Confessions of a School Girl

I have to confess something absolutely, crazy embarrassing!  I have a major school girl crush on my new co-worker.  When I first met him, I thought he was adorable and I was smitten.  And now, after interfacing with him both one on one and in a few meetings, I’m sure I have a crush on him.  He is not only cute but he is brilliant.  I am in such big trouble!  I haven’t had this type of crush in as long as I can remember.  

I miss him so

I heard a song this morning. It was about missing the love of your life. It made me think about past relationships. I realized that PJ is the only ex that I miss like this. Neither the Cowardly Ex nor Boo’s Dad, nor any boyfriend since fits the bill. It was a bit of an eye-opener. I realized that none of my past relationships made me feel loved and taken care of the way he did. Yet, he treated me like an equal. It was an amazing partnership.

I wish I could understand what went wrong there. I wonder, if I never let him go the first time, if it would have been as beautiful all along. I do believe the damage he suffered along the way caused the last break up. But maybe it was me demanding too much of anyone. Maybe it was me demanding the appropriate amount and him not having the reserve to pull from. I guess I’ll never know. I do miss him so.


I miss the arms that used to hold me
The tender way we used to kiss
I miss the way that you touch me
I miss the sweet taste of your lips

I was a fool to ever leave you
You were a fool to let me go
Oh it's so lonesome, lonesome here with out you
Oh how I miss you so

It hurt... it hurt... it hurt so bad
You were the best man I ever had
Why was I so blind to see?
Now the biggest fool is me

I miss the arms that used to hold me
The tender way we used to kiss
Ooo... yes... ooo... I miss the way that you touch me
I miss the sweet taste of your lips.

Ponderings

I’ve always been me…unique with no desire to “fit in”. I intermingled with all the cliques in high school. I played sports (jocks), excelled in class (brains/nerds), cheered (popular girls/bitches), and partied (heads – as they were called). I had friends in all groups and people with whom I never cared to associate within them as well. I tried to be kind and tolerant. I rarely made fun of people and turned the other cheek when provoked. It was just who I was. I never felt anyone was solely right in their view of the world. Each person had good and bad things about them. I think I had a very mature outlook, as I still feel the same way.

But sadly, my uniqueness sometimes seems to create a loneliness inside me that I can’t explain. It seems that people’s idealized hatred unites them. It seems to cause deeper relationships. I’m not sure if it is true. I do know there are very few people I ever let in. There is C2 and Raquel. Lil Sis – who at times I’ve even kept at arms length. Very few men have been allowed into the depths of my heart. M&M knows a lot but I find I even keep him out, to a certain extent. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever find a partner that I feel safe enough to truly open up to.

Sisters at heart

I spent the weekend with my sorority sisters in VA.   I am the youngest one in "the crew".  We had all lived in the house my sophomore year and they were all seniors.  That was one of the best years of my life.  Since I had pledged under them, they all called me "pledge" during that year.  I didn't care..it was a term of endearment.  I was always ready, willing and able to go "downtown" with them.  I was always good at time management.  I did my homework in between classes, so I could "play" at night.  They loved that about me.  I loved living with a house full of women.

Momma Moo, my pledge mom, and I decided to meet ahead of time for lunch and then drive to VA together.  Around 1 p.m. she called to say she was still a couple of hours away.  WTF?!  I sometime forget her inability to be anywhere on time!  LOL.  She and I are the closest out of the crew.  So, it was still nice to catch up with her on the drive down. 

We all converged upon the Colonial.  She has a mansion in Alexandria. This weekend consisted of a wine and cheese Friday night welcome at her home, a trip to the spa on Saturday and then dinner in one of our nation's capital's fine upscale restaurants.  About 4 hours into Friday evening, I realized I have absolutely nothing in common with these ladies any more.  They are all married with children.  The oldest of the group's kids is 16 and the youngest 8.  Three of the women are stay at home mom's and one works from home. Their lives center around their kids and occasionally their husband.   The conversations bored me to tears.  Don't get me wrong, I love these ladies, but all I no longer have anything in common with them. 

The best part of the weekend was the massage.  It was amazing. By the luck of the draw, I got the best masseuse.  Her name was Ruby.  She did a hot stone massage that was to die for.  I wish i could go back weekly for such an indulgence.  After the massage, we did go to an Irish Pub for a St. Patty's Day green beer.  Back in college, we'd start green beer at a pledge breakfast (around 7 a.m.) and drink for the rest of the day.  So of course the beer was for nostalgia sake.  Funny, because one of my sisters said it smelled like a beer blast (outdoor keg party at fraternity or sorority - held every weekend in the fall).  It tasted awful.  I hate cheap beer!

Dinner Saturday night was nice.  The Colonial had connections and we received the royal treatment. We started off with a Dom Perignon toast.  The champagne was good and the food decent.  We got a sample platter for dessert.  Their cheese cake and creme brulee were very good.  I sat next to Granola.  She and I weren't very close in college but seem the most alike in our advanced years.  She's quiet and laid back - obviously 2 characteristics we don't have that much in common. But she is a very kind person who cares about the environment and other people.  We talked a little about her daughter - who seems a lot like Boo.  I'm glad I got to sit next to her at dinner. 

I hate to say it felt like a wasted weekend.  I wouldn't have traded it for anything else.  But it is sad to see how different I am from them all.  I'm not sure I wasn't different from them way back when we all met each other.  I think my whole house was very diverse.  And, I was the most like the older girls in the house.  But maybe not as much like them as I think.  Our perhaps, our lives may have just drifted apart.

Miles may come between us and our days may drift apart.  We've got a bond between us that keep us sisters at heart....

It is what it is

I’m supposed to be doing work…but can’t focus. I have spring fever. Only one week until the official first day of spring but the weather outside is delightful! It is a beautiful, warm sunshiny day! I took two cars for test drives. I was looking at buying an Acura but they just don’t fit me like the Civics do.  So, I'll stick with the tried and true.  Although this time, I’m thinking of going the used car route. My Civic has over 225k on it – so I know that they will last that long. Might as well spend half the money and still have a car that will last a good 8-9 years. 

I gave up dating men (again) and it doesn’t seem to be going too well. As soon as I claimed I had given up dating, I met a musician. He used to work at my company doing multimedia stuff. He’s a few years older than me, but still in great shape (no expanding waistline that seems to accompany over ½ the mid-life men). Musician has a part time “day” job and plays piano and sings in the evenings. I was too busy this past week to get together with him. I might get together with him next week.

I’ve been hanging out with X, the Preacher and the Teacher. Saturday night was the Teacher’s birthday. I met her boyfriend, the Terrorist. We shouldn’t joke about his nickname – since he is probably on a “watch list” due to his ethnicity. He is one of the coolest guys I've ever met, though.  Great sense of humor, generous, smart and most importantly, he is madly in love with the Teacher. Yay for them! Any way, it was an interesting evening. Blackie and the frail Blondie were both there…two of the girls that X flirts with. This past week Blackie outwardly asked him to be Friends with Benefits. X turned her down. Or so that is what the Preacher told me. I do believe he did - because Saturday night he danced with me the whole night. He spent some time with Blondie, but pulled me out to dance with him the whole time. Then, when he asked folks back to spend the night at his house and Blackie said yes, he convinced me to go too. I took the downstairs couch…I had early morning plans on Sunday and wanted to leave without disturbing anyone. Blackie took the air matress in X's son's room; Blondie took X's king size bed.   X slept on the floor in the living room next to me. I offered up the couch and said I’d take the love seat but he declined. He gave me hell for “sneaking out” without saying goodbye. I told him, “I said good bye; I rubbed your cheek, kissed your forehead and then a gave a quick rub of the private parts as I covered you with the blanket.” He believed me for a second.

Monday, after trivia, X and Preacher asked me to hang out with them. It was midnight and I should have went home. X and Preacher are insomniacs. Preacher had drank coffee and knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. They peer pressured me into staying out with them. LOL. We went back to X’s house and drank til after 4 a.m. I am too old for that crap! Especially since I’m not an insomniac! I laid down on the couch around 4 a.m. – X and Preacher were still up. When she left, he brought me upstairs to sleep with him. When I got up to leave in the morning, he told me to stay. What is it about insomniacs where they can finally sleep in the morning?? I climbed back into bed to say good bye and he pulled me down next to him. He wrapped his arms around me to keep me from leaving. His arms are so nice – soft, strong, and cut perfectly. I could have laid in his arms for hours…except…1. I had to go to work and 2. I know better. Actually if 2 didn’t exist, I would have ignored one. X is still hung up on his ex. And, I will not go there again – EVER! I will never give my heart (and body) to a man who isn’t completely ready for a new love. As much as I would have loved to have fallen back to sleep in his arms, woke up next to him and spent the few hours exploring his body, I know it is the wrong thing to do. I also know, the only reason he pulled me to dance with him and had me in his bed is he knows I know these things about him and he knows I won’t misconstrue his action and intentions. Yes, it is f-ed up! But, alas, it is what it is!

I reject your reality and substitute it with my own.

Great news at work! I decided to reject my boss’s reality and create my own. And it worked. A few weeks back I found out that they decided to “reorganize” my group. There wasn’t any discussion about it. It was just here is what came out of the strategy meeting (as if any strategic planning actually happens in this knee jerk company!) and here is what you are going to do. Your excited, right? My answer, “do I have a choice?” My bosses answer, “What, I want you to get excited about it.” He’s such a douche bag! He started pissing me off and so I started looking for other jobs. Funny thing is a couple of people who are receiving my department and all the processes I put in place told me what a well oiled machine I had, what a good job I did, etc. One guy sat me down and told me how everything I had done made me the perfect fit for my new job and because of X, Y, and Z, he knew I’d kick butt and eventually, upper management would see what anyone who was watching me already knew. If only my stupid ass boss had uttered those words to me. But it was too late, the ball was in motion. It turned out there was a job open in the company…a job I was perfectly suited for…a job reporting to an ex-boyfriend’s friend! Hilarious story. Not sure if I ever told it.

Right after the cowardly ex and I had split, I had my work Christmas party to go to. I asked my friend, the hot bodied, British wanna be American, with an ever so lovely face, if I could go with him. I told him I didn’t want to go alone. He knew my ex and I had split and it was a rough time for me. He said no problem, I could be his “date”. We met at a pub a block or so down from the Christmas Party location. We had drinks with a couple and the Bloke (that is British for guy). We had a few drinks before the party and came in very fashionably late. I ended up sitting with my Boss to Be (BtB), his wife, the couple, the Bloke and the British wanna be American (BwbA). As the evening progressed, I stopped imbibing. My BtB asked me why I was not longer drinking. I explained I lived in the burbs and had to drive home. He and his wife invited me to stay in town with them at the Bloke’s house. I agreed and continued to drink. Now, you must realized, this was the first time since the ex left that I decided to allow myself to drink, so I over imbibed. I was fairly well behaved….fairly.

As the evening wore we decided to move the party to the part of town closer to were the BwbA and Bloke lived. The BtB, his wife and the Bloke were ready to leave but BwbA was looking for another friend. We lost track of him, so BtB, the wife and the Bloke grabbed me and took me in the cab with him. They texted BwbA and told him that they “had taken me”. When we got to the bar, we grabbed drinks. The Bloke and I went upstairs to check out the dancing. We started dancing and somehow ended up kissing on the dance floor. It was that that time that someone (I think the BtB) came upstairs and saw us. When BwbA got to the bar he was told, “Cheryl is upstairs snogging with the Bloke.” I came back downstairs and saw BwbA there. Went up to him and said, “guess who I was just kissing.” He laughed at me…it’s been our joke ever since that I went to the Christmas party with him but ended up snogging his mate on the dance floor and then giggled when i told him.  What a great date I was!

The Bloke and I ended up dating for several months….more like holding each other up as we went through our divorces, drinking, and fighting until I realized how destructive the relationship was and broke it off. We stayed friends and eventually I committed Tom Foolery with him….but that is a whole other story!

Any way, so BtB witnessed me at my worst! But, he also knows I am a kick ass worker and is excited to have me on his team. And, I am ever so excited to be going back to the purchasing organization I was drug out of 2 years ago (thanks to the stupid merger). Can’t stop smiling!