is their social outlet. JJ usually stops by to chat with me. Nice Girl told me that they were discussing me and why I had stopped going to the gym a couple of weeks ago. He told her that my boyfriend, who was in law enforcement probably wouldn’t let me go any more. Now that’s a double hoot! I mean me, a boyfriend. Ha! And as if ANY man can tell me what to do – hahaha! And, if one were to forbid me to do something…well, even if I didn’t want to do it, I’d be doing it – probably twice as often, too. I can’t wait to see JJ and tease him about how my boyfriend is going to arrest him for talking to me!

Besides Nice Girl and Zodiac, the usual cast of eye candy was there. Rising Sun and Marley (along with some of his wailers) were still lifting together. They are usually my primary form of entertainment while at the gym. So absolutely fabulous to watch. A few new guys...one who is in competetion with Ghiradeli and Lindt. Hmmm...not sure what to name him. And, Tall, Dark and Handsome was there. He has such a fabulous shape. Maybe one of these days he'll actually look at me so I can smile at him and try to strike up a conversation. I bet he's married (no ring on his finger but he's working out) or has a gf...he seems to only be concerned with his work out.

But in all, it was a wonderful trip. Lots of entertainment... in the form of overflowing testosterone. Testosterone is God's ensurance that men will do stupid things to either irritate or entertain women. I love it!

Maybe the next trip will inspire me to write my top 10 favorite things about the gym!