Saddness makes a space

"Somebody told me sadness makes a space inside your soul where wisdom takes its place"

Words from one of my favorite Clarks songs.  They have rung true to me lately.  I've had alot of sadness but through the sadness, I've gained wisdom...well that and a long hike and two bottles of wine with BFE...BFE is always good at helping me to find wisdom!

So, today, I separated from my church.  It was a hard decision I didn't take lightly.  I had to inform our leadership board as well as my women's group.   Here is what I wrote.

Hi Ladies,

I have just sent this out to the LHT at Church name. Since you have been “my group” and most of you have known where my heart is, I’d like you all to have knowledge of this first hand. Please know, I hold each and every one of you dear and will hunt you down, if you chose to end our relationship. ;)

Love, love, love you all!
C

To the leadership team:
Sunday was a very difficult day for me. I came to the realization that I no longer fit at Churchname. Perhaps, I came to that realization awhile ago, but didn’t want to leave because I love so many people there. Each and every person that I’ve had interaction with, has touched me in one way or another. But, what I’ve come to realize is that I need something that Churchname hasn’t been able to give me for a long while.

I need community with individuals who are challenged by similar life experiences. People who understand what I am facing and can journey with me. I’ve tried several small groups but never quite fit. It isn’t that there aren’t many wonderful people that I love sharing time with. It is just that I have not felt spiritually healthy for a long time now and don’t see it changing unless I try something different.

I was very saddened by the way events transpired recently, but am encouraged by a path that I think will help to reconcile the church. So, while these events gave me a boot in the rear to realize where I am, they are not the sole reason that I need to leave.

I hope and pray that I can maintain friendships with those of you I have been friends with…each of you on the leadership team in a different way. You are all very special to me and have shown me Christ’s love in each of your unique ways. I will never forget that and always feel blessed by it. I hope you have felt the same in return.

Feel free to share this with your spouses, especially (their names), as each of them has touched me in a very special way, and I’d like them to know where my heart is, as well.

Please know I will continue to love you and pray for the health of Churchname.

Warmly Yours in Christ,
C


What has warmed my heart has been the responses from the ladies in my group as well as the leaders at the church.  I needed to hear these things because YBBK said some things on Saturday that really made me second guess my integrity.  I always try to act with honor, compassion and expect the same from others.  And, I think, my friends (who I have walked beside and served with) see these characteristics in me that I value so much.  And, the outpouring of love has helped to strengthen my wavering faith! 

First response:
C,

Thank you so much for being an encourager at a time when I know you need encouragement, too.

Your observations on what's missing for you at Churchname sound very much like some of our team's discussion of things that need to change.

Please continue to keep Churchname in your prayers as we try to start down a path to a more effective ministry.

Wife and I will keep you in our prayers, too.
Member of leadership team



Second response:
Hi girl,

Tears dripping, sniff sniff. Literally. I couldn't even be there this Sunday. I love you, and I really love your honesty and compassion. I REALLY do not want to loose your friendship and I do not intend to. We need to get together soon, some of our crazy like minded ladies.

I know this has been very hard for you, and I am so sorry!

Take care,
Leader of my women's bible study

Third response:
C,

I need my partnership last week, so I know how you are feeling...and like you if you choose to ensuing relationship I will hunt you down!! Don't forget who I work for!!!!! Lol...love ya girl! :-)

member of women's bible study

Fourth response:
You won't have far to look, I'll be sitting outside your door!

Really, I hope that you find what you need as you search. I also hope that you feel you can come back at any time for a dose of caring and understanding.  You are an amazing woman!

You and Boo will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love you
member of women's bible study

Fifth response:
Hello C,

As you might imagine, it breaks wife and my hearts to read this. You are an extraordinary woman - intelligent, kind, and compassionate.  It has been fun to see God work through you. Of course we would like to maintain a friendship, and we would always like to be available to you. Keep us posted on you and feel free to come back any time.

Warmly in Christ
Pastor


Sixth Response:

Hi C,

It was sad to receive your letter, but I want to thank you for your friendship in these past years. There are many things I would like to talk to you about Churchname and where I am personally at regarding the church and where I belong, but I'll need to hold off on that for a little while. I will make a note in my calendar app to write you in a year or so; I think we could have a good, healing and healthy conversation at that point about many things.

For now, I want you to know how much I care about you and how much I treasure the times you were in my small groups. I know you will find your way spiritually. You are smart and you understand the message of the gospel; God will lead you to where you need to be. Always remember that the church is NOT the Kingdom of God, and that our hope is in Christ, not in our fellow, fallible Christians.

If you ever need someone to talk with about spiritual matters, you've got my email address. We could correspond that way, or meet for coffee sometime.

Your sister in Christ,
Member of Leadership team