Muck and Mire

I’m sick to my stomach this morning. I wish I could have afforded to stay in bed today. But it wasn’t the case and I’ve forced myself to come to work. I would have just had a pity party for myself if I had stayed home any way.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of deceit lately. It hurts. It hurts to see those who, I thought to be, the biggest proponents of truth and integrity act with less than that. I want to believe in truth and honor. I want to believe that people want to act that way but sometimes fail. I want to believe that people want to make things right after they fail. But, I’m having trouble believing it. I try so hard to always act with the utmost honor and integrity. I know I fail but I do try to redeem myself. I hope others will forgive me and then we can move on. And when I come to the realization that not everyone feels the same way, I feel so stupid and Pollyanna. I feel duped and like I’m the only one on the planet that truly believes in maintaining honor and truth. I know it isn’t the case, but it sucks and I’m sad because of it.

The other reason for my sick stomach is the upcoming diagnosis test. I try not to think about it. I try not to worry…for worry is fruitless. But last night I dreamed about it. I dreamed I had to get cut and then get chemo. I woke up terrified. I’m so scared. I feel like I’m over reacting and jumping to conclusions, but this dark cloud hangs on my spirit and I can’t shake it.

Yesterday, I was stuck in horrible traffic. It was days like that where I’d call mom and chat. It would have been great because just the day before Boo called and babbled for a good 20 minutes. I would have had all sorts of stories for Mom. I could have talked to her about the deceit I’m facing and how scared I am about the test. She wouldn’t have advice…she never did. But what I realize is, I’d probably never take the advice and it is just the listening that mattered to me. I try to pretend to talk to her, but it doesn’t help. I try to pray, but I suck at that. So, instead, I’m just sad, so very sad.

The weather is supposed to be nice today. If so, I think I’ll play hookie in the afternoon and go for a hike. The trails will be a mess but the woods always soothe. My head clears and spirit rejuvenates. More and more, it’s where I like to be the best. I know I can’t go to my favorite spot because the mud will be ridiculous. But maybe not. Maybe I’ll try any way. What’s a little mud when your heart and spirit are mired?