Sunday Fun

You are not alone

I heard this on my way into work today. Not only are the lyrics phenominal but it is a beautiful song, too! It made me think of the big G by my side... a glimmer of hope.

You are not alone,
I'm with you
I'm lonely too
What's that song,
That can't be sung by two.
A broken home,
A broken heart,
Isolated and afraid,
Open up this is a raid,
I wanna get it through to you,
You're not alone.

You're not alone,
Every night,
I stand in your place.
Every tear,
On every face,
Tastes the same.
A broken dream,
A broken heart,
Isolated and afraid,
Open up this is a raid,
I'm gonna get it through to you,

You're not alone.
An open hand,
An open heart,
There's no need to be afraid,
Open up this is a raid,
I wanna get it through to you,
You're not alone.
I wanna get it through to you,
You're not alone.
I'm gonna get it through to you,
You're not alone.

Disappointment - to hope?

I went to group last night and told all the ladies of how disappointed I feel lately. The leader, MC, summed it up by saying, "you are so overwhelmed, you can't see that light at the end of the tunnel. You just need something to cling onto."

She was so right. I cried when I told them of my fears of Boo and her life. Again, MC understood because she has 3 kids of her own. She said, "it's so much easier when it is just you. But when it is your kids, it tears you apart."

My assignment for the week was to let everyone know if Boo passed or failed the evil test. She said if Boo passed, everyone could Hallejua. If she failed, I'd need their support. We didn't have long to wait. This morning, the test results were posted. And, she passed! I cried my eyes out for about 1/2 hour. I knew I was stressed/scared, but had no idea just how much. I let everyone know.

I got back the sweetest note from my new friend, N. She wrote, "I just knew it. When you were talking last night, I just sensed that you were going to get your miracle. I’m SO happy for you and Boo!!!! Congratulations! God does surprise us when we least expect it!!! This gives everyone that hope that we seemed to be lacking last night! This has made my day that you got your miracle."

Not only did the miracle help bring back my hope but another "God thing" happened. A friend of mine told me she was glad to hear of the news. When I visited her page, there, with today’s date, she had exactly the spot I opened to in the bible yesterday during our group meeting. I had just opened it up and commented that I opened to my favorite book and chapter(Ecclesiastes 3). It didn't seem that odd to me when it happened (even though it wasn't my bible), Ecclesiastes is in the middle of the bible. But, when M was my first friend's page to visit and I saw the reference, it was as if the big G said, "I was telling you last night, I was there. And, now I'm telling you again, I am here. Be patient. There is a time for everything."

Weekend fun - hangover

So where do I start to report on my weekend. It was fun, fun, fun!

I had a great time Friday night. I went to a happy hour with my meetup (MU) group. BW (my beautiful new friend) was there. She finally breaks down and tells me about her top secret beau. For some reason they are keeping their liaison on the down low. I had been emailing/texting him during the week. He seemed to be flirting a bit. But, maybe he thought I knew and it was safe. Any way, I'm glad I know now. There were a few other friends of mine there and I had a great time. I even made a few new friends.

Saturday I went hiking with CB. It was a nice hike and a beautiful day. Interestingly, in our discussions I’ve uncovered a few things that I had wondered about. First of all, he indicated to me that he doesn’t like going to his Dad’s for Thanksgiving. His dad only lives 40 minutes from him and it would be his dad and step-siblings. I didn’t get into why, but he said he didn’t like to do it and would be glad to have an excuse not to go. This explains why he wasn’t interested in spending time with my sister. So, yeah, it wasn’t some sort of commitment issue. But yuck, it is an issue if he wouldn’t want to spend time with family.

Second, he told me that he’s felt “spread thin” this semester with class and work. It explains why he doesn’t want to spend any other time with me than on the weekend. He even mentioned that when he was done with class, that he wanted to make a commitment to himself to go to one MU a week after class is over. He also mentioned wanting to coordinate it with me. But, he went on to say, that would just be for 4 weeks and before he took another class. Again, makes me understand the behaviors that didn’t make sense, but does not help in the long term view of things.

Third, he fell asleep when I was showing him my pictures. Not once but twice. I know the hike was long and he was probably tired. But it really bugged me when it happened a second time. I love my photography and he had indicated an interest in it. I don’t think he truly is.

Finally the fourth and worst one is his complete lack of affection/physical contact. I’m not sure if he just isn’t ready to “go there” emotionally. But, I don’t like that he doesn’t hold my hand, touch me, etc. Yes, I could do it first, but I don’t always want to be the person reaching out for affection. When I met him out for drinks, he was already sitting in the booth. He didn’t get up and hug me. He did, however kiss me good bye. But again, when he showed up for the hike, there was no hugs or kisses hello. Perhaps I should have made the move, but I’m not sure it even phased him that I didn’t. After the hike, he had plenty of time back at the house, but again, no contact. He seems like there is no affection unless it were to lead to something else. Again, I could be wrong, but I don’t like this thought at all.

Any way, I’m not sure if I am looking for issues or if they are truly red flags I should be concerned about. And, the reason I mention the not being sure is the fact I think I am falling for PG. He called me Friday just to warn me of the traffic I was about to encounter. Of course, the cynic in me wonders how many other people he called as he was stuck in traffic and finding ways to cope. But still, I was excited to see his name pop up on my cell. He was unable to go on Friday (he had his son). But, I saw him on Sunday and had a great time. It was funny because I went out to see a good band with the MU group. I met another member (male) at his house for lunch and he drove me the rest of the way to the bar. PG showed up and we had a nice time talking and dancing. PG seemed a bit jealous (maybe) that my other friend was paying attention, dancing with, etc. me. But then again, I could be wrong. I definitely feel affection towards him and yet I get a sense he seems to want to keep it platonic. It’s hard to tell. And, I wonder if my interest in him is just purely the “chase” interest. Or the fact that CB seems to be lacking in some key areas and I’m second guessing that relationship.

Any way, I’m pretty tired today - perhaps I have a weekend fun hangover! I figure the best thing to do now is play ostrich and try not to think about anything for a bit.

Disappointment

I was asked what my greatest disappointment is right now....

What am I most disappointed in….myself. I’ve let the circumstances of my life shake my faith, hope and trust in God.

I don’t feel like “everything will work out for His purpose”. Thereby I can’t give my worries to Him. They constantly nag me. I worry about Boo’s future, if she’ll pass the praxis, if she’ll get into a teaching program, if she’ll find a place to live…what life will be like if any of these things won’t come to fruition. How I can survive if the responsibility isn’t lifted from my shoulders. How crushed and overwhelmed I feel about it all. And, I can’t just simply put it in His hands and believe He will be there. I don’t trust God.

My life is empty and lonely. I used to have strong Christian relationships that help and they are gone. I’ve been unable to connect with other Christians they way I had with my past friends. So, I’ve replaced them with non-Christian friends. My work gives me no pleasure. I have no idea what my purpose is and I don’t believe He’ll reveal it. The only time I come close to feeling a bit of connection to Him is in Worship and hiking. But, I don’t have any hope that this separation from God can be changed. I have no hope in Him.

I believe in right and wrong. Not necessarily because of faith or even a belief in heaven. I believe in right and wrong because deep inside me, it is there. I try to cling to the hope that is the Holy Spirit inside of me. But, I don’t know. So you see, I’m disappointed in me. Because part of me still believes there must be a God. I try to find that child like faith. But the complete lack of tangible evidence of Him working in my life or the world in general has completely shaken my belief. I want to love Him and believe in Him but right now, I’m not so sure I do.

Sunday's Pleasure

The only plans I had on Sunday was to stop over the Peruvian Gentleman's (PG) house and help him to get decorating ideas and let him buy me dinner to make up for forgetting to pay me from a happy hour we did. But, BFF called and wanted to go hiking. It was a gorgeous day and I so rarely get time with her that, more than anything else, that is what I wanted to do. I had texted PG earlier and two hours later, I hadn't heard back from him. I was starting to believe I was getting the "blow off". So I decided to head out and meet my BFF. On the way PG called and let me know that he had left his phone in his car...oopsie. I do that all the time! So I told him I had thought something came up and decided to go hiking and could we push it out until later. He said yes. So I went hiking, guilt free. We got there kinda late and I wasn't certain of the trails, so we didn't get to hike as long as I would have liked. But, we did get to chat and hike and the world always seems better when I get to be with my BFF and get to hike. Both together is Nirvana.

I called PG when I got back home and headed down to visit him. He had shrimp cocktail waiting and poured us some wine. We spent a few hours talking and then finally went for dinner. When we got back, I expolored the house with him and gave him a few decorating ideas. Then, we played ping pong. It was fun. Things I noticed about him.

He isn't pretentious.
He is quite the clutter bug.
He won't tell me his age but I figure it's about 10-15 years more than I am - even though he doesn't look it.
He has a good heart.
He likes to talk to people, think about things and experience life.
He likes to "figure people out"
He's been divorced 2x but doesn't see it as a curse. He says he has been given a chance to experience more people than someone who's been married for 30 years. I really liked the way he looked at that.
He absolutely adores his son and is a fabulous father.
He is kind and considerate of others.
He is a complete gentleman.

Actually, he is the type of man I could fall madly in love with. I'm pretty sure he isn't interested in that option. He seems only to be interested in me as a friend. And, I'm okay with that because I like to be around him. He is very interesting and quite refreshing. I can handle that kind of relationship. And, I think I'm grown up enough to handle it. If he found me as interesting, I think we could have loads of fun together.

Life's lesson

Each day a strand
Pulled from the cord
It's all unraveled.

Each hour a feather
Plucked from the chick
The down runs out

A brick at a time
The wall is built
But suddenly appears

No flag raised
Nor caveat shouted
Not even a whisper

Quiet pleasure
Until…
The trance is broken.

For PJ

I love you.

With all that I am, I love you.
Your mind, your heart, your body
I love everything that you are.
Nothing will ever change that.

You say you love me

But you can’t move off center
You can’t open your self to me
You can’t be what I need
You are stuck.

But still I love you.

I tried to help; I tried to wait
I tried to be there for you.
But you shut down
You pushed me away.

All I can do is accept your rejection.

My love is not diminished by this.
It will never subside.
No one will ever replace you.
You will always have my heart.

But now, I will walk on.

A friend is one before whom I may think aloud

I was in the ladies room today and when I saw the Oprah magazine it made me think of BFE. Kinda funny… unless you know that BFE took me to Harpo Studios with her once. Oprah’s a bitch but the studio is pretty cool. Any way, I started to feel weepy with how much I miss BFE. Of course, I am PMSing…which reminds me of the chocolate story! Oh, so you wanna hear the chocolate story? Well, I do not recall it exactly but it goes along the line of this…

One day BFE and I were talking about PMS. BFE tells me she thinks she might need to blue shed (aka kill) the next person who looks at her. She just felt mean! I told her she needed chocolate. “Chocolate?” she asks. Why of course…chocolate the cure all for all evil symptoms of PMS. I tell her where my emergency chocolate stash is and suggest she help herself. Some time later (that day perhaps or the next) she tells me how great I am for knowing of this chocolate cure. Really? How did she live for a decade past puberty and not know of the chocolate cure for PMS? But she had and now her life would forever be changed for the better, for she was now in on chick secret #27…the cocoa cure for PMS!

Our life together was a lot like that. We taught each other a great many things. Mostly we taught each other to love and trust again. You see, God sent us to each other. We met at a women’s tea at our church. We ended up seated at the same table. I liked her spunk and positive outlook on life. The event would have been a bit boring with out her.

We ended up enjoying the tea. And, until she pointed it out, I hadn’t realized she was missing a limb. I’m kinda clueless like that and felt stupid saying, “oh I hadn’t noticed it was missing.” (duh!!!) And, of course, several times when we lived together, I forgot about it, too. I think she liked my cluelessness. I’d feel bad when I’d forget…like when I signed us up for a kayaking (side note: did you know kayak is a palindrome – it’s the only way I can remember to spell it correctly) trip. She was so capable, that I would literally forget she wouldn’t be able to do it because there are some things you need two arms for. She never got mad at me for being an idiot. Plus, the kayak trip was a riot. She rode with me and she paddled just fine with one arm!

I can think of story after story of the things we did and the way we carried each other through the rough times. I sometimes worry that we didn’t appreciate our time together the way we should have. I think our favorite time was those spent “on the couch” either with a glass of wine or a mug of coffee in our hands. We spent hours in that living room. It is amazing how my house morphed from a place of painful memories of the sleazy ex to one of wonderful memories spent with her. I saw a quote today that describes what we had perfectly, “A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.” (Emerson). And with her, I could open my mind and soul. She is the one person in this world that I never felt the need to hold back from. She loved me and my daughter no matter what. There is no way I can express how much I needed and appreciated that. It means the world to me.

So as I think about our time together, I hope and pray I didn’t take it for granted. I thank God over and over again for what he gave us. He gave us a new hope. He gave us a new way of looking at the world. He gave us our lives back. So now while I cry my eyes out on how much I miss her and how much I’d give to have her back, I realize that in those two years, I lived a life time. And if I never find a life partner, I still can give praise for my amazing life because I met and shared such a special time with BFE!

pre lunch time stimulus

My friend, M&M and I were having a very intellectual email conversation just prior to leaving for lunch. I thought I’d share the conversation and countdown with you to enlighten and educate you.

Me: I like moles but find squirrels have more meat

M&M: Nuts!

Me: Squirrels like Nuts!
15 minutes

M&M: Sometimes I feel like a nut.
14 minutes

Me: Sometimes I like to feel a Nut
13 minutes

M&M: Sometimes I like to be felt like a nut.
12 minutes

Me: Sometimes I like to use my nut crackers
11 minutes

M&M: Sometimes I like to eat Nutella.
10 minutes

Me: Some times I like to feel nutella
8 minutes - I had to skip 9 because you are so slow.

M&M: You are slow like crunchy jiff.
7 minutes

Me: You do math like a garden gnome.
4 minutes

M&M: There’s no place like gnome.
Leaving now.


We are SO mature! Don't you now feel so much more intelligent (knowing your conversations are WAY more intellectual than mine!)

Dating

So while I try to get Closure with PJ and had a wonderful time with My Date, I am still online dating. In part because I met some of the guys prior to to meeting (wow I haven't given him a nickname yet...hmmmm, wonder what that means) MyDate, but in part because I'm a bit unsure of where things are headed with him. I want to have a place to fall to if it doesn't work out.

Any way, as a result, I went on a date with a man I met online earlier this week. Now this guy pursued me. He contacted me first, called me first and pushed for the date as soon as possible. I am fine with such behavior because long online "courting" is a bit boring in my opinion. but, this man was 17 years my senior. That's at least 5 years older than I stated in my profile and more than 10 years older than I am really interested. I like younger, fit men. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy closer to my Dad's age than mine. But, since he seemed nice and intersesting, I figured I'd go.

He called the day we were supposed to meet but my phone happened to be still sitting in my car. He had wanted to know what I was going to wear....who does that? Really? I mean, my girlfriends do that and perhaps he wasn't sure of the dress code at this joint, but he picked it out. Not me! Just because I had been there before didn't mean I knew such details. And, really, it was a first date of "a drink". Why would I be considering dressing up? If you are so concerned, call the place and ask....oh wait, he had called ahead of time to be sure they were open. You telling me he couldn't have asked then. Any way, I wasn't there to field the call, so I called him when I was on my way. He was on his way, too.

I got there a bit early but ended up messing with my phone/email for a bit. He sent me a text to tell me he was there and had a table in the bar. As soon as I walked in, I saw a look on his face as if he were not impressed. I was thinking...I'm 17 years younger than you, look at least 25 years younger than you, am in great shape and I'm pretty. I look like the damn pictures I posted. How dare you have that look in your eyes. Plus, you look older and fatter than your pictures. I just hoped my assessment of his reaction was a mistake. But never-the-less, strike one.

The conversation was a bit boring. He "interviewed" me rather than conversed. I didn't like it. His adventures turned out to really only be one. He hadn't done quite as much as I would have suspected from his profile. He didn't make eye contact the way most people do/should. He reminded me of one of these guys who had just gotten out of a long term relationship, who is desparate for some hot female attention so as to validate his manhood. In general, he was not all that interesting of a date. Strike two.

When the waiter came back, he jumped at the chance to leave. So, I was pretty sure my first assessment was correct. At least he paid the tab - which if I recall, I made no attempt to contribute to. (Hey, he already had two strikes and had wasted a few hours of my life.) We left and when we got to the edge of the sidewalk, he said, "nice to meet you." He didn't even ask where my vehicle was parked. As it turned out, I was right next to him. Seriously loser, you are how old and you haven't learned to walk a lady to her car? OMG! What an uncouth idiot! Strike 3! (would have been 1,2,3 if he hadn't already gotten the first two!)

I really hadn't been all that interested in this guy. I really like my cute brainiac (yeah, I think that is what I'll name him). So, in general, the whole thing wasn't all that bothersome. But still, people just amaze me at how rude they can be.

After that date, I thought it would be helpful to write a blog for men for online dating. Rules and such. Of course, the idiots who needed the advice wouldn't bother to read it, I'm sure.