So any way here’s how it goes. PB texts me morning of our date asking if we were still on and if I had planned something for us to do. I was a bit put out by it, thinking it was a hell of a lot of pressure to be put on me, asking me to figure out things last minute. I debate just telling him I don’t feel like hanging out…really because I didn’t feel like coming up with something for a date. I mean, I’m the chick already. One of the few advantages I have in life is the guy has to ask me out and pick out the entertainment…at least in the short term beginning of the relationship (probably until you sleep with them – ha!). There are few other advantages to being a chick in this world and I want to keep every one I have!
So in conversations with my girls, I came up with the idea to tell him I thought we were just going to do what he had planned for last week. I knew full well he was on my side of town last week meeting up with a friend and that is why he had wanted to hang out over here. I figured he’d balk at the idea and have to come up with something of his own. Instead, he just texted back, “perfect!”. Oh..well at least I could go home, change and be on my side of town after the date.
He ended up picking me up at my house. One of “my girls” was there when he got there. Weird thing is, he never asked about her. I kinda like that he doesn’t pry. It seems a little unnatural, but I like it never the less. We drove to the historic part of town and parked. We walked down the street to a restaurant that I had chosen, in part to what he said he wanted to eat and in part because they had ½ off bottles of wine with dinner.
We had a really nice time at dinner. He likes wine as much as I do and seems to know a bit about it. He talked about a wine bar/restaurant that I had heard about before, from other people as being a great place to go. I’m not sure what else we talked about but we seemed to pass away about 3 hours. Yeah, 3 hours. He picked up the tab telling me I could get the next one. We’ll see if he meant it, but I’m pretty sure he did. Back at my place, he walked me to the door. I let him kiss me goodnight. He kisses really well and found that spot on my neck (just with his hand)…that was a bit unnerving. Most guys don’t find that spot so quickly, if ever. Not sure he knew it’s affect on me. But, I definitely got chills from it.
I made sure I had a good talking with myself afterwards…reminding myself that was purely physical. And, in general, he is still a bit annoying. That is, he is annoying to make plans with. Once the plans are finalized, we seem to have a really nice time. But still, there are things that make it not right for me. Plus, I just don’t trust his intentions.
He asked me out for Friday. I have tentative plans and he told me if they fell through, to let him know. I’m debating if I want to go out with him on Friday. Of course, he didn’t offer up anything, either.
I feel like I’m not really ready to date again. I am so madly in love with PJ and no one ever seems to measure up. My friend told me it was ludicrous to compare other guys to someone who broke my heart. But maybe that is the problem. He did break my heart and because of it, anyone who isn’t all he was won't be capable of being able to get a glimpse of my heart. It’s like it’s not there for the taking any more.
I read the words of a song that I really like. It’s musical composition is so pretty. I hadn’t really read the words too closely and they may have been written for a different reason. But, they describe me right now…
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape im in
My hands they shake my head it spinsA
h Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
PB follow up
I know I've been lame about the follow-up to the date with PB, but then again, so was the date...lame. It's not that PB isn't a half way decent guy who is somewhat interesting. There is just something that isn't "great" about the whole dating him. We walked around a local outdoor mall area where we met up. He told me about some running injury he sustained and the possible doctor's diagnosis. We joked around a bit. We stopped to get coffee (at his suggestion) and then he didn't pay for it. A lousy $2 coffee. just seemed lame to me that he didn't bother to pay for it. He did open and hold the door for me...so he has some culture. And, maybe it is just the age, but it just seemed cheap to me. We split dinner as well. After wards, he walked me to my car and kissed me good bye. No groping or tongue, just a nice sweet kiss, but nothing exciting.
He had told me he had friends in from out of town so he'd be busy on the weekend. But then he called me Saturday morning to let me know he was close by and could swing by and meet up for breakfast. It was early (like 8 a.m.) and I didn't bother to answer my phone because I was still in bed. And, even if I had, I wouldn't have wanted to meet him....drag my butt out of bed on my one day a week I can sleep in, just to pay for my own breakfast (which I don't normally eat). Nah. I'm just not that into him.
Then, on Tuesday evening he texted me to see if I wanted to get together "Wednesday" for a glass of wine because again, he'd be in the area. I texted back "tomorrow?", as in very short notice! And, told him I already had plans with my gf. He asked for later in the evening and again I was thinking... really...you want me to rush through my dinner and social engagement just to have one glass of wine with you that I probably have to pay for. Again, I don't find your company all that stimulating.
So as it turns out, on Thurs or Friday, he asked me to hang out this Wednesday. I'm not sure why I said yes. I guess I've come to realize he isn't all that interesting to me and doesn't seem to be growing on me. So this will probably be "third strike" and I'll let him know he's out.
I really hate dating.
He had told me he had friends in from out of town so he'd be busy on the weekend. But then he called me Saturday morning to let me know he was close by and could swing by and meet up for breakfast. It was early (like 8 a.m.) and I didn't bother to answer my phone because I was still in bed. And, even if I had, I wouldn't have wanted to meet him....drag my butt out of bed on my one day a week I can sleep in, just to pay for my own breakfast (which I don't normally eat). Nah. I'm just not that into him.
Then, on Tuesday evening he texted me to see if I wanted to get together "Wednesday" for a glass of wine because again, he'd be in the area. I texted back "tomorrow?", as in very short notice! And, told him I already had plans with my gf. He asked for later in the evening and again I was thinking... really...you want me to rush through my dinner and social engagement just to have one glass of wine with you that I probably have to pay for. Again, I don't find your company all that stimulating.
So as it turns out, on Thurs or Friday, he asked me to hang out this Wednesday. I'm not sure why I said yes. I guess I've come to realize he isn't all that interesting to me and doesn't seem to be growing on me. So this will probably be "third strike" and I'll let him know he's out.
I really hate dating.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Dragons
This past weekend I watched the new Sherlock Holmes movie for the first time. It was too complicated so my Boo didn’t watch the whole thing, but I thought it was relatively good. I appreciated the gratuitous naked upper body fighting scene (not sure how it added to the plot but we’ll take it) with Robert Downy Jr. I would have liked it better if it were Jude Law. He is so much yummier (yummier is a word!).
The next day, Boo took me to see “How to Train your Dragon.” I liked this movie much, much better and not because it was in IMAX 3D. The 3D was okay. Again, I come to the conclusion that I am not a normal grown up and this is why I liked a “kid’s” movie better.
As I thought about it, I realized I liked the escape from reality that this movie provided. The fantasy was not contained in dragons that were “pests” - that coincides with my reality (you should meet some of my colleagues). And, it wasn’t because the black Toothless was so absolutely adorable, yet had an attitude (remind you of any poodles I know?). No, the fantasy part is the movie’s conclusion that truth and good triumphs over evil. I so rarely see that happening in the “real world”. I’d like to believe it is true. I’d really like to see good things happen to good people and karma take care of those who deserve to trip over their own shoelaces. I wish it was true but I only see such things in kid’s movies. And, that is part of the reason I love them.
I also love them because I can identify with the characters. I’m sure they are written with kids in mind. And, the kids should be the ones who identify. But Hiccup, that’s his name and as it implies, is completely different and out of place in his environment. Everyone sees him as an oddity. In the scene that best sums up his place in his world, his mentor tells him, “all you have to change is…’that’.” Hiccup replies, “But you just pointed to all of me!” Hiccup does have a beautiful kind heart, though. And, I guess in the Viking world that was not normal. I can absolutely identify with this kid. But, like all good fantasies, in the end, he “gets the girl” and I don’t see that happening here (not that I want “the girl” but a nice guy would do).
Yep, I’m a sap. And, I love kid’s movies. I’m not sure what I’ll do when Boo goes away next year and isn’t available to take me to see kid’s movies. I guess I’ll just have to wait til the DVDs come out or “borrow” my friend’s kids to take me! But, to keep my sanity, I know I need to keep going to see movies that remind me, “everything we know about you guys is wrong” and one abnormal person can make a difference.
Yep, I’m a sap.
The next day, Boo took me to see “How to Train your Dragon.” I liked this movie much, much better and not because it was in IMAX 3D. The 3D was okay. Again, I come to the conclusion that I am not a normal grown up and this is why I liked a “kid’s” movie better.
As I thought about it, I realized I liked the escape from reality that this movie provided. The fantasy was not contained in dragons that were “pests” - that coincides with my reality (you should meet some of my colleagues). And, it wasn’t because the black Toothless was so absolutely adorable, yet had an attitude (remind you of any poodles I know?). No, the fantasy part is the movie’s conclusion that truth and good triumphs over evil. I so rarely see that happening in the “real world”. I’d like to believe it is true. I’d really like to see good things happen to good people and karma take care of those who deserve to trip over their own shoelaces. I wish it was true but I only see such things in kid’s movies. And, that is part of the reason I love them.
I also love them because I can identify with the characters. I’m sure they are written with kids in mind. And, the kids should be the ones who identify. But Hiccup, that’s his name and as it implies, is completely different and out of place in his environment. Everyone sees him as an oddity. In the scene that best sums up his place in his world, his mentor tells him, “all you have to change is…’that’.” Hiccup replies, “But you just pointed to all of me!” Hiccup does have a beautiful kind heart, though. And, I guess in the Viking world that was not normal. I can absolutely identify with this kid. But, like all good fantasies, in the end, he “gets the girl” and I don’t see that happening here (not that I want “the girl” but a nice guy would do).
Yep, I’m a sap. And, I love kid’s movies. I’m not sure what I’ll do when Boo goes away next year and isn’t available to take me to see kid’s movies. I guess I’ll just have to wait til the DVDs come out or “borrow” my friend’s kids to take me! But, to keep my sanity, I know I need to keep going to see movies that remind me, “everything we know about you guys is wrong” and one abnormal person can make a difference.
Yep, I’m a sap.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
the next chapter
Well, PB did end up calling. Actually he texted me Sunday night. The first text said, "what's up?" I missed it, as I was busy cooking with my friend. Later when I saw it, I told him I was busy with dinner with my friend...it was pretty late, maybe 8:45 p.m. or so. About 45 minutes later he writes, "Enjoy. I"m getting an early night. If there's a day this week when you'd be able to get to (place) after work to hang out let me know. Sweet dreams!" That was nice. I texted him the next morning because my friend didn't leave until later. I wrote him at 10 a.m. "good morning. I hope you had a nice night. I'm busy Mon and Tues, but the rest of the week is free. What works for you?" And what did I get back from him? Nada! Finally on Tuesday, I IM him to see if he got the text. He said yes and Wednesday would work better than Thursday. What was he waiting for then? Really, seriously? Any way, it took until today, me picking a time and place and telling him to meet me there to finalize it. I'm not sure why I've decided he is worth my effort. But, at this point, I figure I only answer his emails/texts and am NOT going to make much other effort to get things going. He's a grown up with a grown up job and is quite capable of making plans and figuring things out...at least he seems that way. Any way, we'll see how it goes tonight.
On the other hand, I broke down and texted PJ. Yeah, it was quite mean to start off with. One of the last times we had written, I had mentioned that we weren't texting regularly (more like sporadically) and he disagreed. So yesterday, I texted him the definitions of sporadic and regular. He responded back with some math mumbo jumbo telling me how the two are identical based on my definitions (and yes, his logic was flawed and I pointed that out). Then we wrote back a bit.
Finally I wrote, "So really, why have you been "too busy" to bother with me?"
He wrote, "it's not a question of busy. although I have been kind of busy."
I wrote back, "Yes, I know it isn't a question of busy. Therefore it is a question of why that I'd like answered."
He wrote back, "Because sometimes I just like to be by myself." I started to respond but decided to wait.
Four minutes later, I receive, "Actually *most* of the time I like to be by myself. You, however, are an exception to the general rule, but even so, sometimes I prefer to be by myself."
I responded, "Ok. That is good to know. As long as that is all and you aren't upset with me."
He wrote, "Of course not. Why would I be?"
I wrote, "You are male and even more of an enigma than most. Therefore logic plays no part in understanding you behavior or intentions."
He wrote, "No, I guess not."
I wrote, "Any way, I'm never sure when I'm bugging you, so I try to leave you be."
His last message was, "oh"
I'm not sure what to do with all this. I'll probably just bury it in the back of my skull because really there is nothing more I can do with it. He still pisses me off.
On the other hand, I broke down and texted PJ. Yeah, it was quite mean to start off with. One of the last times we had written, I had mentioned that we weren't texting regularly (more like sporadically) and he disagreed. So yesterday, I texted him the definitions of sporadic and regular. He responded back with some math mumbo jumbo telling me how the two are identical based on my definitions (and yes, his logic was flawed and I pointed that out). Then we wrote back a bit.
Finally I wrote, "So really, why have you been "too busy" to bother with me?"
He wrote, "it's not a question of busy. although I have been kind of busy."
I wrote back, "Yes, I know it isn't a question of busy. Therefore it is a question of why that I'd like answered."
He wrote back, "Because sometimes I just like to be by myself." I started to respond but decided to wait.
Four minutes later, I receive, "Actually *most* of the time I like to be by myself. You, however, are an exception to the general rule, but even so, sometimes I prefer to be by myself."
I responded, "Ok. That is good to know. As long as that is all and you aren't upset with me."
He wrote, "Of course not. Why would I be?"
I wrote, "You are male and even more of an enigma than most. Therefore logic plays no part in understanding you behavior or intentions."
He wrote, "No, I guess not."
I wrote, "Any way, I'm never sure when I'm bugging you, so I try to leave you be."
His last message was, "oh"
I'm not sure what to do with all this. I'll probably just bury it in the back of my skull because really there is nothing more I can do with it. He still pisses me off.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Ever more
So I've heard nothing from PJ since Easter and being the fairly intelligent individual that I am, I've realized that this is the way he wants it. So rather than drag this out any further, I've given up on him. I haven't bothered to text, call or email him. And, I don't plan on it. And, I've gone one step further. I decided to go ahead and spend time investigating the guys waiting to date me.
Of course, dating is as frustrating as a skunk is stinky, but I figure it can be entertaining. there is the one guy, who "picked me up" online. I belong to a photography club and he just started emailing me about photography and stuff. Then, every time he saw me online, he'd start IMing me. I actually started making myself invisible because the chats were tedious and I didn't see it going any where. Well, Tuesday late afternoon, I went visible to taunt a former boyfriend (that is an entertaining story in itself) and bing, an IM came in from Photoboy (PB). Sometimes I ignore him but this time I said hi. We chatted for a bit and he asked me to have dinner/drinks with him on Thursday. I agreed. I gave him my cell number and told him to call early in the day on Thursday to confirm the time and place. Well, come 4:30 he hadn't called, so I left work and headed home. I wasn't about to wait around to hear from him. About 10 minutes later, he called but since I was already headed home and we were supposed to meet on my work side of town, we postponed....until today.
It was a convoluted plan to start. We were meeting in area where we both had to be...me for volleyball and him to meet his friends. Neither of us knew the area well and it was a haul from both of our houses. So, when I called him to confirm, he asked me what was up. Gosh I hate a man who can't take control and plan things. I asked him if he knew the area and he said no. I told him I didn't either but knew of a Dunkin Donuts (we were planning on coffee) in the area. That did not seem to please him, so he said he'd check out some options. I had told him where I was playing vball and expected him to pick a spot nearby.
So he calls me back, as I'm fighting rush hour traffic home. He suggests a mall in the general area. I ask him how far it is from the high school I was to play volleyball. He hadn't checked. UGH! Really, are you that inconsiderate too? So when I get home, not only do I have to change and get my stuff together for the game, I also have to look up this random location and figure out how far it is from where I need to be. I was stuck in traffic for a long time, so I called to let him know I wasn't home yet but thought perhaps we wouldn't have much time to hang out. He said if the spot he picked was too far away from where i needed to be, I could just pick another spot and he'd meet me there. Sigh...so why was the Dunkin Donuts out?!
I got home, looked up a place 3 minutes from the high school and called him. He was fine with meeting me there and said he'd see me in a half hour? WTF?! I had told him I lived at least 40 minutes away....so not only can't he plan, he can't listen, either. I really wanted to bail but repeated it'd probably take me 45 minutes to get there. He said, "no worries, you get here when you get here."
Oh, did I mention he mumbles, too. I HATE absolutely positively HATE talking on the phone to start with. And, the number one reason I hate it is because I can hardly understand people on the phone. I hate when they use the stupid speaker phone or blue tooth and they get fuzzy. I just want to hang up. It's bad enough I have to be on the phone having a conversation, but then to constantly have to ask the other person "what?" UGH! My biggest pet peeve EVER!!!! Any way, I constantly had to say, "what?" to PB. I was really dreading meeting him. But figured he was probably good looking because there was no way a person who was so lame in so many other ways could operate the way he did without being good looking.
Anyway, he gets there first and texts me that he is there. Within five minutes, I pulled up and told him I was there as well. Then he called my phone so there wouldn't be this awkward looking for each other....he got a couple of points to make up for all his demerits! He actually hugged me, points for that too. Like I suspected, he was quite good looking and he smelled good. And, like I had thought, he really is a laid back guy expecting the other person to do all the work....although he was a decent conversationalist. And, he made a joke about the crumbs on the table, that I thought was funny. He kept staring at my face...I get this sometimes and it is obvious to me the guy thinks I'm pretty. It seemed that way to me, but it could have been something else. If it was that, he did a good job of somewhat concealing it.
We could only hang out for a little more than a half hour and the time flew by. He walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye (more merits). He suggested we get together again, but I won't hold my breath. I've heard those words before. Guys are so full of shit...I don't know why they just don't say "take care, bye bye". Instead of "let's do this again" when they know full well they don't have any intention of doing it again! Any way, he was cute, fairly polite and intelligent, but definitely not anything to write home about or get excited over. But, if he wants to "do something more formal" (his exact words) next time, I'll go. Maybe he'll grow on me. But more likely than not, his passive attitude and youth (not sure how old he is...definitely not the youngest I dated, but still a bit younger than me) will grow wearisome.
Any way, since I decided to let men start entertaining me, I guess I'll be entertaining you with the aggravation, amusement and graphic details of my ever so exciting dating (again) life. Well, at least until I grow bored of the men who come calling.
Until then, try not to kiss too many frogs...you might like it and end up with a household of tadpoles.
Of course, dating is as frustrating as a skunk is stinky, but I figure it can be entertaining. there is the one guy, who "picked me up" online. I belong to a photography club and he just started emailing me about photography and stuff. Then, every time he saw me online, he'd start IMing me. I actually started making myself invisible because the chats were tedious and I didn't see it going any where. Well, Tuesday late afternoon, I went visible to taunt a former boyfriend (that is an entertaining story in itself) and bing, an IM came in from Photoboy (PB). Sometimes I ignore him but this time I said hi. We chatted for a bit and he asked me to have dinner/drinks with him on Thursday. I agreed. I gave him my cell number and told him to call early in the day on Thursday to confirm the time and place. Well, come 4:30 he hadn't called, so I left work and headed home. I wasn't about to wait around to hear from him. About 10 minutes later, he called but since I was already headed home and we were supposed to meet on my work side of town, we postponed....until today.
It was a convoluted plan to start. We were meeting in area where we both had to be...me for volleyball and him to meet his friends. Neither of us knew the area well and it was a haul from both of our houses. So, when I called him to confirm, he asked me what was up. Gosh I hate a man who can't take control and plan things. I asked him if he knew the area and he said no. I told him I didn't either but knew of a Dunkin Donuts (we were planning on coffee) in the area. That did not seem to please him, so he said he'd check out some options. I had told him where I was playing vball and expected him to pick a spot nearby.
So he calls me back, as I'm fighting rush hour traffic home. He suggests a mall in the general area. I ask him how far it is from the high school I was to play volleyball. He hadn't checked. UGH! Really, are you that inconsiderate too? So when I get home, not only do I have to change and get my stuff together for the game, I also have to look up this random location and figure out how far it is from where I need to be. I was stuck in traffic for a long time, so I called to let him know I wasn't home yet but thought perhaps we wouldn't have much time to hang out. He said if the spot he picked was too far away from where i needed to be, I could just pick another spot and he'd meet me there. Sigh...so why was the Dunkin Donuts out?!
I got home, looked up a place 3 minutes from the high school and called him. He was fine with meeting me there and said he'd see me in a half hour? WTF?! I had told him I lived at least 40 minutes away....so not only can't he plan, he can't listen, either. I really wanted to bail but repeated it'd probably take me 45 minutes to get there. He said, "no worries, you get here when you get here."
Oh, did I mention he mumbles, too. I HATE absolutely positively HATE talking on the phone to start with. And, the number one reason I hate it is because I can hardly understand people on the phone. I hate when they use the stupid speaker phone or blue tooth and they get fuzzy. I just want to hang up. It's bad enough I have to be on the phone having a conversation, but then to constantly have to ask the other person "what?" UGH! My biggest pet peeve EVER!!!! Any way, I constantly had to say, "what?" to PB. I was really dreading meeting him. But figured he was probably good looking because there was no way a person who was so lame in so many other ways could operate the way he did without being good looking.
Anyway, he gets there first and texts me that he is there. Within five minutes, I pulled up and told him I was there as well. Then he called my phone so there wouldn't be this awkward looking for each other....he got a couple of points to make up for all his demerits! He actually hugged me, points for that too. Like I suspected, he was quite good looking and he smelled good. And, like I had thought, he really is a laid back guy expecting the other person to do all the work....although he was a decent conversationalist. And, he made a joke about the crumbs on the table, that I thought was funny. He kept staring at my face...I get this sometimes and it is obvious to me the guy thinks I'm pretty. It seemed that way to me, but it could have been something else. If it was that, he did a good job of somewhat concealing it.
We could only hang out for a little more than a half hour and the time flew by. He walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye (more merits). He suggested we get together again, but I won't hold my breath. I've heard those words before. Guys are so full of shit...I don't know why they just don't say "take care, bye bye". Instead of "let's do this again" when they know full well they don't have any intention of doing it again! Any way, he was cute, fairly polite and intelligent, but definitely not anything to write home about or get excited over. But, if he wants to "do something more formal" (his exact words) next time, I'll go. Maybe he'll grow on me. But more likely than not, his passive attitude and youth (not sure how old he is...definitely not the youngest I dated, but still a bit younger than me) will grow wearisome.
Any way, since I decided to let men start entertaining me, I guess I'll be entertaining you with the aggravation, amusement and graphic details of my ever so exciting dating (again) life. Well, at least until I grow bored of the men who come calling.
Until then, try not to kiss too many frogs...you might like it and end up with a household of tadpoles.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Caught Gawking
I was shopping at Target today. Yes, C2, not only did i go to the dreaded market but I also went to Target to pick up other household essentials. You may mark this day in history if it gives you joy to taunt me. ;)
Any way, while I wandered aimlessly about trying to figure out where they might have curtain rods, I came across the candle aisle. And, for some reason, my sinuses decided, that despite it was in the middle of pollen season, my nose was clear and I could smell the candles. I looked down the aisle to identify the pleasant aroma. In the aisle there was a man, about 6', 190 lbs, maybe a bit heavier and taller....but a man who looked like he knew his way around the football field and not as a quarterback or kicker. He was my age or a tad older.
When I first peered down the aisle, he had his nose deep inside a red candle. He closed it and picked up the coral colored candle next to it. He proceeded to pick up candles, open the top, sniff them, close them and put them down. He was working his way throught the redish color ones, past the orange and as he was sniffing a peach colored candle, his eye caught mine. I turned quickly and walked briskly away. I was a bit embarrassed to be caught staring.
I thought perhaps, he was embarrased to be caught sniffing candles. I wanted to go back and tell him what was going through my mind as I watched him. First thing I did was glance at his hand to see if he was married and he was. Then I thought about the date to see if there was a holiday around the corner that might merit getting a gift for his mom or wife. And, I realized that Easter was over and mother's day was at least 2 weeks away...far too soon for any man to be thinking about that. So perhaps, his wife asked him to get XYZ candle from Target while he was out. And, he forgot which one he was supposed to get, so he had to smell all the candles to try and figure out which one his wife requested. But instead, I settled on the idea that he was looking for a gift to bring home to his wife...just because. And, he was smelling all the candles to find one that he liked and thought she'd like too. I know, kinda silly of an idea. But, I like to think good things about people.
I would have liked him to know that I thought he was one of the good guys in the world (not to be confused with the idiots I tend to get involved with!). I wanted him to know I wasn't staring at him because I thought he was weird but because I thought he was sweet. But, I'm too shy and pretty much terrified of strangers. So I kept walking, hoping to find the curtain rods before I came across that same guy in the card or candy aisle.
The whole incident, which couldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes, makes me think I'm far stranger than I've ever realized. There is only one other person I know who likes to people watch and make up stories about them in her head. But, she is one of the best people I've ever met, so I kinda like that we make up a very strange sub-category of our own. And, I guess knowing I'm in such good company, makes me feel better about my strangeness.
I wonder if that guy found the candle he was looking for. I wonder if his wife/mother/sister liked it.
Any way, while I wandered aimlessly about trying to figure out where they might have curtain rods, I came across the candle aisle. And, for some reason, my sinuses decided, that despite it was in the middle of pollen season, my nose was clear and I could smell the candles. I looked down the aisle to identify the pleasant aroma. In the aisle there was a man, about 6', 190 lbs, maybe a bit heavier and taller....but a man who looked like he knew his way around the football field and not as a quarterback or kicker. He was my age or a tad older.
When I first peered down the aisle, he had his nose deep inside a red candle. He closed it and picked up the coral colored candle next to it. He proceeded to pick up candles, open the top, sniff them, close them and put them down. He was working his way throught the redish color ones, past the orange and as he was sniffing a peach colored candle, his eye caught mine. I turned quickly and walked briskly away. I was a bit embarrassed to be caught staring.
I thought perhaps, he was embarrased to be caught sniffing candles. I wanted to go back and tell him what was going through my mind as I watched him. First thing I did was glance at his hand to see if he was married and he was. Then I thought about the date to see if there was a holiday around the corner that might merit getting a gift for his mom or wife. And, I realized that Easter was over and mother's day was at least 2 weeks away...far too soon for any man to be thinking about that. So perhaps, his wife asked him to get XYZ candle from Target while he was out. And, he forgot which one he was supposed to get, so he had to smell all the candles to try and figure out which one his wife requested. But instead, I settled on the idea that he was looking for a gift to bring home to his wife...just because. And, he was smelling all the candles to find one that he liked and thought she'd like too. I know, kinda silly of an idea. But, I like to think good things about people.
I would have liked him to know that I thought he was one of the good guys in the world (not to be confused with the idiots I tend to get involved with!). I wanted him to know I wasn't staring at him because I thought he was weird but because I thought he was sweet. But, I'm too shy and pretty much terrified of strangers. So I kept walking, hoping to find the curtain rods before I came across that same guy in the card or candy aisle.
The whole incident, which couldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes, makes me think I'm far stranger than I've ever realized. There is only one other person I know who likes to people watch and make up stories about them in her head. But, she is one of the best people I've ever met, so I kinda like that we make up a very strange sub-category of our own. And, I guess knowing I'm in such good company, makes me feel better about my strangeness.
I wonder if that guy found the candle he was looking for. I wonder if his wife/mother/sister liked it.
Monday, April 5, 2010
History repeats itself
He makes me SO angry. Of course I’m talking about PJ. Two weeks ago, I did a rash thing. The last time I had heard from him was on Tuesday. I was pretty tied up with other things, not feeling well, etc. But on Sunday, I realized it had been 5 days. So I sent a text and asked how he was, noting he had been quiet. He wrote back he was reading and had been busy. I wrote back, “won’t bug you then.” But about a half hour later, I sent him an email with the story in it. It isn’t quite finished. I had wanted to edit it a bit more, but I was so annoyed with him, I just sent it. I wrote an email that said the following.
I write...that's what I do to cope. I'm not saying I write well, just that writing helps me. Some stuff is good. Some not so good. But it doesn't matter, it's what I do. Sometimes I share it with people, sometimes not. So, now that I wrote an extended story about you, I wonder if I should share it. You've been busy...not sure if that is busy as in truly busy, mind on other things that you need to take care of. Or busy in you just don't want to deal with some things, so busy becomes an activity to help with that and an excuse. I figure you know which one. And, it doesn't matter so much to me, as it means I just fade into the background...as that is quite part of my nature.
Any way, I'm not sure why I started that thought...oh that's right. With you being busy, I'm not really sure if you care to read what I wrote. But I can't help myself. I figure I'll send it. If you're too busy to read, then it will probably be changed and edited by the time you get around to it...haha. Any way, here it is. I'm not saying it's any good. It's just my way of dealing. Plus...you wrote half of it...I'm pretty sure that part is lousy. hahahaha...I so crack myself up.
g. night. Kiss fluffy from me.
The next day (evening) he emailed back:
Good grief, am I really that weird? I suppose I am... That is quite a bit of writing--there's no way I wrote half--a quarter, maybe! You do write well, though. I would ask that you refrain from posting my email on your website (not that you would)!
So now I feel terrible, mean, and selfish all over again...
I wrote back:
Why would you ask if you are that weird? I can't imagine that I portrayed you like that. And, of course, I'd never post any of that on the website. I guess I do bleed on the pages there occasionally but most of it I try to do metaphorically.
I didn't mean to make you feel terrible, mean and selfish...that's such an odd response. All over again? I guess you felt bad when you told me on T-giving. But if selfish means you do what you want to make yourself happy, then it's not a big deal. You need to make yourself happy. I'm sorry it made you feel bad. I guess I shouldn't have sent it.
He never answered, so I ended up writing the following email to him. Yes, it is a lot of fucking words and I’m sure too long for anyone to bother reading. But once I got writing, it all came out:
I was really perplexed by your response the other day. I try so hard to understand you and what is going on in your head but I never seem to succeed. I actually thought you would like what I had written. I can be so stupid!
But now, I think I get why you feel so terrible and mean. Maybe you feel bad for being so careless with my feelings. Because as I reread what I wrote, I realized you said a great many things to make me believe that you truly loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I believed that you were honestly glad that we had found each other and knew that it was the right thing for us to spend time together. I didn’t imagine any of it – you thought it, felt it and expressed it to me. So yeah, when you decided that either the feelings weren’t real or I wasn’t worth taking a chance on, I could see you feeling terrible and mean for haven been careless by leading me on and making me think that you cared and wanted to be with me.
Selfish I don’t understand, though. Unless you have been dishonest with me about the way you feel about me (now). Because being selfish means you don’t care about me. It means you only care about yourself and satisfying your own needs and by treating me the way you have, your needs don’t include me. So somewhere along the line, you’ve deceived me (and most probably yourself).
If that assessment is wrong, and you truly do still love me, then the only selfish behavior I see is your unwillingness to explore what you are thinking and feeling and sharing this with me. When you decided you didn’t want to go to MA but to NY, instead of sharing this with me, you decided all on your own to change everything. If you had said I really don’t see myself moving to MA because I want to go to NY, I would have said, I’m going to stay in MD then. NY is an easy commute and I can stay in MD for a couple more years while you try that on and see if you like it. But, you didn’t. You didn’t have trust in me or what you were feeling. You couldn’t even take the time to talk it out with me. You isolated yourself from me, like you have the rest of the world.
You may consider me naïve or idealistic or some other word that means I’m too child like in my thinking, but I believe if two people really love each other all else can be worked through. In our past, we put everything else first and by doing it, we lost each other. It really was a matter of priority. If we chose to put each other first, we could have worked through all the other minutiae of life. It is the same now. But, maybe that is where you’ve been selfish. You haven’t wanted to think about it, work it through and make me part of your plans. You didn’t want to worry about my issues along side of yours. That results from a lack of faith and trust in who we are and can be together.
Last trip, I brought to VT a book called Tuesdays with Morrie. I was going to see if you would read it but figured you’d find it too ridiculous to read. So, I gave it away in a book exchange. It is a bit ridiculous and simplistic but there are some important lessons to be learned from that book, if you just opened your mind to it. It really describes the importance of relationships and opening yourself to others.
I can see where you’ve been called an unfeeling or cold jerk…or whatever the phrase you once told me. Because you just take your feelings, shove them down and don’t let them see the light of day. You don’t explore them or realize that are the core of your humanity. They are one of the things that make us different than animals and what life is about. It isn’t just about amassing knowledge, having achievements or proving yourself to others. It’s about being true to your core. You won’t let yourself do it. You won’t let yourself heal from your wife kicking you out and taking your kids. It was a very unfair thing that happened to you, your parents and your daughters. It sucks! You just let yourself believe you deserved it. You had your fair share of the blame, but you took all of your blame AND ex wife’s share as well. You just “sucked it up” and acted the part that you believe a man should do. And on top of it all, you still believe the crap she told you. You never talked to anyone about it. You just decided that being the brilliant person you are, you could deal with it on your own. You shoved down all the feelings and that’s how you dealt with it. The same thing happened when you got sick, lost your job and security. You lost everything that you defined yourself as…husband, father, engineer, successful person. Then, in order to try and rebuild, you lost a person you thought you were going to marry…someone who you loved and trusted and who ultimately let you down. And, you down play it like it was no big thing. Instead you isolated yourself and hid from everyone and everything. I’m actually shocked that you bothered to reach out to me. But, in all that you didn’t learn that all that crap isn’t really who you are and who we are meant to be.
You didn’t learn a damn thing from it. You just decided not to trust people. Yeah sure, people will let you down. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there worth giving a chance, that there aren’t people out there who will be there for you no matter what.
You are a great Dad and your girls adore you (at least I know Z does). You never lost them. They will always be yours and always love you. They may be mean to you during the turbulent hormonal teen years, but that doesn’t change how they feel. While you lost being with them daily, you never lost that bond. You need to realize that. It is one of the things that define the core of who you are. And, as long as you don’t seriously screw up, they will always have that relationship with you. So stop thinking you lost that. Get over the pride issues that make you think you have to do X, Y or Z to be their dad. All you need to do is love them and do your best for them.
The path you are on is the path you set up before we became reacquainted. It is a path you chose when you were shut down from the world and all around you. A path that lets you feel better about your chosen career and allows you to make money to compete with ex-wife. A path that lets you prove to her you are as good a parent as she is….which is crap because parenting isn’t about money. Seems from talking to Z, that ex-wife doesn’t do a lick of parenting and it is her husband who takes care of all the mom things. So, just by talking and spending time with your daughters you are already a better parent than she is. So if that isn’t the reason you need to go to NY, then sure, you want satisfaction from your career. I get it. But really are you going to form any relationships with anyone. Are you actually going to spend time healing yourself while you are there? You can be just as isolated in a city of people as you can in a pasture with a poodle.
It’s fine if you don’t love me like you thought you did. It’s fine if you truly want to walk away from me. I’ve told you before I’ve been hurt before and I heal…it’s what I do. I’m so fucking resilient that it amazes even me. But I’m starting to understand why. I don’t bury the crap inside me. I don’t let it fester and create walls. I spew it out. And, eventually I’m better. I find people who love and care for me and I let them do it. That is how life is supposed to work. I’ve met too many people (while volunteering to work with women who are in need due to one thing or another) who refuse to get over the past and move on. They don’t form future relationships due to past hurts. They even hurt the people trying to help them. It is sad. And what you are doing reminds me of them. That is even sadder to me because I remember who you were. I saw glimpses of the PJ I knew before life piled its bags on you. And it breaks my heart to see you deny that person.
I had planned to stand by you…show you that I love you and how people who care about you feel...to be there for you and continue to not let you down. In my opinion, that's what friends do. But, I can’t stand by quietly when I think you are missing the big picture. And, I’m sure this is too much for you to deal with, on top of the “figuring out” your professional life. But, it is what it is.
So now I’ve not only psycho analyzed the hell out of you, but I’m sure I said more than I should have. I’m pretty sure you won’t want to have heard half of what I said and I’m pretty sure you won’t believe it either. But with you, it’s impossible to tell. It’s possible I’m wrong on many points. Conjecture is all I have, but I know I’m right about a few things. I’m sure you’ll need time to process. I also know that sometimes people end up distancing themselves from those who show them things they don’t want to hear. I hate taking that risk with you. But, it seems like you were headed that way any way.
Just know that everything I said was born of love and good intention. Some of it is my frustration from losing what I want and thinking you are sabotaging something that is right and good (we really are good together). But I’ve given it time and I’m sure that most of it is love and good intention.
Still yours
And guess what I heard back from him….nothing, a whole lot of fucking nothing. I knew he’d need time to think about what I wrote, but still thought maybe he’d write back. Meanwhile, his daughter was in town…really the city next to mine, and wanted me to come visit her on her school trip. When I had originally spoken to her, I thought it was possible. But when the time came, I had something come up. I told her I had to have a procedure done at the doctors and couldn’t make it down there. So what does the sweet girl do but buy me a get well present.
Mind you, the bastard still hasn’t told his family what is going on with us…oh probably because he has no clue because he won’t take the fucking time to find out! Any way, after his most precious daughter returns home, she lets him know she wants to send my present. And, so, after over a week of silence the bastard calls me. He called me 5 minutes after my friend arrived at my house for a visit, so I ignored his call. I thought about not calling back, but I broke down and called him back the next day.
And what does the bastard do, just chats about a bunch of regular shit. Then, he asks me about the procedure. He fucking ignores me for about 1-2 weeks and then wants back in on my life. He wants to know what is going on with me…who the fuck does he think he is? And, no, I didn’t tell him. I just told him it was over and it was nothing. Later, after we got off the phone, I realized he hadn’t asked me anything in particular on the call. So I texted him and asked him why he called. He never calls just to chat.
His response, I was concerned about you because of the procedure and the email you sent. So, I started to text back and decided to call him. I asked him what about my email concerned him. He said he thought I was mad at him. Of course I’m fucking mad at him! He is acting like a child and hiding like a baby. I am so angry with him I want to throttle him. I told him I was mad but I had said my peace and that is usually what I do when I’m mad. I went on to tell him he needn’t be concerned about me. I said I wasn’t sure how off base my email was and he said some points were on and some weren’t. I said he is one of the more complex and difficult people to understand. He said he doesn’t understand himself. Whatever! Any way, that was the gist of it. We talked for about 15 minutes and I needed to get back to my painting. That was last Sunday.
Then, the texts started again, at least for a few days. Then not much. Yesterday he texts me at 7 p.m. “Happy Easter”. Seven fucking o’clock at night!! The whole god-damn day went by and he couldn’t be bothered to contact me to wish me a happy Easter. He knows it is special holiday for me and he waits til mostly the end of the day before he sends something. What the hell is that all about? Why even bother? I was in the middle of something so about ½ hour later I text back, “thanks happy Easter to you too.” And guess what I get next…the same shit I’ve been getting from him…nothing.
It tears my heart out to deal with this. I wish I could climb inside his being and figure out what he is feeling. I wish I could understand it. Because I still believe he loves me and we’d be right together. I just don’t understand what it is that is keeping him from me. And, I wish he’d realize it and work through it. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
So there are other guys who are interested in me. There always are (and I don’t say that in a vain way, just there are). And, while I can name 5 things wrong with each, I’m sure it’s just my pushing them away. So, instead of doing that, I’m opening myself up to the possibility of a life without PJ. I hate the feeling that all of a sudden, when it is too late, he’s going to come back and want me back in his life. And, by then, I’ll have committed to someone else. It is what happens between us because I’m impatient and he’s indecisive. I’m willing to commit. He is scared. We are apart, as always. And, I think it’s time for me to walk on without him. Maybe I’ll still want to try if he changes his mind. Maybe I’ll still be available…hell I haven’t found anyone since the lying cheating ex. But deep in my heart, I feel like this was the last time and he blew it.
I write...that's what I do to cope. I'm not saying I write well, just that writing helps me. Some stuff is good. Some not so good. But it doesn't matter, it's what I do. Sometimes I share it with people, sometimes not. So, now that I wrote an extended story about you, I wonder if I should share it. You've been busy...not sure if that is busy as in truly busy, mind on other things that you need to take care of. Or busy in you just don't want to deal with some things, so busy becomes an activity to help with that and an excuse. I figure you know which one. And, it doesn't matter so much to me, as it means I just fade into the background...as that is quite part of my nature.
Any way, I'm not sure why I started that thought...oh that's right. With you being busy, I'm not really sure if you care to read what I wrote. But I can't help myself. I figure I'll send it. If you're too busy to read, then it will probably be changed and edited by the time you get around to it...haha. Any way, here it is. I'm not saying it's any good. It's just my way of dealing. Plus...you wrote half of it...I'm pretty sure that part is lousy. hahahaha...I so crack myself up.
g. night. Kiss fluffy from me.
The next day (evening) he emailed back:
Good grief, am I really that weird? I suppose I am... That is quite a bit of writing--there's no way I wrote half--a quarter, maybe! You do write well, though. I would ask that you refrain from posting my email on your website (not that you would)!
So now I feel terrible, mean, and selfish all over again...
I wrote back:
Why would you ask if you are that weird? I can't imagine that I portrayed you like that. And, of course, I'd never post any of that on the website. I guess I do bleed on the pages there occasionally but most of it I try to do metaphorically.
I didn't mean to make you feel terrible, mean and selfish...that's such an odd response. All over again? I guess you felt bad when you told me on T-giving. But if selfish means you do what you want to make yourself happy, then it's not a big deal. You need to make yourself happy. I'm sorry it made you feel bad. I guess I shouldn't have sent it.
He never answered, so I ended up writing the following email to him. Yes, it is a lot of fucking words and I’m sure too long for anyone to bother reading. But once I got writing, it all came out:
I was really perplexed by your response the other day. I try so hard to understand you and what is going on in your head but I never seem to succeed. I actually thought you would like what I had written. I can be so stupid!
But now, I think I get why you feel so terrible and mean. Maybe you feel bad for being so careless with my feelings. Because as I reread what I wrote, I realized you said a great many things to make me believe that you truly loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I believed that you were honestly glad that we had found each other and knew that it was the right thing for us to spend time together. I didn’t imagine any of it – you thought it, felt it and expressed it to me. So yeah, when you decided that either the feelings weren’t real or I wasn’t worth taking a chance on, I could see you feeling terrible and mean for haven been careless by leading me on and making me think that you cared and wanted to be with me.
Selfish I don’t understand, though. Unless you have been dishonest with me about the way you feel about me (now). Because being selfish means you don’t care about me. It means you only care about yourself and satisfying your own needs and by treating me the way you have, your needs don’t include me. So somewhere along the line, you’ve deceived me (and most probably yourself).
If that assessment is wrong, and you truly do still love me, then the only selfish behavior I see is your unwillingness to explore what you are thinking and feeling and sharing this with me. When you decided you didn’t want to go to MA but to NY, instead of sharing this with me, you decided all on your own to change everything. If you had said I really don’t see myself moving to MA because I want to go to NY, I would have said, I’m going to stay in MD then. NY is an easy commute and I can stay in MD for a couple more years while you try that on and see if you like it. But, you didn’t. You didn’t have trust in me or what you were feeling. You couldn’t even take the time to talk it out with me. You isolated yourself from me, like you have the rest of the world.
You may consider me naïve or idealistic or some other word that means I’m too child like in my thinking, but I believe if two people really love each other all else can be worked through. In our past, we put everything else first and by doing it, we lost each other. It really was a matter of priority. If we chose to put each other first, we could have worked through all the other minutiae of life. It is the same now. But, maybe that is where you’ve been selfish. You haven’t wanted to think about it, work it through and make me part of your plans. You didn’t want to worry about my issues along side of yours. That results from a lack of faith and trust in who we are and can be together.
Last trip, I brought to VT a book called Tuesdays with Morrie. I was going to see if you would read it but figured you’d find it too ridiculous to read. So, I gave it away in a book exchange. It is a bit ridiculous and simplistic but there are some important lessons to be learned from that book, if you just opened your mind to it. It really describes the importance of relationships and opening yourself to others.
I can see where you’ve been called an unfeeling or cold jerk…or whatever the phrase you once told me. Because you just take your feelings, shove them down and don’t let them see the light of day. You don’t explore them or realize that are the core of your humanity. They are one of the things that make us different than animals and what life is about. It isn’t just about amassing knowledge, having achievements or proving yourself to others. It’s about being true to your core. You won’t let yourself do it. You won’t let yourself heal from your wife kicking you out and taking your kids. It was a very unfair thing that happened to you, your parents and your daughters. It sucks! You just let yourself believe you deserved it. You had your fair share of the blame, but you took all of your blame AND ex wife’s share as well. You just “sucked it up” and acted the part that you believe a man should do. And on top of it all, you still believe the crap she told you. You never talked to anyone about it. You just decided that being the brilliant person you are, you could deal with it on your own. You shoved down all the feelings and that’s how you dealt with it. The same thing happened when you got sick, lost your job and security. You lost everything that you defined yourself as…husband, father, engineer, successful person. Then, in order to try and rebuild, you lost a person you thought you were going to marry…someone who you loved and trusted and who ultimately let you down. And, you down play it like it was no big thing. Instead you isolated yourself and hid from everyone and everything. I’m actually shocked that you bothered to reach out to me. But, in all that you didn’t learn that all that crap isn’t really who you are and who we are meant to be.
You didn’t learn a damn thing from it. You just decided not to trust people. Yeah sure, people will let you down. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there worth giving a chance, that there aren’t people out there who will be there for you no matter what.
You are a great Dad and your girls adore you (at least I know Z does). You never lost them. They will always be yours and always love you. They may be mean to you during the turbulent hormonal teen years, but that doesn’t change how they feel. While you lost being with them daily, you never lost that bond. You need to realize that. It is one of the things that define the core of who you are. And, as long as you don’t seriously screw up, they will always have that relationship with you. So stop thinking you lost that. Get over the pride issues that make you think you have to do X, Y or Z to be their dad. All you need to do is love them and do your best for them.
The path you are on is the path you set up before we became reacquainted. It is a path you chose when you were shut down from the world and all around you. A path that lets you feel better about your chosen career and allows you to make money to compete with ex-wife. A path that lets you prove to her you are as good a parent as she is….which is crap because parenting isn’t about money. Seems from talking to Z, that ex-wife doesn’t do a lick of parenting and it is her husband who takes care of all the mom things. So, just by talking and spending time with your daughters you are already a better parent than she is. So if that isn’t the reason you need to go to NY, then sure, you want satisfaction from your career. I get it. But really are you going to form any relationships with anyone. Are you actually going to spend time healing yourself while you are there? You can be just as isolated in a city of people as you can in a pasture with a poodle.
It’s fine if you don’t love me like you thought you did. It’s fine if you truly want to walk away from me. I’ve told you before I’ve been hurt before and I heal…it’s what I do. I’m so fucking resilient that it amazes even me. But I’m starting to understand why. I don’t bury the crap inside me. I don’t let it fester and create walls. I spew it out. And, eventually I’m better. I find people who love and care for me and I let them do it. That is how life is supposed to work. I’ve met too many people (while volunteering to work with women who are in need due to one thing or another) who refuse to get over the past and move on. They don’t form future relationships due to past hurts. They even hurt the people trying to help them. It is sad. And what you are doing reminds me of them. That is even sadder to me because I remember who you were. I saw glimpses of the PJ I knew before life piled its bags on you. And it breaks my heart to see you deny that person.
I had planned to stand by you…show you that I love you and how people who care about you feel...to be there for you and continue to not let you down. In my opinion, that's what friends do. But, I can’t stand by quietly when I think you are missing the big picture. And, I’m sure this is too much for you to deal with, on top of the “figuring out” your professional life. But, it is what it is.
So now I’ve not only psycho analyzed the hell out of you, but I’m sure I said more than I should have. I’m pretty sure you won’t want to have heard half of what I said and I’m pretty sure you won’t believe it either. But with you, it’s impossible to tell. It’s possible I’m wrong on many points. Conjecture is all I have, but I know I’m right about a few things. I’m sure you’ll need time to process. I also know that sometimes people end up distancing themselves from those who show them things they don’t want to hear. I hate taking that risk with you. But, it seems like you were headed that way any way.
Just know that everything I said was born of love and good intention. Some of it is my frustration from losing what I want and thinking you are sabotaging something that is right and good (we really are good together). But I’ve given it time and I’m sure that most of it is love and good intention.
Still yours
And guess what I heard back from him….nothing, a whole lot of fucking nothing. I knew he’d need time to think about what I wrote, but still thought maybe he’d write back. Meanwhile, his daughter was in town…really the city next to mine, and wanted me to come visit her on her school trip. When I had originally spoken to her, I thought it was possible. But when the time came, I had something come up. I told her I had to have a procedure done at the doctors and couldn’t make it down there. So what does the sweet girl do but buy me a get well present.
Mind you, the bastard still hasn’t told his family what is going on with us…oh probably because he has no clue because he won’t take the fucking time to find out! Any way, after his most precious daughter returns home, she lets him know she wants to send my present. And, so, after over a week of silence the bastard calls me. He called me 5 minutes after my friend arrived at my house for a visit, so I ignored his call. I thought about not calling back, but I broke down and called him back the next day.
And what does the bastard do, just chats about a bunch of regular shit. Then, he asks me about the procedure. He fucking ignores me for about 1-2 weeks and then wants back in on my life. He wants to know what is going on with me…who the fuck does he think he is? And, no, I didn’t tell him. I just told him it was over and it was nothing. Later, after we got off the phone, I realized he hadn’t asked me anything in particular on the call. So I texted him and asked him why he called. He never calls just to chat.
His response, I was concerned about you because of the procedure and the email you sent. So, I started to text back and decided to call him. I asked him what about my email concerned him. He said he thought I was mad at him. Of course I’m fucking mad at him! He is acting like a child and hiding like a baby. I am so angry with him I want to throttle him. I told him I was mad but I had said my peace and that is usually what I do when I’m mad. I went on to tell him he needn’t be concerned about me. I said I wasn’t sure how off base my email was and he said some points were on and some weren’t. I said he is one of the more complex and difficult people to understand. He said he doesn’t understand himself. Whatever! Any way, that was the gist of it. We talked for about 15 minutes and I needed to get back to my painting. That was last Sunday.
Then, the texts started again, at least for a few days. Then not much. Yesterday he texts me at 7 p.m. “Happy Easter”. Seven fucking o’clock at night!! The whole god-damn day went by and he couldn’t be bothered to contact me to wish me a happy Easter. He knows it is special holiday for me and he waits til mostly the end of the day before he sends something. What the hell is that all about? Why even bother? I was in the middle of something so about ½ hour later I text back, “thanks happy Easter to you too.” And guess what I get next…the same shit I’ve been getting from him…nothing.
It tears my heart out to deal with this. I wish I could climb inside his being and figure out what he is feeling. I wish I could understand it. Because I still believe he loves me and we’d be right together. I just don’t understand what it is that is keeping him from me. And, I wish he’d realize it and work through it. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
So there are other guys who are interested in me. There always are (and I don’t say that in a vain way, just there are). And, while I can name 5 things wrong with each, I’m sure it’s just my pushing them away. So, instead of doing that, I’m opening myself up to the possibility of a life without PJ. I hate the feeling that all of a sudden, when it is too late, he’s going to come back and want me back in his life. And, by then, I’ll have committed to someone else. It is what happens between us because I’m impatient and he’s indecisive. I’m willing to commit. He is scared. We are apart, as always. And, I think it’s time for me to walk on without him. Maybe I’ll still want to try if he changes his mind. Maybe I’ll still be available…hell I haven’t found anyone since the lying cheating ex. But deep in my heart, I feel like this was the last time and he blew it.
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