This weekend was great. I am finally over the stupid bronchitis. I thought I was going to die earlier last week…okay so an over exaggeration but still my lungs were shot again. I finally broke down and went for my (lecture) meds from the doctor. Things are much better now.
Friday was a very rough day. Found out a friend of mine had committed suicide. It was awful. I had met him through a mutual friend, who was much closer with him. Red had found out on Wednesday that he had passed away. But on Friday afternoon still didn’t know from what. I think she suspected suicide…I didn’t. So when she said she thought the neighbors might know, I volunteered to take her and be her mouthpiece. We went and found out he hung himself. It was heart wrenching to see. She had been much closer with him than I knew. I stayed with her until she was ready for me to go and then I cried for 2 hours. How absolutely tormenting for her. I’ve asked all my friends to pray for her and his soul. I don’t know what else to do.
Saturday I decided to take a bike ride. I knew my lungs weren’t up for it, but figured whatever. And boy oh boy am I glad I did. I had the best time. I forgot how much I love all the people in my social group. It was great to catch up and feel the love. That ride helped me to make up my mind and go to the picnic on Sunday. Plus the bike ride helped to clear the lungs…hooray!
I was going to bring my Piotr to the picnic. I didn’t want to go alone. But then he had stuff to do, it seemed like queen of the social club wasn’t too thrilled with the last minute addition and well, after Saturday, I knew I’d have a great time. And, it all worked out well. I pissed off my Piotr. Not because I went without him but because I was gone for so long and didn’t check in after I said I would. So freaking irresponsible and unlike me. I suspect I’m just subconsciously holding him at arms length. He adores me, though and forgave me. Hahaha. Seriously, he did. Not sure I would have been so sweet.
Sunday I caught up on stuff around the house. Stupid garage door is broke…need to get that fixed. But, the yard looks fabulous…finally all the gardens have been attended to. And with the weather getting warmer, I know the grass cutting will go back to once a week or 10 days…Yipppeeee..
Life is good! I cried that river, built a bridge and got over it!!!! I'm back home!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Do not cast your pearls among swine...
My friend posted that yesterday. Some days, I think God chooses to speak to me through such ways. It has been a long time since I heard or read that that. It was exactly what I needed to hear yesterday.
She went on to "translate" it and wrote, "Dont waste your gifts on a man (or woman) who is unworthy, for they will trample your gifts and attack you." It is so true and what I needed to hear. I have been trampled on recently. I need to heal. And I now feel good about my decisions to cast out people who don't appreciate me or treat me with the same love and respect I give them. It's a good path to be on.
She went on to "translate" it and wrote, "Dont waste your gifts on a man (or woman) who is unworthy, for they will trample your gifts and attack you." It is so true and what I needed to hear. I have been trampled on recently. I need to heal. And I now feel good about my decisions to cast out people who don't appreciate me or treat me with the same love and respect I give them. It's a good path to be on.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Ghosts
This weekend I had to interact with he who is Dead to Me. I tried to keep telling myself we don’t talk to ghosts nor do we interact with them, but in the long run, his mere presence caused me to be upset. I should have followed my first inclination and not gone on the trip. But I had told my beautiful friend I’d go and be her roommate. And, I didn’t want him to be the cause of me breaking my word. I know my beautiful friend would understand, but still, keeping my word is a priority in my life.
After the last interaction, I had told GEH all about the pain that DtM caused. GEH had told me it was best to avoid him and not interact. When we discussed it again last night, he helped me to realize it is because DtM wants it both ways. He says he wants to be my friend, but he doesn’t know how to act like one. When I was upset and emailed him last week asking him who he was bringing, he played games with me…using my flirty nickname and not answering my question. Then, he gave me the strong arm, telling me that he didn’t have to get my approval to do anything. Which is the complete “ex-boyfriend” thing to do. But not something a friend would do. A friend would realize that their friend was hurt and upset and want to understand where the pain came from and help to find a resolution. Instead, he treated me like an “ex” and belittled me and attributed mean actions to me. Then, he hung up abruptly and never once attempted to have resolution prior to the weekend. Again…all the actions of an “ex” but not a friend.
When I told GEH how I behaved, calling DtM an asshole, he laughed that DtM tried to make me feel like I was wronging him after all he had done to me. GEH made me realize it is the way DtM has always manipulated me. He is cruel to me and when I finally react in a way not consistent with my nature – most probably in attempts to hurt and/or control me. This is not something a friend does.
This is where the problem lies for us. He doesn’t seem to know how to be a friend to an “ex”. And, this is why he constantly hurts me. He doesn’t seem to understand what it takes to care for someone as a friend. It is probably why he has so few and needs to be completely absorbed in a relationship. Very unhealthy in my opinion but different strokes for different folks.
Any way, the weekend, which was quite painful, has made me realize the following things.
1. DtM does not know how to be my friend. Therefore, I cannot and will not be his friend.
2. GEH understands me and cares for me far more than I thought. And, he truly can handle the insecurities and my inability to trust – just like he told me.
3. According to my friends, I have more gumption than anyone they know.
4. Gumption is not necessarily a good thing, in MHO.
5. It is best not to spend any time with ghosts. For my emotional well being, they are best avoided or ignored.
After the last interaction, I had told GEH all about the pain that DtM caused. GEH had told me it was best to avoid him and not interact. When we discussed it again last night, he helped me to realize it is because DtM wants it both ways. He says he wants to be my friend, but he doesn’t know how to act like one. When I was upset and emailed him last week asking him who he was bringing, he played games with me…using my flirty nickname and not answering my question. Then, he gave me the strong arm, telling me that he didn’t have to get my approval to do anything. Which is the complete “ex-boyfriend” thing to do. But not something a friend would do. A friend would realize that their friend was hurt and upset and want to understand where the pain came from and help to find a resolution. Instead, he treated me like an “ex” and belittled me and attributed mean actions to me. Then, he hung up abruptly and never once attempted to have resolution prior to the weekend. Again…all the actions of an “ex” but not a friend.
When I told GEH how I behaved, calling DtM an asshole, he laughed that DtM tried to make me feel like I was wronging him after all he had done to me. GEH made me realize it is the way DtM has always manipulated me. He is cruel to me and when I finally react in a way not consistent with my nature – most probably in attempts to hurt and/or control me. This is not something a friend does.
This is where the problem lies for us. He doesn’t seem to know how to be a friend to an “ex”. And, this is why he constantly hurts me. He doesn’t seem to understand what it takes to care for someone as a friend. It is probably why he has so few and needs to be completely absorbed in a relationship. Very unhealthy in my opinion but different strokes for different folks.
Any way, the weekend, which was quite painful, has made me realize the following things.
1. DtM does not know how to be my friend. Therefore, I cannot and will not be his friend.
2. GEH understands me and cares for me far more than I thought. And, he truly can handle the insecurities and my inability to trust – just like he told me.
3. According to my friends, I have more gumption than anyone they know.
4. Gumption is not necessarily a good thing, in MHO.
5. It is best not to spend any time with ghosts. For my emotional well being, they are best avoided or ignored.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Forgiveness
I made amends with the cowardly ex today. I realized that it has been a very long time and while some of the hurt is still there (I’ll most likely carry that forever), the anger and hatred is gone. I think I started to realize it on our non-anniversary. But since I’ve picked up the guitar again and fell back in love with the instrument, I realized that the hurt and anger of playing is gone as well. I’ve been “okay” but haven’t wanted to tell him that. I had always wanted him to still suffer knowing he turned my life upside down and “created an enormous amount of pain to a good woman that loved him.” I knew he would suffer, too, because I knew he is the type to carry the guilt with him.
So today, I decided to take the guilt from him. I called him and told him that I didn’t want him to suffer any longer. We talked for a half hour. He wanted to know what precipitated my call. I told him the passing of the anniversary was the beginning and about the playing of the guitar. I also told him how the ending of my friendship with the loser that is DTM didn’t precipitate the usual “I hate the ex for putting me back into this cruel dating world” thoughts that usually came with break ups. I told him that DTM loser was someone who made him look good. He laughed and said he was sorry I had to encounter such a deceptive and manipulative individual.
The first thing he wanted me to know was that he was sorry about Mom. He told me when he found out, he called his Mom and they prayed for her. He told me he struggled with whether or not he should call me but thought my telling him to stay out of my life still held. I told him his decision was right. I was pretty grief stricken and would have probably told him to go to hell. I think that gave him even more relief, to know he had made the right decision with something he struggled with. He proceeded to ask about everyone and everything in my life. And I told him.
I asked him some questions about playing that I've encountered since i picked up the old strummer. I didn’t ask about his family or his life. I don’t want to know that stuff. I am pretty sure he’ll be proposing to his gf (aka Jezebel but I need to drop that name) soon and this gave him the peace of mind he needed. I’m pretty sure he held off on thinking about marrying her because of the guilt. But, I don’t need to know that. I miss our friendship. We probably could never have that back because she couldn’t stand it and I won’t be a secret. That makes me sad.
But, it felt good to get through all that with him. It feels good to have forgiven him completely.
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
~Don Henley
So today, I decided to take the guilt from him. I called him and told him that I didn’t want him to suffer any longer. We talked for a half hour. He wanted to know what precipitated my call. I told him the passing of the anniversary was the beginning and about the playing of the guitar. I also told him how the ending of my friendship with the loser that is DTM didn’t precipitate the usual “I hate the ex for putting me back into this cruel dating world” thoughts that usually came with break ups. I told him that DTM loser was someone who made him look good. He laughed and said he was sorry I had to encounter such a deceptive and manipulative individual.
The first thing he wanted me to know was that he was sorry about Mom. He told me when he found out, he called his Mom and they prayed for her. He told me he struggled with whether or not he should call me but thought my telling him to stay out of my life still held. I told him his decision was right. I was pretty grief stricken and would have probably told him to go to hell. I think that gave him even more relief, to know he had made the right decision with something he struggled with. He proceeded to ask about everyone and everything in my life. And I told him.
I asked him some questions about playing that I've encountered since i picked up the old strummer. I didn’t ask about his family or his life. I don’t want to know that stuff. I am pretty sure he’ll be proposing to his gf (aka Jezebel but I need to drop that name) soon and this gave him the peace of mind he needed. I’m pretty sure he held off on thinking about marrying her because of the guilt. But, I don’t need to know that. I miss our friendship. We probably could never have that back because she couldn’t stand it and I won’t be a secret. That makes me sad.
But, it felt good to get through all that with him. It feels good to have forgiven him completely.
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
~Don Henley
Monday, May 16, 2011
Loving lying enemy
I have seen your face before
Never thought again I’d see
Didn’t want to anymore
I remember your loving eyes
And the moonlit kiss
The evening lullabies I will truly miss
Through the years we had it all
Midnight whispers, the midday calls
This house of cards, it had to fall
And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel
Every time I see you
I can’t help but look away
All along I had believed everything you’d say
When I look now I know I’ve seen your face before
Don’t want your deceiving smile
Standing at my door
And I don’t care what people say
I’m ready now to face this day
And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
if you have to hurt
And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel
~Sarah McLachlan
I have seen your face before
Never thought again I’d see
Didn’t want to anymore
I remember your loving eyes
And the moonlit kiss
The evening lullabies I will truly miss
Through the years we had it all
Midnight whispers, the midday calls
This house of cards, it had to fall
And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel
Every time I see you
I can’t help but look away
All along I had believed everything you’d say
When I look now I know I’ve seen your face before
Don’t want your deceiving smile
Standing at my door
And I don’t care what people say
I’m ready now to face this day
And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
if you have to hurt
And you ask for forgiveness
You’re asking too much
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can’t touch
Don’t believe when you tell me your love is real
Because you don’t know much about heaven boy
If you have to hurt to feel
~Sarah McLachlan
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Dating Journal
So I was chatting with BFF about my dates this past weekend. She told me I was being too negative. She is probably right. I have a bad attitude about dating right now. A certain deceptive man has put a bad taste in my mouth. I told BFF that I don't think I'm going to do it. She disagreed. She told me that I need to date around ("date around not sleep around" per the advice in Mars and Venus Starting Over). But I should also keep a dating journal. I should list the guys, list the good, list the bad but focus on the good so I can see what I really like about the guys. I think I know what "my list" is, but maybe not. And, I've learned to take advice even if it seems a bit far fetched.
Any way, I will create the dating journal. It will be available to read but by invitation only. So if you are reading this and you want to follow the dating journey, shoot me an email and I'll add you to the list. If you don't have my email, just leave a comment on how I can find you and I'll add you to the list.
Any way, I will create the dating journal. It will be available to read but by invitation only. So if you are reading this and you want to follow the dating journey, shoot me an email and I'll add you to the list. If you don't have my email, just leave a comment on how I can find you and I'll add you to the list.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Last Night's Dream
Last night's dream was very vivid. I’ve been thinking about it all day (finally wrote it down at 3:19 p.m.) trying to understand what it was about.
Setting:
It took place at my graduation from somewhere.
I had a fancy ball (prom) dress on underneath the graduation gown. The front bow stuck out and annoyed me.
I had stood in line to purchase 2 sets of four tickets to have enough for the ceremony.
The dream:
I was very upset because I found out no one was coming.
I asked BC (specific person from church) about who I should pass the tickets onto.
She didn’t seem to care until she saw I had numbers 9-12…which were great seats on the floor. She grabbed the four good tickets.
While I was waiting in the room with all other grads, my grand ma, pa and uncle Tom show up to tell me that they need the tickets. I tell them that Mom said no one was coming. Mom was already sitting in the other area with people. I thought it odd that she sent the old people to come tell me that while she was sitting.
I went out onto the floor to try and get the tickets back. I told the lady who was doing the raffle what happened. That all we needed to do was find BC to verify so I could get the tickets for my relatives. She didn’t help. She said I had to talk to the guy in charge. I told him but he gave me the run around too.
I then went looking for mom. Found her in the section she was in and it was half empty. I didn’t understand why she sent my grandparents for me. It was mom, Aunt Sara and someone else (can’t recall – think it was Uncle Henry) My older relatives hadn’t followed me. I was asked if I was sure I had talked to the person in charge. I was annoyed at mom for asking if I had found the right person after she was the one who caused the problem by saying no one was coming. I would have held onto the tickets. Then a busload of people showed up and filled in the section Mom was in (upper balcony far from stage).
Don’t remember much else.
Impressions/After thoughts:
Everyone but U. Tom (he is Aunt Sara’s widower & my oldest living relative) has passed away.
Dad and Nana (mom’s mom) weren’t in the dream
I was very sad that no one was coming to see me…especially after all the effort I went to getting tickets.
I was very annoyed that mom’s not telling me the truth caused the issue and me having to run around to fix things.
Never thought about the fact that I had taken all tickets and mom had them (dream magic)
Also annoyed she sent “the old people” out to find me to get the problem fixed.
Interpretation:
I think, in part, I carry some anger with Mom for messing things up with all the siblings and the fighting. But odd they weren’t in the dream. Maybe sending old people to do physical task is being annoyed for picking Lynda to take care of stuff she isn’t capable of. I’m not sure why everyone in the dream were my dead relatives (U.Tom who I haven’t seen since A.Sara passed away).
Just a very odd dream all around. Wonder if it is indicative of the fact that I am very bored and annoyed with my life right now.
Setting:
It took place at my graduation from somewhere.
I had a fancy ball (prom) dress on underneath the graduation gown. The front bow stuck out and annoyed me.
I had stood in line to purchase 2 sets of four tickets to have enough for the ceremony.
The dream:
I was very upset because I found out no one was coming.
I asked BC (specific person from church) about who I should pass the tickets onto.
She didn’t seem to care until she saw I had numbers 9-12…which were great seats on the floor. She grabbed the four good tickets.
While I was waiting in the room with all other grads, my grand ma, pa and uncle Tom show up to tell me that they need the tickets. I tell them that Mom said no one was coming. Mom was already sitting in the other area with people. I thought it odd that she sent the old people to come tell me that while she was sitting.
I went out onto the floor to try and get the tickets back. I told the lady who was doing the raffle what happened. That all we needed to do was find BC to verify so I could get the tickets for my relatives. She didn’t help. She said I had to talk to the guy in charge. I told him but he gave me the run around too.
I then went looking for mom. Found her in the section she was in and it was half empty. I didn’t understand why she sent my grandparents for me. It was mom, Aunt Sara and someone else (can’t recall – think it was Uncle Henry) My older relatives hadn’t followed me. I was asked if I was sure I had talked to the person in charge. I was annoyed at mom for asking if I had found the right person after she was the one who caused the problem by saying no one was coming. I would have held onto the tickets. Then a busload of people showed up and filled in the section Mom was in (upper balcony far from stage).
Don’t remember much else.
Impressions/After thoughts:
Everyone but U. Tom (he is Aunt Sara’s widower & my oldest living relative) has passed away.
Dad and Nana (mom’s mom) weren’t in the dream
I was very sad that no one was coming to see me…especially after all the effort I went to getting tickets.
I was very annoyed that mom’s not telling me the truth caused the issue and me having to run around to fix things.
Never thought about the fact that I had taken all tickets and mom had them (dream magic)
Also annoyed she sent “the old people” out to find me to get the problem fixed.
Interpretation:
I think, in part, I carry some anger with Mom for messing things up with all the siblings and the fighting. But odd they weren’t in the dream. Maybe sending old people to do physical task is being annoyed for picking Lynda to take care of stuff she isn’t capable of. I’m not sure why everyone in the dream were my dead relatives (U.Tom who I haven’t seen since A.Sara passed away).
Just a very odd dream all around. Wonder if it is indicative of the fact that I am very bored and annoyed with my life right now.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Twister
Mind Spacing
Heart Racing
Feet Pacing
Sleep eludes me
Mouth Lies
Soul Cries
Spirit Sighs
You betray me
Hand Smoothes
Voice Soothes
Soul Moves
She consoles me
Heart Racing
Feet Pacing
Sleep eludes me
Mouth Lies
Soul Cries
Spirit Sighs
You betray me
Hand Smoothes
Voice Soothes
Soul Moves
She consoles me
Thursday, May 5, 2011
May the fourth be with you
Yesterday was cuatro de Mayo…aka would have been my anniversary to the cowardly ex. The first year, after we divorced (only months after we separated) we spent the afternoon together. By that time he had moved in with Jezebel and I was the other woman. Ironic. Since then each year has gotten easier. I almost made it through the day without realizing it. But I had to close out some reports at work and looked to see it was the fourth and remembered. But it didn’t make my stomach sink or cause a pain in my chest.
Cuatro de Mayo is BF from HS’s birthday. It is nice to think of it like that. It is the eve of cinqo de Mayo which is more a US holiday since it is not really celebrated in Mexico…I know, I was there for it one year. Actually, it was the year of my 2nd (I think) anniversary.
Any way, the nice thing is I am finally getting over the bitterness and pain of his betrayal. When YBBK betrayed me, I didn’t feel the anger at the cowardly ex that I had felt in the past. The anger for promising me to be there the rest of my life but not. The anger for taking away the last of my child bearing years without more children. The anger for his negative influence on Boo. The anger for his actions causing me to have to be alone during these years that should be full of fun times. None of it was there. I was hurt and betrayed, by yet another man, but I no longer blamed the cowardly ex for putting me into the situation. Progress is good!
And, when I realized it would have been my anniversary (perhaps 9th? But 13 years together) I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t much of anything. Nice!
Cuatro de Mayo is BF from HS’s birthday. It is nice to think of it like that. It is the eve of cinqo de Mayo which is more a US holiday since it is not really celebrated in Mexico…I know, I was there for it one year. Actually, it was the year of my 2nd (I think) anniversary.
Any way, the nice thing is I am finally getting over the bitterness and pain of his betrayal. When YBBK betrayed me, I didn’t feel the anger at the cowardly ex that I had felt in the past. The anger for promising me to be there the rest of my life but not. The anger for taking away the last of my child bearing years without more children. The anger for his negative influence on Boo. The anger for his actions causing me to have to be alone during these years that should be full of fun times. None of it was there. I was hurt and betrayed, by yet another man, but I no longer blamed the cowardly ex for putting me into the situation. Progress is good!
And, when I realized it would have been my anniversary (perhaps 9th? But 13 years together) I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t much of anything. Nice!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Is it time?
Over the weekend, several of my girlfriends, without provocation, told me that it was time for me to start dating again. I thought it was odd that BFF brought it up. But she and I were scheduling a "date" and she said, 'you should consider doing this with a guy.' I just let it slide. But then later, Married with kids and new baby asked me, "did you go on any dates this weekend? why not?" After I shrugged, she said, "well that wasn't a no one asked me so why? I think you should." And then both Tex and Heartbreak indicated the same thing...you are fine. Just put yourself out there.
So I thought about it and they are right. YBBK hurt me, messed with my trust issues but really didn't damage my self esteem like the dirty rotten ex did. I know I'm pretty, smart, funny and a joy to be around (tee hee hee, did I just write that?!). So why not?
So yesterday, I emailed back Museum guy. He replied last night and wants to talk tonight. I also agreed to meet Southern Gentleman this weekend (day to be determined). I'm still not sure he is all that interested but he is consistent. Calling 2-3 times a week and asking to hang out one night a weekend. I still don't see me "dating" him. But, he isn't pushing anything and I'm fine with just playing it out. Of course there is Photoboy, who I am still refusing to see. He is ever so persistent. I asked him why he doesn't hang out with girls his own age. He ignored that text. LOL! Actually, I haven't heard from him since Sunday morning...maybe he has finally given up.
Any way, so I'll open myself up to the dating game and see how it goes. M&M said he's seen plenty of evidence that the Cold Hearted Bitch is back and I should do just fine with dating around (per Mars and Venus Starting Over). He said he missed the CHB and can't wait to hear the stories of men failing to woe me over. Gotta love M&M. He flatters me every chance he gets. I couldn't have picked a better "big brother".
And, No, I haven't forgotten Sunday is the dreaded first Mother's Day without Mom. I wish I could. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through that day. Sigh.....
So I thought about it and they are right. YBBK hurt me, messed with my trust issues but really didn't damage my self esteem like the dirty rotten ex did. I know I'm pretty, smart, funny and a joy to be around (tee hee hee, did I just write that?!). So why not?
So yesterday, I emailed back Museum guy. He replied last night and wants to talk tonight. I also agreed to meet Southern Gentleman this weekend (day to be determined). I'm still not sure he is all that interested but he is consistent. Calling 2-3 times a week and asking to hang out one night a weekend. I still don't see me "dating" him. But, he isn't pushing anything and I'm fine with just playing it out. Of course there is Photoboy, who I am still refusing to see. He is ever so persistent. I asked him why he doesn't hang out with girls his own age. He ignored that text. LOL! Actually, I haven't heard from him since Sunday morning...maybe he has finally given up.
Any way, so I'll open myself up to the dating game and see how it goes. M&M said he's seen plenty of evidence that the Cold Hearted Bitch is back and I should do just fine with dating around (per Mars and Venus Starting Over). He said he missed the CHB and can't wait to hear the stories of men failing to woe me over. Gotta love M&M. He flatters me every chance he gets. I couldn't have picked a better "big brother".
And, No, I haven't forgotten Sunday is the dreaded first Mother's Day without Mom. I wish I could. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through that day. Sigh.....
Monday, May 2, 2011
yesterday
I spent a lot of time with girl friends yesterday. Always a good thing to do. I realized a few things:
1. My girls love me and will stand by me no matter what.
2. My girls will gently point out the error of my ways and then stand back and let me make my mistakes.
3. My girls will be there to catch me as I fall from making the mistakes.
4. My girls may think but will never say, "I told you so!"
5. My girls will give advice when asked and also when not asked...but always with my best interest at heart.
LOVE LOVE LOVE my girls!!!!!!
1. My girls love me and will stand by me no matter what.
2. My girls will gently point out the error of my ways and then stand back and let me make my mistakes.
3. My girls will be there to catch me as I fall from making the mistakes.
4. My girls may think but will never say, "I told you so!"
5. My girls will give advice when asked and also when not asked...but always with my best interest at heart.
LOVE LOVE LOVE my girls!!!!!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Mother's Day
So I'm collecting $$ for a gift for the Christian Counsellor for Mother's day. Today I went to buy a card to put it in. It killed me when I walked down that aisle. I didn't think about it ahead of time. The wave of grief that came over me was like a school bus running me down. Major weight on my check...couldn't catch my breath. I got the card and didn't die...so I guess I'm stronger now!
Miss you mom.
Miss you mom.
So Vain!
I locked the blog down on Friday. My girls wondered why. As I think about it, I realize how silly and vain I was being in doing so. YBBK has once again inflicted serious pain on me. He told me he didn't want to be my friend, unfriended me on FB, insulted me and then told me I deserved to be insulted. It sent me reeling. I couldn't believe he could be so cruel to me. I think that every time he does something shallow and callous...not sure when I'll learn. Of course, his rational for it was that he read something on my FB page that he thought was about him. I teased him calling him paranoid (in a text) and he freaked out. I guess I should have said no first, but I really didn't think he was so vain as to think my entire life revolved around him. Once everything went down, I thought that he must be reading the blog again, so I locked it down.
Of course, now that I think about it, I'm as vain as he is if I think he is bothering with me and my thoughts. He's moved on to a new girl. Really stupid on his part to still be dating when he isn't sure he is over his ex. You have to cut the string, but really cut it and have it cut for a bit before you can actually move on. But maybe he'll succeed where most others fail. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. Any which way, since he is now obsessing over another woman, he won't be bothering with me. Silly of me to think that he would be, actually.
Oh you want to know what he did? Besides all the other shit he's done to me...hahaha. Seriously, it amazes me that he can't see how terribly he has treated me. First, when we were dating, he was talking to his ex-wife. Says he wasn't seriously considering getting back with her and just wanted to see what she was up to, but if that had been the case, he would have told me. He didn't. He accuses me of being dishonest, deceptive and having feelings for a past "boyfriend" but that was what he was doing. Then there was the looking at other women (supposedly not contacting them) online when we were dating. Right after having sex with me one day. I know he was looking at porn, too....so maybe that is why he was checking them out but seriously, he should have just come clean about it. Instead, he lashed out at me (told me I was spying on him) when I told him. Typical behavior actually for him. Lashing out at me when he is the one who has been behaving poorly. This that I knew about, I forgave. Oh and at that time, he was still flirting with his ex. Then, there was the whole being deceptive with me about the girl he was taking to Rosemont. He knew the intent of my question but he purposely deceived me into believing he was going alone. All along, I felt sorry for him with me bailing but instead, he was lying to me. A$$h0le move on his part. (Yeah, yeah, it looks like a curse word, so it is one.) So when I get upset, he calls it a rant. He is supposed to care about me, but yet he lies to me over and over again. The last time was after the Rush concert. He sent a large file to his new gf when we were there. I later asked what girl he was texting. He knew what I meant. He had his hand over the phone as he sent it and he looked guilty. But instead, he threw a bunch of names out there. Of course, her's was one of them, but it was a BS move to decieve me. But the kicker was this. He is asking me to help him sort out his feelings and then asked me how to be a better lover. This after he has screwed around with his new gf. Then, he tries to play it off as, well if I had asked youto be a better dresser...I just want to be a better lover in general. Hello, do you really think I am as stupid as your ex wife. I am a freaking mensa genius..okay. So here is the story, you be a better dresser for public...for appearance, for work, for attracting the opposite sex but other things. You are only a better lover for your lovers! Duh! Really think I am so stupid as to believe that you weren't trying to figure out ways to better please the new woman. Come on! Most people would think that you'd ask someone that if you were trying to get back together with them. That woudl be the only reason you'd do that. I didn't really give it much thought because I already had the list of things he'd have to do before I'd ever consider sleeping with him, and he hadn't even done step one!
Oh yeah, and he thought that if he wanted to have sex with me, I'd do it. Really, I'll kiss him. But sex came off the table the day he got out of bed and looked at other women. It was a long hard road back there after that betrayal. He is so vain.
Lastly and all I have to say about him is this. And, I know you will all be glad to hear it. He talks about not being in love with his ex any more because the person he was in love with no longer exisits. What happens for me isn't quite that. I realize he isn't who I thought he was but still was able to forgive him and care for him...after each time he hurt me. But this time, he killed the part of me that was in love with him. She is gone and will never return. If he actually wants to be my friend, as he said yesterday, then he should really think of ways to apologize and prove to me he can be a friend. Because while I can forgive him for his actions, I need to see a person who is willing to care about me and my feelings before I let him step back into my world. Step one on the "list". He won't do it. I know he won't because he doesn't like to admit he is wrong, apologize or make amends. Pride is an ugly, ugly trait.
Any way, that is it. I've unlocked the blog, because I'm sure he is done with me.
Of course, now that I think about it, I'm as vain as he is if I think he is bothering with me and my thoughts. He's moved on to a new girl. Really stupid on his part to still be dating when he isn't sure he is over his ex. You have to cut the string, but really cut it and have it cut for a bit before you can actually move on. But maybe he'll succeed where most others fail. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. Any which way, since he is now obsessing over another woman, he won't be bothering with me. Silly of me to think that he would be, actually.
Oh you want to know what he did? Besides all the other shit he's done to me...hahaha. Seriously, it amazes me that he can't see how terribly he has treated me. First, when we were dating, he was talking to his ex-wife. Says he wasn't seriously considering getting back with her and just wanted to see what she was up to, but if that had been the case, he would have told me. He didn't. He accuses me of being dishonest, deceptive and having feelings for a past "boyfriend" but that was what he was doing. Then there was the looking at other women (supposedly not contacting them) online when we were dating. Right after having sex with me one day. I know he was looking at porn, too....so maybe that is why he was checking them out but seriously, he should have just come clean about it. Instead, he lashed out at me (told me I was spying on him) when I told him. Typical behavior actually for him. Lashing out at me when he is the one who has been behaving poorly. This that I knew about, I forgave. Oh and at that time, he was still flirting with his ex. Then, there was the whole being deceptive with me about the girl he was taking to Rosemont. He knew the intent of my question but he purposely deceived me into believing he was going alone. All along, I felt sorry for him with me bailing but instead, he was lying to me. A$$h0le move on his part. (Yeah, yeah, it looks like a curse word, so it is one.) So when I get upset, he calls it a rant. He is supposed to care about me, but yet he lies to me over and over again. The last time was after the Rush concert. He sent a large file to his new gf when we were there. I later asked what girl he was texting. He knew what I meant. He had his hand over the phone as he sent it and he looked guilty. But instead, he threw a bunch of names out there. Of course, her's was one of them, but it was a BS move to decieve me. But the kicker was this. He is asking me to help him sort out his feelings and then asked me how to be a better lover. This after he has screwed around with his new gf. Then, he tries to play it off as, well if I had asked youto be a better dresser...I just want to be a better lover in general. Hello, do you really think I am as stupid as your ex wife. I am a freaking mensa genius..okay. So here is the story, you be a better dresser for public...for appearance, for work, for attracting the opposite sex but other things. You are only a better lover for your lovers! Duh! Really think I am so stupid as to believe that you weren't trying to figure out ways to better please the new woman. Come on! Most people would think that you'd ask someone that if you were trying to get back together with them. That woudl be the only reason you'd do that. I didn't really give it much thought because I already had the list of things he'd have to do before I'd ever consider sleeping with him, and he hadn't even done step one!
Oh yeah, and he thought that if he wanted to have sex with me, I'd do it. Really, I'll kiss him. But sex came off the table the day he got out of bed and looked at other women. It was a long hard road back there after that betrayal. He is so vain.
Lastly and all I have to say about him is this. And, I know you will all be glad to hear it. He talks about not being in love with his ex any more because the person he was in love with no longer exisits. What happens for me isn't quite that. I realize he isn't who I thought he was but still was able to forgive him and care for him...after each time he hurt me. But this time, he killed the part of me that was in love with him. She is gone and will never return. If he actually wants to be my friend, as he said yesterday, then he should really think of ways to apologize and prove to me he can be a friend. Because while I can forgive him for his actions, I need to see a person who is willing to care about me and my feelings before I let him step back into my world. Step one on the "list". He won't do it. I know he won't because he doesn't like to admit he is wrong, apologize or make amends. Pride is an ugly, ugly trait.
Any way, that is it. I've unlocked the blog, because I'm sure he is done with me.
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