Face it

I think I slept a few hours, if I was lucky last night.  It was awful.  I prayed for healing for YBBK and forgiveness for being dishonest and hurting him.  But mostly I replayed everything I've done wrong in my head over and over and over again.  Not just with YBBK but with everyone in the last few years.  It's rough.

I kept thinking of the comic that we went to see and how he described what women want.   He was spot on.  Why are we so ridiculous in our needs but I do want someone who is masculine but tender.  Takes care of things but isn't controlling....and the list goes on.  As I listened to him I thought, YBBK is just the perfect mix.  I'm so lucky I have him.  His ex was so stupid to take him for granted and hurt him the way she did. 

I felt soo soo glad we got to know each other and I was enjoying his company...so much so that I got extremely insecure over the weekend.  All the loss around me exasperated it.  Or so I thought.  Maybe it was just a premonition of what was to come.  I made a conscious decision on Sunday to let go my past insecurities and just enjoy the moment.  And I did it.  I told myself not to take him for granted and to enjoy what we had.   It was so special. 

I don't think he realizes how special it was.  He hasn't been dating for long and he doesn't know how bleak the dating scene is at our age.  Maybe it is better for men.  Maybe what I felt wasn't what he felt - kinda  like your worst nightmare scenario.  He certainly fooled me if that was the case.  I don't want to second guess and pick apart everything.  But, I probably will.  I spend so much of my life taking things at face value.  Loving and trusting with abandon.  Missing signs I should have seen and then when my world comes crashing down, I second guess and wonder.   I don't want to do that.  I want to keep being a little pollyanna, but maybe that's wrong.

 I don't write when I'm happy.  I noticed that.  So maybe that tells me that I did really immerse myself in the joy I was experiencing.   I'll hold that thought tight, as I go through this time.  I don't know how I'll function at work today.  I still have year end reviews to get finished, goals and objectives to write, and then the normal everyday little fires.  Maybe I'll get into hyperdrive and get it done. But I don't really see that happening.  Last night I considered calling west coast company and resubmitting my name for the job they want me for.  I think part of that is me running away but part of that is just letting go of a place that holds very little for me.  I know they'll hire me if I go out there for the interview.  I just don't think it is right to put their time and money on the line when I'm not emotionally set on doing this. 

I should talk to my friends today but know I won't.  BFE and BFF are the only ones who'll understand and I wont' be ashamed to tell of my screw up and failure. They will both love on me and try to hold me up.  But right now, I just want to lie here and cry.