Pathetic

I've been absolutely pathetic at writing. Perhaps it is because I've subconsciously chosen to not be too introspective. Or perhaps I just don't feel like it. Not quite sure what it is. But, I do know I've got a ton of irons in the fire right now. I went away for about a week and did nothing but spend time with my family. And, it was a wonderful time. But, that just means I fell behind in my book study, my Spanish class, my work, housework, house maintenance and had a bunch of hobby stuff (i.e. photography) added to my load. But then again, all these are excuses to the fact that I don't feel like writing.

Why is that? I ask myself. Perhaps it's because I'm in a sad situation. I am madly in love with PJ and there is nothing I can do to move that relationship forward. I know in my heart, I want to spend the rest of my life with him....wow, did I just write that? Yeah, it's true. I do. But he can't bring himself to that conclusion. He can only say he loves me and thinks one day he'll be in a position to say we can be together in the same city. WTF? I know he doesn't feel or think like I do. I've had too many life experiences that he hasn't or else I have viewed them differently.

I've had my heart smashed and watched as the dream of my future dissolved before my very eyes. I hit such a low place, I didn't even know how to survive. I had to rebuild everything that was me from the ground up. I looked at my work and realized it wasn't who I was. I had invested far too much in my career and let some things slip that I wish I never had. I try not to beat myself up for my mistakes, but I do. More so, though, I learn from them. And, decided then and there that my career would be second to all else. Because, in the short term (and I"m sure in the long term) it was my BFE that carried me when I couldn't walk. Not my stupid job. Although, at one point I thought of running away to Asia, burying myself in my work and ignoring the stabbing pain in my heart. But somehow, someone said something that made me realize that is exactly what I would be doing....running away.

So I healed. It took a few years, a few set backs, and a bucket load of tears. But I am whole. I still hate the lying, cheating ex. And, know, I haven't really forgiven him. That is something that I'll have to reconcile in my afterlife (if such a life exists...I want to believe but my faith isn't 100% there for that one. I think the big G understands, though). But my friends showed me the importance of friendship, faith and loyalty and that yes, there are some other people in this world that believe in these things.

So now, I am emotionally able to function and understand exactly what I want in a relationship. It isn't the games that PB plays. Or the infantile behavior of YM. I'm not even sure why I bother to toy with these boys. I feel like a cat playing with a mouse. I have no intention of hurting them and since neither has declared anything to me, I rationalize my behavior. But I do know, that when Joe never told me his intentions and I went along for the ride, I hurt him terribly. I didn't realize how much emotional investment he had in me and how terribly I hurt him by choosing PJ over him. He had never indicated to me that he felt anything more than friendship for me. So, I know, that I could be playing with people's emotions and it's not nice.

The horrid part is I know what I want and that PJ can be that. He hurts my feelings every once in awhile, but that is just him. He is, who he is and I know it isn't intentional or even a game. It's just his "cluelessness" when it comes to some things. And, it's okay with me. I can tell him I've been hurt, he acknowledges it was unintentional and I'm okay. As long as I know he loves me and really cares about me. And, he shows me this.

But, I know he isn't sure he can "do" the relationship thing. Because his heartbreak and loss was different than mine. He hasn't accepted or figured out how to deal with it. Well, he has dealt with it...by pushing everyone away. By deciding that everyone will let him down and that he shouldn't involve anyone else in his life because he is "broken"...not made for a relationship. He's wrong. I know he's wrong because I've been there. And, I'm sure that God wouldn't put a longing in my heart for a partner yet never provide me one. Perhaps he doesn't have this longing, but I think he does and he has just ignored it. Because I saw it surface and saw his hope when he "found me" again.

But, he is somewhere in his own world. Not really telling me what he is thinking and feeling. Not really wanting to include me. Perhaps it is fear of getting attached. Perhaps it is just his coping mechanism to fix himself before involving me. He is way too protective of me and so I think it is a bit of both.

My fear of his rejection prevents me from opening any of these subjects with him. It prevents me from pushing in any way. But, it also tears me up. I'm considering a job change. Not that I'm putting my career first but just that something has fallen into my lap and I'm considering it. The timing is too odd not to be somewhat supernatural. But, if it falls through, then it isn't meant to be. But if it doesn't, I'll be about 3000 miles away. I don't expect PJ to say, don't go. But, with that type of distance, PJ and I would have to be absolutely intentional about seeing each other and making it work. Which I have a very low expectation of. So, again, I'll be put in a position where I'll have to decide to either wait for him to get a clue or just leave him... again.

And, this makes me sad. But perhaps it is what truly is destined for me.

Any way, I don't want to think about it any more and i have soccer game that requires a partial gimp mid-fielder.

I'd like to say I'll be better at this writing thing, but more likely than not, I'll be quiet for a few more weeks.

Patience grasshopper. patience.