Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you. I hate all the immature stuff my siblings have been doing since you left. I'm not sure why they keep acting the way they do. I don't know how to fix it. Lil Sis and Brother have formed an alliance against Oldest Sis and Po. I'm caught in the middle and expect any day now to be "voted off the island". I don't like it. I can't stand it. We need you to help stop it.
You weren't here to help me with Thanksgiving. Who am I fooling - if you were here, I wouldn't have been cooking at my house alone. I ended up calling my Father. He is a pretty good cook and helped me figure out where to find a battery for my mower. So, I guess that is the silver lining of not having you to turn to. But I still miss you.
Boo doesn't talk about you. I didn't have the heart to remind her that today is your birthday. I reminded her about her Dad. I sent him a Happy Birthday email and he replied with a thank you and smiley. I only remember his because it is the same as your's. I already forgot the lying, cheating ex's birthdate! Boo is going to hang out with her Dad before his birthday dinner because the Evil Stepmom made reservations at a retarant that Boo hates. I swear that woman tries to make things difficult for Boo. Kinda reminds me of Dad's evil gf.
I wish you were here so I could call and sing happy birthday to you and ask how it feels to be 70. I wish I could have eaten some of your dressing for Thanksgving. I wish I was picking out your Christmas gifts this year. I wish I didn't feel like I'm the only one who remembers your birthday today.
I miss you. I love you.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wiped Out!
I am officially wiped out and totally not ready to go back to work tomorrow. I got most of the "stuff" off the list completed. But, the really important stuff...to me, to nourish my soul, still is left undone. I wanted to write..write all about my journey and the discoveries I have made along the day. I wanted to download and print the pictures. I wanted to spend hours on my motorcycle (did take a quick spin to make sure she was running okay). I wanted to clear everything inside me before I let the guys back in, but I let responsibilities(laundry, cooking T-day, cleaning, yardwork) get in the way.
I did, however, spend time with those I love and missed during my trip. I went to trivia on Monday and had a most wonderful time. I love my team and will always be sure to make time for it. X actually called and asked me to have dinner with him prior to trivia, so I blew off Mainer, who wanted to ride out and back together and went to dinner with X. We had a fun time. I still don't and probably never will trust him though. He will always only be a friend. Of course, during the game, the whole team had a blast. We all get along so well. X actually got funny about Firsty during the game. Making remarks about how "close" we were acting. He even texted me later, telling me he was going to ask me to hang out after the game but I seemed awful comfy with Firsty. Whatever. Sounds jealous to me. LOL.
Tuesday I went to dinner with Apricot. She and I get along great. She's gone through some rough times...not that she didn't bring it on herself. When you let someone deceive you, they will. But she is a beautiful, smart and wonderful person to be around. So I love spending time with her. She made a comment about how YBBK would tell me what I wanted to hear. It really wasn't directed at him but her ex and the type of guy they both are (my observation, not hers). The type of guy who doesn't want you, will use you, yet won't let you go. He will continue to say what you want to hear, just so he can keep you around. I'm not sure what the motivation is...whether it is ego or just a need to have someone like us (she or I) around. Any way, it was yet another eye opener for me. Over the course of the weekend, I've realized a few things about YBBK. I'm pretty sure he has never loved me. It was all about conquest and control for him. He acted a certain way that won me over. But it was never about me. It was about getting his ex back...showing her he could get a girlfriend and making her jealous. The minute it worked, he pushed me away. Then when he realized she was using him, he pulled me back. He knows what to say to endear me to him. He used me. I know this for sure because he is considering getting back with the girl who he knows has lied and deceived him. He claimed this was the issue between us...that I lied. But that is BS...because she didn't just lie once. She has lied to him and everyone around her over and over and over again. She quotes the bible to manipulate people. She is a deceiver's deceiver. He sees it but still wants to be with her. It is proof to me that he never cared for me and used that one incident as a BS line to break it off with me. He is a maniuplator of the worst kind and deserves the Blonde with all her lies. He hears what he wants to hear from her. Of course, Apricot didn't tell me any of this...it's been mulling around in my brain since Tuesday. I've re-read all his texts and have come to realize what a master manipulator he can be. If he truly cares for me, then he just must be an emotional trainwreck and I've unjustly judged him. But, I find that hard to believe. It has always been about him.
Any way, on Wednesday, I spent the day and evening with Firsty. He came over to make T-day dessert (cheesecake due to Boo's request) and hang out with me. It was actually perfect...he had asked if I wanted to hang out and it was the only day we both had free. When I told him I had to get the cheesecake made, instead of asking to do something after, he said, "you want me to come help?" He couldn't have had a more perfect response. We had a great time. He said he was going home at 9:30 p.m. but at 11:15 we were still talking. It is nice to have someone I can talk to like that. I trust him implicitly. He is the type of guy who will never lie to me. I can tell. Of course, in part, because he is such a nerd and a bit socially awkward. But mostly because he is the type that would never consider deception as an acceptable behavior. He is a good person. I think he likes me...actually Preacher told me she thought so too. I'm going to see him next week, too.
Thursday was wonderful. Just Boo, the puppers, the turkey and me! I let her invite Loser Boy over for dessert. I told her it was because it was Thanksgiving and I'm a Christian. He is maturing...but still not there. I will keep trying to forgive him and accept him, but still pray she'll get tired of him and find a boy who she can rely on. After dessert, BoyCrazy came over. Actually, she has been hot and bothered about the same guy for awhile now. We hung out, drank wine and chatted all night. She slept over and we went to the movies on Friday. I wouldn't have picked the movie but it was what she wanted to see. Funny, the Beautiful Blonde talks about BoyCrazy as being dominating and everything having to be her way. It is true about that. I can only tolerate her in small doses, but I did miss seeing her and wanted to spend some time with her.
Friday night, I made the haul out to Redneck town. I hung out with the Preacher and the Teacher. We had a wonderful time chatting, drinking, eating and just plain catching up. Preacher went to see the last ancient wonder of the world while I was in China. It was very cool to talk about our trips. She intelligent and an amazingly loving person. I like being around her.
Saturday I was exhausted. I did nothing. I should have went to see some more friends, but jet lag and chores (Friday afternoon I spent the entire time cleaning up leaves) must have left me a bit under the weather. I couldn't convince myself to go out. So, I slept, chilled and watched a few movies.
Today, I had JIT come over for breakfast. He is such a sweet guy. He is so sensitve and most people don't quite understand him. He's a bit naive, too. But I've always understood and cared about him. We hung out for few hours. Then, Arpricot came over to be sure her dog will get along with puppers. When she travels later this month, I told her she can leave him here. I think it will work out great.
I managed to get the battery changed in the lawn mower. I am such a pussy. I've put it off and put it off...aftraid I wouldn't be able to do it...afraid it would be too hard to take the screw out or I wouldn't know where to buy the battery. When I talked to Dad on T-day, he mentioned a car parts store. There is one less than a mile away. So, after raking up pine needles, I decided to undertake the task and in less than 45 minutes, i had finished. Silly girl! It was easy as pie (with the pillsbury pie crusts...not making one from scratch because that shit aint easy!). Any way, one more task that I don't need a man for! Yip Yoo!
I wish I had another day to spend on myself. Getting my head on straight and really understanding what I want before I start dealing with men. I've had texts from Irressistible Man since I left. He is back and town and wants to see me. And, there is Firsty. Oh, I haven't even mentioned CC, who took me to the airport, picked me up and did tea with on Wednesday...hmmmm...guess that tells me where he places in the BF applicant line. Oh yeah, have I mentioned the guy who used to work for me, who quit when I left for China (got a great offer elsewhere - totally don't blame him) but has kept in touch because he wants to meet me for drinks. Then there is GEH...he is always around. He has been texting all week worried about me and T-day without Mom. He misses his Mom and knows I'd feel the same way. He shocked me by offering hockey tickets for a boy I am buying Christmas gifts for. I had just asked him what to buy becuase his son is the same age. He is so sweet. I know he cares about me but the distance and such makes anything more impossible. I don't think he'll ever let go, unless I tell him too. Which, I'm sure I will have to do if I ever decide to date someone seriously. Any way, I'm not sure what I want and not sure I'm ready to deal with it. But, I did take November off and its time to consider the possibilities.
In other news. A good friend of mine, actually a couple broke up this weekend. I am friends with both the guy and girl. I was closer with the guy...always the way with me. But their break up is so very sad to me. I thought they were perfect for each other. This is so surprising. He seems angry and she seems hurt. I hate seeing that since it has been close to a year for them. I thought they were going to make it. Perhaps they still will. All I can do is love them through it.
Finally and most significantly...the thing that will torment me this week. Wednesday is Mom's birthday. She would have turned 70 this year. I miss her. Although, I finally went into one of "her boxes" to find her recipe box to get the cheesecake recipe (for Boo...I'd walk over coals for Boo). I happened to be talking to Po and asked her about a recipe. She reminded me that Mom had one and she would look it up when she got home. She had Mom's old recipe box and said Lil Sis had her "new one" (that Po had rewritten). I said, "No, I have it. I took it." So, I dug through the box and pulled out Mom's recipe box. I made the cheesecake (that turned out amazing btw!) and put the recipe box with mine. I will never comingle them...well, maybe someday...for Boo. Any way, I'm not sure the best way to deal with Wednesday. I don't want to be alone. My heart aches.
I did, however, spend time with those I love and missed during my trip. I went to trivia on Monday and had a most wonderful time. I love my team and will always be sure to make time for it. X actually called and asked me to have dinner with him prior to trivia, so I blew off Mainer, who wanted to ride out and back together and went to dinner with X. We had a fun time. I still don't and probably never will trust him though. He will always only be a friend. Of course, during the game, the whole team had a blast. We all get along so well. X actually got funny about Firsty during the game. Making remarks about how "close" we were acting. He even texted me later, telling me he was going to ask me to hang out after the game but I seemed awful comfy with Firsty. Whatever. Sounds jealous to me. LOL.
Tuesday I went to dinner with Apricot. She and I get along great. She's gone through some rough times...not that she didn't bring it on herself. When you let someone deceive you, they will. But she is a beautiful, smart and wonderful person to be around. So I love spending time with her. She made a comment about how YBBK would tell me what I wanted to hear. It really wasn't directed at him but her ex and the type of guy they both are (my observation, not hers). The type of guy who doesn't want you, will use you, yet won't let you go. He will continue to say what you want to hear, just so he can keep you around. I'm not sure what the motivation is...whether it is ego or just a need to have someone like us (she or I) around. Any way, it was yet another eye opener for me. Over the course of the weekend, I've realized a few things about YBBK. I'm pretty sure he has never loved me. It was all about conquest and control for him. He acted a certain way that won me over. But it was never about me. It was about getting his ex back...showing her he could get a girlfriend and making her jealous. The minute it worked, he pushed me away. Then when he realized she was using him, he pulled me back. He knows what to say to endear me to him. He used me. I know this for sure because he is considering getting back with the girl who he knows has lied and deceived him. He claimed this was the issue between us...that I lied. But that is BS...because she didn't just lie once. She has lied to him and everyone around her over and over and over again. She quotes the bible to manipulate people. She is a deceiver's deceiver. He sees it but still wants to be with her. It is proof to me that he never cared for me and used that one incident as a BS line to break it off with me. He is a maniuplator of the worst kind and deserves the Blonde with all her lies. He hears what he wants to hear from her. Of course, Apricot didn't tell me any of this...it's been mulling around in my brain since Tuesday. I've re-read all his texts and have come to realize what a master manipulator he can be. If he truly cares for me, then he just must be an emotional trainwreck and I've unjustly judged him. But, I find that hard to believe. It has always been about him.
Any way, on Wednesday, I spent the day and evening with Firsty. He came over to make T-day dessert (cheesecake due to Boo's request) and hang out with me. It was actually perfect...he had asked if I wanted to hang out and it was the only day we both had free. When I told him I had to get the cheesecake made, instead of asking to do something after, he said, "you want me to come help?" He couldn't have had a more perfect response. We had a great time. He said he was going home at 9:30 p.m. but at 11:15 we were still talking. It is nice to have someone I can talk to like that. I trust him implicitly. He is the type of guy who will never lie to me. I can tell. Of course, in part, because he is such a nerd and a bit socially awkward. But mostly because he is the type that would never consider deception as an acceptable behavior. He is a good person. I think he likes me...actually Preacher told me she thought so too. I'm going to see him next week, too.
Thursday was wonderful. Just Boo, the puppers, the turkey and me! I let her invite Loser Boy over for dessert. I told her it was because it was Thanksgiving and I'm a Christian. He is maturing...but still not there. I will keep trying to forgive him and accept him, but still pray she'll get tired of him and find a boy who she can rely on. After dessert, BoyCrazy came over. Actually, she has been hot and bothered about the same guy for awhile now. We hung out, drank wine and chatted all night. She slept over and we went to the movies on Friday. I wouldn't have picked the movie but it was what she wanted to see. Funny, the Beautiful Blonde talks about BoyCrazy as being dominating and everything having to be her way. It is true about that. I can only tolerate her in small doses, but I did miss seeing her and wanted to spend some time with her.
Friday night, I made the haul out to Redneck town. I hung out with the Preacher and the Teacher. We had a wonderful time chatting, drinking, eating and just plain catching up. Preacher went to see the last ancient wonder of the world while I was in China. It was very cool to talk about our trips. She intelligent and an amazingly loving person. I like being around her.
Saturday I was exhausted. I did nothing. I should have went to see some more friends, but jet lag and chores (Friday afternoon I spent the entire time cleaning up leaves) must have left me a bit under the weather. I couldn't convince myself to go out. So, I slept, chilled and watched a few movies.
Today, I had JIT come over for breakfast. He is such a sweet guy. He is so sensitve and most people don't quite understand him. He's a bit naive, too. But I've always understood and cared about him. We hung out for few hours. Then, Arpricot came over to be sure her dog will get along with puppers. When she travels later this month, I told her she can leave him here. I think it will work out great.
I managed to get the battery changed in the lawn mower. I am such a pussy. I've put it off and put it off...aftraid I wouldn't be able to do it...afraid it would be too hard to take the screw out or I wouldn't know where to buy the battery. When I talked to Dad on T-day, he mentioned a car parts store. There is one less than a mile away. So, after raking up pine needles, I decided to undertake the task and in less than 45 minutes, i had finished. Silly girl! It was easy as pie (with the pillsbury pie crusts...not making one from scratch because that shit aint easy!). Any way, one more task that I don't need a man for! Yip Yoo!
I wish I had another day to spend on myself. Getting my head on straight and really understanding what I want before I start dealing with men. I've had texts from Irressistible Man since I left. He is back and town and wants to see me. And, there is Firsty. Oh, I haven't even mentioned CC, who took me to the airport, picked me up and did tea with on Wednesday...hmmmm...guess that tells me where he places in the BF applicant line. Oh yeah, have I mentioned the guy who used to work for me, who quit when I left for China (got a great offer elsewhere - totally don't blame him) but has kept in touch because he wants to meet me for drinks. Then there is GEH...he is always around. He has been texting all week worried about me and T-day without Mom. He misses his Mom and knows I'd feel the same way. He shocked me by offering hockey tickets for a boy I am buying Christmas gifts for. I had just asked him what to buy becuase his son is the same age. He is so sweet. I know he cares about me but the distance and such makes anything more impossible. I don't think he'll ever let go, unless I tell him too. Which, I'm sure I will have to do if I ever decide to date someone seriously. Any way, I'm not sure what I want and not sure I'm ready to deal with it. But, I did take November off and its time to consider the possibilities.
In other news. A good friend of mine, actually a couple broke up this weekend. I am friends with both the guy and girl. I was closer with the guy...always the way with me. But their break up is so very sad to me. I thought they were perfect for each other. This is so surprising. He seems angry and she seems hurt. I hate seeing that since it has been close to a year for them. I thought they were going to make it. Perhaps they still will. All I can do is love them through it.
Finally and most significantly...the thing that will torment me this week. Wednesday is Mom's birthday. She would have turned 70 this year. I miss her. Although, I finally went into one of "her boxes" to find her recipe box to get the cheesecake recipe (for Boo...I'd walk over coals for Boo). I happened to be talking to Po and asked her about a recipe. She reminded me that Mom had one and she would look it up when she got home. She had Mom's old recipe box and said Lil Sis had her "new one" (that Po had rewritten). I said, "No, I have it. I took it." So, I dug through the box and pulled out Mom's recipe box. I made the cheesecake (that turned out amazing btw!) and put the recipe box with mine. I will never comingle them...well, maybe someday...for Boo. Any way, I'm not sure the best way to deal with Wednesday. I don't want to be alone. My heart aches.
Friday, November 18, 2011
One more day
The wall was everything I thought it would be. As I walked up to it (about a half hour walk up a billion stairs) all I could think about was dragging the material to build it up the moutain. As I walked along it, I wondered about the building techniques they employed in the Middle Ages to make it stand the test of time. As I looked and saw it stretch in both directions, up and down the mountain ridge, as far as the eye could see, I wondered how many laborers it took. What an amazing engineering feat! I took like 300 photos...I couldn't help myself. We were late getting to lunch and subsquently, barely made it to our flights on time. I think I would have missed my flight, had it not been delayed due to "mechanical issues." Not the most reassuring to know my plane in China has mechanical issues! I've seen Chinese "rework" first hand! LOL!!
Every day is a new discovery here. I love that...if not discovering some historical information, perhaps cultural norms or behavior, seeing something beautiful and "famous" or just learning something new about myself...like what I value in my friends and lovers. Not that I have a Chinese lover...although, the Taiwanese men seem drawn to me like moths to a flame. In China, the men were very friendly and kind toward me. But in Taiwan, they flirt outrageously and stare at me when they think I won't notice. I've learned to understand the word for pretty. One asked today if my daughter was as beautiful as I am. I told him she was far more beautiful. He told me it was not possible. I'm not sure why they find me so pretty - the women here are stunning. But, perhaps it is my "red" (is it really red?) hair. Or maybe my cheerful disposition. When I was buying a camera yesterday (lost mine - not sure how!), the man who owned the store told HC that I seemed to be smiling even though my camera was gone and I had to buy a new one. She told him that I understood these things happen and there is no use being upset over it. He said he thought I was smiling because I knew I looked pretty when I smiled. At first she wouldn't tell me what he said, but I had told her he said something about pretty. So she confessed...thinking I'd feel slighted. I laughed and told her that it is hard to feel slighted in a foreign culture - part of the reason I loved it here. She understood because she went to school in the US as a foreigner.
I have come to realize that what I want in a lover is someone who takes care of me. I've found the Chinese and Taiwanese men all to be caregivers toward me. Not that they are all that way with their mates - perhaps because I am a guest and they feel that way toward their guests. But as Double L took me all over China - insisted on carrying my bags (or telling his subordinates to do so), made sure I had enough to eat, got to my room okay, had every need taken care of, I realized that I adored that trait in others. Both Double L and Kz are honest men and they made sure I was protected and cared for. I will always feel a strong bond of friendship for them. It is that type of person that I will one day fall in love with. Someone who is honorable and caring. I now know exactly what I want in a man and why I am attracted to certain types of men. I would have never thought that would be something I'd discover on such a trip.
Tomorrow is my last day. I haven't written as much as I wanted and am hoping my notes will help me to record everything. I know they are inadequate, though. Also, I know that next week won't give me as much time as I think I'll have because I've already made "dates" half the week away! My friends are looking forward to my return...I am sooo sooo sooo blessed!
Tomorrow will be a day of pampering thanks to HC. She figured I had already visited many of the cultural aspects of Taichung area - Lugong, Sun moon lake, night market, and the art show (that she took me to yesterday). So she said we'd do a girl's day - spa and sushi! It will be too much fun. But after that, I'll be ready to go home. I'm not as physically tired as I was the last trip but, I'm worn out emotionally and intellectually and need my week off to recover.
Xie Xie Zhōng guó
Every day is a new discovery here. I love that...if not discovering some historical information, perhaps cultural norms or behavior, seeing something beautiful and "famous" or just learning something new about myself...like what I value in my friends and lovers. Not that I have a Chinese lover...although, the Taiwanese men seem drawn to me like moths to a flame. In China, the men were very friendly and kind toward me. But in Taiwan, they flirt outrageously and stare at me when they think I won't notice. I've learned to understand the word for pretty. One asked today if my daughter was as beautiful as I am. I told him she was far more beautiful. He told me it was not possible. I'm not sure why they find me so pretty - the women here are stunning. But, perhaps it is my "red" (is it really red?) hair. Or maybe my cheerful disposition. When I was buying a camera yesterday (lost mine - not sure how!), the man who owned the store told HC that I seemed to be smiling even though my camera was gone and I had to buy a new one. She told him that I understood these things happen and there is no use being upset over it. He said he thought I was smiling because I knew I looked pretty when I smiled. At first she wouldn't tell me what he said, but I had told her he said something about pretty. So she confessed...thinking I'd feel slighted. I laughed and told her that it is hard to feel slighted in a foreign culture - part of the reason I loved it here. She understood because she went to school in the US as a foreigner.
I have come to realize that what I want in a lover is someone who takes care of me. I've found the Chinese and Taiwanese men all to be caregivers toward me. Not that they are all that way with their mates - perhaps because I am a guest and they feel that way toward their guests. But as Double L took me all over China - insisted on carrying my bags (or telling his subordinates to do so), made sure I had enough to eat, got to my room okay, had every need taken care of, I realized that I adored that trait in others. Both Double L and Kz are honest men and they made sure I was protected and cared for. I will always feel a strong bond of friendship for them. It is that type of person that I will one day fall in love with. Someone who is honorable and caring. I now know exactly what I want in a man and why I am attracted to certain types of men. I would have never thought that would be something I'd discover on such a trip.
Tomorrow is my last day. I haven't written as much as I wanted and am hoping my notes will help me to record everything. I know they are inadequate, though. Also, I know that next week won't give me as much time as I think I'll have because I've already made "dates" half the week away! My friends are looking forward to my return...I am sooo sooo sooo blessed!
Tomorrow will be a day of pampering thanks to HC. She figured I had already visited many of the cultural aspects of Taichung area - Lugong, Sun moon lake, night market, and the art show (that she took me to yesterday). So she said we'd do a girl's day - spa and sushi! It will be too much fun. But after that, I'll be ready to go home. I'm not as physically tired as I was the last trip but, I'm worn out emotionally and intellectually and need my week off to recover.
Xie Xie Zhōng guó
Saturday, November 12, 2011
One more dream...
Today I go see the wall...actually we leave in about 15 minutes. I should be checking out of the hotel...
This trip has been amazing...well, other than the work and very long days. There is so much to see and such clarity in my brain when I'm removed from all the distractions of my world. I would love to do this the rest of my life...visit places, see, hear and feel and then record it. I'm too busy to record it in writing as it deserves. I'm taking notes in hope of writing when I get back. I do hope I can fulfill that. It would just be for me...for a hobby...although, my lifelong passion.
Onto the wall...I know I'm gonna cry when I see it!
This trip has been amazing...well, other than the work and very long days. There is so much to see and such clarity in my brain when I'm removed from all the distractions of my world. I would love to do this the rest of my life...visit places, see, hear and feel and then record it. I'm too busy to record it in writing as it deserves. I'm taking notes in hope of writing when I get back. I do hope I can fulfill that. It would just be for me...for a hobby...although, my lifelong passion.
Onto the wall...I know I'm gonna cry when I see it!
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