a little bit of history

PJ was in a weird mood tonight. He had a rough day and wasn't feeling great - mood wise. I tried to get him to talk about it, but he chose not to. That's okay with me. We aren't in the same state and there are times I just need to talk to someone face to face to be able to make them understand what is going on. I think that was the case for him. He told me he was moody and wanted to be sure i knew that. I dont' ever remember him being moody and I told him so. He told me that was because he was always happy when he was with me. I told him the same went for me. Then he told me about a time when he remembered me not being happy.

"It was the last time I saw you about 1999. I was in the state visiting and took you out to such and such restaraunt. We were standing on the sidewalk of a street by the monument after dinner. And, we hugged each other. And, it was horrible because we both knew it was goodbye. We were both really upset by it. At least I was and you seemed so, too. It was this feeling like we'll never touch each other this closely again. It was sad. I thought the whole thing was wrong but there wasn't anything I could do about it. "

It was interesting to hear that last time I saw him from his point of view. I vaguely remember that meeting and remember how much it broke my heart that we were living so far apart with no chance of the situation changing. I was with the cowardly ex and he was with IG. We were both in the situation where we were considering making the situation permanent and this was our goodbye. It tore my heart to pieces and I promply blacked it out. I didn't remember it until he reminded me of it tonight. It's odd how sad it made me, too.

Anyway, he 2nd to last text of the evening was the absolute sweetest. "I have needed and loved you for a long time." Ditto.

Bacon Fat and Cream Cheese

It was a beautiful weekend. all the stress was for naught. Everything was perfect, just perfect. We had a lovely evening on Friday...no worries about the food. While we had decided to go out for Sushi, we changed our minds because PJ had a snack prior to leaving home and wasn't hungry. So we went back to the house and snuggled (etc.) until after 10. At that point, he mentioned food and we decided on snacks. Grilled cheese and tomato. All that stressing and that's what we had and HE insisted on cooking. More snuggling and then bed (actually the bed came before the snuggling etc.) We were slow moving out of the bed on Saturday but managed to get to my "party" at a decent time. It was a beautiful day and all went well.

Sunday morning he decided to cook, again. I let him. He is pretty bossy about cooking and because his food is so good and I love being pampered, I don't see a point in arguing. While looking for ingredients, he asked if I had any bacon fat. Yes, bacon fat! That awful stuff that roomie used to keep hidden here and there labeling it "flavorings" as if I couldn't tell exactly what it was. I told him to check the freezer and look for the code word (flavorings) but I probably got rid of it all by now. I immediately texted roomie to tell her. She was thrilled that he wanted to use bacon fat. She said she liked him already but he needed to pass the cream cheese test... the litmus test for all people. So I asked him how he felt about cream cheese. He responded and I quote, "Who doesn't like cream cheese? I mean there has to be something wrong with you if you don't like cream cheese!" I nearly fell off my chair. If roomie wasn't married, I'd think she'd be all "Oh I love your boyfriend. And, it IS in the I"m going to steal him kind of way!" Okay, so roomie would never steal a man from me, but I know she already loves him! Now just wait til she meets him!

Happiness is...

I am beside myself. PJ is coming to visit today. He gets here at 7:14 p.m. I hope his plane is on time. I’ve spent the entire week fretting and worrying about every little thing.
…If I had enough and the appropriate food in the house.
…If the house was clean enough.
…If my car were clean enough.
…If I have the appropriate sexy nightie to wear.
…What I am going to do with the child to get her out of my hair so I don’t have to worry about her for the weekend.
…Where we will eat.
…What we will eat.
…What to do on Sunday.
…Will we still love each other after the weekend.

It’s been crazy to say the least. I’ve told PJ some of the crazy thoughts that have gone through my head. He is very good at reassuring me. He’s told me several times not to worry about anything that we will have a good time no matter what. I’m glad he doesn’t think I’m a total freak for the way I am wigging out over this!

There are less than six hours right now until I get to see him! This morning I sent the following email to M&M. He thinks I’m fun to be around…all giddy and such!

Don’t worry, Be happy
Happy happy joy joy, Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy
I’m happy. Hope you’re happy too.
I'm feeling glad. I got sunshine in a bag.
I’m walking on Sunshine. And don’t it feel good!
I Feel good… I knew that I would. And I feel nice, Like sugar and spice.
Pour some Sugar on me.
Sugar, Sugar, Oh, Honey Honey
Sugar Pie Honey bunch
This musical reverie was brought to you by the Welcome to Friday Fan club!

Yep, I’m feeling very, very happy today! And, I like it!

Sugar and Spice

It’s so sugary sweet, it’ll make C2 sick…and you know that’s SWEET considering she is a southerner who thinks a little bit of sugar can be added to make just about everything better. But what is it? You guessed it… the texts from PJ. I almost don’t want to tell you about them but I’m going to anyway. So, if you don’t want to have too many sweets today, you might not want to read!

We text each other pretty regularly throughout the day. The first one arrives around 7-7:30 in the morning. Sometimes they are how’s your day? Or did you sleep well? The end up with us lamenting over the fact that we slept alone and wished the other was there. One morning he wrote, that was a nice talk we had last night. Now I miss not having you around even more. What a wonderful way for me to start my day!

In the evening, we usually send texts saying goodnight, etc. I signed off “hugs” one night. He replied, kisses. I replied nibbles and he said he liked nibbles. I told you this was so grossly sweet! So now we pretty much say good night with kisses and other stuff you can only do in person.

We’ve been counting down until we see each other. It is about a week now. Then the other day he was talking about how he was bored at work. So he told me it was 9 days, 8 hours and 27 minutes until we saw each other again. I converted them all to minutes (yeah, I know geeky of me). Then, he wrote a computer program to calculate the exact number of minutes…yeah, even geekier of him! So now, at random times throughout the day, he keeps me updated on the exact number of minutes until his plane touches down in my fair city. It always makes me smile!

Sweet and geeky…I love it! You may now proceed to the nearest commode and puke.

Insecurities revealed

So I sent PJ a note. I gave him a little background about how much damage the lying, cheating ex did and how my friends really helped to carry me and then walk with me while I healed. I told him about how I have moments of extreme insecurity. I wrote all of this because I wanted him to understand the odd behavior I exhibit at times. I also wrote it because I care tremendously about him. If he felt I was no longer the person he fell in love with or there was just too much crazy to deal with, I wanted him to know now and have a way to “opt out”. So I wrote it and sent it and then waited. It was hard waiting on his reply. I was terrified he’d take the easy way out.

But instead he told me he’s always known I was competent, smart, funny and fun. And only recently, has he come to realize how confident and independent I am. Even though he was not surprised -- he always knew I had a lot of will.

He told me how sorry he was about the past but he was glad I told him about it. He feels that trust is the most important thing. And he was glad I could trust him with my feelings. He understood how hard what I went through was and that if I actually want to talk about it, he was more than willing to listen. He acknowledged that we all have our moments of extreme insecurity, and they do pass, but it's probably better to talk about them. Finally he embraced my crazy and said it was on his list of "perfect woman" characteristics.

Talk about saying all the right things to make me feel better. It kills me that I have these very low valleys of insecurity…when generally I think I’m great (haha). But I always thought that having a partner who completely understood it but still thought I was awesome was just too much to ask for. Talk about having the “perfect” for me characteristics! He seems to possess them all.

Getting scared

I don't want to get scared, but I can't help it. I woke up and this popped into my head...yeah it's still a work in progress....

I thought I
Lost you, Forever
But your back and I want you to stay.

There's so much time
To make up for
And, I want to show you the way.

Am I boring you
Too whiney
Is this a big mistake?

Are you busy
Do you miss me
Why am I wide awake?

I want to see you
And hold you
here right next to me.

There's so much time
to make up for
Should I just let you be?

In His Time

I truly believe God knows our every desire and it is his intent to fulfill them…but always in His time.

This past Sunday, I had to give praise to the Lord for the good he has done with my life. The evil ex (EE) destroyed my hopes, dreams, esteem and left my life heart tattered and torn. I had never been so hurt in all my life. My baby girl was having a hard enough time facing the challenges of her teen years – suffering with her own esteem issues and an absentee father. The decisions made by the EE only reinforced her feelings of inadequacy causing grief for us both. It was a very dark period in my life.

Then along came my Christian friends and their community. As pastor Ron promised they carried me from here to there and then walked by my side and brought me to the light. It was only just recently that I realized that not only was I whole again, but I was more whole than I had been before the EE left. I knew who I was, what I wanted in my life and I was surrounded by love and friendship. I was more than content with my life, I was thrilled.

And then He blessed me one more time. He brought PJ back into my life. Someone I thought I had lost forever. He was an ex-lover who became my good friend when our lives’ circumstances couldn’t allow anything more. I always thought that one day we’d be together again but never really believed it to be possible. As he put it, “This is the resumption of a wonderful relationship after a 20 year hiatus, during which we both suffered horribly.” And, here he is back in my life. And, he is everything I ever wanted in a partner. His ability to communicate to me and understand me is astonishing. He is kind, gentle, intelligent and fun to be around.

On Sunday, Bruce spoke of God giving us a gift so spectacular that we could have never imagined the gift prior to receiving it. That is how I feel. And if, I were to be asked, if I’d be willing to go through the pain and torment of the past few years to experience the joy that I am experiencing now, I’d say yes.

He knew my heart’s desire and He brought it to me. I have complete faith in this.

Too good to be true!

Sorry I’ve been remiss in writing. So where did we leave our hapless heroine? Oh yes, so I placed my list of demands and he accepted them. Amazing, just amazing!

We texted each other for a couple of days. Then on Thursday, I called him. The conversation started out with, “I’ve been thinking…” Most people know that when I start off with that, usually running, not walking to the nearest exit is the best course of action. He hasn’t figured that out yet. I told him I had looked at my schedule and realized it was filling up and if we didn’t figure out when we’d see each other again, it might not happen. I asked when he would be coming to MD and he said it wasn’t til the end of July. I told him I wanted to see him before that, if it was okay. He seemed pleasantly surprised.

I told him I’d check my schedule and let him know some options for dates. He said whatever I wanted would be good for him. But, he said he wanted to pay for my trip. We discussed that point with no resolution. I pretty much told him no. I'm sure it will come up again. When I looked at my schedule I realized my first free weekend wasn’t until June 27. But also, the weekend after that was a 3 day (holiday for the 4th), so I posed the two dates. He picked the long weekend…good answer! So it’s now all booked that I will make my second trip to Vermont, July 2-5th. I’m very excited.

We texted each other here and there on Friday. I knew he was off to be with his girls, so I left him alone on Saturday. Sunday morning he texted me to let me know he had been thinking of me on Saturday and was presently at work. He had arranged his trip to MD (with his daughters to visit his parents) to be July 19-25. Then he texted me, “what do you think about white water rafting?” It’s funny he wrote that. And, if I weren’t on my way to church, I would have sent a longer text asking him if he recalled the last time we went white water rafting. Instead, I just told him I like it. Then he texted, “I was thinking of you and me, and the three girls. Is that stupid?”

Gosh he is so dang adorable! I love that he wanted to get the girls (his two and mine) together and for us all to do something fun. And, he wonders if it is stupid. NO, not stupid at all! So we spend a bit of time figuring out the trip and what day will work. It’s really very sweet. I thought I was the consummate planner but here he is 8 weeks out from his trip and he has already planned for us to go rafting on Thursday. And since it is now entered into my omnipotent calendar… it is as good as done.

Last night I gave him a call. It’s weird that I’ve no qualms about calling him. I don’t usually call guys without some sort of reason. He doesn’t make it such that I really feel that I need one. And, I’m guessing since I laid down the rule of “I don’t want to have to talk every day,” he is more likely to text or email than call. So I don't mind doing it.

We talked for two and a half hours. In discussing his trip, I asked what he would tell his girls. They are 15 and 13. He said he had planned on telling them his friend and her daughter were coming with them on the trip. And, he figured they wouldn’t ask much else. I’m not sure how much of a dumb man he is being or if he knows his daughters well enough. But, I told him that won’t work for Boo, she’ll be too curious…especially since I’ll have gone to visit for a second time and because I was requesting her presence on the rafting trip. He asked me what I would tell her. I stammered and he said, “See you don’t know what to tell her…so why don’t you tell her that you don’t really know?” I told him because since Boo is 19, she will come right out and ask if I were having sex with him. He was surprised. So I spent some time explaining my relationship with my daughter to him…not that I really understand it all that much myself. But, I do stress the importance of honesty with her and feel like if I’m not honest with her, she won’t be with me. I think he understood my opinion and has no problem with me answering her questions directly... not that I'll let it get to the point where she'll ask me about sleeping with him!

Then he asked me how I’d feel about having dinner at his parents’ place once during his trip to MD. I love that he doesn’t assume anything and asks me how I feel about thing. My Lord, why is it so many men are so stupid about such things?!? They make assumptions because they either don’t think about it or are afraid to ask such things. Any way, I was really glad he asked me about it. I asked him what his parents knew about us. Then, as he stammered with his answer, I told him, it really didn’t matter. I like them and would enjoy having dinner with them. He said while they knew I had been up to visit him, they didn’t know much else. But, they liked me too and that would be why they would ask me to dinner.

I then pointed out that his daughters might find it odd that I’d be having dinner with them, hanging out with him and then going rafting with them. That maybe they would be curious as to our relationship. He wasn’t sure but was glad I pointed it out and didn’t let him get blindsided by it.

After that, I told him a lot about Boo, the problems we’ve had through the last few years and the shame I feel for not being a good enough mother. Other than my closest friends, most people have no idea of what I went through with her. I wanted him to know these things because if it were to be a deal breaker, I needed it out in the open immediately. He didn’t seem condescending like other men I’ve been with. He actually bolstered me up by pointing out how I had done it without a whole lot of help and it seemed like I was the driving force in her life and how hard it must have been. Other than a few girlfriends, he is one of the few people that really understood my pain and didn’t fault me. I’m still blown away by it. I feel so blessed to have him back in my life.

He just texted me. It said how much he enjoyed our conversation and how much it more it made him miss me. It seems too good to be true. Oh Lord, don’t let this be too good to be true!