A lot of Loss going on

My mom died on January 9.  It's weird to write that and hard to come out and say it to people.  There are some people I wanted to know and no one else had mentioned it to them, so I had to say those words.  It's been a really rough thing for me.  And, I've been hard on myself.  You see, I know mom is resting now and in heaven (if it exists) and I should be glad her suffering is ended. But I miss her.  I know it is okay to miss her and want her back but I don't know it too.  I feel guilty for not having talked to her more about God...in part because I think I failed her and in part because my faith seems so weak right now.  I'm questioning His existence and I don't know how to resolve that.  I feel so much loss right now.  It's weird, like I've entered into this "lost a parent" club.  Other people who have lost one seem to come out of the woodwork to support me...people I wouldn't call "friends" but more I'm on friendly terms with them.  Like many things, I guess since they have gone through it, they understand the weirdness that you feel.  I'm at a loss of words to describe it.  I guess that is why it seems like this secret club.

I've had a couple of other losses, too.  My little sister and I had a falling out when I was up for the funeral.  She's been my best friend since she was born...except for a period of time where she was mad at me and not speakign to me for some unknown reason.  Italians are weird!  Any way, this time she really hurt me and I'm not sure I can forgive her.  There are some things you can excuse or forgive but this is something I'm not sure I can.  She is being completely selfish and doesn't seem to care about anyone.  I'm sure it is part of her grieving process and I'd like to give her some grace, but I'm strugglign with it.  She hurt me so bad when I was already hurting.  So again, more conflicted emotions going on inside me. 

Finally, there is Boo going to move out on Saturday.  I've been waiting for this - her growing up and getting out on her own.  It's only to a college dorm but still.  A huge milestone.  I'm super anxious about anything Boo, of course.  And, this is no exception.  And, while I'm happy and relieved she'll be out on her own and (hopefully) maturing, I'm sad to loose her.

Theres' a lot of loss going on right now....Terry said this to me on Sunday.  It helped me to make sense of the anxiety and overwhelming saddness I am feeling.  One would expect to be sad at this time (having lost my mom) but I was sad to the point of not wanting to get  out of bed or be around people...of wanting to push people away or be mean to them.  A crazy reaction, especially when I know I get so much from being around others.   It was killing me.  I couldn't even begin to verbalize what was going on - it was like emotional chaos inside me - bouncing around.  I wanted to hide from everyone.  After our talk, I felt better. I at least can now define the chaos, although not sure what I'll do with it.

Things with YBBK are still going strong.  He's been my rock through this thing.  Part of me wants to lean heavy on him and the other part doesn't - fearing becoming attached to someone who won't be there in the long run.  I'm trying to protect my heart.  He's a good man - honest, caring and sweet.  But, as I've learned in the past, men may seem emotionally stable or wanting the same thing I do but really not be there at all.  They call women tricky but they really are the tricky ones.  They bury their emotions, denying them until they come frothing to the surface,destroying everything around them.  So, this week, we'll have time apart.  I'm working my church's cold weather shelter for the 4th year in a row.  This year I'm doing only 3 days...shortest time I've ever put in. But the group I'm in is big and we should have more than enough people.   So, I don't feel (too) bad about it. 

Well, this has been quite the emotional "dump".  I really need to write more...except when I feel like this, it's hard.