Sunny Sunday

I should be doing something...but I'm not.  Only 5 days til I leave for 18 days and I'm lounging around like a teenager.  Some days are just meant for lounging.

On Thursday, Amiga came over for a visit.  It was a lovely one.  We both needed a little healing. I know God is good all the time, but sometimes it feels like He is being extra good to me.  This was one of those times.  She and I have both been so stressed out over life.  We just needed to sit around, commisserate and then just make each other feel better.  It worked wonders.  I forgot how strong we can make each other.

On Friday, I was ill most of the day.  Damn weather changing messed with my sinuses.  I drug my sorry butt to work and planned on not staying.  But knew with the upcoming trip, I had to work.  I got many files together and organized.  I feel like I'm ahead of the schedule...since I normally procrastinate until the last minute!   Then after work, I drug my sick butt shopping.  I hate shopping anyway...so might as well do it when I feel miserable to start with!  It worked.  I got some very cute clothes.  Sometimes I get so excited when I do good...I got 4 pairs of pants and three tops for $150.  I rock.   Friday night, I stayed in and nursed the sickness.  Normally, I'd do the opposite.  Skip working or being responsible to nurse myself and then go out playing.  I was proud of myself for being good.

Saturday was a lousy day.  Snow...yep snow in October!  And then rain, then sleet, then snow.  So my hike and soccer game were canceled.  I spent the time cleaning, cooking (for party) and packing.  Yep, got all my work outfits  planned out and packed for the trip.  I have to try on everything...make sure it matches and is in good shape.  It is time consuming.  But done!  The rest of the packing will probably only take another hour.  I am so staying on top of this!  LOL...wait til Thursday night when I'm freaking out because I forgot x,y, and z! 

The best part of the weekend was Saturday night.  I was a bit anxious about the party.  Oh the party... so I was supposed to go to Sailing Town with my friends that I love with all my heart.  But X was all over me about heading out to a very cool party in Redneckville.  I've heard from Mainer it is the best party of the year and several of my other friends would be there.  So, I called the hostess of Sailing Town party and let her know I was going to bail.  And, the costume that she had thought of for me,  the Beautiful Blonde and her was now not going to happen.  So this past week, I did the research and decided I could pull off being the "Reluctant Candidate"...no other than beauty queen turned politician.   So before the party, I was a bit nervous.   I was nervous about not knowing people at the party.  I was afraid X would go off skirt chasing and I'd feel all alone, etc.  I was afraid people wouldn't get the costume or I'd insult them with my beauty queen sash that read "almost Miss Alaska" then underneath "Governor of Alaska" then underneath "almost VP of US" and then "Reluctant candidate for President".  I was afraid I'd insult people with the costume.  I was worried about the weather.  I was so anxious, I almost did the "safe" thing and went to Sailing Town.  But Mainer callled and nagged me about going to Redneckville.  And, I am sooo glad I did.  I had a blast.  I knew far more people than I thought.  Everyone LOVED my costume (with the right glasses, I'm a dead ringer for the bimbo!)  And, I met new people with ease.  X and I danced half the night.

I'm not sure I understand the deal with X.  He kinda ignored me when he got there - but it could be because I was talking to a girl (Eeoyre) who he had dated.  She is on our team.  It is a weird dynamic between them.  But, he also showed up with another girl.  They have been friends for awhile but not sure what else is there.  At one point, after X and I had danced, she made comments to him that his make up was on my face.  Then, seemed indignant as she told me "I did his make up, you know?!"  I felt taken aback and told her it was just from dancing.  He presses his face against every woman he dances with.  He made a joke...we'll you should see her thighs.  I think I blushed three shades of red.   Any way, I walked away to let him handle her and ended up talking with a guy (Firsty)  from the Team.  He and I get along great.  He went to college in NY, is about the same age, is a bit geeky but funny.  Firsty doesn't like crowds so we were off in the corner chatting and giggling.   Later, X asked me if I was going home with Firsty.  I was completely taken aback.  I couldn't believe he'd ask me such a thing.  For one thing...I don't just randomly go home with guys!  And, I didn't think X was interested in me.  At that point in the night, he was getting a bit intoxicated...so I figure it was the alcohol speaking.  Because later when most of the Team was standing around chatting, X was off with his hands all over some cute girl (not the one he showed up with).  Then, at the very end, he was getting cozy with Eeorye.  As I left, he asked me to find the girl he came with....but she had already left.  I asked if he needed a ride home and he said no he had driven that is why I needed to find the girl he came with.  He definitely needed some sobering up and I tried to get he and Eeorye to go somewhere for food (it was 2:30 am) but they were reluctant...so I left.  By 3 a.m. my phone rang and X wanted to know where I went.  What?  I was almost home...he wanted me to "crash" at his place becuase it was a long drive.  He said he meant to tell me that all night.  What?  Silly drunk boy. 

Today, he called and apologized.  We chatted for a bit.  I think he is a bit messed up.  He had a girl he was smitten with...we call it the one month relationship.  Kinda like what happened with YBBK and I.  Only she wasn't a core part of their group and only messed with his head for a month.  Since then, he's been running around with whomever will have him.  I'm assuming the girl he showed up with is one of them.  I'm guessing this any way.  Not really sure what he wants from me, but I don't trust him. 

Interestingly enough, a few applicants for BF popped up this week - or so I think.  All three are long stories.  One is an old friend from CCC days, who popped back into my life at a random HH with the local group.  We've been chatting because I knew he needed a friend (recently divorced).  He asked me if I'd go out with him when I get back from China.   Then, there is a guy I met a few months back.  Amazingly sexy beyond belief and fun to talk to.  Nothing much ever came of our hanging out but then last week, he asked if we could get together when I get back.  Finally there is Blue Eyes.  I've never been sure if he liked me...but it seems like perhaps he does.  He is a very shy guy and as sweet as they come.  I'm definitely not interested in him so I have to be careful if he actually really likes me.  I never want to hurt him.  

It is funny how my upcoming trip brought all these guys to action.  What is up with that?  Or maybe they saw that I am finally ready to move on?  Could be.  Any which way, I'm very glad I'm going 1/2 way around the world for a few weeks.  The thoughts of men, relationships and sex will all be put on hold for awhile.

Moving right along

Friday night, I decided to go see a band I had heard rave reviews about. X asked me if I wanted to meet him for dinner and drinks ahead of time. So, I did. We went for sushi (which I haven’t had in forever). He let me pick everything out; although, I insisted he chose some pieces, too. I had a good time, as always. He is easy to talk to and we have a lot in common. It is interesting to get to know him. Then, we walked over to the bar where the band was playing. When I went in, it was apparent that I needed to leave my coat in the car. I was shocked when X said he’d walk me back to the car. I totally didn’t expect it. He then teased me about how cold he was “being a gentleman”. I kicked him a couple of times on the walk back to show him how adept I am at taking care of myself when walking to my car. We danced the entire time the band played. It was awesome. It is cute how much X loves music – to sing and dance. He loves women, too. He seemed to let his eyes wander up and down every woman on the dance floor. He flirts a lot, too. It didn’t bother me because I don’t see him as a potential boyfriend. I guess if I did think of him a potential BF before seeing his behavior with other women, I didn’t after that. He didn’t “hit” on anyone and it is nice that he wasn’t trying to be all sneaky about it. But still, I want a guy who sees me and only me. Unless I am hanging with someone that is a long time friend, I almost never “check out” other guys when out with friends. And, I definitely don’t do it when I’m with a boyfriend. I am not secure enough to handle someone doing that to me. But, any which way I look at it, it was a nice evening. The band was absolutely awesome. I will definitely go see them again. And, I’ll hang out with X again.

Saturday night I watched as Little Boy got married. I can’t really call him Little Boy…he was 17 when he started working for me, so he definitely seems like one still to me. I absolutely adore him and want the best for him. As the guys say, “he’s my favorite.” And, probably always will. I met his Mom and I understand why he is the way he is. She did a great job with him. During the wedding and reception, I cried… of course. It was a nice way to “ease” into going to weddings, too. I’ve been to a couple of family ones since my divorce but wasn’t sure I could handle one without my family there. I actually RSVP’d no to many others just because I didn’t want to think about weddings. But this one was different because Little Boy is one of my own and how could I skip it. It was a good night. I took Blue Eyes as my date. He is a good friend and is always respectful of me. I don’t think he considers me as more than a friend and I didn’t lead him on by taking him. I’m pretty sure any way. He’s a good man. But, a little too old, Jewish and a lack of chemistry all say don’t go near it. I don’t want to ruin the friendship or have anyone get hurt.

Sunday was work day. I gotta get ready for my Asia trip - too much stuff to do in a little amount of time. I just stopped writing to call Rudy for an appointment. No way I can be gone for 3 weeks with my hair looking like this!!! LOL. I still need to figure out a costume for Halloween. EEee gads. But, at least I got all the household chores done. Wish I could count on the girls to take care of stuff while I’m away. UGH! It’d be nice to have a man around in times like this. Oh and when I want to get laid…yeah, be nice to have one around then, too!

Silver Lining

So I decided to go to the soccer game with YBBK. It was a lousy day at work and I wasn’t really up for the drive. But, I went any way. Mostly because I told him I’d go. It is important to me to follow through and do things I commit to. I feel this is an indication of character. After the visit, I called my friend Xavier (X) to tell him about the visit. I needed a good friend, who I could trust, to talk to about it.
Any way, it was crappy rain, crappy traffic and crappy parking…as I expected. I hate the capital city! When I got there, I told YBBK that I almost didn’t go. His reply was, “I’m glad you came because other wise I’d have been here alone.” What? I said to X, “I can’t believe he said that. I guess I know where I stand…just better than being alone!” X said, “Well he probably didn’t realize he said it but it is probably true.” I couldn’t agree more.

Then, YBBK spent a good portion of dinner talking about GF. He told me he logically knew it was a bad relationship but he couldn’t help but want to be with her. They had such a good time together. It just stunned me. Really, while you were out with her, having her deceive you or listening to her lie to people and basically turning you into a liar and a co-cheater, you were having a good time. Really, she tarnishes your character and you see that as a good time? You want that in life? No, I didn’t say those things to him but couldn’t believe he didn't see that. It turned my stomach. I told X these things and he replied, “Well, obviously he doesn’t have a problem with liars and cheats.” I laughed because YBBK talked about my deception to him as why he broke it off with me. Of course, I now know that wasn’t the real reason. He just didn’t really care all that much for me. I was just better than being alone.

I listened to YBBK because I knew he needed someone to listen. But, it wasn’t easy for me. I told X that and he said, “We’ve all been there. Used or been used by someone for comfort without really caring how much the other person is being hurt.” My “uh huh,” was followed by X saying, “It doesn’t make it right or any easier to take.”   But he is right; it is the truth.

The soccer game was fun. It was exciting. The rain wasn’t terrible and it was warm out. After wards, I took YBBK to his car. Actually, I had him drive my car there. I thought he knew how absolutely terrified I was to drive in the Capital City. I’m sure I’ve told him numerous times. But, he seemed to have forgotten that. As I dropped him off, he gave me vague directions on how to leave the city. I was terrified. I'm convinced he didn't care enough to see the fear. He was nice enough to ensure I turned on my GPS but then just sent me on my way. I got a little turned around as I left, I knew I would, and was pretty much hysterical by the time I got on the highway. Okay, so even if YBBK had confidence in me to leave the city, he had to know I was unsure.  Yet, did  I ever hear back from him…a call/ a text to check on me…anything? No!! X said he thought it was a bit inconsiderate, too. He told me a story about a similar thing that happened to him.  It always makes me feel better to know I'm not the only person on the planet who is so sensitve.

When I finally found the highway, I called X. He talked me down. We talked for 2-1/2 hours. The first ½ hour was me whining about the night and how I felt used and hurt. X just listened and validated my feelings. I told him my expectation that YBBK will probably go back to dating GF, keep it hidden from me and then eventually get burnt by her - Scorpions don't change their nature.  I told X that I was sad. Sad for YBBK and sad for me for letting myself get wrapped up with someone who doesn’t seem to care about me. It is a hard lesson to learn.

X and I spent the rest of the time chatting about everything else under the sun -work, friends, families, our past, etc. I don’t think X is my next great love. I’m not his type. He likes tall, skinny, very good looking women…none of which would describe me! But, I do love that I have a friend I can call and can depend on. I was there for him a few weeks ago and just the night before last - where we talked for two hours about his work issues. Well that night we talked about ½ hour about work and 1-1/2 hours about other stuff.

But, when he answered the call and said he was watching baseball, I expected him to take the opt out I gave him when I said, “Oh, well I don’t want to interrupt you watching the game.”  He must have recognized the tone in my voice (and maybe realized this was the first time I ever called him) and said, “I’m glad you called. What’s up?” 

So, while I had a very crappy time discovering disappointing things about YBBK’s character…X is my silver lining. Nice to know I have a friend I can rely on.

Weekend update plus some

So now I have to re-write what I wrote about the weekend...but I am feeling lazy about it. Mostly because of things that have happened since.
See, over the weekend I found out YBBK was harboring ill feelings over something that happened in March. I can’t remember what I wrote about it and am feeling to lazy to go back and look. So my fuzzy memory is all I can go off…

Back then, I had just found out he had deceived me and was using me…in my opinion. I woke up one morning and we had sex. I went back to sleep and he went downstairs. Later, he brought me coffee in bed and ran a bath for me. So imagine my horror when I found out he went downstairs and got online to look at his dating website…that he had reactivated his profile on. So of course, I would say, he fucked me, got out of bed, checked out if he had better options and then brought me coffee and spent the day with me. Total using of me. I ended it when I found out what happened. I couldn’t stand the thought that someone could be so deceptive and shitty toward me.

He asked me to still go away with him the next weekend…since we had plans. I couldn’t stand the pain of knowing how deceptive he had been and felt like I could never trust him again. But, tried to be understanding of him not wanting to be alone. I actually called him when he was on his way to apologize and tell him how bad I felt that he’d be there alone. I asked if he had someone with him and who he was meeting there. Never once did he mention a woman he was bringing. When I found out about it…I called and/or texted (not sure which I did first). He chose to ignore me or give a flippant response and that is where I broke. I broke because I felt like he had treated me and was continuing to treat me like whore. Perhaps I deserved it for having slept with him so soon into our relationship. But, again, I don’t think anyone deserves such a thing. But, in the long run, I let my anger govern my actions. I went off on him. It was pent up hurt from everything I had felt he had done to me. I’m sure I called him names including a liar. Not sure I would have been as angry if it hadn’t been for him breaking up with me the first time because I had “glossed over the truth” to him. A lie is a lie and I agreed with him. Yet, here he was doing it back to me 2x over and not thinking it wrong. Injustice infuriates me.

Yes…all this is a rationalization for my behavior…but sometimes we need to understand why we act the way we do. I’m not saying my actions were justified…being mean to someone is never justified. I was wrong but I thought he and we had hashed it over… admitted we had hurt each other and apologized. I thought we had moved past it. I thought he understand where all my hurt had come from and had apologized because he didn’t want to have hurt me. I thought he knew that I hadn’t meant to hurt him and I felt bad for it.

But, I found out that he felt like I had never apologized for it. It blew me away to uncover that.  And it felt so good to reconcile. It felt like we had made huge advances in our friendship and that I could begin to trust him and his intensions. When I first wrote this (and lost it), I felt so good that things were the way they were.

And then last night! I was on evil social networking site and happened to see he had “liked” something of his ex-gfs. Weird…I thought…he had told me over the weekend that he had broke off communication with her. GF had seriously been messing with his head. Dated him, stayed with him made a commitment and then found out her best friend wanted to be her BF. Was most probably in contact with him while she was screwing YBBK and then dropped YBBK like a hot potato and chose her BFF BF. YBBK stayed friends with her and she lied and cheated on the new boyfriend with YBBK. When new boyfriend dumped her ass, she went back to YBBK trying to get him back. What a game she was playing and I thought he realized it. He was hurt but I thought he could see what a cheating whore she was. Don’t get me wrong, she is a sweet girl with my sympathy for her sickness…but a lying cheating whore. She doesn’t know how to be faithful or truthful. And he seemed to “get this” when we talked over the weekend. I felt bad for him but thought it was better that he had seen everything she was.

So, yesterday he asks me to a soccer game and dinner. Cool…I like soccer. But he fails to mention that he took back the GF. Maybe he doesn’t need to tell me these things. Maybe he wasn’t trying to keep it from me/deceive me. But old feelings die hard. When I read he was liking all over her page and the status updates had been generated after he asked me to hang out…I felt deceived.

So, I asked him. He told me that he had taken her back and broke up with her. That he wanted to talk to me about it at the game. What? Couldn’t have told me when he asked me to go. Couldn’t have said, “hey just so you know GF and I are back together.” Why? Why would he want to wait to tell me? Things like that always make me completely suspicious. Did he think I wouldn’t go? Was he really going to tell me? Why the deception?

Maybe I am thinking he is continuing to deceive me because my trust is so dang fragile. I want to trust a man so badly. I want one male friend that I can believe it. It will help me heal and move on. But time and time again…they just seem to fall short. Am I expecting too much?

Weekend update

This weekend was full of interesting discoveries.  I went away with the social group.  YBBK was there.  It's a long story and it just got deleted by this stupid blogger.  I haven't time to rewrite...but will...later....ciao

Another one bites the dust

So, as it turns out, the Admirer was a dud. It turns out he is pretty much like every other guy I've met.  Seems super cool and interested in getting to know me, but then, turns into an asshole.  Not much of a story other than he toldme he was okay with being friends and taking thing slow to see if anything develops.  But one night he comes out with a bunch of friends - not invited by me and I was talking to a friend most of the time.  Mainer, being the moron that he is, implies that the guy I was talking to was more than a friend.  I have no idea why he thought it would be funny to refuse to answer the question or just say, "I don't know," but he didn't.  So the Admirer got the impression there was something going on and decided to start ignoring me.  In the long run, I wasn't too disappointed because it showed the Admirer's true nature.  But, still disappointing to know how fake some people can be.  Especially guys who want to get into my pants....and everyone wonders about my trust issues!  Ha!