dreaming

We were lying in my bed talking. I just wanted to hold him but he seemed a bit distant. He told me he needed to set an alarm and I asked him for how long. He said a half hour. I knew we had more than 4 hours before his flight and I asked him why a half hour. He said because if he got stuck here he'd have to go to his parents' house and sleep in his old bed and he didn't want to sleep there. I asked him why he couldn't just stay with me and he said because he can't give me what I want. I began to pound on his chest. It made a hollow thuding noise. He began to cough. I kept asking him if he was okay and he just kept coughing. I began to cry and tell him how sorry I was. I never wanted to hurt him. I just don't understand him. I begged him to tell me he was okay and all he did was cough.

I woke up... tears streaming down my face and massive heat radiating from my body. Every muscle hurt. I knew the muscle pain was from shoveling snow yesterday and the headache was from dehydration. But the dream really shook me. I don't think I've done anything to PJ to hurt him but I guess there is something buried in my subconscious. All I know is I have been sad all day. I keep remembering how he promised to take the next 20 years to make up for the last twenty. I didn't imagine what we had because he felt it too. But he gave up and I have no idea why. Why would anyone give up on being with the person they have loved their whole life...unless he no longer loves me. It'd be easier (I think) if he'd just say it, instead of making me wonder. I have trouble believing in anything else.

My best friend tells me that she thinks I'd have been content with him but I can be just as content without him. I'm not sure i can get to that point again. I really hate not being able to have someone in my life like that. It's so hard to find someone my age that I am attracted to and can connect on an intellectual and emotional level. It doesn't seem right.

People who aren't single don't get it. They can never get it because they don't know the feeling. They can be annoyed with their significant other and feel alone, but when push comes to shove the SO is there for them when they are sick or going though something awful. Or just to shovel snow with them.

I know I don't want to settle, but i'm getting tired of being alone. I once wrote that if this is what God had planned for my life, then I just wish he'd take me from this world. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And, I don't want to be here any more.