Ex-friend final chapter

So after talking to my girls and rereading the email chains, I realized I had miswritten what I wanted to say. This happens so much when we are upset, doesn’t it? Any way, on Monday, I wrote to ex-friend that we could meet for lunch on Wednesday. Then, on Wednesday morning, I sent the following email:

I want to tell you these two things before you talk today…

1. I could not figure out why you were so pissed off. So I reread our email exchange (several times) and I realized what I wrote was NOT what I meant. (as if that hasn’t happened before). I meant I would no longer ask for help on a particular task. That was what I had issue with. It wasn’t like I didn’t have problem with accepting the help on particular tasks that you offer. Like when you offer to take me to the airport, come down and help with rocks, help with Claudia’s wedding, to change the brakes on my car, to take my car to have the timing belt changed…the list goes on and on and on. For each and every one of those things I am grateful and happy that I’ve had you in my life to help. Each one of those tasks were your ideas and you offering. That is not what I was talking about at all. I would hate for you to think that I am not grateful for all of that. And, I think my response to you would give you that impression. It is not true one iota.

2. You bore the brunt of my frustration of several people letting me down…all of this due to the baggage with Michael. I went to see Terry last night to talk about it and I better understand what is going on with me. I am carrying a huge hurt that has not healed. Therefore, when I’m hurt or let down, I WAY over react to it. Again, there has been a lot of hurt this summer, by so many different people. And my flippant response to you was due to that hurt. So again, I am sorry for that response. Not just because it was misdirected at you but also because it wasn’t even what I wanted to say.

Well that is it. I wanted to be sure you understood these two things before lunch. See you later.

At lunch, I realized he couldn’t understand the difference between asking someone to help or accepting help that is volunteered. I’m not sure if he was being dense or obstinate. I asked him what his intention was by ignoring my emails. He said he felt like they were escalating and it was the only choice he had. I pointed out he had other choices…like telling me he didn’t want to talk about it, like saying he needed some time to himself, etc. But I viewed silence as a punishment on his part. He smirked and it was all I needed to know. He was still trying to control me. I hate that. I dropped it.

He kept trying to get me to admit that I should ask him for help and I refused. I tried the best I could to get him to understand my point of view and it went nowhere. We chatted about it and after awhile he shut down. After lunch he sent me the following:

Thanks for going to lunch and taking the time to explain your feelings and reasoning’s. I also tried to communicate my side but not sure if either of us really understood the other. I think we finally just got tired of saying the same thing. So I’m struggling for some kind of closure, some kind of lesson that could be considered positive from this. I’m accepting ideas in bringing something to light if you have anything to offer. Cause as nice as it was to see you it wasn’t one of the more enjoyable times I’ve had with you, same for you I expect. Anyway, we showed up and gave it the ol college try, right J.
Hope you have a good evening… drive careful.

I had to laugh. Yes, he didn’t understand me but I understood him completely. I tried to temper my response:

I’m glad we had lunch too. I think I have a better handle on it all than you... mostly because I’ve been through a lot more difficult situations. These are the things that I know from those and would apply here.

I know that when it comes to other people, they often do things you would not. And, just because they do something you find hurtful, it doesn’t make them or their motives bad or wrong. It is just something you would not do based on your history. That is why I can easily say, “it’s all good” after someone hurts me.

Just because you can’t understand something, it doesn’t mean you can’t accept it. There are too many things in this world that are incomprehensible. But we can accept they are what they are.

I also believe you can’t make people behave the way you want. All you can control is your reaction to it. So the best you can do is tell them it is hurtful and ask for them not to do it again. After that, you have to resign yourself to either accept their behavior or to step back from the relationship.

I know it isn’t the resolution you wanted. My guess is you wanted me to say that I would keep asking you for help. And I thought about just going with that and letting you feel better. But, it isn’t true and it wouldn’t be right.

I feel that you have trouble accepting things about me and try through whatever means you can to change me. But, there are things that just are and only God can heal and cause the change. I do the best I can, but can’t promise that things will change. It is what scares me about PJ because I’m afraid these things will drive him away. And, if they do, then God didn’t mean for that relationship either. And, why I don’t understand any of this, I know that it is and in God’s time, I will understand it.

So, as a result, I feel much better because I have a little better understanding of what was going on inside your head.

Drive safe and have a nice evening.

He responded briefly last night. And, today he wrote me a short morning email and I expect our relationship to stay on that very shallow level. I’m good with it because I saw it heading in that direction anyway. I’m sure over time, the correspondence will become fewer and further between. And, I’m good with it.