On my mind

Lots of things on my mind lately. I've been too (lazy) busy to write. Well, I've not been out and out lazy. I've been working like the dickens to get the basement "project" wrapped up. Boo is complaining because it looks "half finished" because it is half finished! It is exactly where I expected to take it. It is irritating when I spend over 22 hours (in the past 4 days) working on the flipping place just to have her lack luster response. Every muscle in my body aches! But, the spackling, sanding, priming, painting, cleaning, and putting the room back together is done! Tomorrow morning, hopefully my friend B will show up, and we will finish with trim on door, haning blinds and he will finish the electrical sockets. I will be glad to have that behind me. Next project will be cleaning out the "closet" (under stairs) and organizing my tools. I really want all the junk in the basement gone through and most of it tossed! But, when I haven't been doing that, instead of writing, I've been reading and f-ing around on the internet. I've been very guity of procrastinating getting the thoughts out and on paper!

I think I have been dealing well with losing yet another friend. Not really lost but moved far enough away that the friendship is on a "see you once in one to two weeks" time frame rather than the couple times a week, it had been for the past year. It takes more planning for us to see each other. And, I really do hate communicating via phone/text/IM. But, I tolerate it, knowing it is the best we can do. Considering about 1 year ago, I lost BFE (to a move as well), I think emotionally I am handling it quite well. It sucks that la tres amigas are no longer together. It is like a period of revival is gone from my life. I don't know how to explain it other than I was given a chance to relive the type of life I had in college. Not quite as carefree because I have work and Boo to deal with. But it was still a 3 year period where I had two "sisters" who I could completely count on for everything... fun times, emotional support (boy did we need that!), mental stimulation, and being there physically during sickness and rides to the airport. I haven't had that sort of love and support in my life since my sorority in college. I feel so blessed to have relived that. And, I think I just had the healthiest mid-life crisis anyone has ever had!

And, I'm sad that it is over. But I'm not devastated. I don't feel hurt and abandoned. I don't feel like I can't go on. I know they will always be there for me... just further away and not always right then and there. More than anything, I am thankful that God gave me a chance to have a friendship with two loving, caring, intelligent, funny, most fabulous women for such a long time. It is neat how when we needed each other the most, He put us together. We are each stronger, more compassionate, and better people for it.

As far as PJ goes. Things are good. It's been 4 months and I think I'm starting to trust this relationship. It is only because i can look back and know the man and know he is trustworthy. I need that considering the distance. I'm even okay with the distance. And, if he decides the city is where he is moving next, I'm content to stay put and commute to see him until he gets sick of the city. I trust our relationship that much (today anyway. we all know how crazy I am about relationship, ha!).

The one thing that still plagues me is the intense hatred I have for the sneaky, lying, cheating ex. When I think of how happy I am and how much beauty I have experienced in my life since he left, I feel like I should not have such an intense loathing for the bastard and the little vamp. But I do. Every ounce of me hates those two and hope for nothing but misery to fall upon their lives. I hate him, hate him, hate him and hate him! I've never acted on the hatred, which, of course, is good. But it is still there and i fear it is eating a hole into my soul. After almost 4 years, you'd think I could let it go.

And, 3 of those 4 years have been fabulous! I've had some misery when it came to men/dating, but I've had wonderful, beautiful years. Most of which, would not have come to fruition if the lousy bastard was still in my life. So why, oh why can't I let it go? I used to think it was because I was having trouble (at my age) finding someone. But now I've been reunited with the most fabulous man in my life. I understand the bastard hurt me in the worst way, but I should still be able to let go. I need to let go of the betrayal, let go of the hurt and let go of the hatred. But I don't know how. So, I'm going to see the smartest counsellor ever to see what she says about it. I'll let you know how that turns out.