wish I could

My mom is in the hospital.  It's been very rough for me.  I love her dearly and want what's best for her.  I know as of late, her life isn't all that great.  She has emphysema and is blind.  Getting around gets harder and harder for her each day.  I just want her to be comfortable and happy...neither of which I think she can achieve.   It's heartbreaking for me.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for her.

I also am embarrassed to say, I wish I could have uttered some words to her the last time I saw her.  She asked me to pray for her.  I did so but silently.  I've never been good at praying out loud.  So, on Monday night, I laid hands on her and prayed.  I prayed for healing and if that wasn't to come at least for her comfort and peace. I prayed for able bodied and compassionate care givers.  From now on, I will always pray for compassionate care givers for anyone in the hospital because I now know how important that is.  Lastly, I prayed for her soul.   I wanted to do it out loud, but I couldn't.  I wish I could, but I couldn't. 

The next morning, before I left to travel back home, I prayed again.  This time I told her I was praying for her.  She said she knew I had prayed for her last night, too.  I should have taken that time and asked if she believed in Christ and would claim him as her Savior.  I couldn't though.  I am not a strong enough Christian and feel like I have failed in not doing so.  I believe that God knows our hearts and if Mom is asking for prayers, it must mean she believes.  But, I didn't ask and for that, I am ashamed.  I feel like I let everyone down...Mom, my Christian friends, me, God.  I do wish I could have done it.  Perhaps I'll get a second chance.  Perhaps not.  I hope my fear and lack of faith can be forgiven.

I just wish I could have done it differently.