So I said I'd tell you about X. As it turns out several months ago, when I was dating MKP, a couple of the girls made a comment to X. MKP and I were at a party along with X. X and I were having our usual banter back and forth. The girls noticed that MKP seemed uncomfortable and said something to X. X ended up avoiding me for the rest of the party. He also withdrew from our friendship. I may or may not have noticed it. I can't say. All I know is that trivia started to not be as much fun for me. I started to avoid weeks when X was there (he can only go every other week). And, we drew further and further apart.
Last Monday, I was feeling particularly touchy about the way X continuously picked on me along with the Preacher. Then I got called out on supposedly being mean to someone else. So I decided to quit trivia. I texted the preacher and she seemed fine with it. Then, I texted X. He was a bit concerned. He ended up calling me about it. We chatted for a pretty long time. We came to the conclusion that we totally missed each other. I told him I thought I had lost my friend and he told me he felt like he was waiting for his friend to return. It felt good to understand what was going on between us.
I noticed there are times when I just get upset with people but can't put my finger on what is agitating me. I guess I felt the withdrawal from X and then just felt hurt by it. And, instead of taking time to understand the hurt and talk about it, I pulled away from him. He never told me he was pulling away because I was dating someone and when he noticed me pulling away, he pulled away more. Quite the vicious circle.
I told him he never had to pull away from me for the sake of a BF again. That if I'm dating someone and they have an issue with his and my friendship, it is their issue, not his. That I would resolve it. That he didn't need to listen to other people. But if he did get to the point where he felt he needed to withdraw to please talk to me about it. I don't ever want to have our friendship take a hiatus like that again.
Good news is I think Cabana boy has no issues with my male friends and tendency to flirt. I was flirting a lot at the old west party and he never said anything or seemed upset by it. And, last night, we were talking about the QB for the 49'ers and how he is my secret BF....so secret even he doesn't know. When he came on for an interview, Cabana boy turned up the volume and let me watch. Although, I told him over and over again to mute it. That Colin sounded dumber and dumber by the minute and I was going to have to break up with him before he even found out he was my BF. Cabana boy just laughed.
I won't understand him but at least he seems okay with my flirtatious nature!!!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
I'll never understand men!
So Cabana boy got home yesterday. Actually go back to Friday night. He texts me good night. I write back sleep well. He writes you too!!!! And then tells me he has to get up at 3 a.m. to get his flight. I wrote back I hope he has nice flights and can sleep on the plane. He replies if not sleeping he'll be daydreaming about me.... And on the texting went. It was weird. Several days of minimal contact and then he is all chatty at 11 p.m. even though he is only going to get 4 hours sleep. Any way, it seems like everything was fine.
Yesterday, I had a busy day (trivia world series - need to write about X) and we had decided to meet at the party that evening. He told me he'd get there late. Texted when he was on his way. Told me I looked amazing and it was cool how we "went all out" for the party - it was a murder mystery party set in the old west. He proceeded to chat for 45 minutes telling me every little thing about his trip. I think he had realized he had been quiet and wanted me to understand how busy he had been when he wasn't working. Any way, that is how I interpreted it. I really don't think I'll ever understand that boy! As it turns out we had a lovely time at the party and a better time at his place afterwards. He really is an absolutely amazing lover!!!
Interesting tidbit about the party. YBBK was there. Actually he showed up almost an hour late (after having been requested to be there on time so the party could start). Everyone was commenting on how inconsiderate he and his gf were in being so late. I'm not sure if they were all talking amongst themselves or just felt the need to tell me because I had the bad taste of dating him. A few people mentioned how they thought perhaps there was trouble in his relationship - as if I cared. LOL. Actually, I would like to see him happy because then maybe he'd stop being so rude to me and some of the other girls in the group. Any way, as it turned out, Squeaky had decided to make us ex-husband and ex-wife in the mystery. UGH! Why she would do that is beyond me. But, she did. Anyway, there was a point when I had to interact with him and he was a bit a of a jerk. I'm not sure what the script called for but I felt like maybe he had been a bit "overboard". I blew it off until several of the ladies and even a few of the guys told me they thought he had "over done" it and was being rude to me for the benefit of his new gf. They asked if I was okay. I had to laugh because I figure it is just his own issues and I am so over him that I don't really care what he does. I've always been nothing but kind and considerate toward him...even after he treated me so poorly over and over again. I have no issues with him and as long as he doesn't lay his hands (or swat me upside the head with his towel again like he did at the beach), I don't really care what he does. Because as seen last night, his behavior just reflects poorly on himself. Any way, in addition to me, he was a bit of a jerk to a couple of other people and of course they told me about it. I kinda think everyone was talking a bit of trash about him through out the night. Most people don't like his gf - they say she is a bit of a snob and nicknamed her "eastern euro-trash".
I really try not to get into the gossip and have only once spoken to her. Really, if it weren't for everyone feeling like they had to tell me about it, I'd see them both as non-entities. My life is much simpler and much happier with him gone. I'm not even sure what I saw in him. He was a lousy lover and controlling freak. I guess I just liked the attention and was so emotionally hurt with my mom being ill, I made a very bad decision. A few of the ladies in the group, that joined or met me after we had ceased dating, were shocked that I had, "stooped so low as to date him." It is hilarious to see their reaction. I don't talk trash about it but it is hard not to giggle when they looked so shocked. I think I drop a few rungs on their ladder of respect. Hahaha.
Well, it is a lovely Sunday afternoon. Traditional Italian meal cooking. Cabana boy and Boo coming home to dinner. So, I should get back to being the domestic goddess I am. As I cook, I'll mull over the mood swings of the men I date. Perhaps one of these days I'll begin to understand them and why they are such freaks. Hahahaha....yeah right.
Yesterday, I had a busy day (trivia world series - need to write about X) and we had decided to meet at the party that evening. He told me he'd get there late. Texted when he was on his way. Told me I looked amazing and it was cool how we "went all out" for the party - it was a murder mystery party set in the old west. He proceeded to chat for 45 minutes telling me every little thing about his trip. I think he had realized he had been quiet and wanted me to understand how busy he had been when he wasn't working. Any way, that is how I interpreted it. I really don't think I'll ever understand that boy! As it turns out we had a lovely time at the party and a better time at his place afterwards. He really is an absolutely amazing lover!!!
Interesting tidbit about the party. YBBK was there. Actually he showed up almost an hour late (after having been requested to be there on time so the party could start). Everyone was commenting on how inconsiderate he and his gf were in being so late. I'm not sure if they were all talking amongst themselves or just felt the need to tell me because I had the bad taste of dating him. A few people mentioned how they thought perhaps there was trouble in his relationship - as if I cared. LOL. Actually, I would like to see him happy because then maybe he'd stop being so rude to me and some of the other girls in the group. Any way, as it turned out, Squeaky had decided to make us ex-husband and ex-wife in the mystery. UGH! Why she would do that is beyond me. But, she did. Anyway, there was a point when I had to interact with him and he was a bit a of a jerk. I'm not sure what the script called for but I felt like maybe he had been a bit "overboard". I blew it off until several of the ladies and even a few of the guys told me they thought he had "over done" it and was being rude to me for the benefit of his new gf. They asked if I was okay. I had to laugh because I figure it is just his own issues and I am so over him that I don't really care what he does. I've always been nothing but kind and considerate toward him...even after he treated me so poorly over and over again. I have no issues with him and as long as he doesn't lay his hands (or swat me upside the head with his towel again like he did at the beach), I don't really care what he does. Because as seen last night, his behavior just reflects poorly on himself. Any way, in addition to me, he was a bit of a jerk to a couple of other people and of course they told me about it. I kinda think everyone was talking a bit of trash about him through out the night. Most people don't like his gf - they say she is a bit of a snob and nicknamed her "eastern euro-trash".
I really try not to get into the gossip and have only once spoken to her. Really, if it weren't for everyone feeling like they had to tell me about it, I'd see them both as non-entities. My life is much simpler and much happier with him gone. I'm not even sure what I saw in him. He was a lousy lover and controlling freak. I guess I just liked the attention and was so emotionally hurt with my mom being ill, I made a very bad decision. A few of the ladies in the group, that joined or met me after we had ceased dating, were shocked that I had, "stooped so low as to date him." It is hilarious to see their reaction. I don't talk trash about it but it is hard not to giggle when they looked so shocked. I think I drop a few rungs on their ladder of respect. Hahaha.
Well, it is a lovely Sunday afternoon. Traditional Italian meal cooking. Cabana boy and Boo coming home to dinner. So, I should get back to being the domestic goddess I am. As I cook, I'll mull over the mood swings of the men I date. Perhaps one of these days I'll begin to understand them and why they are such freaks. Hahahaha....yeah right.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Sad and confused
My heart is breaking and I’m not sure who to talk to or how to handle this. I’m not even sure it is an issue. Last night, we went to bed and Cabana boy fell asleep right away. The night before, I had fallen asleep. He is going away for the next several days, so I thought for sure he’d want to have sex. We usually have it every night sometimes 2-3 times a day. So, (due to his work) after having been apart and knowing we’d have to be apart again, I thought for sure he’d want to last night. My feelings were so hurt. Seems crazy that I tie so much to it, but it just seemed odd to me.
I couldn’t sleep so I got up. I went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. We had cleaned up most of it after dinner but I left a lot of stuff dirty in the sink so we could be together. So, since he was asleep, I went down and did the dishes. When I was done, I went back to bed. He awoke and asked me what was wrong. I told him I had only come to bed because I thought that we would fool around and when that didn’t happen, I got up to clean. He immediately replied, “You fell asleep last night.” I pointed out that things seemed strained lately and wanted to know what was up with him. He launched into an explanation that didn’t make sense to me. He said he was married for a long time, then in a 4 year relationship where it was constant fighting. He had no energy left to fight. I didn’t get it. I asked if he thought I was trying to fight with him. It didn’t feel that way to me. He didn’t answer. I told him I don’t feel like I ever give him shit about anything. That I must be a bigger bitch than I think I am. I rolled over to try and sleep. He told me that I wasn’t a bitch. But, he didn’t explain any more to me. I told him I just wanted him to open up to me. If he didn’t want to date any more to tell me. He never said another word to me. Just drifted off to sleep.
I have no idea what is up with him. I don’t know if he is going through stressful stuff. I don’t know if he was just exhausted last night. I don’t know if he is second guessing our relationship. I am so perflexed.
This morning, he acted like nothing happened. Kissed me good bye and hugged me. Then, kissed me good bye again. And hugged me twice. He rarely hugs. So, that threw me for a loop. He said he’d see me Saturday.
I just don’t know what to think. What was last night all about? I’m so sad that he won’t talk to me. I’m sad that I care so much and I can’t figure out where he stands. I’m sad about so much. Part of me wants to hold on hope that he was just stressed and tired. But if that was the case, why didn’t he just tell me that. It was all I needed to hear. There has to be something more he doesn’t want to talk about. So of course, I fear the worst. Problem is, as of late, my worst is usually right. :(
I couldn’t sleep so I got up. I went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. We had cleaned up most of it after dinner but I left a lot of stuff dirty in the sink so we could be together. So, since he was asleep, I went down and did the dishes. When I was done, I went back to bed. He awoke and asked me what was wrong. I told him I had only come to bed because I thought that we would fool around and when that didn’t happen, I got up to clean. He immediately replied, “You fell asleep last night.” I pointed out that things seemed strained lately and wanted to know what was up with him. He launched into an explanation that didn’t make sense to me. He said he was married for a long time, then in a 4 year relationship where it was constant fighting. He had no energy left to fight. I didn’t get it. I asked if he thought I was trying to fight with him. It didn’t feel that way to me. He didn’t answer. I told him I don’t feel like I ever give him shit about anything. That I must be a bigger bitch than I think I am. I rolled over to try and sleep. He told me that I wasn’t a bitch. But, he didn’t explain any more to me. I told him I just wanted him to open up to me. If he didn’t want to date any more to tell me. He never said another word to me. Just drifted off to sleep.
I have no idea what is up with him. I don’t know if he is going through stressful stuff. I don’t know if he was just exhausted last night. I don’t know if he is second guessing our relationship. I am so perflexed.
This morning, he acted like nothing happened. Kissed me good bye and hugged me. Then, kissed me good bye again. And hugged me twice. He rarely hugs. So, that threw me for a loop. He said he’d see me Saturday.
I just don’t know what to think. What was last night all about? I’m so sad that he won’t talk to me. I’m sad that I care so much and I can’t figure out where he stands. I’m sad about so much. Part of me wants to hold on hope that he was just stressed and tired. But if that was the case, why didn’t he just tell me that. It was all I needed to hear. There has to be something more he doesn’t want to talk about. So of course, I fear the worst. Problem is, as of late, my worst is usually right. :(
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Waiting for the Ice to melt
I haven’t told him yet that I love him. I’m terrified to do so. I’m not sure how he will respond and I don’t want to hit any major road bumps. Every week I tell myself, next week I’ll tell him. That I just need a little more time. But next week never comes.
He is the most honest man I have ever met. And, considering the liars that I’ve had to deal with in the past, I think only someone like him could gain my trust and love. There is no pretense about him. Every time I start to get anxious or insecure, I remember who he is. He isn’t a guy who’ll start a relationship with another person while having one with me. He isn’t a sneaky, lying, cheating dirt bag. He isn’t the man who says he loves me but can’t be with me and not be able to explain why. He isn’t a guy who’ll have sex with me and then get out of bed and go online seeking out other women. He doesn’t say one thing and do another. He means what he says and doesn’t operate in the darkness. This is why I love him. So, why can’t I trust him enough to tell him?
He doesn’t open up to many people. It makes me feel so special that I’m someone with whom he’ll talk with for hours. Most people don’t get more than a few minutes of small talk. He is wickedly funny and crazy sarcastic. And, when he thinks he has hurt my feelings with his humor, he takes me into his arms and makes sure I know he was joking.
He doesn’t read women well. He needs for me to be direct and if I am hurting to tell him. This is difficult for me. I’ve realized that it is very difficult for me to open myself to him. But, I’m working on it. I have to remind myself that he’d never intentionally hurt me and therefore, it should be easy for me to tell him when he does. I know he’d do anything I’d ask.
He is beautiful. He has a beautiful face. His arms and chest are absolutely gorgeous. His ass is perfectly shaped. I think because he isn’t tall, he truly doesn’t know how sexy he is. However, I think he knows how fantastic he is in bed. I’m pretty sure he has had many partners and a lot of experience. I don’t ask these questions but can tell by how good he is at making me get the big O. I am having the best sex of my life. He constantly asks me what I want and will do anything I ask. With him, I’ve had the most, the most intensive and the best O’s I’ve ever had…over and over again. Every night, he can go for hours. And, less than an hour later, go again. I’ve never met a man who can keep up with me. He exhausts me every time.
Part of me fears this physical aspect of our relationship is why I’m afraid to tell him I love him. What if he decides that is too much to bear and walks away. I don’t want to lose the sex. But, I also know, I don’t want to be in a “sex only” relationship. I need for him to love me, too. I guess that is why I’m afraid to tell him. I need for him to love me too. And if he doesn’t (yet), I don’t want to pressure him. He is the guy who waits for the ice to melt.
He is the most honest man I have ever met. And, considering the liars that I’ve had to deal with in the past, I think only someone like him could gain my trust and love. There is no pretense about him. Every time I start to get anxious or insecure, I remember who he is. He isn’t a guy who’ll start a relationship with another person while having one with me. He isn’t a sneaky, lying, cheating dirt bag. He isn’t the man who says he loves me but can’t be with me and not be able to explain why. He isn’t a guy who’ll have sex with me and then get out of bed and go online seeking out other women. He doesn’t say one thing and do another. He means what he says and doesn’t operate in the darkness. This is why I love him. So, why can’t I trust him enough to tell him?
He doesn’t open up to many people. It makes me feel so special that I’m someone with whom he’ll talk with for hours. Most people don’t get more than a few minutes of small talk. He is wickedly funny and crazy sarcastic. And, when he thinks he has hurt my feelings with his humor, he takes me into his arms and makes sure I know he was joking.
He doesn’t read women well. He needs for me to be direct and if I am hurting to tell him. This is difficult for me. I’ve realized that it is very difficult for me to open myself to him. But, I’m working on it. I have to remind myself that he’d never intentionally hurt me and therefore, it should be easy for me to tell him when he does. I know he’d do anything I’d ask.
He is beautiful. He has a beautiful face. His arms and chest are absolutely gorgeous. His ass is perfectly shaped. I think because he isn’t tall, he truly doesn’t know how sexy he is. However, I think he knows how fantastic he is in bed. I’m pretty sure he has had many partners and a lot of experience. I don’t ask these questions but can tell by how good he is at making me get the big O. I am having the best sex of my life. He constantly asks me what I want and will do anything I ask. With him, I’ve had the most, the most intensive and the best O’s I’ve ever had…over and over again. Every night, he can go for hours. And, less than an hour later, go again. I’ve never met a man who can keep up with me. He exhausts me every time.
Part of me fears this physical aspect of our relationship is why I’m afraid to tell him I love him. What if he decides that is too much to bear and walks away. I don’t want to lose the sex. But, I also know, I don’t want to be in a “sex only” relationship. I need for him to love me, too. I guess that is why I’m afraid to tell him. I need for him to love me too. And if he doesn’t (yet), I don’t want to pressure him. He is the guy who waits for the ice to melt.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Mom Reflections
Today I try to shake off the “blah” feeling I have. Actually, I’m okay with the blah, just not the overwhelming desire to weep. Sunday was such a happy yet bitter sweet occasion and I wonder if every happy occasion from now on will feel the same. Boo, after her struggle in high school, managed to graduate college with a GPA that matched mine (thank God not her father’s 2.3!) If Mom was alive, she would have been there. Instead, I attended the graduation with my ex and his family. Not that I don’t like them – hell, his step parents (one for each parent) each like me better than him. LOL. But, it just wasn’t the same without Mom. I know she would have been just as proud. She was the biggest cheerleader for her kids and grandkids.
I totally miss talking to her. I have to confess there was a time when I dreaded it. C2 can attest to the many phone calls I refused to take. Not that I didn’t want to talk to Mom…just I despise talking on the phone. It hurts my ear. I know, you don’t believe me, but it is true. It does. And I hate it! But, living 300+ miles from Mom made it our primary source of communication….especially after she lost her sight and ability to operate the computer. So, I adapted.
I hate driving in rush hour traffic. So, I decided, since I was already irritated with the traffic, I would call Mom. Figured even the annoyance of the phone would be minimized by irritation of the morons that have yet to figure out how to use their signals, pay attention to their driving, or not be a complete self-absorbed individual who thinks they own the road. So, the ritual started. Every couple of days or so, I’d call mom on the ride home. Although, half of the conversation sounded something like this:
Me:Oh man! You idiot !
Mom: What?
Me: You should have seen what this moron just did. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Mom: Maybe you should call me later?
Me: No, I’m good.
Add that to the fact that I always felt like there wasn’t anything to talk about. It just seemed like we were saying the same stuff over and over again. I often wondered how much the fact that I’d call while I driving bugged Mom and how mundane it must seem for her. Then, one day, my little sis told me that Mom told her how much she enjoyed our conversations. After that, I started making mental notes of things that happened during the day that Mom might enjoy hearing about. I felt that way, I could just babble about my day and Mom would be happy to have me called and to know I was “still alive and kicking” and maybe, perhaps, she’d even be entertained.
After she passed away, I’d still make the mental list. Usually in the middle of the thought, I’d realize the phone call wasn’t going to happen. And, every once in awhile, mostly when stuck in traffic, I’d think, I need to call Mom. Then realize that wasn’t going to happen.
It is funny how something so dreadful turned into something I actually looked forward to and enjoyed. So much so, that now, I miss it. I mean, I can still babble to her in my head. But, I don’t get the benefit of her replies, whether they be a chuckle, some sage advice or something totally ridiculous. I miss that!
I totally miss talking to her. I have to confess there was a time when I dreaded it. C2 can attest to the many phone calls I refused to take. Not that I didn’t want to talk to Mom…just I despise talking on the phone. It hurts my ear. I know, you don’t believe me, but it is true. It does. And I hate it! But, living 300+ miles from Mom made it our primary source of communication….especially after she lost her sight and ability to operate the computer. So, I adapted.
I hate driving in rush hour traffic. So, I decided, since I was already irritated with the traffic, I would call Mom. Figured even the annoyance of the phone would be minimized by irritation of the morons that have yet to figure out how to use their signals, pay attention to their driving, or not be a complete self-absorbed individual who thinks they own the road. So, the ritual started. Every couple of days or so, I’d call mom on the ride home. Although, half of the conversation sounded something like this:
Me:
Mom: What?
Me: You should have seen what this moron just did. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Mom: Maybe you should call me later?
Me: No, I’m good.
Add that to the fact that I always felt like there wasn’t anything to talk about. It just seemed like we were saying the same stuff over and over again. I often wondered how much the fact that I’d call while I driving bugged Mom and how mundane it must seem for her. Then, one day, my little sis told me that Mom told her how much she enjoyed our conversations. After that, I started making mental notes of things that happened during the day that Mom might enjoy hearing about. I felt that way, I could just babble about my day and Mom would be happy to have me called and to know I was “still alive and kicking” and maybe, perhaps, she’d even be entertained.
After she passed away, I’d still make the mental list. Usually in the middle of the thought, I’d realize the phone call wasn’t going to happen. And, every once in awhile, mostly when stuck in traffic, I’d think, I need to call Mom. Then realize that wasn’t going to happen.
It is funny how something so dreadful turned into something I actually looked forward to and enjoyed. So much so, that now, I miss it. I mean, I can still babble to her in my head. But, I don’t get the benefit of her replies, whether they be a chuckle, some sage advice or something totally ridiculous. I miss that!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New year - New Hope
New Year's Eve was spent with my wonderful group of friends. I didn't have to wish "good riddance" to 2012 as I had several years ago. And, as happened in the past few years, I was not snuggling up with some guy who was pretending to be someone he was not. I had three invites and chose the one where my closest friends would be. I was told many times how happy/content I seemed. I felt that way because I felt loved! It was a wonderful celebration with food, drink, a bonfire and dancing. We partied til 3 a.m. and I fell to sleep exhausted at the beautiful blonde's house.
My cabana boy was not there. We've been apart for weeks and I feel like it's taking its toll on me. Our schedules have been conflicting since mid-December. We've stolen a day together here and there. But, it feels like we are the 500 miles apart that we are. We still text daily and sometimes for hours on end. So, I know I shouldn't feel so isolated from him. But I do. My general anxiety over relationships seems to have gotten worse in the past year. Perhaps because I've met so many men who pretend to be someone they are not. Perhaps because I feel like I've given up on the hope that I can find someone who adores me for me and won't run scared when I tell him I love him. I don't know what is causing it, but it is there. I'm doing my best to hide it from CB. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job or not. My gfs tell me they can see in his eyes how much he adores me. He seems to completely accept me and there is no effort to change me. But, he also often states he doesn't want drama and wants to keep things happy between us. I have no idea what that means. And, I over analyze it. Does it mean he isn't serious? And why does that matter? He is honest, faithful and loving. That should be all I need for now. I don't need a commitment for the rest of my life. I've had enough guys tell me they are "certain I am the one", only to walk away a month later.
I know he has been through a rough time and there is still heartache in him that he won't talk about. I know that he feels estranged from his family and a bit like an outcast for being divorced. I know that he needs to be a "manly man" and as a result, won't talk about things. And, I have told myself that I can accept these things in him because I love who we are together. I love the way he trusts me implicitly and I him. I love the way he can get me to chill out and de-stress. I love our physical relationship (best ever!!!!!!). I have to have faith in these things. This I know...it is just so hard to do.
I can't wait til the end of January, when we both will have more time to spend with each other and I can be reassured. I hope....or at least will try to hold that hope! After all, it is the new year!
My cabana boy was not there. We've been apart for weeks and I feel like it's taking its toll on me. Our schedules have been conflicting since mid-December. We've stolen a day together here and there. But, it feels like we are the 500 miles apart that we are. We still text daily and sometimes for hours on end. So, I know I shouldn't feel so isolated from him. But I do. My general anxiety over relationships seems to have gotten worse in the past year. Perhaps because I've met so many men who pretend to be someone they are not. Perhaps because I feel like I've given up on the hope that I can find someone who adores me for me and won't run scared when I tell him I love him. I don't know what is causing it, but it is there. I'm doing my best to hide it from CB. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job or not. My gfs tell me they can see in his eyes how much he adores me. He seems to completely accept me and there is no effort to change me. But, he also often states he doesn't want drama and wants to keep things happy between us. I have no idea what that means. And, I over analyze it. Does it mean he isn't serious? And why does that matter? He is honest, faithful and loving. That should be all I need for now. I don't need a commitment for the rest of my life. I've had enough guys tell me they are "certain I am the one", only to walk away a month later.
I know he has been through a rough time and there is still heartache in him that he won't talk about. I know that he feels estranged from his family and a bit like an outcast for being divorced. I know that he needs to be a "manly man" and as a result, won't talk about things. And, I have told myself that I can accept these things in him because I love who we are together. I love the way he trusts me implicitly and I him. I love the way he can get me to chill out and de-stress. I love our physical relationship (best ever!!!!!!). I have to have faith in these things. This I know...it is just so hard to do.
I can't wait til the end of January, when we both will have more time to spend with each other and I can be reassured. I hope....or at least will try to hold that hope! After all, it is the new year!
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