Drifting

Spinning
Spiraling
Soaring up high

Twisting
Twirling
Turning the tide

That is the way days go
This is the song I know
North wind is gonna blow

Flitting
Fluttering
Floating on by

Dancing
Dallying
Drifting I hide

This is the song I know
North winds gonna blow
Looking for the snow.

Faith

My BFE posted this song by Jordan Sparks. I'm glad she did. I need to hear it. I wish it would just sink in and I could believe it.

Hey there sad eyes.
What's on your mind?
Don't look so down.
Give it some time.

You don't have to be so hard on yourself.
I know the world can be a brutal place.
Please don't let it steal your smile away.

Cause when the sky's the darkest,
You can see the stars.
And when you fall the hardest,
You find how strong you are.

Close your eyes, rest awhile.
It's been a long long day.
So come on baby, baby have a little faith.

Let those tears fall,
You gave it your all.
It's all you can do.
I'll be here for you.
And there goes your pride,
Crushed on the ground.
Sometimes it takes a wall to tumble down,
For you to see who's gonna stick around.

Cause when the sky's the darkest,
You can see the stars.
And when you fall the hardest,
You find how strong you are.

Close your eyes, rest awhile.
It's been a long long day.
So come on baby, baby have a little faith.

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better yeah.
And it takes so much to be brave.
Sometimes it feels like forever.
But when all the lights begin to fade.

And when the sky's the darkest,
You can see the stars.
And when you fall the hardest,
You find how strong you are.

Close your eyes, rest awhile.
It's been a long long day.
So come on baby, baby have a little faith..
Have a little faith.
Ooh, oh, ooh
.Have a little faith.
Have a little faith.

Affinity

Excuse me while I bleed on you
Perhaps you’re broken, too
Suffocating lips of blue

Cloudy skies filled with rain
Cancer called just a stain
Denial, repressed pain

Battles lost without the fight
Caverns detached from the light
Stoic wrong or right

Messages of cheery thought
Happiness that can’t be bought
Garbage that you caught

After living with a cheat
I have for you such a treat
Pardon me and my feet


I read a text from a friend while listening to a Regina Spektor song today. The result was the above poem. Each stanza reflects some aspect of a person in my life...whether it be their past, present or a mishmash of both. All except the last one. that one is my cry to the big G.

I feel guilty for feeling bad about my heartache. I have so much more than most but still the emotional pain seems to overshadow it all.

I wonder what the results of the upcoming test will reveal about me. I wonder if it is another trial placed before me or will be nothing at all. I'm definitely not Job and this time, i'm afraid I'll fail.

Employee Assessment Part 2

So, several years later (how many is it DEAR?), here is the filled out follow up to my employee assessment.

EMPLOYEE: Hello…this heading was to be eliminated. I work for nobody!

TITLE: ARoFW

SUMMARY of ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Established and trademarked title – Absolute Ruler of the Free World
Recruited and hired full staff consisting of the following.

• DEAR – Director of Errands for the Absolute Ruler. He is in charge of keeping track of all my details and reminding me of things I forget (that probably weren’t important in the first place). And when the going gets tough, he knows enough to say, “yes dear”. He always has (well, except the short period of time when the REAR bribed me and the DEAR was a bit insubordinate, but that is long forgotten) and will alwaysl be first in command. He is also the only person on the face of the planet that has proof of my acknowledging he was right and I was wrong…or something trivial like that.
  
• REAR – Royal Executioner for the Absolute Ruler. My hatchet man graduated from my alma mater. He is tall, dark and has a mighty evil laugh. By hiring him I met two objectives – as I delegated evil laughing to him.
  
• ARC-WELD – don’t even ask me what all those letters stand for….metallurgists! The important one is L – it stands for libations. And, the metallurgist not only knows all sorts of metallurgy stuff (hey I’m keeping it non-technical for this review), but he is also in charge of creating libations…namely beer, for the ARoFW. He also helps me to meet two of my objectives, as I delegated the amassing of weapons to him (they are afterall mostly metal) Actually, I think weapons is what the W stands for.

Finally, I did acquire an evil shark but soon found out sharks make poor mascots. Not only do they require water to survive, but they have beady eyes and can’t be trusted. They are always on the lookout for themselves. They do meet the requirement of being evil but not really the type of evil mascot I was looking for.

STRENGTHS: It is sooo boring to talk about how great I am. We all know the magnitude of my greatness or I wouldn't have been elected ARoFW...or was that self appointed. No matter. This category shall be eliminated!

DEVELOPMENT AREAS: This one, too. These are so meaningless and politically correct...seriously. Just say weaknesses! Oh in that case, my weaknesses...Johnny Depp, men with well sculpted biceps, pectoralis major and abdomenal muscles, and...dang oh yeah, concentrating on work after thinking about such scrumptious thoughts.

CAREER OBJECTIVES: Yeah, yeah, yeah, same stuff different year.

ACTION PLANS FOR DEVELOPMENT AREAS & CAREER OBJECTIVES:
Get an evil mascot – ruled out sharks (see above)
Expand staff –Hacker and Chauffer, maybe.
Figure out a way to infiltrate the great IT wall of china and get all my chinese friends capable of FB, Twitter and other fun filled and time wasting devices
Get a Wii…just cuz it seems like fun and the thing to do these days
Give self and staff a raise and a severance package like Sheila Dixon (that evil wench! She is someone to emulate)
Update logo

Please feel free to apply for staff position. You must come up with a creative, yet applicable job title with acronym, your qualifications for the position and your responsibilities and duties. Then, it will go for a vote from the staff and if I don't like the vote, I'll change it. After all, I am the ARoFW ! (cue thunder, lightning, evil laugh)...ooo a sound guy would be a good minion.

Rough

Today started out rough. I know my faith is waning and there isn't much I can do about it. It's hard for me to believe in a higher being when I feel so sad and lonely - wanting so desparately to find my soul mate. I know I'm not meant to understand the divine plan but it seems like the waiting has gone on so long. I know I am blessed, for I am not a child of Haiti, Santa Rosa in the Domincan Republic, where the basics of life are hard to come by... food, shelter, water. Nor am I a child of Iran, Iraq or other parts of the world where women are not considered equal with men. I know I have freedom and privelege beyond many others. And, I should be grateful, which makes my suffering seem ridiculous and shallow. But, I am sad and lonely and do miss having a constant in my life. So, I lose faith that our God is good, that He cares for us and has a plan for us, that His Will can and will be done. And, when this lack of faith rears its ugly head in my inability to worship at Sunday morning service, its a rough morning.

Luckily the day got better. My friend had a party - just a party where they are selling stuff. But it was nice because there were a good many of my friends from church there. It helped uplift my spirits and made me forget my lonliness for a couple of hours.

So now, as bed time approaches, I feel a little better about my waning faith. I hope it is just temporary. And, I'll try to pray for others tonight. There are so many hurting people in my world. It'd be nice for things to get better for them.

Get back home

Finally, I'm finding a way to get back home. "Once there was a way, to get back home. Sleep little darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby. Boy you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight for a long time. Boy you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight for a long time. Oh yeah, all right, are you gonna be in my dreams tonight? " Please excuse that little musical interlude!

I'm finally finding the things that make me happy, again. After PJ shattered my dream of he and I making a life together, everything seemed so bleak to me. All the color drained from my world. My step lost it's bounce and hope was no where to be found. I tried so hard to find the laughter but it wasn't there. Luckily, I had the holidays to sustain me. And, they did. I find it interesting how God allows such pain to enter into my life during my favorite time of the year. Some may say it is unfortunate. But I think it has all the signs of His influence. The beauty of that season can make everything seem shiny and new. So, even though my world was bleak, I couldn't wallow in the sadness that overwhelmed my spirit. When you walk through a store and folks wish you a happy holiday (aka Merry Christmas with politically correct overtones), well then how can you be sad? All you can do is find joy in a season where people are just a little more kind and considerate toward each other. It's Christ's influence, even if it is just short lived.

When BFE showed up after new years, the celebration continued. To have five days of normalcy, where I felt comforted every day and night... even if we were just sitting doing nothing. That helped ease the transition back to the real world of let down. And, folks have definitely let me down since I've been back - some of my closest friends. But, I've learned that friends come and go. They morph from close and caring to distant. I have to learn to not cling to such things and try to keep what we have. So, I've chosen to let them go. And, it doesn't hurt as much as I imagined.

I'm forging ahead with new relationships. I will enter them cautiously. But, I have faith that I will find some true relationships with folks that, at least for a period of time, won't let me down. It's is funny, PJ texted me the other day saying "his father once told him that people will never fail to let you down. And his father was right." I texted back, "I have never let you down. At least I don't think I have." And, he responded, "No you haven't." I like to try and be a person that doesn't let others down. I can't always live up to that ideal, but I can try. And, like BFE, I'm sure I'll find others who try as well.

For today, I'll be happy with looking toward new friendships, even if they don't turn out to be as loyal and emotionally satisfying as I hope. Last night, I spent an evening with a couple of younger "new friends". Their good natural, high spirits and exuberance for life breathed new breath into me. I know it is because they are starting their lives and are full of hope that after hanging out with them, makes me feel like anything is possible. But, that seems to be the secret. To have such happiness and hope combined with the wisdom that I've obtained... well that is pure providence!

One sentence describes it all

What I want, I can't have.

Inane Yet Human

The intellect you gave
So I could care for my own
Serves me but hurts me

How can it be so?

And the compassion a gift
Loyal and caring friend
But the pain runs deep
The desire doesn’t end

Why would you do this to me?

Create me in such a way
My heart can’t be full
Disappointments, loss of Love
Hope and Faith, too.

When the well runs dry
I find none to fill
Barely able to walk alone
And I should do your will?

What do you want from me?

Because try as I may
I can’t give as you’d like
When the shadow is cast over me

So, let the desire for you
Overwhelm the other
Remove sadness and pain
So I can sever you better

Please….always please.
Amen

Party

An old friend of mine is scheduled to leave for a tour of duty overseas. Her house is a long drive through crappy traffic/roads, so I don't see her often. We keep in touch, as I do with most of my friends, through the internet. Our lives used to be a bit more similar and we kept in better touch...but not so much any more. But because there is an outside chance she won't come back, I wanted to go to her farewell party. Plus, I hadn't seen her in awhile and thought it would be nice to catch up.

The reason our lives are different is she got married. And, like most people, she exhibited the usual "disappearing act" that most newly marrieds do. She is also a mom and it is understandable that her time isn't always her own. I don't fault her for not being in touch. It is just a fact.

The party was nice but full of all marrieds. There were two nice guys that were there without their wives and two nice ladies without their husbands, so I had a total of four people to talk to. It is so interesting how marrieds tend to keep to themselves or with other marrieds when their spouses are present. They only venture out when they have to (i.e. spouse not present), almost as if they are terrified to step away and talk to other people.

Other than hugging my friend, wishing her well and seeing her daughter, I had a blah time. Actually considering the drive, the whole evening was a wash. I'd have rather stayed home and continued with the cleaning frenzy I had started this morning. I don't regret going, as I needed to properly say good luck and stay safe. But in the future, please talk me out of going to another party thrown by a married, they just aren't worth my time!

Top 10 ways I know Roomie is Here!

10. I can stay up all night talking and never feel sleepy.
9. The wine just seems to taste better
8. I’m inspired to cook all the best dishes
7. Cleaning up is not a chore
6. I experience pure bliss by just sipping coffee while sitting on the couch
5. I’m not jealous when Mitsi ignores me and snuggles with someone else
4. It only takes a few words and I know I’m understood.
3. I don’t feel the need to rip my ears from my head when I hear country music.
2. I can talk as much as I want while knowing someone will talk more than I do.

1. While I don’t seek normalcy, for a few brief few hours, I feel like I’ve achieved it.