Cold and Broken Hallelujah

I’m having a rough week. A hurricane made it’s way through our area – the whole eastern seaboard, actually. I had to cut my vacation short. That didn’t really bother me much. Just one less day at the beach. I replaced it with going out with my friends and had a lovely time.

I invited my friend over to ride out the storm the night of hurricane. He’s a nice guy – lots of issues, but a nice guy. Funny how at one time I was interested in him but as time went by and I got to know him, I realized he has the personality that I could never deal with as a BF. But, I can love him as a friend and we do have good times together as friends. So, we had dinner and watched movies until I kicked him out. The storm took out my power in the middle of the night – 3:10 a.m. to be exact.

Not having power didn’t really bug me. I was just rolling with the punches.  I ate out – which I do quite frequently any way. Showered at a friends – had lots of offers from friends to eat and shower at their house, actually. I strive to be a good friend and I’ve found that it is always returned to me tenfold. I’m quite blessed. I try to remember this; I do.

But the day the power came back on, it all fell apart. On my way home, I was in slow traffic on the highway and was passed by two guys weaving in and out of traffic on crotch rockets. It always upsets me to see that. A few minutes later, I see the result of their behavior. There, lying in front of the driver’s side wheel of a tractor trailer was one of the motorcycles. As soon as I saw it, I started screaming. I couldn’t stop. As I drove by, it appeared the bike driver was actually standing above the bike, looking at it. On the left shoulder, the second motorcycle was parked and the driver running back. I couldn’t stop crying the whole way home. I checked and there was no fatality…but I can’t imagine how anyone would survive that crash. I swore I was seeing a ghost when I saw the one boy standing over the bike. 

When I got home, I started cleaning out my refrigerator. Everything was spoiled. Luckily, I had been traveling the weekends prior, so there wasn’t much to spoil. But still lost at least $100 in food, I’m sure. Then, when I tried to open the garage door using the (brand new) garage door opener, I couldn’t get it to work. Now that the power was back on, I couldn’t figure out why and that is when I lost it. I screamed and cried out to God. I let out all my anger and disappointment. I screamed and cried for at least 15 minutes. I told Him how sick and tired I am of having no one to help me. I’m tired of everything falling on my shoulders. I’ve spent 5 years growing and becoming strong but would like a break. I want someone in my life I can count on to be there. I want someone that can take care of me as well as I can take care of them. I want someone who will hold me at night and be faithful to me. I am so done with having to put on a happy face and move along the path I’m on. I told Him I was done. I am sick of this stupid existence He has given me. I hate it. That it was my turn to have something good for me. I begged Him to help me figure out how to fix the stupid door. As I climbed on the ladder at one end, I screamed and screamed that I am not able to handle what I have been given. And then moved the ladder to the other end, crying out. I fiddle with the stupid door and carrier and then figured out how to fix it. I thanked God for His help and shut the door.

But, this feeling hasn’t left me. I am tired. I am so tired of feeling lonely despite the love and friends that surround me. I’m tired of not getting affection from a significant other. I’m tired of not having sex. I’m tired of not having a person I can count on. I’m tired of having guys that I couldn't imagine myself dating showing interest in me and guys that I like turning out to be liars, cowards, users, cheats or just not worthy of my affection. I’m tired of feeling outcast and broken.

I’ve prayed; I’ve tried to be good and kind. I’ve tried to experience new things and enjoy the freedom I have. But I’m still not content. I’ve tried to look at those who are less fortunate…friends who have lost their jobs, lost their children, lost their homes. These are things that would devastate me…I know this. I know God has blessed me in those ways. And, I try to find comfort in it.

But despite how hard I seek, I am still discontent. I am still sad and tired. Just so very tired of it all.

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Is how to shoot someone who outdrew ya

It's not a cry you hear at night
It's not someone who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.