I am on an amazing high. I really don't want to jinx it but need to stop thinking that talking about my happiness will cause it to come crashing down around me. Everything is so right in my life....
Boo finished up this semester with a bang. She's done so well for so long. I couldn't be prouder. She has come a long way in the past four years. It's like a breath of fresh air!
I love my new job. It is busy, hectic and I feel like I'm under qualified. But overall, I love the people, love the work and am excited that I made the change.
Life with my friends is going well. I have such a wonderful support network of people I care about and who genuinely care for me. I couldn't ask for me.
And the absolute icing on the cake. I have met the most wonderful man. My dream man. I keep alluding to him but now I will admit to him. He is everything I ever wanted with none of the crap I didn't. I see no red flags - which scares the hell out of me and makes me very insecure. Illogical, I know. But true.
So with everything so right, I keep saying to myself...when will something bad happen. When will "the other shoe drop". I haven't been this happy in so long, I have trouble trusting it. But, I've decided that instead of worrying/holding back/etc. I'm going to just "be." I am just going to exist in this state of euphoria. And, if something happens tomorrow, then it happens. I will have enjoyed today for what it was and been thankful for it.
I feel truly blessed and am thankful to God.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Defeating Demons
Shadows not substance
Creep in to steal the light
Confusion sets in
Try to discern wrong from right
Evil voices inside
Whisper words of self doubt
Run. Don’t trust.
Words I can do without
Hush! I scream, Don’t you speak
I will not listen to you!
I am strong, able and loving.
You demons will be few.
Seek out the glow, the glory
Radiate from within.
There’s splendor here. Open your eyes.
Don’t fall to past sin.
Hold the hand extended
Let the love lift me up
Discover truth, honor, beauty
And overfill the cup
There is happiness here
Be brave; take a chance
All is well in my world
Time to sing and dance
Creep in to steal the light
Confusion sets in
Try to discern wrong from right
Evil voices inside
Whisper words of self doubt
Run. Don’t trust.
Words I can do without
Hush! I scream, Don’t you speak
I will not listen to you!
I am strong, able and loving.
You demons will be few.
Seek out the glow, the glory
Radiate from within.
There’s splendor here. Open your eyes.
Don’t fall to past sin.
Hold the hand extended
Let the love lift me up
Discover truth, honor, beauty
And overfill the cup
There is happiness here
Be brave; take a chance
All is well in my world
Time to sing and dance
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Walking on Sunshine
So happy that I'm scared. But it feels so good that I am ignoring the fear. If this is what I went through all the toils of the past for...Thank you for the pain, grief, struggles, loser boys, loving girls, tortured souls, and lessons learned. Because I have never felt so cared for and so emotionally and intellectually fulfilled.
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
I'm walking on sunshine
I'm walkin' on sunshine, woh-oh
I'm walkin' on sunshine, woh-oh
And don't it feel good?
Hey, all right now
And don't it feel good?
I feel alive
I feel the love
I feel the love
That's really real
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
I'm walking on sunshine
I'm walkin' on sunshine, woh-oh
I'm walkin' on sunshine, woh-oh
And don't it feel good?
Hey, all right now
And don't it feel good?
I feel alive
I feel the love
I feel the love
That's really real
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Smitten
Absolutely, completely and beyond belief.
Excited, terrified, and completely consumed!
Too good to be true.
Excited, terrified, and completely consumed!
Too good to be true.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Lose my Number
So for the past few weeks I’ve been texting this guy. I’m not sure if he is an airhead or just plain out stupid. You may judge for yourself.
A week ago Sunday, he texted me “good morning?!” I replied Good Morning. Then heard nothing else. Then, on Tuesday he texted me, “Hey there.” I wrote back hey stranger. He asked how I was. I was headed onto a hike so when I got out, I told him I had been hiking. I asked how he was. He said, “it’s been a busy week. Have you been hiking all day?” I said no, just a quick 5 miles after work. He wrote, “quick huh? Do you need company and a dog?” I wrote, “my dog went with me and kept me company.” He wrote, “cool, was it hot?” I said it was warm but generally nice. What have you been up to? He writes back, “not a lot…hanging out…work here and there.” Really? First you tell me it is a busy week. Now you are saying you are not up to much. Hmmmmm…
On Wednesday he says good morning and replies to my how are you with, “I am good. Coffee going down. All sore from insanity work out yesterday. Just wanted to say hi and have a good day.” I write back with niceties, etc.
On Thursday morning he writes, “Hi there. Are you losing interest?” Seemed odd to me. So I answered, “Why would you ask that?” He writes, “just making sure…no reason…:)” I call him out and say, “There had to be a reason. You bored already?” He says, “Not at all…maybe a little impatient…would like to meet and see if there are any sparks.” Seriously dude? We started texting Friday the 27th. He mentioned meeting and I said I’d be interested. Then he didn’t bother to text me again until Sunday with the good morning and nothing else. He had yet to propose a meeting time. WTF? So, to his text of impatience about meeting, I replied, “Then why have you not proposed a time?” He writes, “Long week…hate to set a time and have to bail…are you free Sunday afternoon? Good question by the way.” I’m thinking…you express your frustration in not being able to meet, yet you are the reason we haven’t met. Whatever. I tell him I have nothing planned for Sunday afternoon. And he aska If I’d like to meet him face to face. I tell him I’m sure that would be far more interesting than texting. Don’t you think? BTW, that is a yes.” He writes we’ll figure out where and when tonight or tomorrow.
So Thursday night we chat via text. He ends the conversation by not answering my last question. I think it is pretty odd but whatever. I accidentally text to him a story about Boo that I was trying to text to another guy (haven’t told you about him yet.). I ended the story with “sigh”. On Friday morning he asks, “why the bg sigh?” I explain I accidentally texted him the text. He writes, “haha…I was wondering….? So, when are you free this weekend?” What? Is he an absolute moron or texting so many chicks that he can’t keep us all straight. Really? I write back, “I thought we tentatively planned for Sunday afternoon?” He writes, “I thought so…wasn’t sure…works for me…just need to decide what, where and when…maybe we could talk later tonight?” I write, “sure.” Then he writes, “Ok…may golf but will call later. :)”
At 8:42 he texts, just got off course. Whats up?” By this time, I was out with my friends and in no mood to talk to this guy. So at midnight, I text back, “Hey was out with my gf. Sorry to not be able to talk.” On Saturday (at 7:37 a.m.) he texts, “Hey C, hope you had fun. Good morning to you.” When I drag my ass out of bed at 9:47, I wrie, “Good morning. It is a beautiful day outside.” An hour later, he writes, “It really is…what r u doing today?” Of course, I was already hiking (with the guy yet to be named) at that point, so at 1 p.m. when I get back I write, “I just got back from hiking. Will play soccer at 3 p.m. and then a friend’s party tonight. What about you?” He writes, “long week at work…ran errands…nap in near future.” At this point I’m dreading meeting him. He seems to have no active life and is quite boring or else full of shit. I don’t reply.
On Sunday, at noon, I text him, “so did you still want to get together today?” Fifteen minutes later he replies, “I really wdo but looks like it will have to wait…I have a track banquet to attend today…*orry…was fixin to text apcall…can I take a raincheck and byuy you a drink one night this week?” (yes I left all the misspellings in because it seemed to me he was texting and driving.) I call him out… “funny how a track banquet can spring up on you last minute and all. I mean one would think that by Friday you’d’ have known about it. Kind of rude for you not to have said something sooner, don’t you think?” A minute later I write, “I expect respect from people. So no, I’m not interested in drinks. You can lose my number.”
I think he was writing when I sent that because he wrote back, “if that were the case…you are right and I would have contacted you…however…I received a call from my boss this morning who has a sick child and he asked me to attend in his place…kind of out of my control…my sincerest apologies and if you are no longer interested…I’m sorry.” One minute later, he must have read my next text because he wrote, “ok….lost.”
I thought about texting him back and being nicer but decided not to. I was already thinking he was pathetic and not worth my time. Even if he had gotten a call that morning, he should have contacted me right away. He had no problem texting me at 7 a.m. several days that week. So why wouldn’t he have texted me on Sunday. And, if I had fucked up like that, instead of texting, I’d call. No he is rude, immature and a moron. He can’t remember what he has written to whom and isn't smart enough to go back and read previous texts or keep notes. He can pound sand. Plus, I love that I used Rachie’s line on him. I’ve never used it on a guy before and and well, I like it. Lose my number you loser!! Next….
A week ago Sunday, he texted me “good morning?!” I replied Good Morning. Then heard nothing else. Then, on Tuesday he texted me, “Hey there.” I wrote back hey stranger. He asked how I was. I was headed onto a hike so when I got out, I told him I had been hiking. I asked how he was. He said, “it’s been a busy week. Have you been hiking all day?” I said no, just a quick 5 miles after work. He wrote, “quick huh? Do you need company and a dog?” I wrote, “my dog went with me and kept me company.” He wrote, “cool, was it hot?” I said it was warm but generally nice. What have you been up to? He writes back, “not a lot…hanging out…work here and there.” Really? First you tell me it is a busy week. Now you are saying you are not up to much. Hmmmmm…
On Wednesday he says good morning and replies to my how are you with, “I am good. Coffee going down. All sore from insanity work out yesterday. Just wanted to say hi and have a good day.” I write back with niceties, etc.
On Thursday morning he writes, “Hi there. Are you losing interest?” Seemed odd to me. So I answered, “Why would you ask that?” He writes, “just making sure…no reason…:)” I call him out and say, “There had to be a reason. You bored already?” He says, “Not at all…maybe a little impatient…would like to meet and see if there are any sparks.” Seriously dude? We started texting Friday the 27th. He mentioned meeting and I said I’d be interested. Then he didn’t bother to text me again until Sunday with the good morning and nothing else. He had yet to propose a meeting time. WTF? So, to his text of impatience about meeting, I replied, “Then why have you not proposed a time?” He writes, “Long week…hate to set a time and have to bail…are you free Sunday afternoon? Good question by the way.” I’m thinking…you express your frustration in not being able to meet, yet you are the reason we haven’t met. Whatever. I tell him I have nothing planned for Sunday afternoon. And he aska If I’d like to meet him face to face. I tell him I’m sure that would be far more interesting than texting. Don’t you think? BTW, that is a yes.” He writes we’ll figure out where and when tonight or tomorrow.
So Thursday night we chat via text. He ends the conversation by not answering my last question. I think it is pretty odd but whatever. I accidentally text to him a story about Boo that I was trying to text to another guy (haven’t told you about him yet.). I ended the story with “sigh”. On Friday morning he asks, “why the bg sigh?” I explain I accidentally texted him the text. He writes, “haha…I was wondering….? So, when are you free this weekend?” What? Is he an absolute moron or texting so many chicks that he can’t keep us all straight. Really? I write back, “I thought we tentatively planned for Sunday afternoon?” He writes, “I thought so…wasn’t sure…works for me…just need to decide what, where and when…maybe we could talk later tonight?” I write, “sure.” Then he writes, “Ok…may golf but will call later. :)”
At 8:42 he texts, just got off course. Whats up?” By this time, I was out with my friends and in no mood to talk to this guy. So at midnight, I text back, “Hey was out with my gf. Sorry to not be able to talk.” On Saturday (at 7:37 a.m.) he texts, “Hey C, hope you had fun. Good morning to you.” When I drag my ass out of bed at 9:47, I wrie, “Good morning. It is a beautiful day outside.” An hour later, he writes, “It really is…what r u doing today?” Of course, I was already hiking (with the guy yet to be named) at that point, so at 1 p.m. when I get back I write, “I just got back from hiking. Will play soccer at 3 p.m. and then a friend’s party tonight. What about you?” He writes, “long week at work…ran errands…nap in near future.” At this point I’m dreading meeting him. He seems to have no active life and is quite boring or else full of shit. I don’t reply.
On Sunday, at noon, I text him, “so did you still want to get together today?” Fifteen minutes later he replies, “I really wdo but looks like it will have to wait…I have a track banquet to attend today…*orry…was fixin to text apcall…can I take a raincheck and byuy you a drink one night this week?” (yes I left all the misspellings in because it seemed to me he was texting and driving.) I call him out… “funny how a track banquet can spring up on you last minute and all. I mean one would think that by Friday you’d’ have known about it. Kind of rude for you not to have said something sooner, don’t you think?” A minute later I write, “I expect respect from people. So no, I’m not interested in drinks. You can lose my number.”
I think he was writing when I sent that because he wrote back, “if that were the case…you are right and I would have contacted you…however…I received a call from my boss this morning who has a sick child and he asked me to attend in his place…kind of out of my control…my sincerest apologies and if you are no longer interested…I’m sorry.” One minute later, he must have read my next text because he wrote, “ok….lost.”
I thought about texting him back and being nicer but decided not to. I was already thinking he was pathetic and not worth my time. Even if he had gotten a call that morning, he should have contacted me right away. He had no problem texting me at 7 a.m. several days that week. So why wouldn’t he have texted me on Sunday. And, if I had fucked up like that, instead of texting, I’d call. No he is rude, immature and a moron. He can’t remember what he has written to whom and isn't smart enough to go back and read previous texts or keep notes. He can pound sand. Plus, I love that I used Rachie’s line on him. I’ve never used it on a guy before and and well, I like it. Lose my number you loser!! Next….
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Betrayal
So I had to write the following letter to a friend who had meant the world to me.
Once upon a time, I was friends with this guy. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other. Eventually I told him my story and of my past hurt. He told me that I was wonderful and didn’t deserve to be hurt and that I had been taken for granted. When I was irrational, he let me rant. We loved joking around and making each other laugh. Over time we became best friends and I learned to trust him implicitly. He wasn’t perfect (I mean who is?)…but he was someone I knew I could rely on and trust. He understood me and my ways and knew that most people didn’t understand me because I kept a certain side of me concealed from the world. I liked that he knew that about me.
One day, things seemed odd. They had been going in a weird direction for awhile but I made excuses for his behavior. He’s stressed; I’m tired and making things out to be different than they are. We’re both busy. But I noticed I didn’t seem so important to him and I missed him. He blamed work for his lack of attention. I believed him. Then a series of events happened that made me think he was being less than truthful with me. Then, I did the unspeakable. I went through his shit because I had to know what was going on and have my mind set at ease… or so I thought. But in going through his shit I found a boatload of communication with another woman. Message after message after message to her. It was as if I was punched in the stomach and run over by a bus all at the same time. How could my suspicions have been right? How could he have betrayed me in the one way that I never thought he would? How could he have lied to me? How could he have thought our relationship was so much less than I thought it was?
And when he found out I had gone through his stuff and uncovered his secret, instead of coming back to me to ask for forgiveness, he asked me what I was doing. I asked what? And he said, “Going through my stuff…how could you?” Imagine my shock
Sound familiar?
That was November 2005. The mail is how I found out about Michael’s 250 text messages in less than 3 days to the woman he was having an affair with. It took him over a week to finally confess to his infidelity. It took me 6+ years to forgive him.
Now do you understand? I’m not mad. I’m hurt…I’m hurt all over again. I’m so hurt; I’m afraid I’ll never learn to trust another man again. And for that, I can’t talk to you right now.
His reply was that since we weren't lovers or married, I shouldn't be so upset. Then I guess he read the letter over again and realized that his lies and deception were what caused the hurt . And the way he behaved of course would bring back the hurt I experienced at the end of my marriage. It is a very sad day.
As sad as it was, I was blessed several times over by friends who were concerned about me. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing support system. And, for those friends to validate my feelings. Tell me that it was okay for me to feel hurt. I can't imagine what my life would be like without my friends. As much as I can be sad in other ways, I must give thanks for the Lord has blessed me many times over in that arena!
Once upon a time, I was friends with this guy. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other. Eventually I told him my story and of my past hurt. He told me that I was wonderful and didn’t deserve to be hurt and that I had been taken for granted. When I was irrational, he let me rant. We loved joking around and making each other laugh. Over time we became best friends and I learned to trust him implicitly. He wasn’t perfect (I mean who is?)…but he was someone I knew I could rely on and trust. He understood me and my ways and knew that most people didn’t understand me because I kept a certain side of me concealed from the world. I liked that he knew that about me.
One day, things seemed odd. They had been going in a weird direction for awhile but I made excuses for his behavior. He’s stressed; I’m tired and making things out to be different than they are. We’re both busy. But I noticed I didn’t seem so important to him and I missed him. He blamed work for his lack of attention. I believed him. Then a series of events happened that made me think he was being less than truthful with me. Then, I did the unspeakable. I went through his shit because I had to know what was going on and have my mind set at ease… or so I thought. But in going through his shit I found a boatload of communication with another woman. Message after message after message to her. It was as if I was punched in the stomach and run over by a bus all at the same time. How could my suspicions have been right? How could he have betrayed me in the one way that I never thought he would? How could he have lied to me? How could he have thought our relationship was so much less than I thought it was?
And when he found out I had gone through his stuff and uncovered his secret, instead of coming back to me to ask for forgiveness, he asked me what I was doing. I asked what? And he said, “Going through my stuff…how could you?” Imagine my shock
Sound familiar?
That was November 2005. The mail is how I found out about Michael’s 250 text messages in less than 3 days to the woman he was having an affair with. It took him over a week to finally confess to his infidelity. It took me 6+ years to forgive him.
Now do you understand? I’m not mad. I’m hurt…I’m hurt all over again. I’m so hurt; I’m afraid I’ll never learn to trust another man again. And for that, I can’t talk to you right now.
His reply was that since we weren't lovers or married, I shouldn't be so upset. Then I guess he read the letter over again and realized that his lies and deception were what caused the hurt . And the way he behaved of course would bring back the hurt I experienced at the end of my marriage. It is a very sad day.
As sad as it was, I was blessed several times over by friends who were concerned about me. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing support system. And, for those friends to validate my feelings. Tell me that it was okay for me to feel hurt. I can't imagine what my life would be like without my friends. As much as I can be sad in other ways, I must give thanks for the Lord has blessed me many times over in that arena!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
confessions of school girl - part 2
I still have a wildly mad crush on my cute new co-worker (CNC). I was hoping it would go away. It has only intensified because I realized that not only is he cute and brilliant but he is even more brilliant than I thought, kind, humble and very considerate of others.
We went away on a business trip together. We had to drive several hours from the airport to our destination. I was with him and another co-worker. CNC gave me the front seat, even though he had to do the navigating from the back seat. Every step of the trip, he made sure everything was okay for me. When we went out to dinner, he let me pick the wine. CNC has excellent taste in wine…I found that out after I ordered a “light” Bordeaux that would suit anyone’s pallet. I was bummed but he was very gracious about it. They didn’t have any menus in English, so the two of them relied on me to interpret the French. There were a few words I was unsure of but neither of them ever made me feel stupid. The next night, CNC still allowed me to pick the wine. We conferred about it. The first one was disappointing but the second one much better (there were several people out to dinner with us that time).
While we were working I noticed a few things about him. We had a long list of questions that we needed answered. Not only was CNC not looking at the questions when asking them, but he wasn’t taking notes when he listened to the answers. I was amazed. I later asked him if he was working on the project when asking the questions and he said yes. I told him how amazed I was at his doing it all from rote memory. Our coworker said, “Yep, he never takes notes. He remembers everything.” Holy shit was I impressed. I used to be able to do that. But after Boo was born, I needed to write more and more things down to keep them in the forefront of my mind. CNC said he does have a photographic memory but then said, “But I always forget names. I’m not so good with names.”
One of the guys we are working with was telling CNC and I how he would like to change his work schedule to a 4 day work week. When CNC told this to our other co-worker, the co-worker asked if that is something we’d allow. CNC said, “I see no problem with it. I hope when I am his age someone is as kind to me.” Wow…so very rarely do I meet anyone in the business world who is that considerate of others.
We stopped for dinner in the city where PJ lives. I texted him to get a suggestion for a nice place to eat. While we were at the place, CNC mentioned how good the food was. I told him that PJ was a foodie and had exquisite taste in food. That not only was PJ one of the few people I’d let cook for me but also, I always looked forward to his cooking or dining together. CNC looked at me with this very humble look and asked, “Would you let me cook for you sometime? I’m a very good cook.” I melted. How freaking adorable is that?
At the end of the trip when we were parting, CNC shook co-workers hand and said goodbye. Then, he shook my hand. I had tingles when he touched me and I blushed. How ridiculous am I?
I try to remain professional in all our interactions, but in general I fail miserably. I blush, play with my hair and generally act like a school girl with a crush. This has got to stop! I am really hoping he doesn’t notice. The one thing I have going for me is he has never seen how professional and objective I really am. Perhaps he thinks I’m just an immature girl. I’m good with that…as long as he doesn’t realize I’m crushing madly on him!
We went away on a business trip together. We had to drive several hours from the airport to our destination. I was with him and another co-worker. CNC gave me the front seat, even though he had to do the navigating from the back seat. Every step of the trip, he made sure everything was okay for me. When we went out to dinner, he let me pick the wine. CNC has excellent taste in wine…I found that out after I ordered a “light” Bordeaux that would suit anyone’s pallet. I was bummed but he was very gracious about it. They didn’t have any menus in English, so the two of them relied on me to interpret the French. There were a few words I was unsure of but neither of them ever made me feel stupid. The next night, CNC still allowed me to pick the wine. We conferred about it. The first one was disappointing but the second one much better (there were several people out to dinner with us that time).
While we were working I noticed a few things about him. We had a long list of questions that we needed answered. Not only was CNC not looking at the questions when asking them, but he wasn’t taking notes when he listened to the answers. I was amazed. I later asked him if he was working on the project when asking the questions and he said yes. I told him how amazed I was at his doing it all from rote memory. Our coworker said, “Yep, he never takes notes. He remembers everything.” Holy shit was I impressed. I used to be able to do that. But after Boo was born, I needed to write more and more things down to keep them in the forefront of my mind. CNC said he does have a photographic memory but then said, “But I always forget names. I’m not so good with names.”
One of the guys we are working with was telling CNC and I how he would like to change his work schedule to a 4 day work week. When CNC told this to our other co-worker, the co-worker asked if that is something we’d allow. CNC said, “I see no problem with it. I hope when I am his age someone is as kind to me.” Wow…so very rarely do I meet anyone in the business world who is that considerate of others.
We stopped for dinner in the city where PJ lives. I texted him to get a suggestion for a nice place to eat. While we were at the place, CNC mentioned how good the food was. I told him that PJ was a foodie and had exquisite taste in food. That not only was PJ one of the few people I’d let cook for me but also, I always looked forward to his cooking or dining together. CNC looked at me with this very humble look and asked, “Would you let me cook for you sometime? I’m a very good cook.” I melted. How freaking adorable is that?
At the end of the trip when we were parting, CNC shook co-workers hand and said goodbye. Then, he shook my hand. I had tingles when he touched me and I blushed. How ridiculous am I?
I try to remain professional in all our interactions, but in general I fail miserably. I blush, play with my hair and generally act like a school girl with a crush. This has got to stop! I am really hoping he doesn’t notice. The one thing I have going for me is he has never seen how professional and objective I really am. Perhaps he thinks I’m just an immature girl. I’m good with that…as long as he doesn’t realize I’m crushing madly on him!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
