The Unrelationship

How do I begin to explain that which even I do not understand? As PJ once told me, you cannot explain feelings because we're talking about feelings, which by definition aren't rational or explainable. And truly, that is what we are dealing with here. A strange mix of feelings between two people who have a wonderful history with each other, but accumulated some heavy baggage over the years.

When he told me he could never live with another person, I thought it meant that he didn’t want me. You see, my baggage is full of abandonment. I have been consistently abandoned by the very few people I have given my heart and trust to. Therefore, I figured it was his polite way of dropping me. I tried to understand what he meant by it. He insisted he didn’t want to lose my friendship, but the only conclusion I could come to is he wanted me out of his life. So, I left.

I tried to eradicate him from my life. I threw away everything that reminded me of him. I got rid of all the pictures I had of him. I deleted his phone numbers. But none of it could make him go away. Every night when I went to bed, all I could think of was him and how none of it made sense to me. Every morning I awoke with the realization that he was gone and with him, all the dreams I had dreamed of our life together. Yes, I had hung my dreams on him…but why?

So, in order to start to detach from the dreams, I had to understand where they had come from. Funny how these things work. While I had thrown away all the pictures, I hadn’t thrown away the file of all his saved text messages. And, as I went through them, I saw it was him, not me, who talked about the years we lost. It was him who couldn’t wait for us to be together…to have “our lives properly joined”. It was him who wanted to spend the next 20 years making up for the last 20. I had never instigated the conversations, only asking for clarification. It took me a few months to begin to buy in to it all. I had properly protected my heart. But, he had successfully managed to break through. I did not make up all that emotion in my head. I did not randomly hang my dreams upon him. And, it was this revelation that made me think.

Maybe he did really still love me and always has... as he indicated even when telling me he couldn’t bring himself to live with another person. So, that means he must have been telling the truth about not living with someone. Which makes no sense to me… why would anyone want to be alone? But just because it doesn’t make sense, doesn’t mean it can’t be true.

So I told him I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk away. I loved him too much and needed to see him, to be with him, even if it was just in a “long distance, never to be reconciled as a relationship” way. Because, even though I employed every trick I knew, I couldn’t stop loving him. And, this time, packing up my feelings and hiding them away wasn’t going to work either. He told me it was an odd way to conduct a relationship. I told him he was odd. He conceded. He told me he thought it would hurt me too much and he didn’t want to do that. I told him I was a big girl and could very well make up my own mind. And, if it ever got too hard for me, I would walk. He changed the subject by asking me if I’d be in town when he was over the Christmas holidays. I could only spend a brief period of time with my family, so yes, I would be.

And, on Christmas morning, when I texted him, “Merry Christmas. I love you.” He texted back “Merry Christmas. I love you, too.” And, for the first time in about a month, I believed it. I don’t understand him and I don’t understand why he has to be so difficult. But, I do believe he loves me. I love him and can’t seem to let go. So, as my BF’s dad tells her, I need to let it play out.

So over the holidays, much to everyone in his family’s bewilderment, we spent time together. I wanted to explain certain things to him mom and daughter E…like why I had sent Christmas presents for Z and his Dad but not everyone else. PJ wasn’t supposed to indicate they were from me. But he is too honest not to tell them otherwise. I felt horrible but thought it would be a breach of his confidence to explain. So I gave E a belated present the second night I stopped by. She seemed pleased but I wish I could have explained what had happened. I know the girls were totally in the dark due to comments Z made. So that made it even harder. His brother slipped by saying he didn’t expect to see me. I wanted to comment the same back but again decided it wasn’t my place. It was odd, but I figure it is his family and he should be allowed to tell him what he chose.

I know these past few days I was his refuge from his family. I know I am his refuge from other people. I don’t understand how he can’t see this and realize that his past failures are not an indicator of future issues. But, he is broken and I believe that only time and the hand of the Holy Spirit can heal his brokenness. But despite the brokenness, I love him. I love his intelligence, his kindness, his honesty, his respect for me and even his airheaded behavior. Like everyone, he has had his own baggage. And, I believe his fear of “ruining my life” comes out of that. I think he needs someone in his life that will stand by him during the brokenness and the odd behavior. And right now, I have the strength to do that.

I am not so naïve as to believe I can fix him or believe that he will change his mind. I do hope he will eventually learn to trust me and form the attachment necessary to allow him to make the move that I need. But, I know it is a long shot. I know that most likely, we will get to a point where I can’t do this any longer and I will have to walk away. But, at that time, I think I will have known that I gave it all I had. That I didn’t betray myself or the one I loved. So, until then, I remain in this “unrelationship” with a man who has loved me, as I him, since the day we met.