Ghosts of relationships past

Saturday night was an interesting one. Besides being asked about Firsty by half of my gfs, a three of my favorite ghosts of past were there.

First was PG. He shows up in line behind me and says my name. I hug him and then realize he is with a girl. I quickly pull away and turn back around. She says my name and I realize it is one of my new friends…Spunky. She is a little pip who’s cute and funny and maybe even smart – haven’t figured out that last part yet but I think she is brighter than the average female in the Sailing town social group. Any way, I realize it is her and feel bad for snubbing her. She is all excited she is on a date with PG. Later in the evening, he is ignoring her and talking to all the other women. He does seem to fashion himself quite the ladies man…maybe not but he does like talking to all the other women and she is upset. I don’t blame her for feeling snubbed but instead of just having a good time without him, she gets upset. Now, it was her idea to go to the venue in the first place but I think she expected since he decided to take her, he was going to pay attention to her. It reminded me of why I got exasperated with hanging out with him. So sweet and attentive when he wants to be but easily distracted by a pretty face. Any way, I still like PG as a person and wish him the best. I adore Spunky and hope it works out the best for both of them. But, it was confirming to see that he is the way he is and it wasn’t something wrong with me that made him act that way when we hung out.

Second was Mainer. I ignored him. X ignored him (for the most part). If Preacher and Sparkle were there, they’d have ignored him. I have no desire to interact with him. I have no desire to have him any where in my life. I don’t wish him harm and am glad to see he is working things out with his girl. But I don’t want anything to do with him. I actually instinctively protected him or maybe it was X. But at one point, X looks at Mainer and says, “You ready?! Let’s go Mainer!” I jumped in front of X, put my hands on his (oh so lovely) chest and said, “No.” He said part to me and part to Mainer, “I think it’s time.” He must have saw the panic in my face because X looked down, smiled and said, “Don’t worry.” X is tall, lean and athletic; Mainer is not. X is capable of fighting. I could kick Mainer’s butt with one hand tied behind my back. X wouldn’t ever do anything to him. But, it totally freaked me out – at the time. It’s funny now. X was just joking. I never did look at Mainer’s face to see what he thought.

Third was YBBK. I don’t get him. One minute he acts like he wants to be friends and the next minute he takes this fake condescending tone with me. As if our relationship is completely strained. I don’t understand why he acts and speaks like that. I can’t even describe it. But it is the way he says hello… like he has to. Not like he is actually glad to see me. I guess that does describe it. Granted I don’t want to open myself up to him and be hurt by the way he has treated me in the past, but I wouldn’t mind being friendly toward him. But he acts like he only says hi to save face. It makes it so hard to be around him. I do enjoy his company when he isn’t putting on an act. I just don’t understand why he feels the need to act that way.

Any way, besides all that, I had a lovely time Saturday night. Dancing like a fool. X was his usual flirtatious self with me and about 4 other women. I do adore him. He’s smart and cute and quite the dancer. And, he is protective and caring toward me. But, I don’t think he is ready to settle down and I don’t want to play games. So we just love on each other as friends and both seem quite happy about it. Although, when I asked him the good food or good sex question, X said, "I don't really care about eating that much."  He is so freaking cute.  Timing is everything…sigh.

Lonely Sinking Feeling

So this weekend I got a lot of questions about Firsty. It made me reflect on the relationship, a lot. Then, on the drive to trivia, I heard a song that made me wonder. And I thought I did it all over again. Did I let my insecurities destroy something that was good? Part of me thinks that is what happened.


She says, "I'm getting that lonely sinking feeling,
You know what I mean?"
With his hand on her back he's thinking,
"Where does that leave me?"

Just when I think I've uncovered the secret
To peace and tranquility
That lonely sinking feeling creeps up on me


He says, "I'm seeing those doubt filled
Questioning eyes
And I can't believe it's true"
With her head in her hands she sighs,
"It's me, not you"


Just when I thought that I'd discovered the joy
Of loving one so completely
That lonely sinking feeling creeps up on me

Here in this silent room we wait on ancient ritual
Staring at our hearts
As if they were two caged animals
If I am the first to unlock those rusty doors
Will I be the first found bleeding on the floor?

She says, "I'm getting that lonely sinking feeling,
You know what I mean?"
With his hand on her back he's thinking,
"Where does that leave me?"

But after spending the last few hours with everyone at trivia, I realized it wasn’t. I hurt my wrist playing volleyball. I didn’t mention it to anyone but X noticed. He saw that I was putting it up against my glass and asked the waitress for a bag of ice for me. Then, when she forgot it, he asked again. Even after Firsty noticed it was hurt, he made no effort to help remedy the situation. One could argue that Firsty and I were no long an item, so he didn’t need to ask. But, X and I aren’t an item, either. He just stood up for me and took care of me. Sparkles would do the same. It is what I need from a man. So, while I think I tend to sabotage my relationships, I also think in this situation Firsty was definitely not the one for me.

Lonely thru the wood

Have you ever wandered lonely thru the wood?

Every thing there feels just as it should

You're part of a life there, Part of something good

If you've ever wandered lonly thru the wood.

Sex or Food - that is the question!

So I asked M&M if he had to choose between having really good food and really good sex, for the rest of his life, what would he choose?  He said based on his experience, he’d choose the food.  I clarified to say, the sex would be really good and as much as he’d like.  He still picked the food. 

And this people is why I believe I am doomed.  You see, I’d give up food for the sex.  I know I have a high sex drive and always have.  And, given the choice, I’d pick sex…lots of good sex and sacrifice ever having a good meal again for the guarantee of regular good sex!  But, I’ve yet to find a man, my age, who is interested in this.  They are all more preoccupied with food…thus the expanding waistline of men my age!  

I’m doomed to a life of  either none or rare and mediocre sex.  And, this my friend is why most men aren’t worth the effort to have a relationship!  

Poetry

I read an article on poetry last night.  IT made me realize I haven't written in a long time.  Of course, I know I need to be inspired. I've been inspired in different ways. One is when C2 was taking a class on writing.  Then, when I was participating in bible study that encouraged writing.  And finally, the one thing that always inpsires me...strong emotional feelings.   Currenty the strongest emotional upheaval happens to me at work.  It's quite exhausting and when I get home, I just putter out.  But I wonder, can I channel the anger and disgust I feel due to the lies and injustice that I experience on a daily basis.  Can I somehow create from that? More beauty from ashes?  I think it is worth a try! 

Surprises

It's been rough... really rough for me for the past few weeks.  This week was full of surprises, though.   I have to say, I am blessed beyond belief!

I was "clean up" my computer one day.  I had my head phones on and was organizing my work.  Basically taking everything I"ve done for the last 7 years and filing it away.  I was moving files that I kept on my desktop for easy access.  These files were the guideline to the department I had built from nothing into a well oiled machine that helped us to develop product with our suppliers in a way that prevented quality and supply chain issues.  A department that I had no idea that I had taken so much pride and joy in. As I moved the files, I began crying.  I thought quietly.  But I had my head phones on.  I think I was sobbing audibly because the next thing I knew, D1 from the office next door was standing in my office asking if I was okay.  As I tried to compose myself and explain, Fav FOB joined in.  I explained I was being ridiculous but they stood there and listened, and told me they understood.  I know it must have been hard for these very rational men to listen to me but D1 was able to empathize with a story of his own.  I felt so loved and supported.  It felt good to know people who seem to understand me and love me in their own way.

Later in the week, R got in touch with me.  It was amazing to feel her loving support.  To know that I have a friend who knows all my bad but still cares.  I messed up and in all my self-pity had forgotten her birthday.  It was because of that she knew something was wrong.  I hate that I missed it but love that she knew me well enough to know that something must be wrong for me to have forgotten. 

I was talking to a lady at work about seeking employment elsewhere.  I told her I had to consider a company that I normally wouldn't.  They build military weapons and I don't believe in using my talent to do so.  I can't imagine facing the Lord and telling him that I went against that which all of my body said no to just to make some money.  I told DB that things had gotten so bad that I needed a change and if God didn't want me to work at military engineering, he needed to open up some doors for me.  Within the next three hours, I uncovered a job within my current company with a boss who wanted me, my old boss who works at another company with a position he said I'd be good for and a friend who said her agency was hiring and I'd be a good fit there....none of which are military associated jobs!

God is so amazing.  I can imagine Him saying to me..."You hadn't asked me.  All you had to do was ask!"  He continues to put people in my life who love and support me.  And, when I ask, He answers.  Yes, I am very blessed and ready to put this funk behind me!

Ooober stressed

The party went off really well.  But believe it or not, the bitch never thanked me for putting it on for her.  I will not do another thing for her.  I hate when people are so self absorbed and inconsiderate!

I’m super stressed out. I have been since my job got “reorganized”. I guess my bosses staff got reorganized and I was one of those people. Sucks cuz I did love what I was doing and now what I have to do isn’t something I love. It’s just a job. All the more reason to keep looking elsewhere. Of course, they have me so busy, I don’t have time to think. UGH!

Due to the stress, I’ve prioritized working out. It is easy to do because I’m playing volleyball two days a week. So, I’m just trying to make sure I take the time the other days a week. I’m doing Yoga daily now, too. I need the stress relief and the exercise!  Plus it seems to be helping with the SAD.  I will never let myself lapse in my exercise again!  Ever!  (hahahahaha - I always say that!)