Basket Case

Do you have the time, to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once?

That describes me today. Ugh…so sick. My entire body hurts. Head and nose are stuffed, throat is raw, coughing and my ears hurt. My body aches, too. It started out yesterday as a sore throat but today I think it is full fledged viral crud!  I haven't moved from my bed.  Well, I went and got my computer and let the fuzzy fluffy pup out.

My gf thinks it’s stress. We talked last night and she told me I was under a lot of emotional turmoil lately and I’ve driven myself physically as well. That my body had just given me the final ultimatum – rest or pain! I started to argue with her but realized she was right. I drove myself hard on Sunday…hiking for 4 hours with BFF after being slightly hung over. Then, we drank heavily. Of course, I do believe that is exactly what the doctor orders to get over a heart break. But then I didn’t rest on Monday. I played VB and then went for a run. I even went for a run yesterday, after knowing I was sick. It keeps me from thinking about and missing YBBK. I do believe our break up is the right thing. I’m not who he wants. I’m not positive he’s ready for a relationship either. But as always, the “why” doesn’t matter. I constantly remind myself of it. But none of that helps with missing him and our banter. Missing talking to him and having someone I connect so well with. I do fill my time with activity and other people to fill that void. But, that activity did not include rest…so now my body is punishing me!

Also, heard from Lil Sis on Monday. She’s started problems again. She really hurt the Eldest’s feelings, once again. She also upset my cousin. First she sent an email to me and my siblings that was far more hurtful than need be. This hurt us…I think the Eldest the most but also me and the Middle Sis. I let it go for a night and called her the next day. She was so “la tee da” with me, that I’m not sure she meant to be hurtful. We chatted about her pregnancy and then I brought up the email. She said she didn’t mean to be so bitter. I let it go because that's what I do.  Mom wouldn't want us fighting.

Then I got an email from my cousin who was upset that Lil Sis gave away a dresser she wanted and never answered an invitation she had sent. It was very hurtful to my cousin. I encouraged her to call to talk with Lil Sis.  She did. But didn’t get any better resolution. She is very bitter. The Eldest called me yesterday and we talked for an hour or so in two separage sessions. I calmed her down a bit but she did finally pen a response email to the one sent on Monday. I’ve read it but have been sitting on replying. It is honest and direct but will do nothing to quench the fires that are burning. This tears me apart. I know my mother would be so sad to see this happening to my family. I’m sure of it. Lil Sis is lashing out at the wrong people. The Eldest was mom’s second favorite. If she lived closer, she’d have been her favorite because the Eldest called mom daily…sometimes 2-3 times a day. No one else did that. Mom would want her to feel involved and understand how she upset she is that she is being left out. I wish Lil Sis could see that her aggression is misplaced.  That the Eldest did the most for mom and deserves respect right now.  But sadly, I don’t think I can help with her coming to that realization.

Any way, GF tells me all these stressors have combined and I need to deal with them. But how do you deal with such sadness. I mean, do I call all my friends and say, “please listen to my life? I know you have your issues but listen to this...” It’s not really me or what I do. I bottle stuff up til I explode. I'm not saying that is healthy, I'm just saying I don't reach out well.  I wait til I explode.  I think my ears are exploding right now…haha.

Any way, thanks for listening. I return you to our regularly scheduled song.

I am one of those melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone. No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps.  Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up.  I think I'm cracking up.  Am I just paranoid?