Heartache

My heart is aching today. I miss him so much. I don’t miss his yelling at me. I don’t miss his running out in the middle of the night and refusal to speak with me. I don’t miss the person who refused to talk to and explain to me what I needed to hear. I miss the person I thought he was. I miss the guy who I thought knew and understood my heart. The guy who saw what I had been through and didn’t get angry at me for feeling insecure. The guy would hold me in his arms and tell me all the worries in his heart and listen to mine. The guy who didn’t judge. He seemed to protest that too much. I can live with people who judge like that in my life. But, I didn’t think that was his.

I miss gazing into his eyes and getting lost in the blue sea. I miss sitting next to him and being drawn into him. I miss the way he could make me blush without saying a word. I miss his gentle hands and gentle ways. I missed hearing the truth and seeing a compassionate soul. I miss talking for hours on end. I miss that part of him that he showed me…the person he wanted to be. Not the person he truly was.

I try to tell myself that the anger that was directed toward me wasn’t a result of me. But I can’t help thinking it was. If I had been more confident, more calm, displayed less hurt and more restraint, that he’d still be here. That he’d be there for me to come home to tonight. So I could lie in his arms and tell him how terrible my day has been, how much pressure is on me at work, how overwhelmed and incapable I feel. So he could rub my hair and tell me that I’ll get the hang of it and eventually be very successful, that I have a kind heart and beautiful soul, that everything will be okay.

But it isn’t true. No one will be there to hold me and say those things to me. The person I fell was imaginary and probably doesn’t exist. I probably won’t ever