Beware the Ides of March

I’m absolutely exhausted. My diagnostic test is scheduled for this afternoon. I’m not sleeping well or eating well. I know I am strong and can handle what life throws at me, but for some reason I don’t feel strong enough to deal with this. I’m absolutely terrified. I shouldn’t be this scared, which makes me think the intuition is kicking in. I have dinner plans with my friend tonight. But, I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat unless I get the all clear today. I’m not sure that will happen because I’m thinking someone is going to have to “read” the results. If they wait to notify me via the mail again, I’m not going to be happy.

The medical field disgusts me. I don’t like doctors or insurance companies. The hoops I had to jump through yesterday just to get the appt. confirmed were ridiculous. Four phone calls - fuckers! Here I am worried sick and everyone has me trying to figure stuff out that should have been told to me in first damn place. Luckily, I had left work to get the paperwork and was at home… because by the time I got everything cleared up, I was shaking. I couldn’t function and had had to lie down for a nap.

I’m not sure why this is affecting me in such a way. I’m guessing it’s because Mom’s gone. She gave me strength that seems to have disappeared. Weird, she never gave me advice or much help at all. Actually, I’d call her the anti-help. But maybe that is what gave me strength….knowing she always looked to me to handle my life on my own.

My girls are here for me, though. Three friends, who I told about the appt., volunteered to go with me. How sweet is that? I was afraid I’d be doing this alone. I couldn’t take any of them up on it, though. Just the offer was enough. I forget how loyal my friends are, even if I’m not being a great friend back all the time. Maybe it’s because they are so strong for me that I actually feel I can be weak.

I haven’t mentioned YBBK because he is no longer in the picture. It was jacked and I knew it was jacked for a bit. I was hoping it was messed up because of his emotional state with not being ready to commit to a long term relationship. And, in part, I believe that to be true. But he made some statements last night that lead me to believe that he could never really care for me the way I want to be cared for. I don’t know why. But the why doesn’t matter. It is what it is. And it is not. I think the timing is good because I’d rather go through this medical crap by myself…with my friends. It will strengthen my view that I don’t need a man who doesn’t add to my life.

I can’t say I’m not sad that it had to end. But I always knew this was a possibility. And, the good thing is my heart has been beat up and torn apart before and it mended just fine. Knowing that makes this that much easier to take. I’ll be back to bouncing off the walls just as soon as I get a clean bill of health. I know it!