Adrift

The porpoise met the captain
A long time ago
Discovering a porpoise heart
The shell was just for show.
Playing closely here and there
Happiness abound
Leaping, skipping through the waves
Laughter is the sound.

Swiftly swimming out to sea
The porpoise sang, “Come with me.”
The captain wore the captain shell
He stayed put; He wore it well.

A season quickly passes by.
It didn’t seem so long
The captain finds the porpoise.
And, both are swimming strong
Beautiful brief moments
Concealed. Aloof eyes
In a blink, it was gone
The captain took his rise

The porpoise barely whispered, “Stay
It’s pretty here, you know this cay.”
The captain wore the captain shell
Off he went; He wore it well.

This season brought the stormy weather
The captain’s ship is sunk
Swims to port, nurses wounds
And ends up in a funk
The porpoise lifeless in a net
The Fishermen cut her free
Learned to swim and sing again
By the mermaids three

An interlude. A gorgeous dance
The porpoise beams, “take a chance”
The captain tore that captain shell
He let go, amongst the swell.

Playing, laughing in the waves
Sunny skies ahead
Together soaring through the air
As if they never bled
The Captain yearns for a ship
Out on the sea alone
Confusion, regret, rejection.
The greatest sadness known

Tears flood the porpoise eyes
“Please don’t” is all she cries
The captain wore the captain shell
He sailed on. He wore it well.

Saddness overcomes me

I’ve been so sad lately – actually heart broken probably defined as depressed. It’s a different kind of heartache then I’ve had before. It’s the realization that the love of my life will never really be mine. It has created such sadness in my soul. I try to remember that God loves me, I’m special, blah, blah, blah and all that jazz. But, I only feel sadness, loneliness and absolute emptiness inside.

I had a biopsy the beginning of the month. I really didn’t care what the outcome was. That was when I realized how utterly despondent I was. I know I need to be here for my Boo…she is such a mama’s girl. But, I truly don’t care if it is my time to leave this pathetic sea of selfishness and greed. I was hoping it really was the answer to my prayer that if I’m meant to be this lonely for the rest of my life to please shorten my life. But, the result was negative and all is well with my body. It’s just my proverbial heart that is useless.

It makes it hard for me to do much of anything. I have no interest in work, no interest in talking to anyone, very little interest in writing. Some music and sports are the only things that give me refuge from the pain I’m feeling.

I went to visit PJ this past weekend. I was hoping for some closure. I was hoping to find that he irritated me or that we really weren’t in love. But that wasn’t the case. He loves me. But the bastard won’t act on it. He even is starting to understand why he won’t act.
But I know that realization won’t change the outcome.

I know he has to follow the path that he was on before he allowed his feelings for me to derail him (as short as that was). I even believe there is a shot that once he accomplishes that, he’ll be ready. The problem is, despite how much I love him, despite knowing I’ll only ever love him like that, I know I can’t wait five years for him to be ready. I could wait if he gave me some sort of reassurance that he eventually wants to be with me. But he refuses to give me that because he “doesn’t want to let me down like every other guy in my life has.”

The sad part is by refusing to try, to make some sort of commitment, he has let me down. He has let me down in the worst way because we are in love and he can’t bring himself to trust and rely on that love. He doesn’t trust me and he doesn’t trust himself. He has chosen the path of least resistance.

I remember feeling like I was the luckiest person on earth when I found out he has loved me as long as I have loved him. I remember thinking that every thing I had gone through was worth it. I remember thinking that I would spend the second half of my life happier than most my age, as they had settled and would be just wasting the time away.

Now, all I can feel is how horribly sad it is that he must fulfill his obligations in a ridiculous manner that excludes him from relying on his love. He has chosen this because he thinks it is the noble way. But in the meantime, he has crushed my heart. How can you hurt someone who loves you like that? I know he will eventually loose me again. Because as much as I’d like to hold onto my hope and my love for him, I’m not sure I can. How bleak that makes my world and that is why I’m so sad.

Hallmark Holiday

I'm not a big fan of VD - that would be Valentine's Day... it does makes me think of the other unpleasant acronym for VD! But, I wrote a poem and modified another for my two very close friends to let them know I was thinking of them....

For JR, I modified Frances Shaw's poem:
You shall see the moon tonight
From a distant mountain height;
From my City I will see
The same moon that shines on me.

’Tis not of the firmament
On a solar journey bent;
Fixed it is through time and weather;
—’Tis a thought we hold together.

And for BP:

My friend,

When my heart was deflated, you pumped it.
When I couldn’t walk, you wouldn’t let me sit
Lost in the forest, you helped see me through
When my world was broken, you were the glue

I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done
Throughout it all, you made life fun.
I can’t repay this debt I owe to you
If I could, I would. Please know it’s true

You held my hand when no one else could
You watched over me when no one would
You lent me an ear, so I could be heard
And encouraged me with your kind words

I can never thank you for all you’ve done
Throughout it all, you made life fun.
I can’t repay this debt I owe to you
If I could, I would. Please know it’s true

The times were rough and nights were long
But in the mornings you brought me song
Various stories I’d read each and every day
Bringing me comfort, come what may.

I can never thank you for all you’ve done
Throughout it all, you made life fun.
I can’t repay this debt I owe to you
If I could, I would. Please know it’s true

As the mountain flattened to hilly land
You stood by me and held my hand.
Even when this journey comes to an end,
Please grant me the honor of calling you my friend.

Life's storms

The snow storms we’ve gotten this winter kind of remind me of the storms of my life. When the first one came, I was not prepared. I went out to clear away the snow just to discover that my snow blower wasn’t working. I shoveled the “first round” that storm by myself. I had the kids help with the ones after and then our neighbor came to the rescue and finished the job (with his bob cat). Then next few storms were small and while they required a bit of work, I was able to handle them on my own.

I was sick when the first storm of February came. I didn’t have the energy to deal with the storm. I slept late and then went out. My lungs were burning as I shoveled. I did only what was necessary to bail myself out. I figured the kids could dig out their cars on their own. And they did. I think our neighbor came by and cleared out what they missed since there wasn’t any snow to be dealt with when I got home from work.

I wasn’t worried about the big storm that was about to come. But, I decided I should prepare to fix the snow blower. I brought home all the supplies I would need. The storm arrived Friday night. And, I wasn’t certain of my ability to fix the snow blower, so I went out late Friday night and did a first shovel. The snow was heavier and harder to clear out. I took ibuprofen before I went to bed to try and ward off the muscle aches. I slept late then next morning and was surprised I wasn’t achy. It must have been the earlier storms that had gotten my muscles into shape.

When I looked outside, I saw we had well over a foot of snow. I set about to fixing the snow blower. It took about an hour but I managed to fix it. I was thankful for the instructions my friends had provided. I even prayed and asked Him for help. And, finally the snow blower started. It was still hard work to clear out the snow from the sidewalks and driveway. I ended up with bruises on my legs from running into the blower. But, it was a lot easier than doing it by hand. I was careful not to throw my snow onto my one neighbor Gary’s drive way. I cleared out as much as I could for the girls and also cleared out my other neighbor. The teenage boy showed up to visit his gf, creating a bigger mess. But the next day, Gary came by to help clean up all that was left and created a path down our road, as well. During the big storm, I managed to have a good time. I baked, I cooked, I took pictures and I played in the snow.

It’s funny how these incidents seem to coincide with the battles of my life – the last one in particular. It was the big storm in my life that caused me to not rely on just my self. I turned to and received outside help from my friends, my neighbors and God. I had been strengthened and able to deal with it. Even when the kids made a bigger mess, there was still help that came along to clean up the mess. In working through my issues, I made sure I didn’t create a mess for others. I also worked to help others out, where I could. And, I tried to make the best of the situation and enjoy myself.

Three days later, we are expecting another big storm – so lovingly nicknamed Sno-verkill. The first storm is barely cleared up. The bruises aren’t healed. And here comes another storm to dump on me. And, the forecast says yet another is to follow. And that is how my life feels right now – storm after storm with no time to heal. And, while I’m trying to enjoy the silver lining and rejoice in my victories, all I can see are the storms to come. All the time wondering when will they stop? When will the bruises heal? When will the mess finally be cleared away and the sun shine down on me?

As for the local weather, I know spring will come. I know it will be absolutely fabulous this year. I am actually predicting an early one. I just wish I had as much faith in my life that spring will come early…heck, I wonder if one will ever come.

Snow-a-thon

We got hit with a winter storm that lasted a little over 24 hours and dumped about 30" of snow on us. It was pretty cool. I love the snow. So today I went outside and built me a snow man, but the snow crocodile (pictured here) ate him. The bastard!

I'm trying to figure out what the snow is supposed to be telling me. You see, I love the snow. And, all through out my life, the snow has been sent to comfort me.

It first started when I was 17 and traumatized by something most 17 year olds shouldn't have to go through. I remember looking out the picture window in my living room as the snow came down...the flakes literally danced as they fell to the ground. It was beautiful. A sense of peace came over me, as if God had wrapped me in his arms and told me everything was going to be alright. And, with time, everything was.

Then when the sneaky, lying ex left, again I was devastated, dealing with a blow that no one ever deserves. Right before Christmas, a holiday I didn't have the heart to celebrate, there was snow- which is pretty rare for this area. And, the snow comforted me again, yet in a different way. There was hope in that snowfall. I don't know how to describe it. Just there was hope.

Each time in my life when things seem bad, the snow comes for me. This winter, there has been storm after storm, almost always on the weekend. Since PJ told me he doesn't want to have a life with me, one that I desire, any way, I've been heart broken. I've been more than heart broken I've lost hope and faith. I've lost hope that I'll ever be happy again. Not just content, but truly happy in finding someone who can love me the way I love them. Someone who finds complete joy in being in my company. Someone who is smart, but loves to joke around, who I am completely and utterly attracted to. I don't believe he exists. I truly believe that PJ was it, my last hope of finding someone that I could love and trust. Because, i don't think I have the capacity to trust someone new- to believe in someone with that same innocence that I once had, that I still had for PJ. No, I've completely lost hope that there is someone out there for me.

And, with that loss of hope went my faith. It is so fragile right now. I try to understand that God wants us to praise Him with no hope of anything in return. That he wants us to do His work while we are here. And, I try to do these things. I try to be a good neighbor. But, I can't do what He expects of me any more, not with a glad heart. Because my heart is not glad. It can't be glad with all the pain that I have in it. I do want to believe in Him - to believe He really exists and will one day give me the desires of my heart. But I really don't feel it much any more. It is as if I am going through the motions. I do find joy in helping other people...so today, I shovelled out a parking place and a path for my one neighbor and made the other neighbors favorite pie. I did the Christian things not because they are Christian but because they are just the right thing to do. Whether there is a God or not, we should take care of our fellow humans. I know that in my heart.

So while I have neither faith nor hope, I still have love. It is the greatest of these three. So maybe that is why God sent me my snow. Unfortunately, I didn't feel as though He wrapped me in his arms and held me like I did when I was 17. Nor did I feel the hope he sent me five years ago when my world had been shattered. No, this snow didn't bring either. It brought me the opportunity to act independently and fix a snow blower that didn't want to be fixed. It brought me the opportunity to show love and kindness to my neighbors. And, it brought me the time and (enough) snow to make sculptures in the snow.

I just wish I knew why. Why did He send me the snow this time?

sTill sick

I'm still sick today. My chest was burning this morning but is a bit better now. I feel better about the friend thing. I do believe that my friend won't ever change, so I have to figure out what to do about it. How close of a friend I want to be, etc.

I'm doping myself up and contemplating a shower. I have some social commitments that I am thinking of trying to make today. It's my bf's birthday and she is planning on heading up here to go out with some friends. I can't let her down. Plus a meeting with friends from church. I really feel bad if I were to get anyone sick. Hopefully I'm not contagious.

Big snow is coming soon! Hooray for me! Wish BFE was here to make breakfast while I shovel! Gosh I miss her. I miss all the silly little things. Wonder if I'll ever fall in love with a man like I loved her. Too bad we weren't gay. We'd have been together forever.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!!!

Self absorbed

I have a friend who I think is a bit self absorbed. it always seems to have to be about what is going on in their world. Very rarely do they take interest in my life. I try not to complain or make things all about me, but feel like there are times when I want a little bit of attention. I want a litttle bit of it to be about me. I had a biopsy this week. The only friends who know are people who asked me about it. My friend doesn't know. I told him a couple of times I had a doctor's appointment but he never asked why. He actually forgot about it and was mad because I didn't mention lunch to him that day.

It is funny how normally it doesn't bother me. But when I really needed to have a little bit of attention given to me and my needs, I didn't get it. So now I'm pretty sad over the whole thing. And, it is making me reevaluate all my friendships. It seems like most are a bit one sided. My counsellor once told me that it would be so wonderful for me to find someone who was as giving as I was. BFE is like that. But really, other than her, i haven't found many others who really seem to care about other people. I wonder why I surround myself with people like that.

Well, I'm going home sick. I really shouldn't have gone to work today. But, maybe, as I lie in bed trying to get rid of this sickness, I'll take some time to understand why I don't find friends who are more concerned with my well being. Probably because they are all like me, consumed with other people's problems...people who don't take the time to care back!