S.A.D.

I’m starting to get depressed and I’m not sure how to fix it. I know a lack of sunlight is part of the problem (SAD). Also, I am having major stomach issues. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do to fix them. I stopped eating and that seemed to make the issue worse. But eating little tiny meals throughout the day helped at first but not any more. I don’t want to go to the doctor and get a “fix it” pill. I just want to be normal again. I feel like if I could get outside and exercise more, I’ll be better. But it will be a few more weeks until the weather gets warmer and the sun is out longer and I can go outside after work. I tried a couple of times last week and it seemed to help…a little. I’m thinking of purchasing a sunlamp to help out.


In the mean time, I can’t seem to focus at work or home. I feel distracted and uneasy. I either don’t sleep at all or sleep 14 hours. Saturday night was 14 hours. Last night was not at all. Of course, Firsty was in bed with me Saturday night –which explains why I didn’t get out of bed Sunday morning. He seems to be able to sleep much longer than I can. I haven’t met many people who do that. I need to learn to get up when he is in bed still. But, I didn’t want to lose out on cuddle time, either.

I’m getting ready for a party that I’m hosting at my house on Friday. I kinda got suckered into it. I don’t mind doing it but do mind the fact that the person I’m doing for can be downright inconsiderate. She “volunteered” to make breakfast at my place the next day for those sleeping over. I did open up the place for over night but she never asked me if she could cook in my kitchen. From talking to a few people, seems like only us Italians have issue with letting someone else cook in our kitchen. I’m trying to be gracious but damn – that woman needs to learn some social graces! So frustrating.

Any way, I’m looking forward to spring – I know 2 more months! But I’m sure everything will be much better then. Except, I want to feel better – right now!

This past weekend

I’m not sure if I’ve been fighting a bug or what but, I’ve been exhausted. Friday night I fell asleep at 9:30 p.m.. I literally could not keep my eyes open. I was supposed to go to the Preacher’s house for a girls wine night. She invited Firsty to join us because he is “cool and acceptable” to invade a girl’s night. He was willing to drop me off and pick me up so I wouldn’t have to drive back to his place, even though I said I’d just stay at Preacher’s house. He is the sweetest guy ever. I didn’t know that was his plan…but when I told Preacher that I was going to head to his place first, she invited him. Then he told me of his original plan. But after we went to visit his mom (who is soo sweet!) and had dinner, I was exhausted. My eyes hurt. So I cancelled on Preacher and headed back to Firsty’s. He put a movie on but before the credits were finished I was sound asleep. I slept til 11 a.m. the next day. Who needs 14 hours sleep?!?! Then, on Saturday afternoon, I took a nap! Yes I did.

Saturday night was a party in Sailing Town. It was the first time that Firsty met most of my friends. He really liked them. And, all the ladies had glowing reports about him. Of course, he is oober sweet, so I knew they’d like him. I wasn’t really all that worried about introducing him to everyone – because I know they’d like him and he them. But I was worried about him mingling and me needing to keep him by my side. But everyone seemed to get along well and he is looking forward to seeing them again.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling sick. I think it was because I had agreed to undertake project “cheer up homesick freshman”. My cousin had called to tell me her daughter who went to college in the District of Corruption was homesick. I asked what I could do and she said to drive into town and take her shopping. Yes – two of the things I hate most. Shopping and driving in the district! I’m pretty sure that is why I was feeling so ill. Firsty sat with me and helped me map out my route. He volunteered to come along but I knew he had commitments of his own and it wouldn’t be right to make him come along. He actually made me tea and was trying to get me to eat toast or something to help my stomach. He is the most caring person I’ve ever been with. He genuinely means it. I can tell. So, he helped me figure out the easiest way in and out and off I went. As it turned out, I felt fine driving there. We went to Target – thank goodness it was “need based” shopping and not the wander around the mall type! We had lunch, which she was so grateful for because her campus food is lousy. Then the whamie! She informed me of part of the plan that I didn’t’ know about. She had met me at a location that wasn’t on her campus. They have two campuses and had picked a spot on the other campus to meet me. So I had to drive her back to her dorm – which meant my evacuation plan was kyboshed! I had never been so thankful for my Garman. And, I decided, for once, to blindly obey it. And, not only did it get me out of the city, but it even avoided the ghettos and took me to a road I knew! I felt so cosmopolitan! Hahaha!

It is interesting. Every time I undertake something outside my comfort zone, in particular to help others, I always end up in a much better place. I didn’t just feel good about helping my “niece” but I felt better about driving in the District of Corruption…one of the scariest places in the world for me. I know, I have no problem traveling all over the world by myself, but put me 20 miles from home and I’m terrified. But, as my past has shown me, when I undertake something with Christian intentions, I am blessed. God is amazing.

There are people out there that spew the bible and proclaim to be Christians, but don’t follow Christ. I try not to judge (cuz that is against the rules as spelled out a couple different places in the New Testament!) but feel like they just don’t get it. They recite bible passages but lie. They go to church but cheat. They tell others what they are doing wrong, but they themselves don’t help those in need. And because of it, I think they miss the whole point. They miss the blessings. Every time I’ve ever given someone a place to live – C2 and the Other Daughter, I’ve been blessed 100x over by their presence. And, when I’ve gone to love and accept those less fortunate (DR- 3x), I’ve learned love and acceptance in ways I’ve never thought possible. When I did a small mission of mercy, to take care of a frustrated freshman, I gained confidence. Every time the same result – I get back so much more than I gave. My Lord is good!

Sick

I was sick last week and over the weekend.  It was miserable.  Saturday night, I was so worried, I thought by Monday morning I"d have to go in for a chest x-ray to see if I had pnuemonia.  But I slept most of the day Sunday (after being blown off by Rachie) and by Monday morning, I was feeling better.   I spent most of the weekend with Firsty - I went to his place so he could take care of me.  He is the sweetest guy I've ever met!

Monday was the one year anniversary of Mom's passing.  I was pretty sad, but kept busy.  i didn't mention it to my friends because I didn't want to dwell on it.  Instead, I let them entertain me and that they did.  Trivia was a blast - especially since Mainer is gone!  Preacher, Preacher Kid, Firsty and I had a blast!  Too much fun to play with them.  I do miss Mom though. Sometimes it feels like I just lost her yesterday and other times it feels like it's been 10 years since we spoke.  Oh, that reminds me, I need to call Dad!  LOL.

There was something else I wanted to write about, but I can't remember.  Guess I'm just tuckered out from being out the last few nights.  Last night was ladies night out in Sailing Town.  What a hoot!   I love those girls. 

Betrayed

I've been betrayed, yet again.  I wish I could say that I am absolutely shocked this time but I'm not the least bit surprised.   I'm not sure how I attract such people to me, but I need to understand it and do a better job of not letting this happen in the future. 

I've written about Mainer before.  He and I hung out quite a bit.  I was there for him before he met his last girlfriend.  Then when he got together with her, he ignored me (and all his friends).   When she dumped him, he came crying back to me.  Of course, I welcomed him and consoled him.  I spent many hours listening to him complain about all the injustices she had done to him.  I was there for him.  I invited him out to play with my trivia team to give him something to do.  I always answered his calls and texts.  Then he started dating his current girlfriend and he disappeared again.  No surprise there.  But what he did to the trivia team - a group of people who welcomed him with open arms and were there for him made me realize what a selfish douchebag he really is.  I knew he was self absorbed but still gave him a shoulder to cry on.  But I never thought he'd treat the team the way he did and then justify his behavior.  I feel like a big jerk for caring for him and an even bigger one for introducing him to the team.  Most of the members have let it slide off their back. X is pissed off.  Like me, he is a competitor and has a sense of "team" from a sports point of view.  He believes you shouldn't treat your teammates in such a way.  And, he has a sense of loyalty toward his friends and thinks you shouldn't treat your friends that way.  He and I have talked for hours about it.  He is just as hurt as I am.  I know the Spiritual Adviser (aka Preacher) is right when she says, "It is for the best. And, the drama that we didn't need is now gone."  But I still can't help but feel hurt and betrayed.  Mainer is no friend of mine.   I will no longer give him the time of day.  He is DTM.

Worth the wait

I have been relatively quiet about Firsty. Because, as usual, when I am quiet, it is because things are progressing well and I’m terrified to break the spell. I will only briefly mention things about him because I don’t want to break the spell or break his trust.

We exchanged Christmas gifts and he totally spoiled me with chocolates, cashmere scarves, gloves, bath salts and two necklaces. I couldn’t believe he had bought me so many things. He also got a card. I felt like a heal because while I bought him some very thoughtful presents, I hadn’t gotten him a card. I so rarely think of cards these days. His card said, “More than yesterday, less than tomorrow…” open card “I love you. Merry Christmas.” Hand written was “here’s to our first Christmas together.” It was the first time he indicated he loved me. He is the quiet type, so I’m not surprised he did it in that way. I teared up when I read it.

We stayed in contact while I was in Mexico and made plans for NYE. When I got home, we were planning on going to a party with my Sailing Town group. But, the travel people changed my flights, the party was in a different location than I had thought and after driving the beautiful blonde home, I had no desire to go out again. He understood that – actually he had anticipated it. He brought over some snacks (knowing I’d have no food in the house after being gone so long) and champagne. We spent the evening snuggling on the couch. For the first time in years, I watched the ball drop. Dang Dick Clark looks old…and it is sad to see him because he has had a stroke. A good reminder in the wake of New Year to not take anything for granted.

We talk for hours and never seem to grow bored of each other. He is very observant of my reaction to things and exteremely understanding. I think he actually loves me. I know, I second guess everyone all the time and am trying not to. I do adore him and want to trust him. He does seem like “what you see is what you get” like my friends tell me. But, I am still scared. I’ve been betrayed by those people that I thought I could trust in the past. So I am cautious. He understands that and my insecurity and doesn’t get frustrated with me.

I think he said it all when he said to me, “I had to wait 47 years for this….but it is totally worth the wait.”

Perfect Peace

From Christmas Eve until New Year’s Eve, I spent the week in sunny Mexico on the beaches of the Riveria Mayan (between Cancun and Playa del Carmen). It was a beautiful week of sunshine, lazy days and good food. The beautiful blonde was my travel companion. She is a lot of fun and seems to understand my need for “alone” time. I learned a lot about her during the trip. I learned a lot about myself, too.

For the first time in a long time, I was completely at peace. I’m not sure if it has to do with finally forgiving the ex, the sunshine and much needed relaxation (i.e. away from work), the book I was reading or a combination of all three. I’m pretty sure it was the combination.

The book is about 3 girls in their late 20’s who decide to put their lives on a one year hiatus and travel around the world. They started in South America, then Africa, then South East Asia. I have been to several of the places they’ve visited, done some of the things they’ve done and desire to replicate some of their adventures (i.e. hike the Inca trail to Machu Picchu). I could really identify with the authors and their travels. While reading about it, I realized that without the break up with the ex, I would have never been able to see and do some of the things I have. He would have never let me go to Kenya and experience a wedding, the capital city, a safari and time at the beach. My mission trips to the Dominican Republic would have never been on the radar screen. The last two trips to China would most likely have been cut short and The Wall would have went unseen. My love for photography would have lain dormant. I’m sure of all of this. I have truly begun to understand the statement “from the ashes He will create beauty.”  Something the Christian Counselor told me years ago. Something that I’ve been waiting to experience and finally have.

I realized that I have travel companions. I no longer need to find someone willing to adventure outside the country with me. I can call several different people whenever the wanderlust strikes. I have a beautiful daughter, a cute albeit annoying dog that isn’t mine, friends I can rely on and (finally found one) a handyman I can trust. I am perfectly content with this wonderful beautiful life that God has blessed me with. The life that He created when I thought none would come. A life that is not centered around a man and his desires but around my heart, my soul and all those that are dear to it. I am at perfect peace with my world!