Back to the Gym

I went back to the gym today. It is the first time in awhile since I’ve been there. We have a few weeks before outdoor soccer starts. I decided instead of sucking wind the first few games while I “get my legs back”, I’d start running at the gym to try and prevent the general decline in stamina that comes with sitting around eating bon bons between soccer seasons. If I was ever a writer and I had writer’s block, I’d go to the gym to relieve the block. I’m not saying the workout would help with writer’s block, no…the gym experience is just so entertaining, it’s hard not to share it.

The first amusing aspect is the usual checking out of each other without looking conspicuous or the least bit interested while avoiding eye contact at all costs. I wonder if the guys think they are actually being sly when they do this. I’ve gotten over being self conscious about it and try to catch their eye. (Yes, I can turn just about anything into a game. This is one of the advantages to being a kid in a grown up body.) Sometimes I manage to catch their eye and I’m met with a quick turn of the head and a slight blush. This causes me internal fits of giggles. Yeah, I can’t laugh out loud or I’d be “that crazy lady that’s always laughing at the gym.”

I decided to do the, oh damn, what’s the name of the stupid machine I use. Oh, the elliptical machine…I was thinking of how to describe the motion of the machine and I realized what it was called – doh! Any way, I climbed on board and started ellipting away (Yes, ellipting is a word…I just declared it so). Even with music…which I stupidly forgot today, this is the most boring thing to do on the face of the planet. Well, besides watching curling. No, I take that back. I think watching curling is more entertaining…did you see the pants the Norwegians were wearing?

Oh, where was I? That’s right, being bored on the elliptical machine. No wonder I digressed. I tried to alleviate my boredom by watching the TV. It was tuned into CNN and that was moving just way too slow. The other was on music videos and seriously, even with the music playing, they are absolutely dull! I came to the conclusion that people who are runners must not even be the least bit challenged with ADD or my variety which includes the H. I figure I must be about half way done with the workout, so I look down at the clock. What???? Only seven minutes. Oh man! How will I make the time go faster? I try to look around but the machines don’t face the rest of the gym. They should. It’d be more entertaining then the TV screens. Actually, I decided that each machine should come with its own video screen. That way you can bring your own entertainment…DVD or channel surf. I’d turn on Jeopardy – that would keep my mind busy. Or NCIS – a mystery and couple of cute guys solving it – works for me.

But alas, no one has invented such innovative machines yet. Well, at least my cheapo gym doesn’t have them. So I focus on my environment. I noticed the left side of my body was hotter than the right side. It really was. I’m not making this stuff up. I glance over and see a fairly large man ellipting next to me. He is sweating bullets. I’m absolutely positive he was radiating enough heat to bridge the 2-1/2 foot gap between us and was heating up the left side of my body. I try not to focus on him.

I look to the right to see a girl ellipting a few spots over. She has brought a book to read while ellipting (see, now that I’ve used the word several times, you are starting to think that if doesn’t exist, it should). I am jealous of such people. If I tried to read and ellipt, I’d get motion sickness. Yup after 3 minutes, I’d get dizzy and nauseous. If I didn’t stop, there’d be hell to pay! But, this girl is amazing. I say this because of the way she ellipts. It’s hard to describe….all I can say is imagine Jar-Jar Binks on an elliptical machine. Now exaggerate his movements and you have this girl. With all that movement, I can’t figure out how she manages to keep her eyes on the page. I wouldn’t even need to try and read a book and I’d have motion sickness if I ellipted like that. Hell, I was getting motion sickness just watching her.

So I go back to watching CNN and the music videos. If I looked from one to another enough times, it isn’t quite as boring. A really cool song came on…”Said, if you want to call me baby (Just go ahead, now) An' if you'd like to tell me maybe (Just go ahead, now) An' If you wanna buy me flowers (Just go ahead, now) And if you'd like to talk for hours (Just go ahead, now).” (okay, bonus points if you can name the song and artist). And finally, time was up.

The stretching is more fodder for the writer but I’m afraid you’re as bored as I was ellipting away. Next time I pick a spot with a view to the “weight lifting, plumage puffing, strong man strutting games” and my music. I definitely need the music. Actually what I really need is a ball to chase and a couple of people in my way. That always makes running 1000x more entertaining. Come on soccer season!