Saturday

I made a mistake Saturday and agreed to see him.  It is the first time I saw him since he left angry two weeks earlier.   It was meant to help to provide closure for me.  It only open my wounds and caused pain.  He blamed me for everything.  That he couldn't have someone like me in his life  Told me I needed to heal more before I was ready for a relationship. 
 
The odd part is when I left the meeting, I felt like everything he said was true.  I felt lousy.  Then, I thought about it and talked to my friends.  His observations were way off base.  He was totally missing things about me that I thought he has seen and recognized.

So many things he said he didn't like other people doing, he did. He blamed me for his weaknesses and the resulting behavior.    He pointed out all my communication flaws without acknowledging his own.  Never once did he point to his weaknesses and explain how he had done some unacceptable things, as well. Never once did he apologize for his behaviors.  

So when he texted me at 11:50 at night, telling me "I'm really glad we got together - I hope it was of value to you - it certainly was for m...thank you! I hope you have a wonderful trip."   I realized that he made himself feel better at my expense.  He made himself feel healthy by calling me unhealthy.  He cast blame on me to exonerate himself.  So of course, while I was feeling hurt and wounded, he was feeling better. 

I asked to call and talk.  And, I defended myself.  I told him that while I have broken people in my life, they aren't there to make me feel better about myself but there because one of my spiritual gifts is compassion.  They are placed in my life for me to help.  My closest friends are healthy and they help keep me grounded.  I told him that broken people are drawn to broken people - not healthy.  That I had to be healthy (or unspoken he had to be unhealthy) if I was was drawn toward him.   That I had healed all my past abandoned relationships.  That I am friends with both ex's and good with my dad.  I told him that my insecurity with him stemmed for our physical relationship starting too soo and it being in direct conflict with what I think I should do - therefore causing issues.  That he missed this.  That when I supposedly didn't accept his forgiveness that he had never communicated to me that I was forgiven.  That he was throwing stones at my communication skills while his weren't perfect (not in those terms).  That yes, I have abandonment issues, but they aren't something that can't be worked out in a loving caring relationship.  That I am not as broken as he thinks I am. 

It was late and he probably thought I was just defending myself.  Maybe he thought again I was casting stones at him...like he did the last time I had asked for what I needed from a relationship.  He stated a few things back but not much other dialogue.  It seemed to end amicably.  I'm not sure if any of it got through to him. 

I know I am not perfect.  I know that I have my issues.  I admit when I have them and try to warn my partner about them.  I will be more careful of that in the future. 

But what I need to be sure of now, is that I realize he is not the man he portrayed to me.  He is not the compassionate, understanding, emotionally mature, communicative person he thinks he is.  He has issues and he can't admit them.  He is controlling and judgemental. 

I need to keep telling myself these things because otherwise, I'll keep being sad and missing him.  It isn't him that I miss but the image of him that I saw and wanted.  He is not the man for me.  He knew how to do some of the right things that lead me to believe he was the right person.  But his anger and blame prove to me he isn't.  He isn't the man that will be able to walk through the ups and downs of life with me.  Sadly, he just isn't the one.