I’ve had quite a busy past few days. On Thursday, I went to see a DC united game. I haven’t been to one and had a great time. I love soccer…I hate driving in DC, though. But, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I always get so much anxiety about driving down there. YBBK treated me to the game because I took him to the Rush concert the next day (which was absolutely awesome!!!). It was nice to spend two days in a row with him. We have an amazing friendship. I can’t even begin to describe how well we get along. I wish things could be different with us. I wish he could be my BF, but that isn’t the way it is…so I am learning to accept the friendship and not wish for more. I think we can be close friends…well, at least until he gets a girlfriend. Then he’ll disappear…but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
As far as my heart goes, it still isn’t available for anyone else. I’m not sure when it will be. On Saturday night, the weather screwed up my entire day but I ended up going out to dinner with a guy I met a few weeks ago. We’ve been talking here and there. I can’t tell if he just likes talking and hanging out or is interested in dating. I can never tell these things…why can’t I??? Any way, I’m not interested in dating him and he doesn’t act like he wants anything more. He knows my heart is pretty bruised up, so either he is willing to wait or he just likes hanging out. I remember I had the same dilemma with guy who lived near BFF. I could never tell what he wanted. With him, I didn’t care because I liked his friendship and would be interested in being his GF if he wanted it. But, with this new guy, I’m not really interested in BF/GF relationship. I figure I need to be sure he understands this so he doesn’t waste time with me.
Yesterday, I spent all day canoeing and then a bicycle ride. It was grueling toward the end. The canoe ride (down the Gun Powder River) was awesome…some falls, a few tricky spots, but in all a really pleasant ride. My friend was a jerk when it came to the bike ride. He took off like a bat outta H E double hockey sticks and left me peddling my tush off to keep up. I decided right then and there I never want to ride that stupid bike with him again. Ugh! I hate guys who do that. I’m relatively fit and able to keep up for the most part. Btu I told him ahead of time my knee was hurting and I might have trouble riding the bike. The jerk! That is one problem with doing activities with guys. If it had been a girl, she would have waited or just said, “hey, I wanna get my heart rate up. I’m going ahead and I’ll wait for you at Y. Is that cool?” And I would have been fine. Instead, I had to race hard to keep up. It was not fun.
And, as a result, I was hurting pretty bad last night and again this morning. I totally need a massage on my shoulders and my IT band. It would be nice to have a BF to do that for me and then cuddle me. I wanted to be cuddled so badly yesterday. I missed not being able to call and talk to Mom. It is why I pretty much ignored the holiday.
Except, Boo came home and hid eggs for Other Daughter and me. I love my Boo so much. She is so dang cute and sweet. I should have made her a basket. She hardly ever eats sweets, though. When she was little, her Halloween candy would last til Easter, when I would throw it away. Then, her Easter candy (usually a basket from me and at least three sets of grandparents) would last until Halloween – when it got tossed. So as she has gotten older, I’ve laid off the candy.
Any way, I know it sounds silly, but I’m glad this holiday is over with. Maybe next year, I’ll feel like celebrating. Maybe the big G and I will be back on speaking terms and I’ll have found a new church by then….maybe.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Stood Up, Let down
I've been stood up three times this week. It really pisses me off when people do this. BFE and BFF feel the same as I do and I don't ever recall us doing this to each other. I am a social person. I block out time for my friends to see them and do things with them. If I have a commitment, I say no to other people and don't plan other things. But to be told, on that day, I'm not going to be able to make it, pisses me off to no end. I always try to give a few days notice.
Now after standing me up, my friend wants me to hold Saturday night to hang out with her. I don't trust her not to cancel on me if something better comes up. The worst part is one time another friend did it to her and she complained about it to me. Yet, here she goes, today, cancelling for dinner tonight. She says it is going to be a late day at work, but for some reason, I don't believe her. Acutally, I know the reason. One time she said she didn't feel like going out, as a last minute bail. Then later, she told me about this date she had -which was the same day she bailed on me. So of course, that still lingers.
I told her I'd hang on Saturday, but feel like her commitment is only an "option" to her and she is likely to bail on me, leaving me without plans. I know this shouldn't bother me like it does. It is hard on me, though. I believe time is the most valuable asset me have. It is limited and we have no idea when it will run out. I treasure mine and schedule accordingly. When I tell people I'll do something, I do it, unless there is a very good reason holding me back. And, then, I'm truthful about it.
Any way, I guess I just feel so "optional" and let down by my friend. I miss my girls....they rarely let me down like this.
Now after standing me up, my friend wants me to hold Saturday night to hang out with her. I don't trust her not to cancel on me if something better comes up. The worst part is one time another friend did it to her and she complained about it to me. Yet, here she goes, today, cancelling for dinner tonight. She says it is going to be a late day at work, but for some reason, I don't believe her. Acutally, I know the reason. One time she said she didn't feel like going out, as a last minute bail. Then later, she told me about this date she had -which was the same day she bailed on me. So of course, that still lingers.
I told her I'd hang on Saturday, but feel like her commitment is only an "option" to her and she is likely to bail on me, leaving me without plans. I know this shouldn't bother me like it does. It is hard on me, though. I believe time is the most valuable asset me have. It is limited and we have no idea when it will run out. I treasure mine and schedule accordingly. When I tell people I'll do something, I do it, unless there is a very good reason holding me back. And, then, I'm truthful about it.
Any way, I guess I just feel so "optional" and let down by my friend. I miss my girls....they rarely let me down like this.
Monday, April 18, 2011
what's up?
It was a rough weekend for me. My stomach is bothering me. It has for a week now. I thought perhaps it was just a bug, but now that it has lasted this long, I am rethininking the situation. I know my allergies are crazy and sinuses draining...that can contribute to my stomach problem. But, I also noticed I've been irritable and cranky and had some hot flashes last night. I'm not so sure why I'm such an idiot and always forget to think about it, but probably hormones....duh! I'm not due to see the doc again for a few months, so I'll wait it out. If I go another few weeks with the same issues, then I'll call. I'm going to try and increase exercise in the mean time. For some reason, that always helps.
So, of course, with feeling sick, I didn't get half of what i wanted done over the weekend. Ugh! It rained on Saturday and was too windy on Sunday to play with my new toy. Bummer. But, this week is supposed to be good. So maybe one day, I'll blow off work...if I was sure Friday would be a good day, I'd take it off. We used to have Good Friday off, but this year was given a floating holiday for it. I'm thinking of taking it then any way.
So everything I promised you. Last week, I found daffodills in a bag in the garage when I was cleaning out to make room for my vroom vroom. They were blooming in the bag, which was buried under junk. They are mom's favorite. It made me think of her. Lil' Sis would say it was mom saying hi. If so, her message would be to despite all the adversity around me, continue to be who I am and show my beauty. I'm going with that. So on Monday, I prepped an area and put all the plants in the ground. I highly doubt they will do much this year (not all had blooms, most had full stalks though), but they are now in "mom's garden". I cried as I planted them. But remembered how sad I was a few weeks ago when I saw some daffodills and didn't know what I could do to send some to mom. Problem solved. Thanks big G.
Which reminds me. I visited a church on Sunday. It is the big non-denominational one in the area and I hated it. I knew I would. I got lost in the parking lot...seriously, I did. Ended up going the wrong way, etc. The music was well done but didn't move me. The pastor was a good speaker, though. But I just couldn't handle the crowds and the thought of dealing with 15 minutes to leave the parking lot (without getting lost) and then 20 minutes to get home, every week. They do have excellent single's small groups, but I'm not convinced it is the place for me. I know I shouldn't get discouraged, but I am already.
I asked YBBK to go to the concert with me on Friday. I had already invited him and felt bad not taking him. And, also knew, I probably wouldn't have as much fun with anyone else. He and I get along so well. We hang out as friends and it feels good. Every time I see him, I get a warm feeling. I know I still love him but I also believe he doesn't love me the way he'd need to for us to have a long term relationship. I still don't get why. But then again, emotions aren't logical. I'm just not "it" for him. So, I am healing my heart. I haven't been writing...but keeping busy in other ways. Almost too busy. My friend, Tex, tells me I'm running myself ragged and that is why I was sick this weekend. Perhpas she is right.
I did a couple photo shoots this weekend. I screwed up with one and brought the wrong lens. Ugh! But the photos came out fine. The other one, I used my macro lens. I haven't downloaded yet. It will be fun to see how they came out. I had planned to do that yesterday or Saturday, but couldn't get motivated to do so. Stupid hormones!
PB has been texting me, again. I finally told him he was too young for me and I wasn't interested. He texted back, "you think I'm too young?" Then I asked his age. I had estimated a little under what he told me. I don't doubt he lied because guys lie to me all the time. I told him how old I was (11 years his senior!). He asked me if I ever felt he was too young when we were hanging out. It doesn't. I just know that the age difference is ridiculous and I'm not putting my heart on the line in such a situation. He is a very good looking, smart, fun guy. I'm not even sure what it is about me that he is so wrapped up about...other than possibly being a challenge for him. I actually wrote to him, "I don't see this relationship ever going any where, so spending time with you is a waste." When I told M&M about it, he told me it was good to see the Ice Queen was back. I'm just being honest. PB needs to find someone his own age. Plus, I'm so not interested in dating right now. My heart just isn't available.
I need to start writing more...I keep saying it but it just doesn't seem to happen. I'm happy when I write. I have a funny story about Boo. She is an excellent source of entertainment in my writing. She is so adorable in how ridiculous she can be. Of course, I worry constantly about her. I had a bad dream the other night that she was struggling in school. Just writing that makes me stomach turn. I'm not sure how to "cut the apron strings" as my coworker tells me to do. He teases me, "you women are all the same. You want to mother them and protect them forever. You and my wife have to cut the apron strings! Just cut 'em!" Of course, he is the one who still fixes his kid's cars all the time and goes to "rescue" them any time they have a mechanical issue.
Okay, so that is my "data dump". I'll try to write more consistently. Hahaha....
So, of course, with feeling sick, I didn't get half of what i wanted done over the weekend. Ugh! It rained on Saturday and was too windy on Sunday to play with my new toy. Bummer. But, this week is supposed to be good. So maybe one day, I'll blow off work...if I was sure Friday would be a good day, I'd take it off. We used to have Good Friday off, but this year was given a floating holiday for it. I'm thinking of taking it then any way.
So everything I promised you. Last week, I found daffodills in a bag in the garage when I was cleaning out to make room for my vroom vroom. They were blooming in the bag, which was buried under junk. They are mom's favorite. It made me think of her. Lil' Sis would say it was mom saying hi. If so, her message would be to despite all the adversity around me, continue to be who I am and show my beauty. I'm going with that. So on Monday, I prepped an area and put all the plants in the ground. I highly doubt they will do much this year (not all had blooms, most had full stalks though), but they are now in "mom's garden". I cried as I planted them. But remembered how sad I was a few weeks ago when I saw some daffodills and didn't know what I could do to send some to mom. Problem solved. Thanks big G.
Which reminds me. I visited a church on Sunday. It is the big non-denominational one in the area and I hated it. I knew I would. I got lost in the parking lot...seriously, I did. Ended up going the wrong way, etc. The music was well done but didn't move me. The pastor was a good speaker, though. But I just couldn't handle the crowds and the thought of dealing with 15 minutes to leave the parking lot (without getting lost) and then 20 minutes to get home, every week. They do have excellent single's small groups, but I'm not convinced it is the place for me. I know I shouldn't get discouraged, but I am already.
I asked YBBK to go to the concert with me on Friday. I had already invited him and felt bad not taking him. And, also knew, I probably wouldn't have as much fun with anyone else. He and I get along so well. We hang out as friends and it feels good. Every time I see him, I get a warm feeling. I know I still love him but I also believe he doesn't love me the way he'd need to for us to have a long term relationship. I still don't get why. But then again, emotions aren't logical. I'm just not "it" for him. So, I am healing my heart. I haven't been writing...but keeping busy in other ways. Almost too busy. My friend, Tex, tells me I'm running myself ragged and that is why I was sick this weekend. Perhpas she is right.
I did a couple photo shoots this weekend. I screwed up with one and brought the wrong lens. Ugh! But the photos came out fine. The other one, I used my macro lens. I haven't downloaded yet. It will be fun to see how they came out. I had planned to do that yesterday or Saturday, but couldn't get motivated to do so. Stupid hormones!
PB has been texting me, again. I finally told him he was too young for me and I wasn't interested. He texted back, "you think I'm too young?" Then I asked his age. I had estimated a little under what he told me. I don't doubt he lied because guys lie to me all the time. I told him how old I was (11 years his senior!). He asked me if I ever felt he was too young when we were hanging out. It doesn't. I just know that the age difference is ridiculous and I'm not putting my heart on the line in such a situation. He is a very good looking, smart, fun guy. I'm not even sure what it is about me that he is so wrapped up about...other than possibly being a challenge for him. I actually wrote to him, "I don't see this relationship ever going any where, so spending time with you is a waste." When I told M&M about it, he told me it was good to see the Ice Queen was back. I'm just being honest. PB needs to find someone his own age. Plus, I'm so not interested in dating right now. My heart just isn't available.
I need to start writing more...I keep saying it but it just doesn't seem to happen. I'm happy when I write. I have a funny story about Boo. She is an excellent source of entertainment in my writing. She is so adorable in how ridiculous she can be. Of course, I worry constantly about her. I had a bad dream the other night that she was struggling in school. Just writing that makes me stomach turn. I'm not sure how to "cut the apron strings" as my coworker tells me to do. He teases me, "you women are all the same. You want to mother them and protect them forever. You and my wife have to cut the apron strings! Just cut 'em!" Of course, he is the one who still fixes his kid's cars all the time and goes to "rescue" them any time they have a mechanical issue.
Okay, so that is my "data dump". I'll try to write more consistently. Hahaha....
Friday, April 15, 2011
wicked busy
So many thoughts running through my head that I'd love to get down here. But work picked up and got crazy in the last week and every night, I'm out til past dark (flood lights) working on the yard. I woke today with the old back pain back...sucks! I didn't do much during the fall due to the injury and I'm hoping the rest I get from the rainy weekend will help my back to heal...hell maybe I'll even get a chance to write...which is one of the things I said I'd do...not just blog but write. A few of the stories have popped into my head and even got one down on "paper" but, the others just have milled around and perhaps even gone by now. I want to blog too....about YBBK, about how M&M said the Ice Queen (aka bitch) is back, about all that I'm doing to heal my heart, about not wanting to date, about mom's daffodils that I planted on Monday....the list goes on. Soon....
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Sisters
I love my sisters! They emailed me today after seeing pictures of my new bike.
Lil Sis wrote:
Vroom vroom!!!! Keep it on the road! Don't be playing any RB adventures.
Do's and don'ts:
Have fun with it. Make sure you clean your helmet shield properly - don't want permanent scratches. Always carry a brush or hair clip. Don't let others drive it. Don't ride with dangerous people; they may push the limit where you are not ready for. Wear a tampon- the vibrations are great!!!!
And The Oldest wrote:
Glad you like the name (Denzel, because it's black and beautiful.)....when I said it, N said "but it's a girl". I told her that as a heterosexual woman, if I was going to have a sexy black machine between my legs I wouldn't be naming it Beyonce---I thought she was going to fall over.
Now if I could just get the two of them to stop fighting. Life would be perfect.
Lil Sis wrote:
Vroom vroom!!!! Keep it on the road! Don't be playing any RB adventures.
Do's and don'ts:
Have fun with it. Make sure you clean your helmet shield properly - don't want permanent scratches. Always carry a brush or hair clip. Don't let others drive it. Don't ride with dangerous people; they may push the limit where you are not ready for. Wear a tampon- the vibrations are great!!!!
And The Oldest wrote:
Glad you like the name (Denzel, because it's black and beautiful.)....when I said it, N said "but it's a girl". I told her that as a heterosexual woman, if I was going to have a sexy black machine between my legs I wouldn't be naming it Beyonce---I thought she was going to fall over.
Now if I could just get the two of them to stop fighting. Life would be perfect.
Worth Believing In
I went to get my bike yesterday. It was a bit windy and I didn’t want to drive it on the highway. So when YBBK said he’d help me out, I said yes. Seeing him is good and bad. I love the way we can chat and how nicely we get along. But still there is a bit of heartache there. He doesn’t understand it and he probably never will. It is interesting how worried he is that I have a good opinion of him. I don’t completely understand it. Although, I hated when he didn’t really see me and applied character traits to me that were off base. So maybe that is it.
He was concerned I didn’t think he used me for sex. That is a rough one for me. Sex is so ridiculously sacred for me. It is something I don’t take lightly. So, he can’t understand it. Hell, even BFE and BFF don’t understand it. I barely do. But, then again, it was I who jumped there, so of course, he wouldn’t get it. I can’t blame him for my feeling a bit used. I don’t think less of his character.
I don’t think I could ever really explain it to him. My girls understand it because they know me. They know I was mortified by my mistake. I wonder if I fell in love with him because I “needed” to. I don’t really think that to be true. I think I did because we could both be such “true selves” around each other. That is what I want. He seems to want something else. I’m not sure what that is but it isn’t me.
That’s okay. It hurts but I’ve been hurt before. And, most likely, I’ll be hurt again. Although, I still believe, “no boy is worth crying over. And, the one that is won’t make you cry.” I have to believe it, even if it isn’t true….because that is something worth believing in.
He was concerned I didn’t think he used me for sex. That is a rough one for me. Sex is so ridiculously sacred for me. It is something I don’t take lightly. So, he can’t understand it. Hell, even BFE and BFF don’t understand it. I barely do. But, then again, it was I who jumped there, so of course, he wouldn’t get it. I can’t blame him for my feeling a bit used. I don’t think less of his character.
I don’t think I could ever really explain it to him. My girls understand it because they know me. They know I was mortified by my mistake. I wonder if I fell in love with him because I “needed” to. I don’t really think that to be true. I think I did because we could both be such “true selves” around each other. That is what I want. He seems to want something else. I’m not sure what that is but it isn’t me.
That’s okay. It hurts but I’ve been hurt before. And, most likely, I’ll be hurt again. Although, I still believe, “no boy is worth crying over. And, the one that is won’t make you cry.” I have to believe it, even if it isn’t true….because that is something worth believing in.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Writing
Earlier today, I was looking for a particular story and I noticed I haven't been writing. Yes, I've been blogging but I haven't been writing. The type of writing that makes me happy. I've made a resolution to start that again. I'm afraid I'll have writer's block and not come up with topics. But then again, every day incidents give me inspriation if I just open my eyes and set my mind to it.
The exercise has been going well. Every day since I got healthy, per my resolution. Not as much today, but dinner plans tend to get in the way of a full work out. It's always good to catch up with my friends. Note to self, don't get behind in either of those things, either! Both "fill me up" and give me energy.
Tomorrow I pick up my new toy. I'm a bit scared of it. I just want to take it slow and do it my way. Ride around the parking lot for a bit til I feel like I know how to ride again. I have so much respect for the power of a piece of machinery and fear of cars who are oblivious to those around them. I know this is something I wanted for a long time but also wonder if it is one of the dullest decisions I've made. Both oldest sis and brother have told me to be careful and they are worrying for me. BFE gave me her burly, tatooed guardian angel. And Lil' Sis was happy to relive our youthful experiences on three wheeler and green meanie, via email. PoPo just wants to ride on the back...which I'll never do...take a passenger. Bad enough I'm endangering my own life! If she ever comes down, I'll teach her to ride, though. I want her to experience it herself. I know she'd make a great biker chick...but instead she likes to be on the back. Despite being scared, I'm so excited that I bet I won't sleep tonight! :D
The exercise has been going well. Every day since I got healthy, per my resolution. Not as much today, but dinner plans tend to get in the way of a full work out. It's always good to catch up with my friends. Note to self, don't get behind in either of those things, either! Both "fill me up" and give me energy.
Tomorrow I pick up my new toy. I'm a bit scared of it. I just want to take it slow and do it my way. Ride around the parking lot for a bit til I feel like I know how to ride again. I have so much respect for the power of a piece of machinery and fear of cars who are oblivious to those around them. I know this is something I wanted for a long time but also wonder if it is one of the dullest decisions I've made. Both oldest sis and brother have told me to be careful and they are worrying for me. BFE gave me her burly, tatooed guardian angel. And Lil' Sis was happy to relive our youthful experiences on three wheeler and green meanie, via email. PoPo just wants to ride on the back...which I'll never do...take a passenger. Bad enough I'm endangering my own life! If she ever comes down, I'll teach her to ride, though. I want her to experience it herself. I know she'd make a great biker chick...but instead she likes to be on the back. Despite being scared, I'm so excited that I bet I won't sleep tonight! :D
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Bike
Bought it yesterday. I had to tell C2 how sorry I am. I promise to be cautious. I know I can't control others but will control myself. You know i've wanted this for a long time now. I hope you can be good with it. And, yes R, each time my heart is broken, I do something for me.... Africa, Venice and now the bike. Heartbreaks are quite expensive. Tee hee!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
