Butterfly Logic

I once was told, “It’s like when the butterfly lands on your shoulder. You know it probably won’t stick around but there is no reason to not enjoy it for as long as you can.”

That’s how I feel right now. I love that I get to talk to and spend time with YBBK. Things just feel so good and right when we are together. I think about him often when we are apart (at work, our respective homes, etc.) I want to talk to him all the time. It seems weird for me to feel like that, as I rarely feel that way about people. I hold back because I want him to have all the space he needs.

I try not to think about the future. I suspect he has a ton of turbulence going on inside that he doesn’t tell me about. I try not to press. But, wish he would trust me with it. I do wish he could see inside my heart and know how much I care. I think he may have an idea. But if he truly understood, he’d know he could tell me anything. I so want his happiness.

I know I’ve opened myself up for potential hurt later. But I also know I’ve been hurt before. I’ve thought this is my “life partner,” “this is my soul mate with whom I’m meant to be;” “this is the person why no one else worked,” and each time I was wrong, devastated and completely broken. But, I healed. Each time I healed and became stronger. And if the butterfly takes flight, I’ll heal again.

So, while I have the opportunity to be this happy and have this much fun, I’m going to do it.

When he smiles

When he smiles

...His eyes light up
Illuminating the beauty within

...His face softens
And the pain of the past disappears

...My knees grow weak
And my body falls into his arms

...My heart leaps up
And it reaches out to capture his

When he smiles.

Days like today

It snowed last night.  Not enough to make it fun, but enough so the attack poodle would not venture off the deck.  I had to shovel paths through the yard so she would go to the bathroom outside and not inside.  Just an annoying snow.

Snow days like today always reminds me of Mom.  I would always worry about her being able to go outside or her caretakers or for her friend Maggie to came visit.  I never had to worry, though.  Her neighbors went to High School with me.  Sam was my year and very kindhearted.  Di was a year behind me.  Di and I cheered together and we were both such "not cheerleaders" that we bonded.  They always took care of Mom.  They would shovel her out in the snow, put down cinders for traction, come over and fix her remote control or anything she couldn't figure out.  I couldn't have asked for any better neighbors for her.  But, of course, I'd still call and make sure she was okay. 

I got an email from my Lil Sis today.  Things are going better with her.  I'm starting to believe she was just lashing out due to grief and all will be okay in the long run. 

She brought news of Mom's stuff. 

This weekend the family that was burned out of their home came and took most of the stuff in the house. Even took the freezer in basement and the cedar closet - less stuff I have to move!!


Come to find out, the girl of this family, J, is the daughter of JC. JC grew up down the street from mom and they were good friends. JC told me how mom would say they were going to Sunday school class and her and JC would take the car up to visit Dad. Who knew mom was so wild in her days. I asked Dad about JC and he remembers her and her husband MC - I got the full story and history- reminded me of talking to Grandpa . They now live down on M's point- in a log cabin on the river. (possibly where the "wilderness family" lived) They were a very nice family!!!

So, I've started crying again.  And can't stop.  It seems like it is perfect timing for Mom's death...that this family of her friend will be comfortable and able to move on.  Just like Mom.  But I'm still so overwhelmingly sad.  I miss her so much.  I hate that she suffered so much for the last year.  I don't even know part of the reason I'm crying so much.  I guess grief is like this.  You don't even understand when or why it will overtake you. 

And She Quoth...

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over

I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly

You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.

Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.

People so seldom say I love you And then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, It doesn't mean I know you'll never go, Only that I wish you didn't have to.

I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do...I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

Fixin'

I am so sad. I shouldn’t be, but I am. I know the right thing to do was to back away from the relationship with YBBK. I am almost positive he needs more healing time from his divorce and us being together was not allowing him to get that. It just makes me so sad to know that it has to be this way. I fell hard for him. I try to understand why but know it is simply because he is such an amazing person. Of course, that makes it that much more difficult to accept the situation at hand.

I was hoping the contact and the friendship would ease the pain but it doesn’t. The contact doesn’t make it harder but it doesn’t make it easier. I still want to see him every night and wake up next to him in the morning. I want to know that he feels the same way. I want us to be free from outside distractions and inner demons. I want what we had back One of the worst seasons of my life (losing mom) was made beautiful by him. I want the beauty back in the worst way. But I don’t see that as something that can happen.

So all I can do is be sad. I think this is best for him and that is what you do. You do what is best for the people you love. I have to let him do this on his own. It is the only true course.

I have to figure out how to move out of this sadness and find the content place I was before he swept me off my feet. But all I want to do is run and hide. I want to crawl into a hole and cry my eyes out for days on end. I want to go home to Roomie and have her fix me.   Roomie, as much as you miss me and need my love and understanding , I need you.  Because I really need some fixin about now.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay

about me

There are times when I'm questioned about who I am and my motives.  I posted this first over several years (2007) ago when I had heartache because I wasn't who my friend thought I should be.  I'm posting it again because it still holds true.

I've learned some things along the way, so I've added them to the end. 

Who I am:

I rarely paint my finger nails because they get ruined the first time I have to take something apart at work. I paint my toe nails during sandal season.

I chew on my cuticles whenever I get nervous, upset or bored. It’s a terrible habit I’ve had my whole life and can’t seem to break. It hurts me when people give me a hard time about it.

I rarely wear dresses or skirts…they are very impractical in my line of work and I rarely go out any where fancy enough to wear one. If I do wear one, I like to get complimented. The same goes for wearing makeup or styling my hair.

The only magazine I read regularly is Machine Design. I think it is cool.

If I can fix something by myself, I just do it. I get frustrated when I can’t figure stuff out.

I play sports and I’m very competitive when I play.

While I need to plan ahead of time so it’s in my head, I wait until the last minute to buy most holiday/birthday presents and cards. Sometimes I forget to do it.

I am ADD and it seems like I’m not listening - a lot. Sometimes I am actually listening but other times I’m not. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s just what my mind does.

I retain most facts/conversations verbatim, even when it seems like I’m not listening. This doesn’t make me think I’m smarter or better than anyone. I think I was given this ability to make up for me being ADD and forgetting to pay attention half the time.

I love to cook but don’t want to do it for people who don’t compliment me on it. Along the same lines, I need positive reinforcement and assurance that things are going well or I will assume you have a problem with me.

I have a master’s degree and know it’s a lot of hard work to get one. I don’t think people who don’t have one are stupid, just they didn’t take the time to get one. I don’t think I’m smarter then everyone because I have one. But I do have one and think some of the stuff I learned is cool.

I like to know things, how they work, how stuff has been studied. I like to have all the information about stuff because I think it is fun. I don’t like to not know stuff.

I assume other people like to know, too, so I share. I’ve learned some people would rather not know. I feel sorry for them.

I am a big hearted person who takes in strays of all kinds. I forgive very easily…some would say too easily.

I lose my temper quickly, but get over it quickly, as well. Truly, I don’t hold grudges.

I’m quick to trust. But it’s easy to lose my trust. And, if you do lose my trust, while you’ll eventually get it back, there’s a good chance you’ll never get it back 100%.

This is me…and most of it I can’t change. I don’t think I’d want to, any way.


Then there is Maybe...written by my very DEAR friend about me....

Maybe …
… you’re a good mother, encouraging Brit to be respectful, giving her freedom to become herself.
… you have friends and family that share your disappointments and want to lighten your load.
… you think there is so much in this world to see, and that you want to see it all.
… you have no idea how absolutely beautiful you are and the beauty on the inside outshines the outside
… you are sometimes like a butterfly floating above the trees, wind and dreams keeping you aloft.
… you believe snow on Christmas is beautiful and sent from heaven especially for you.
… you are creative and able to express your thoughts convincingly on paper.
… you think dogs are gifts to humans and cats are, well cats are just cats.
… you believe young children are innocent, and learn hate and suspicion from adults.
… you believe that lying on a beach, enjoying the “local scenery”, is a good thing.
… you think having a beach house would be great, but would miss the seasonal changes.
...  you believe there is a GOD, He looks out for you, and you’re on a first name basis with Him.
… you believe there is someone for everyone and they share the same romantic dreams as you.


What I've learned along the way:

I'm not a good judge of character...at first.  But since I'm cautious to let people in, I usually don't get burnt.

I love my fellow mankind and think people deserve a second chance.

I feel compassion and want to help everyone...it's part of that being bigh hearted and taking in strays (and collecting lost souls).

Sometimes even good people hurt you.  It's because they themselves are hurting.  This doesn't mean they are bad but it doesn't mean you have to accept the pain they inflict, either.

I've been told that I have a flirty way about me that is fun and attractive.  That I make the person I talk to feel like the most treasured person on the face of the planet.  But when it is directed at someone besides my significant other, it will cause jealousy.  I don't know how to change that.

I think I'm good with good intentions.  Otherwise, I'd change. 

Some say love is blind, I say it's psychotic

When we are apart, he misses me like crazy. I miss him too. It’s weird to have something happen during the day and think, OMG, YBBK would get a kick out of this. Or YBBK would completely understand. We’ve become amazing friends. It’s not just we’ve both been through a lot of similar stuff, it’s just we seem to “click” on many levels.

But when we are together, the doubts creep in. I try to understand why they creep in for him. In part, I think he’s afraid I’ll hurt him like his ex did. In part, I think he’s afraid he’ll hurt me. He is so sweet and compassionate like that. In part, I think it’s because he’s wondering about other women. But, that may be more my insecurity thinking than anything else. I think we are both crazy jealous…rightly so considering what we’ve been through.

That brings us to the dream. I dreamed I was sitting in a room with a long table. YBBK was there and some non-descript female. I wasn’t quite paying full attention to them. I’m not sure what had me distracted. I seemed to have been engrossed with something out the window. I remember it being bright and perhaps snowy. Then, I realized he was cheating on me. Right there in front of me. And, they acted like they weren’t. She asked me what was wrong. I said, “Seriously, you’re cheating.” The answer from YBBK was, “come on.” I looked at him and said, “I don’t care anymore. You cheated.” Then he asked, “What did you say?” I screamed, “You cheated.”

I woke up. It was almost time to get up. My stomach was in knots. I knew I wouldn’t fall back to sleep. But try as I may, I can’t get the dream out of my head. I’m still sick to my stomach. I wonder if all the pain from the cheating ex has come flooding back. He cheated right in front of my eyes, in my own house, while I was there. He justified his actions. Am I projecting this onto YBBK? Or just that I’m so insecure with him right now that my biggest fear crops up through my subconscious.

It’s crazy really. I absolutely adore YBBK. He is precious to me. He’s been hurt in the worst way, but yet he still manages to care for people. His ex says he lacks compassion. I have no idea where it comes from. He seems to have an overabundance of it at times. He is a good parent and a good friend. He takes care of those around him. He believes in honesty and integrity. He has such wonderful qualities that no matter what happens, I’ll always adore him.

And, it’s this that I need to remember – when the doubts creep in, when I wonder what he is thinking, when I feel like he is scared and not telling me. I need to remember how much we care about each other. All I want to do is help him. I just want to be his best friend and confident. I want to protect him. I believe, for the most part, he has similar feeling for me. I think we need to just stop worrying about the future and live for the day. The future always seems to have a way of showing up and taking care of itself.

Let me

Let me be a friend
Let me take your hand
Let me lend an ear
Let me understand

Flew way too fast
Got spun around
Then flung apart
Hit the ground

Along the way
You found my heart
You have it now
No need to part

I can be a friend
You can take my hand
I can lend my ear
I will understand

From my BFE

"Miss you more than anything or anyone I’ve ever missed."

Ditto!

One Month

Yesterday marked one month without Mom.  Dur...that must be why my heart hurt so much.  So today, I decided to honor her in my own way.

I wrote this for her for mother's day a few years back.  I do not recall how many.  But based on the patheticness of my writing, I'm guessing at least three to five.

For my mother:

You encouraged me to do well, but never pressured me.
When I was wrong, you corrected me.
When I was down, you cheered me up.

You warned me about the world, but let me make my own mistakes.
When I was young, you protected me.
When I was older, you supported my independence.

You were the person I knew I could turn to, when anything went wrong.
When I needed a shoulder to cry on, you quietly listened.
When I needed advise, you spoke with truth and wisdom.

You were the person I couldn’t wait to tell when something good happened.
When I was happy, you rejoiced with me.
When I did something good, you praised me.

You were the one who was always there for me.
You are still that person!

I hope to be as good as a mother for Brittany as you are for me.
I love you lots and lots,


This is what a friend sent to me to console me.  It's perfect for Mom because she loved her gardens and passed that love onto me.  Nothing is better than a fresh tomato off the vine or to watch and smell as the flowers bloom.  I always gave her flowers/plants for Mother's day. 

God looked around His garden
And He found an empty place.
And then He looked down upon the earth,
And saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.

He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered "Peace be thine."

It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.


And this was sent to me by my cousin.  He received it shortly after his Dad passed away.

Life is like a train ride and everyone you know is travelling with you. As the ride continues, the train stops and new people get on. When we're young, we think everyone will be with us for the whole trip. Unfortunately, the train stops further down the line and our closest travelling companions leave us. We must continue the journey but we are not alone.

I miss my Mom.  I miss having a (semi) normal Lil Sis.  I miss the world that was before Mom got sick.  But I do have hope and get comfort from that hope 

My heart hurts

My heart hurts today. Last night I got paperwork in the mail about my Mom’s will. My Lil Sis never bothered to tell me it was coming. That was so unfair of her. It kills me she is acting this way. I partially raised her and have very maternal feelings for her.

When Dad left Mom, Mom was devastated and unable to parent. I had just turned 14 and Lil Sis was 11-1/2. For the next 4 years, we took care of each other. We protected each other. But being older, I was more the protector and rule maker. I’d tell her what she was allowed to do and where she was allowed to go (especially on the three wheeler). When we were 17 and 14 (or 15), I wouldn’t let her drink alcohol. My friend asked why I was being a hypocrite (seeing as I was underage by a year and drinking at that moment). I said, “because I said so and that is all that she needs to know.” Lil Sis just acquiesced. She knew I was just looking out for her.

I tried to teach her right from wrong…at least as much as I knew of it. I prevented her from making the same mistakes I made. I convinced her to go to college when no one else could. I sent her my child support checks when I was a senior in college and she was surrounded by spoiled Long Island girls with Daddy's credit cards.  I helped her to mend her broken heart from her college boyfriend who seemed to be a perfect match for her and was only torn apart by his Chinese family not accepting an American girl.  Whatever she has ever asked of me, I did. I always took care of her.

So of course, it breaks my heart to have her reject me. It breaks my heart to see her behaving in a way that neither my Mom nor I approve. It breaks my heart because I feel like as much as she is failing me, I must have failed her along the way. It breaks my heart to know Lil Sis is hurting and I can’t comfort her. It breaks my heart that she can’t bear to see my hurt, either. And, of course, it breaks my heart that I can’t call Mom and ask her to talk to Lil Sis and help me get her back on track. I miss my Mom so much.

I guess I’ve suppressed the tears for too long because today, they just keep leaking down my cheeks. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. I want to believe that everything will be all right. Because right now, it doesn’t feel that way.

Land of the Free

I love the guys I work with. They take good care of me. We had a four hour process improvement meeting today. Twenty people, mostly engineers, four VPs, several directors from engineering, finance and marketing, and a handful of managers. I was the only female. Rarely do I notice this but today I did. Most of my boss’s staff was present. I was seated next to my favorite two co-workers of the same name. One calls me Princess. Mostly because he knows I am spoiled and often get my own way. But also because he is Italian and well, most Italian women are Princesses…at least to their dad’s. The other same name co-worker is Greek. The three of us get along great. We poke fun of each other and of another co-worker who is dumb as a box of rocks. I know, we are immature and not very nice.

Today the meeting was a bit hellish. We were allotted two breaks. During the first break, we went for coffee at the “flava” machine. I picked decaf (stomach still a bit off, you know) hazelnut. The Italian points it out and says, “OMG, that’s a chick drink.” Ahem, what do you think I am? He looks at me and says, “Well, you and Eva (another female engineer), you know, we aren’t quite sure.” I told him if he kept that up, I’d break his legs. He said, “my point exactly.”

After the first break, the Greek and I had finished our coffee. We were told the second break would be cancelled because we were running behind. The Greek said he needed more. I handed him my cup and said, “Get me some too, bitch.” He said, “What?” The Italian said, “The princess would like you to bring her back a cup too.” He did and brought back an extra fake sugar, just incase he hadn’t made it right. They do spoil me.

But they also listen to me and respect me. After the meeting another co-worker asked for my opinions and help with a project. It made me feel valued.

There is something about being a female in this ugly world. If I were born in a developing country, my brain would not be valued. Depending on where I grew up, I’d most probably have been taught to keep my mouth shut or suffer abuse. Men would treat me like a second class citizen.

But, instead, I was brought up in a country where women can be treated (not always but for the most part) like men’s equals. They are partners and yet spoiled. I can’t say that I don’t love the ambiguity that exists and how lucky I am. I try to take time to give thanks for being brought up here.

I love my country. I think our nation’s leaders make mistakes but they are human and that is expected of the human condition. But in general, this country is great. It allows me to exist in a way I couldn’t elsewhere. It is America the Beautiful. It is the land of the free and the home of the brave. I respect it and am thankful for it. I am truly blessed.

Immaturity at its best

M&M are way too immature.  Although, he does know how to lighten my spirits!

Me:
Dying of boredom in PDC room. Meeting started at 7 am, goes to 11 but will probably run late! save me!

M&M:
No worries, I will wait for you, but first, you must answer these questions three:
How was your game last night?
Did you eat anything?
What is your favorite color?

Me:
1. Great! We won all three.
2. Um, yeah. Crackers count, right?
3. Green, no yellow! Ahhhhhhh !

M&M:
NO! Crackers do not count. I think they are illiterate too. Besides, they have no fingers or toes.

You need to eat something. Do you have a picture of me? If so pull the frame from your purse and break the glass revealing my emergency powers. You will begin to feel hungry. Relax, this is natural. Proceed to the nearest snack source. If G is in your way, throw an Andy Nelson's coupon in the opposite direction. This will distract him. Once you secure said snack immediately shove it in your mouth, chew then swallow. This is called eating. DO IT NOW!

We are going to Pei Wei. Trying to get the girl to come with. You will eat and you will have fun. No if ands or butts allowed. Capito?

Did you see how I spelled "butt"? I made it like the ass version and not the conjunction. Tee hee tee hee.

ME:
You do know how to make me smile! :)
Yes, I will come to PeiWei and yes I will eat the girl...um I mean eat with the girl.
No butts..I thought you liked my butt. Did it get too fat?

M&M:
Just a smile? I was expecting a nose snort or something...
Yes, but the question remains is the girl ready to be eaten?
Your butt is practically perfect in every way. You may bring it with you.:-)
ME:
well, you did get a giggle and a snort, but I didn't want it to go to your head. But since you complimented my butt, I figure I can let you know that I giggled.

I think the girl had a whole lot of eating going on this weekend...and not the kind I wanna be doing to another girl!

M&M:
Yes, I could see that. I mean YES! I could see that. Well a boy can dream can't he? :-)

Do it anyway

I’m getting a lot of support from my girlfriends (and gay BF). I didn’t have this network when the lying cheating ex hurt me. I had let myself become isolated. I think I was on the way to that again. Maybe that is one of the things that scares me.

My friends tell me he is missing out. That he is chasing something that doesn’t exist. That I have learned but everyone must learn in their own way. They say other mean things, too. They tell me I’m beautiful and point out how other men are interested in me. Other men are always interested in me…not trying to be arrogant, but it’s true. It’s usually me who is not interested in them. Most bore me to tears with their lack of intelligence. And those who are intellectually worthy are even more boring. So, other men offer no consolation to me.

But what consoles me are my friend – that I didn’t join the stupid groups to meet men. I joined to make friends. To have a social network. To have fun and enjoy a place that despite 20 years of occupancy is still foreign to me. And, before YBBK came along, I was having fun. Of course I’d meet men. I always do. And, I’d entertain the men that were interested until I decided they weren’t worthy. Maybe hoping but never really believing. I’d keep my heart and body to myself until I was sure.  And, I was never sure. While keeping my body and heart to myself seems like a right wing conservative dictate (ooo how I just love those!), it is a way to be safe and one of the few good ideas that come from that side.

Then, I didn’t protect myself and I got hurt…badly hurt. It was fun while it lasted but like grabbing onto a fan that is whirling in high speed…the ride is great but the landing hurts like hell! Not sure I’ll be up to doing that again.

So, I’ve laid here and cried on the floor for a bit. And, my friends have come in droves to help pick me up. They will hold me up and dust me off. They will support me while my wounds heal and help me to walk again. When I am around them, I can’t help but be happy. Who can be upset when they are dancing? And, I dance with my friends!

Before PJ came along, I was happy with my life. I was willing to go it alone. But he brought so much joy and love back to me. I remembered what it was like to believe in love. I remembered what it was like to have someone care and take care of me. But his inability to commit devastated me. It took almost a year (well maybe 9 months) before I could think about dating again. But, like just like roomie, “we have the technology, we can rebuild her.”

And each time, I’m stronger than the last. I was stronger in the relationship with YBBK. I trusted. I haven’t trusted since the ex bastard (he has so many colorful names, doesn’t he?). I barely trusted PJ, even though I knew him before the ex. But I gave YBBK all my trust. That took courage that I didn’t think I had. He betrayed the trust, but I’m still okay. I’ve got some wounds. I’ve got hurt. But I proved to myself that I can open myself up, let someone look in and trust again. That’s huge. Maybe that is why the big G let this happen to me.

I think people come along beside you for a reason or a season (so rarely a lifetime). And YBBK was to help me through the torment of mom’s death (even though I didn’t show him all the pain) and to teach me to trust, even when someone hasn't “earned” my trust. Maybe that is what loving and being a Christian is about. “If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere any way.”

I’m still sad. I’m still hurt. I’m still scared. But above it all, I have hope.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Found on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children

Food Log

I'm worried about my eating problem.  Last time I kept it quiet, which was a bad idea.  So this time, I'm telling my friends.  I need help. I don't want to end up where I was before.  I’m noticing adverse biological effects from lack of calories.  So, I’ve decided to keep a log. Perhaps it will help me to figure out how to be normal again.  I think catching it early is good.  I have hope it will be fixed in a couple of days.

Friday:
Ate normal.

Saturday:
1 cup of coffee
1 glass of OJ
¾ piece of pizza (didn’t keep much down)
3 glasses of red wine (not much nutritional value here – but eased pain)
1 cracker
Frosting off a piece of cake and two bites of cake
Several glasses of water.

Still felt physically okay.


Sunday:
1 Cup of coffee –not a good idea. Very shaky and ill
2 glasses of OJ
1 piece of toast (kept most of it down)
2- 16 oz of ginger ale
16 oz water
10 – French fries (threw them up)

Had a headache by mid day. Symptoms of passing out (blackness, over heat and weird mouth feel) in evening.  Managed to sit and cool down with ice to let it pass.  Was out in the car on the ride home.


Monday:
20 oz. water – no more coffee til this is over.  Prevent dehydration
1 V8 (90 calories)
Small bowl of tomato soup. (kept ½ of it down. Stomach hurts with lots of pain).

Woke up shaky. Very dizzy in shower but not to blackness. Ringing in ears, irritable, tired. Barely able to keep down firs ½ of V8.  Let GayBF take me to lunch and force me to eat.  He kept me from vomiting at first by joking.  But then it just came up.  Stomach hurts.

Starry Night

I write this blog to record my deepest feelings. I started it because I was betrayed in the worst way by a selfish coward. I loved him deeply and never considered allowing my heart to stray while we were together. It was because of that loyalty that his affair with another woman devastated me. I couldn’t breathe for days. Literally…I went into asthma that I couldn’t control. I felt that I had been sucker punched, you know when you get hit in the solar plexus without being able to tense up and so your breathe is literally forced from your body. It takes a few moments for it to come back. But this sucker punch lasted for a week. I lost all ability to consume food. The thought of eating disgusted me. I’d try but eventually get sick. I got to the point where I was so weak, I was afraid I might need to be hospitalized. When I finally opened up to PR, I found my breath. Then, he taught me how to eat again. And, the amazing counselor told me to write. To write with the passion that burned in my soul. To allow myself to feel the emotions I was suppressing and to put them out there. To acknowledge and explore everything. Because from this I would learn and I would heal. So I wrote with great abandon. I wrote of my hatred of his betrayal. I wrote of my feelings of unworthiness. I wrote of my fear of being thrust into a world of uncertainty. I wrote of everything I felt. I sent some to friends but most of my inner and deepest thoughts I posted here on this blog. And through the love of friends, my writings and God’s grace, I was healed.

I continued to write. It provides solace to me. I can be funny, angry, hurt, happy, sad, sarcastic…I can ride my emotional roller coaster without fear of people looking at me like I am a bit crazy. I have told very few people about the blog for this very reason. Only my closest friends know of its existence. And pretty much only BFE and BFF read it. I know they know and love me and therefore understand the words that are written. And if they don’t, they ask me.

It is for this reason, I was a bit taken back when YBBK had found my blog. He didn’t know me well and I didn’t want him to see that much into me. So, I asked him not to look. Maybe it was naïve of me to believe he was trustworthy enough to not look, but despite it all, I believe that when you are in a monogamous relationship, you trust the other person. To do otherwise just destroys it. He eventually invaded my privacy and read my blog. He didn’t trust me to an answer I gave him about a past relationship. Yes, past. It was over and done with and I wanted to leave it in the past. I should have just said that to him rather than “glaze over the truth” (aka lie). But I didn’t. But, after he read it, he could have come clean. But he didn’t. So not only did he break his promise to me, he lied by not telling me what he did and he continued to conceal the truth from my by reading my blog. He told me I lacked integrity. I’m not sure but I pretty sure he lacked it too. I found out he was reading it when the thought occurred to me to lock it down and then, he finally admitted to it. I was shocked because I had trusted him. But, considering his back story and the torment he went through, I could understand. Funny, though, he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to tell him about a past relationship. Does he not know how insecure he is when it comes to other guys? It was my insecurity about his that lead me to behave in a way outside of my normal behavior pattern. I thought he understood that when he finally acknowledged that he had done the same. I guess he is a bit of a hypocrite, too.

After, I told him I trusted him enough not to read it, so I would unlock it. But he continued to read it. When I asked if he was, he said yes, but not the old stuff. WTF? Did he not recall me asking him to not read it? I didn’t ask again. I was a bit miffed and decided it needed to wait.

But the request never got a chance to come from my lips. Because before it could, he decided to end it with me. Funny, right after I jumped on a plane to go visit him. He thought it was for sex. That should have been my first clue as to how he felt about me. I thought it would be fun to be there for him. I had the time and I wanted us to be away and just reconnect again. But, I guess he didn’t see that. He didn’t realize that it was out of caring for the relationship that I wanted to be there. I guess he really didn’t care about it any more and was in it for the sex. Why else would he have thought it was my reason for coming to see him?

While I was there visiting him, he was looking online at dating sites. Who does that? With the other person in the room with you. Hello, we were in a monogamous relationship. You don’t go on line and look at other women. You don’t open your heart to other possibilities. You fucking guard your heart. When you guard your heart, you are able to talk to and be friendly to the opposite sex because your heart is being held for the person you care about. You don’t think about kissing, holding or screwing other people. You just don’t. But he did. All along I thought his possessiveness and concerns about me looking at/talking to other guys stemmed from his being cheated on. But now, it appears it was because when he was engaged with the opposite sex, he was thinking of the possibilities of dating them. And because he couldn’t be loyal, he didn’t think I could. Because he wasn’t being trustworthy, I wasn’t trustworthy either. I never once considered another man when I was with him. I don’t do that.

He has been very selfish since we broke up. He’s toyed with my heart. He knows I still have feelings for him. But, since he is feeling a bit bad himself, instead of treating me with respect, he flirts with me. You don’t do that. You can be cordial, you can be nice, but you don’t flirt. You don’t put your arms around that person and hold them. You don’t kiss them. You don’t send them flirty texts. You just don’t because they love you and want more than anything else to be back with you. He should know this because his ex-wife tormented him for months after they separated. Doesn’t he know how that made him feel? Doesn’t he realize it that he is doing the same to me, just in a different way?

And finally, after I asked him not to talk to (in front of me) a girl that he admitted to being interested in. A girl he got to know while I was away at my mom’s funeral. A girl with whom he didn’t guard his heart while he was seeing me. As far as I am concerned, that is cheating. It must be why this is hurting in such a poignant way. PJ hurt, but not like this because he never considered another woman. This hurt has stirred up all that the cowardly ex did to me. One of my friends said, this should just be a bruise to your ego, why all the pain? And, I think that is why. To be betrayed by someone who has gone through it and who is so selfish and cared so little for me, while I opened up to him, well that hurts more than I can say. I believe he went out of his way to “run into” her last night. He said he didn’t, but he knew it was killing me but he continued to talk to her for a half hour. If he hadn’t planned it, he could have ended the conversation at any point. Instead he stayed with her as long as he could. He was so selfish and unconcerned about me. All he wanted was to satisfy his need of conquest - right in front of me. Nothing could have hurt me more. It’s selfish and cruel to do that.

He could have given me a little respect. But I think that was the problem all along, I don’t think he respected me. I broke my rules with him. I’m not sure why. I normally follow them closely. I have them to protect me from guys that prey on women in this way. It weeds out selfish, untrustworthy guys. I guess I was snowed, as everyone else was. Thinking he really cared for me. It’s funny how many people said they thought he truly cares for me. How could he have fooled everyone in this way? I can understand fooling me. But fooling our friends and acquaintances – how did he do that?

Funny thing is, I don’t think of him as an awful person. Just a person who has been through hell and is acting in an awful way. But then again, I always like to think the best of people. I’m hopeful like that. It is probably the one trait that causes me the most pain. But, I won’t give it up.

Last night I met a guy who is good looking and sweet. He asked me four times to go out with him. I told him no. I can’t even consider dating right now. But, I did finally give him my number. When he calls, I’ll tell him all that I’ve been through with another guy from the group (still protecting YBBK – although he has probably already thrown me under the bus to the chickie he wants to make himself look good), why I wasn't eating and almost passed out, and my past marriages. I’ll tell him my rules…no kissing for at least three dates but he can hold my hand. No sex til I care for and trust him. I’ll tell him he has to prove himself to me before I’ll open up to him. It won’t take much to make him run for cover.  I don't want to subject him or anyone to my pain right now. 

I always hide my pain from others.  It's what I do.  I take my space.  But I will also let my good friends help me to heal.  I need them to prove to me that my type of sensitivity doesn’t have to be destroyed in this world.


Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.

But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

p.s. Vincent was insane, I am not.

Sad

Just that very sad today.  I am hoping church will lift my spirits.  I don't understand why things happen in my life.  It's time like this that I seriously question that the big G has some grand plan for each of our lives or if somehow, I'm not quite following him like I should.

Any way, I'm sad but glad I had a reason (besides the attack poodle's need to go out and bark) to get out of bed.

Little mice feet

The doubts creep in on little mice feet but go off like a gong in my head.
My Marine storms in with powerful blows and soothes me til they’re dead.

I miss my Roomie. When I would feel like this, we’d sit on the couch and talk. I’d sort out the feelings I was feeling just by talking and having her gently listen to me. Since mom died, she is probably the only person left on this planet that loves me unconditionally. I’m lucky to have her and to know the feeling that no matter how you screw up, this person will forgive and love you because they know your heart.

I think and believe Roomie agrees that I have a good heart and act with the purest of intentions. I don’t think I crave attention and go out of my way to get it from other people. I do believe I try to care for people – it is one of my gifts. I have such a compassionate heart. It hurts me to see a human or animal hurting. It hurts me as if the hurt is my own. I wonder if other people feel like that. I think it can’t be when I look at how horribly people treat each other. I think I relate well to children because they seem to have this same quality. Perhaps people grow out of the quality. I don’t want to grow out of it and become callous. But sometimes this quality hurts me immensely. It has lately. Roomie would remind me it is my choice to be like this and it is one of the things she loves about me.

I hate my body right now. I’m the heaviest I’ve been in years. I know it is a result of too much food and too little activity. I know my activity was impeded due to physical issues. But I still feel awful about it. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror for letting myself get this way. I don’t think YBBK sees me as attractive. He spoke to me about how good looking his ex was and I’m glad he couldn’t see how much it hurt me. I know it was just a “fact comment” but it still hurt, perhaps because I was already feeling vulnerable in our relationship but also because I feel so unattractive myself. But, while he tells me I’m fun and smart, he’s never told me I’m pretty. It’s silly to need this and it seems to always come up in my life. But, I need that so much. And right now, I feel ugly and undesirable. I’m working on the exercise and eating (well the eating is a mess) to do something about it and trying not to let the demon haunt me. Roomie understands how important the “pretty” thing is and always seemed to help with my esteem. I sometimes think only girls understand this.

I’m worried about Boo. I know now is a critical time for her. I so want her to make friends and be happy at school. I want her to love college the way I did. I feel helpless in that I don’t know what more I can do. I feel like I fell short in preparing her for this. I feel like a bad mom. Roomie would understand this and point out all that I did right. She would point out her own “failings” at an early age, as well as other people’s who turned out wonderful (like her) to help ease my worry. She’d tell me the big G will take care of Boo but it is okay for me to be scared and worry…that all good moms do that. She’d understand even though she isn’t a parent. She’s amazing like that.

I’d tell her how I wonder about YBBK and how scared I am he will hurt me. She’d tell me, like she’s told me before, “that’s okay Suga, if he breaks you, you can just come to me and I’ll fix you up like I fixed you up before. You just let yourself go and know I’ll be here to catch you.”

Most importantly, she’d point out that right now, I need chocolate…because that is what I taught her. This special week of the month, where our hormones go crazy and make us weepy (or crazy in her case!), chocolate is a magic elixir. It soothes the gonging in the head. It creates the feeling of well being.

Roomie always reminds me of what I should know – but with the utmost love. She speaks with kindness and the motivation to help me grow. Honesty with compassion…that’s what we value and how we roll. And, it’s why I miss her so.