As promised...the woes of singlehood

My e-mail to a well meaning married who thinks platitudes of cheer ups and snap out of its, can help when you get the I hate being single blues!

I don't need someone to talk to. There are plenty of people I have that I can. That is what I'm trying to tell you. They are people who really understand the problem. I'm not a bitter person that won't trust anyone. I just haven't found anyone that's available who lights up my world. it sucks. It sucks to go to bed alone at night and it sucks to not have sex. And most of all it sucks not to have someone to lie with and tell all your woes to and know they will listen, take to heart which needs to be heard and gently blow the rest away. It sucks not to have strong arms pick you up and twirl you around when you have good news to share. It sucks to wonder if you will EVER have these things again. To think for some reason you were only given 2 shots at it and you blew it.

See, despite what you are going through, you have never been here. You can say look at the positive side...you have your friends and freedom and blah, blah, blah. But again, you don't know what it is like to have such a strong desire placed on your heart only to wonder from whence it came and why it won't be filled. You can be pollyanna all you want, but when your life is so vastly different from mine, you can never understand what it is like. Yeah, you can say you haven't had this, or haven't had that. But when push comes to shove and you have to fill out an emergency contact card and no person to put in the spot: contact in event of emergency or you have a blazing headache and just want to go home and cuddle with someone on the couch but there is no one there. Or when your dog dies and you have no one to hold you and tell you that they loved him as much as you and know your pain and will cry with you. Or when your plane is delayed and you watch as everyone takes out their cell phone to call their someone to tell them they'll be late and you have no one to call...despite praying for it every night... then maybe you'll begin to understand how absolutely lonely life can be.

Did you read the article about a guy who put his cell number in the newspaper telling all the lonely people to call him? He was plagued with thousands of calls. You don't know that loneliness. You have never known that loneliness. Not just a week or weekend without someone. A lifetime without someone because you have no faith that the situation will ever change. Every single guy you meet close to your age is absolutely, positively a NO - pretty much from first contact. And every single guy that are a possibility are too young and either an idiot, a commitment phobe, emotionally unavailable or fucked in the head one way or another. Or the one guy who seems so right doesn't want you because he wants someone to start a family with. And when you've tried every avenue given you to make yourself available and nada. And, when you look at your friends who are all in the same boat...some younger, some close in age. All faithful, all desiring a relationship, all waiting faithfully, only to be let down over and over again.

You faith falters, you world will never make sense to anyone unless they are there. All the platitudes in the world can't keep avert your loneliness and keep you company at night. You might think you understand, but you don't and you can't until you've been here. It's why I don't talk about it. It's why T doesn't talk about it. He sat next to me and asked what's up. I told him I'm tired of being alone and not having sex. he said I know, me too, with the sadness in the eyes of someone who is there. Then he got up and did a dance for me. Because he knows there is no point in talking about it or wallowing in it. Because it is what it is and occasionally we get sick of it. All single people do -there are blogs upon blogs upon blogs by discontented singles. The rest of the time, we just make the best of it. That is my life.

I'm not asking for a pity party or sympathy from anyone. Another reason I don't talk about it. Single people understand and don't want that pity party. And, marrieds don't understand and they think we are wallowing in self-pity. It's what I have to live with and why I get quiet. I don't feel like talking, don't feel like going home and don't feel like joining in the banter. My deepest desire is to just watch my friends be happy. Eventually through them, some other distraction (kids or the music), the mood fades.

I'm not the only one with pain - I know that!
And there are thousands of people out there worse off than I. I know that!

But none of it makes me feel better. I just hope one of these days it will all change. I just don't have a lot of faith that it will. And, with each passing day, the faith gets weaker. That really makes me sad because it was the Christians that saved me when the unwanted journey began.