Snowed In

My snow came. Funny, at around 3 p.m. I thought I was going to be let down. There was some snow and then rain. I figured we weren’t getting more, even though the weather man said otherwise. I felt my heart sink and hope dwindle. I felt silly for believing the snow came to comfort me and tried to keep from losing faith and getting sad.


YBBK decided to come up and help out at the shelter. It really blew my mind away. I didn’t really think he’d want to do it. Not meaning I didn’t think he’d want to help at the shelter but being around me. It’s hard not to fall into my despair of thinking that there is something so wrong with me that no man can tolerate being with me. So when he said he wanted to go, I felt better about our friendship. At that time, I had figured there wouldn’t be much snow.

I was going to give him the address of the church so he could meet me there. But he was willing to meet me at my place. As he got closer to the house, it started to snow a bit. By the time he arrived it was apparent that the roads weren’t good for me to be out on in my car (not the best tires right now, should rectify that). So, I was thankful he showed up and let me ride with him. I still didn’t expect it to last and figured by the time we were done, so would the snow. But it kept coming. I couldn’t be out in it because I needed to be at the shelter.

It was good to be there despite the issues with a certain someone. I found out my little 6 year old will have a home next week. I’m so happy for her and her family. It is great when you get to hear good news despite all the sadness going on around you. My young mom and baby didn’t show but I was told they had called and were okay. And my lady friend was late but there. She hugged me when she saw me. 

On the way back to my place, we were stuck in traffic forever due to a probable road closing. I felt like hell. I had no idea it was going to be so bad or that I shouldn’t have taken that road. I could tell he was annoyed and I just wanted to fix it but didn’t know how. Eventually we made the best of it and got to a back road and home. It was beautiful when we got there. Snow is so beautiful at night. I was sad I couldn’t go out walking in it. There is nothing like walking in the woods (or anywhere when no woods are available) when the snow falls. But, when we got back to my place, he was tired and the snow had just about stopped. I briefly thought about asking him if he wanted to go out in it, but figured the traffic jam made us both tired.

I asked him to stay because I really didn’t want him going back out there. Although he is completely capable to drive in the crap, I would worry. I was glad when he said he’d stay. I did my best to honor my agreement about being a friend but at times old habits took over and I touched and hugged him. I tried to hide my eyes because I just didn’t want him to see how much I still love him and wish I could fix the mess. But I can’t.

It kills me to see him in such pain. I think I understand most of what he is going through. Trusting again, after what happened to him (me), is the most difficult thing I ever had to do. It is torturous to put yourself out there, expose yourself, knowing full well you can get hurt all over again. You’d rather wrap up yourself and stay protected then know someone has the potential to hurt you. Any character trait you see in the person you care about that resembles the person who hurt you makes you want to run. I still can’t/won’t date musicians. Flaky MFers! Because I care so much for him, it just makes me sad to see him go through this. It makes me want to throttle his ex and tell her what a stupid, selfish, cowardice bitch she was to do this to someone so amazing. I’ll never understand why people cheat. I guess seeing my mom go through that pain, unable to take care of Lil Sis and me, made it so I could never do that to someone.

It was awesome to be snowed in with him this morning. I just love being around him and we are such good friends and do teamwork so well. I felt like we were supposed to be snowed in and kept searching for the reason he was there when my snow came. I could only come up with me needing to share with him some of the expectations he should have in relationships. It was a bit difficult to remove my feelings for him from the discussion. But I think I did okay. I wanted him to know that what he was going through was, at least normal. I’m trying to trust that he is being honest with me and that my reading is right about what he is going through. I have to keep my own insecurities of him dumping me out of it. I do want, more than anything else, to help him. So, I told him what I could get out and figured if that wasn’t the reason, then the big G needed to hit me over the head with a 2x4 nah, 2x6 to knock it into me.

I managed to work today.  I so needed to focus and get stuff done.  I got my goals and objectives handed in a day ahead of request. Whatever. I really can’t wait til Boo is on her own and I can live a more simple life. :) Oh, which reminds me…I overdrew my checking account today. IDIOT! First time for everything. I guess I’ve been so consumed with everything else, I haven’t kept a good eye on my balance. I knew it was getting low and I needed to transfer cash because of all Boo’s college payments and her Dad being late with his stuff (as always!) and me not getting the money from the other account (my own stupid fault). But anyway, I thought my savings account had overdraft protection from the savings and thought that had been depleted so I freaked. Turned out the idiots said it wasn’t (ummm.. yeah it is!), the fee was removed, money transferred and all was well in checkland. I still can’t believe I overdrew the account. So not me! Oh well, I’ll give myself a break.