Memorable Christmas Moments

From Lil sis:
Top 5 Christmas moments:

5.  Rupplemints!!! Or was that not so memorable.
4.  Acting out the Christmas song on the record players and jumping off the couch for down the chimney he came.
3.  Banditt eating the Christmas ornaments off the bottom half of the tree so we had to leave it bare.
2.  TJ making sleigh marks outside so Boo thought Santa came.

And all time favorite....
1.  Praying for snow on Christmas eve service, leaving church and it was snowing...and it snowed all night!

Domestic Goddess

I am a domestic goddess...that's right!  I am Done Done Done with my Christmas shopping, wrapping and baking.  OOooo baby oooo!   I made 2 pies today.  One for the neighbors and one for Firsty.  They turned out perfect!!!   I finished the Christmas wrapping and shopping yesterday...that's right, took the day off work.  I let Boo buy her own present with my credit card - the only indication that I am not the goddess I claim to be.  But what the H E double hockey sticks....she is old enough to pick up her own presents every once in awhile.  The Killer Poodle loved her new blanket...yes, i'm not so good at keeping the presents from my "kids" after I buy them.  Plus, I'll be far, far away, basking in the sun on Christmas day.  Need to celebrate every day!!!  

The house is clean (with minimal decorations) and I'm not stressed.   Headed out to celebrate with a couple of old friends...with veggie tray, wine and presents in hand. 

Yes, I am a domestic goddes.

In Your Arms

Heralding Adventures
Hatching of Plans
Eliminating Sorrows
Comparing Bands

Strengthening of Senses
Meeting of Minds
Absolute Safety
Hearts of Kind

Hours become minutes
Days Disappear
Only the Present
Each Moment Dear

Can this be love?

Oooo....with a title like that I bet you're chomping at the bit.  tee heee...I so crack myself up.  But yeah, I've been a bit quiet and won't say much here because I'm running late.  But yes, I am pretty sure I'm in love.  I don't want to jinx it.

You wanna know who, don't you.  Should I keep you guessing?  We've spent alot of time together recently.  And, when I started making excuses not wanting to see anyone else, I realized how much I care about him.  He is completely honorable and respectable.  There is no pretense with him.   I so love that about him.  He is kind and not judgemental.  He is independent and oh yeah, very smart.  And, he said he thinks it is sexy that I am smarter than him.  I am - but not by much.  Just a bit better recall and a bit better at logic than him.  He is a degreed EE, a couple years older than me and few inches taller.  He thinks about my feelings and what would make me (un)comforatable before he acts...that is such a rarity.  We've been out several times since Thanksgiving.  I even spent the night at his house - on the couch, as he didn't want me to feel pressured about sex.   He says he wantst to take it slow and his actions support his words.  His actions have continually supported his words.

I'm headed to see him (again) tonight.  He does have a very odd work schedule but I like it because it allows me time when I don't have to choose between him and my friends.  He isn't super social but understands my need to be. So he goes off into his geeky pursuits when I'm socializing.  He really understand what it takes to make a relationship work.

I'm scared, of course.  Because, I really like him.  I don't remember the last time I felt this way.  Probably with PJ but before that, probably with the Ex.  I never believed I'd feel this way again.  I am so comfortable around him.  I feel completely safe with him.  Oh, I've already told him about my insecurities and he has already shown he understands them. 

Today, I had a panic attack about the entire thing.  I wanted to write, text or call him.  But, I knew I'd see him tonight and I made myself calm down.  I'll tell him later about it.  I hope he'll understand. 

So, excuse me if I don't write for awhile... at least not about this.  I need to see if it is real.  It just seem too amazingly good to be true.

Birthday

Happy Birthday Mom.  I miss you.  I hate all the immature stuff my siblings have been doing since you left.  I'm not sure why they keep acting the way they do.  I don't know how to fix it.  Lil Sis and Brother have formed an alliance against Oldest Sis and Po.  I'm caught in the middle and expect any day now to be "voted off the island".  I don't like it.  I can't stand it.  We need you to help stop it. 

You weren't here to help me with Thanksgiving.  Who am I fooling - if you were here, I wouldn't have been cooking at my house alone.  I ended up calling my Father.  He is a pretty good cook and helped me figure out where to find a battery for my mower.  So, I guess that is the silver lining of not having you to turn to.  But I still miss you.

Boo doesn't talk about you.  I didn't have the heart to remind her that today is your birthday.  I reminded her about her Dad.  I sent him a Happy Birthday email and he replied with a thank you and smiley.  I only remember his because it is the same as your's.  I already forgot the lying, cheating ex's birthdate!  Boo is going to hang out with her Dad before his birthday dinner because the Evil Stepmom made reservations at a retarant that Boo hates.  I swear that woman tries to make things difficult for Boo.  Kinda reminds me of Dad's evil gf.

I wish you were here so I could call and sing happy birthday to you and ask how it feels to be 70.  I wish I could have eaten some of your dressing for Thanksgving.  I wish I was picking out your Christmas gifts this year.  I wish I didn't feel like I'm the only one who remembers your birthday today. 

I miss you.  I love you.

Wiped Out!

I am officially wiped out and totally not ready to go back to work tomorrow.  I got most of the "stuff" off the list completed.  But, the really important stuff...to me, to nourish my soul, still is left undone.  I wanted to write..write all about my journey and the discoveries I have made along the day.  I wanted to download and print the pictures.  I wanted to spend hours on my motorcycle (did take a quick spin to make sure she was running okay).  I wanted to clear everything inside me before I let the guys back in, but I let responsibilities(laundry, cooking T-day, cleaning, yardwork) get in the way.

I did, however, spend time with those I love and missed during my trip.  I went to trivia on Monday and had a most wonderful time.  I love my team and will always be sure to make time for it.  X actually called and asked me to have dinner with him prior to trivia, so I blew off Mainer, who wanted to ride out and back together and went to dinner with X.  We had a fun time.  I still don't and probably never will trust him though.  He will always only be a friend.  Of course, during the game, the whole team had a blast.  We all get along so well.  X actually got funny about Firsty during the game.  Making remarks about how "close" we were acting.  He even texted me later, telling me he was going to ask me to hang out after the game but I seemed awful comfy with Firsty.  Whatever.  Sounds jealous to me.  LOL.

Tuesday I went to dinner with Apricot.  She and I get along great.  She's gone through some rough times...not that she didn't bring it on herself.  When you let someone deceive you, they will.  But she is a beautiful, smart and wonderful person to be around.  So I love spending time with her.  She made a comment about how YBBK would tell me what I wanted to hear.  It really wasn't directed at him but her ex and the type of guy they both are (my observation, not hers).  The type of guy who doesn't want you, will use you, yet won't let you go.  He will continue to say what you want to hear, just so he can keep you around.  I'm not sure what the motivation is...whether it is ego or just a need to have someone like us (she or I) around.   Any way, it was yet another eye opener for me.  Over the course of the weekend, I've realized a few things about YBBK.  I'm pretty sure he has never loved me.  It was all about conquest and control for him.  He acted a certain way that won me over.  But it was never about me.  It was about getting his ex back...showing her he could get a girlfriend and making her jealous.  The minute it worked, he pushed me away.  Then when he realized she was using him, he pulled me back.  He knows what to say to endear me to him.  He used me.  I know this for sure because he is considering getting back with the girl who he knows has lied and deceived him.  He claimed this was the issue between us...that I lied.  But that is BS...because she didn't just lie once.  She has lied to him and everyone around her over and over and over again. She quotes the bible to manipulate people. She is a deceiver's deceiver. He sees it but still wants to be with her.  It is proof to me that he never cared for me and used that one incident as a BS line to break it off with me.  He is a maniuplator of the worst kind and deserves the Blonde with all her lies.  He hears what he wants to hear from her.  Of course, Apricot didn't tell me any of this...it's been mulling around in my brain since Tuesday.  I've re-read all his texts and have come to realize what a master manipulator he can be.  If he truly cares for me, then he just must be an emotional trainwreck and I've unjustly judged him.  But, I find that hard to believe. It has always been about him.

Any way, on Wednesday, I spent the day and evening with Firsty.  He came over to make T-day dessert (cheesecake due to Boo's request) and hang out with me.  It was actually perfect...he had asked if I wanted to hang out and it was the only day we both had free.  When I told him I had to get the cheesecake made, instead of asking to do something after, he said, "you want me to come help?"  He couldn't have had a more perfect response.  We had a great time.  He said he was going home at 9:30 p.m. but at 11:15 we were still talking.  It is nice to have someone I can talk to like that.  I trust him implicitly.  He is the type of guy who will never lie to me. I can tell.  Of course, in part, because he is such a nerd and a bit socially awkward.  But mostly because he is the type that would never consider deception as an acceptable behavior.  He is a good person.  I think he likes me...actually Preacher told me she thought so too.  I'm going to see him next week, too.

Thursday was wonderful.  Just Boo, the puppers, the turkey and me!   I let her invite Loser Boy over for dessert.  I told her it was because it was Thanksgiving and I'm a Christian.  He is maturing...but still not there.  I will keep trying to forgive him and accept him, but still pray she'll get tired of him and find a boy who she can rely on.  After dessert, BoyCrazy came over.  Actually, she has been hot and bothered about the same guy for awhile now.  We hung out, drank wine and chatted all night.  She slept over and we went to the movies on Friday.  I wouldn't have picked the movie but it was what she wanted to see.  Funny, the Beautiful Blonde talks about BoyCrazy as being dominating and everything having to be her way.  It is true about that.  I can only tolerate her in small doses, but I did miss seeing her and wanted to spend some time with her. 

Friday night, I made the haul out to Redneck town.  I hung out with the Preacher and the Teacher.  We had a wonderful time chatting, drinking, eating and just plain catching up.  Preacher went to see the last ancient wonder of the world while I was in China.  It was very cool to talk about our trips.  She intelligent and an amazingly loving person.  I like being around her.

Saturday I was exhausted.  I did nothing.  I should have went to see some more friends, but jet lag and chores (Friday afternoon I spent the entire time cleaning up leaves) must have left me a bit under the weather.  I couldn't convince myself to go out.  So, I slept, chilled and watched a few movies. 

Today, I had JIT come over for breakfast.  He is such a sweet guy.   He is so sensitve and most people don't quite understand him.  He's a bit naive, too.  But I've always understood and cared about him.  We hung out for  few hours.  Then, Arpricot came over to be sure her dog will get along with puppers.  When she travels later this month, I told her she can leave him here.  I think it will work out great. 

I managed to get the battery changed in the lawn mower.  I am such a pussy.  I've put it off and put it off...aftraid I wouldn't be able to do it...afraid it would be too hard to take the screw out or I wouldn't know where to buy the battery.  When I talked to Dad on T-day, he mentioned a car parts store.  There is one less than a mile away.  So, after raking up pine needles, I decided to undertake the task and in less than 45 minutes, i had finished.  Silly girl!  It was easy as pie (with the pillsbury pie crusts...not making one from scratch because that shit aint easy!).   Any way, one more task that I don't need a man for!  Yip Yoo!

I wish I had another day to spend on myself.  Getting my head on straight and really understanding what I want before I start dealing with men.  I've had texts from Irressistible Man since I left.  He is back and town and wants to see me.  And, there is Firsty.  Oh, I haven't even mentioned CC, who took me to the airport, picked me up and did tea with on Wednesday...hmmmm...guess that tells me where he places in the BF applicant line.  Oh yeah, have I mentioned the guy who used to work for me, who quit when I left for China (got a great offer elsewhere - totally don't blame him) but has kept in touch because he wants to meet me for drinks.  Then there is GEH...he is always around.  He has been texting all week worried about me and T-day without Mom.  He misses his Mom and knows I'd feel the same way.  He shocked me by offering hockey tickets for a boy I am buying Christmas gifts for.  I had just asked him what to buy becuase his son is the same age.  He is so sweet.   I know he cares about me but the distance and such makes anything more impossible.  I don't think he'll ever let go, unless I tell him too.  Which, I'm sure I will have to do if I ever decide to date someone seriously.  Any way, I'm not sure what I want and not sure I'm ready to deal with it.  But, I did take November off and its time to consider the possibilities.

In other news.  A good friend of mine, actually a couple broke up this weekend.  I am friends with both the guy and girl.  I was closer with the guy...always the way with me.  But their break up is so very sad to me.  I thought they were perfect for each other.  This is so surprising.  He seems angry and she seems hurt.  I hate seeing that since it has been close to a year for them.  I thought they were going to make it.  Perhaps they still will.  All I can do is love them through it.

Finally and most significantly...the thing that will torment me this week.  Wednesday is Mom's birthday.  She would have turned 70 this year.   I miss her.  Although, I finally went into one of "her boxes" to find her recipe box to get the cheesecake recipe (for Boo...I'd walk over coals for Boo).  I happened to be talking to Po and asked her about a recipe.  She reminded me that Mom had one and she would look it up when she got home.  She had Mom's old recipe box and said Lil Sis had her "new one" (that Po had rewritten).  I said, "No, I have it.  I took it."  So, I dug through the box and pulled out Mom's recipe box.  I made the cheesecake (that turned out amazing btw!) and put the recipe box with mine.  I will never comingle them...well, maybe someday...for Boo.   Any way, I'm not sure the best way to deal with Wednesday.  I don't want to be alone.  My heart aches.

One more day

The wall was everything I thought it would be.  As I walked up to it (about a half hour walk up a billion stairs) all I could think about was dragging the material to build it up the moutain. As I walked along it, I wondered about the building techniques they employed in the Middle Ages to make it stand the test of time.  As I looked and saw it stretch in both directions, up and down the mountain ridge, as far as the eye could see, I wondered how many laborers it took.  What an amazing engineering feat!  I took like 300 photos...I couldn't help myself.  We were late getting to lunch and subsquently, barely made it to our flights on time.  I think I would have missed my flight, had it not been delayed due to "mechanical issues."  Not the most reassuring to know my plane in China has mechanical issues!  I've seen Chinese "rework" first hand!  LOL!!

Every day is a new discovery here.  I love that...if not discovering some historical information, perhaps cultural norms or behavior, seeing something beautiful and "famous" or just learning something new about myself...like what I value in my friends and lovers.  Not that I have a Chinese lover...although, the Taiwanese men seem drawn to me like moths to a flame.  In China, the men were very friendly and kind toward me.  But in Taiwan, they flirt outrageously and stare at me when they think I won't notice.  I've learned to understand the word for pretty.  One asked today if my daughter was as beautiful as I am.  I told him she was far more beautiful.  He told me it was not possible.  I'm not sure why they find me so pretty - the women here are stunning.  But, perhaps it is my "red" (is it really red?) hair.  Or maybe my cheerful disposition.  When I was buying a camera yesterday (lost mine - not sure how!), the man who owned the store told HC that I seemed to be smiling even though my camera was gone and I had to buy a new one.  She told him that I understood these things happen and there is no use being upset over it.  He said he thought I was smiling because I knew I looked pretty when I smiled.  At first she wouldn't tell me what he said, but I had told her he said something about pretty. So she confessed...thinking I'd feel slighted.  I laughed and told her that it is hard to feel slighted in a foreign culture - part of the reason I loved it here.  She understood because she went to school in the US as a foreigner.

I have come to realize that what I want in a lover is someone who takes care of me.  I've found the Chinese and Taiwanese men all to be caregivers toward me.  Not that they are all that way with their mates - perhaps because I am a guest and they feel that way toward their guests.  But as Double L took me all over China - insisted on carrying my bags (or telling his subordinates to do so), made sure I had enough to eat, got to my room okay, had every need taken care of, I realized that I adored that trait in others.  Both Double L and Kz are honest men and they made sure I was protected and cared for.  I will always feel a strong bond of friendship for them.  It is that type of person that I will one day fall in love with.  Someone who is honorable and caring.  I now know exactly what I want in a man and why I am attracted to certain types of men.  I would have never thought that would be something I'd discover on such a trip.

Tomorrow is my last day.  I haven't written as much as I wanted and am hoping my notes will help me to record everything.  I know they are inadequate, though.  Also, I know that next week won't give me as much time as I think I'll have because I've already made "dates" half the week away!   My friends are looking forward to my return...I am sooo sooo sooo blessed!

Tomorrow will be a day of pampering thanks to HC.   She figured I had already visited many of the cultural aspects of Taichung area - Lugong, Sun moon lake, night market, and the art show (that she took me to yesterday).  So she said we'd do a girl's day - spa and sushi!  It will be too much fun.  But after that, I'll be ready to go home.  I'm not as physically tired as I was the last trip but, I'm worn out emotionally and intellectually and need my week off to recover. 

Xie Xie Zhōng guó

One more dream...

Today I go see the wall...actually we leave in about 15 minutes.  I should be checking out of the hotel...

This trip has been amazing...well, other than the work and very long days.  There is so much to see and such clarity in my brain when I'm removed from all the distractions of my world.  I would love to do this the rest of my life...visit places, see, hear and feel and then record it.  I'm too busy to record it in writing as it deserves.  I'm taking notes in hope of writing when I get back.  I do hope I can fulfill that.   It would just be for me...for a hobby...although, my lifelong passion.

Onto the wall...I know I'm gonna cry when I see it!

Sunny Sunday

I should be doing something...but I'm not.  Only 5 days til I leave for 18 days and I'm lounging around like a teenager.  Some days are just meant for lounging.

On Thursday, Amiga came over for a visit.  It was a lovely one.  We both needed a little healing. I know God is good all the time, but sometimes it feels like He is being extra good to me.  This was one of those times.  She and I have both been so stressed out over life.  We just needed to sit around, commisserate and then just make each other feel better.  It worked wonders.  I forgot how strong we can make each other.

On Friday, I was ill most of the day.  Damn weather changing messed with my sinuses.  I drug my sorry butt to work and planned on not staying.  But knew with the upcoming trip, I had to work.  I got many files together and organized.  I feel like I'm ahead of the schedule...since I normally procrastinate until the last minute!   Then after work, I drug my sick butt shopping.  I hate shopping anyway...so might as well do it when I feel miserable to start with!  It worked.  I got some very cute clothes.  Sometimes I get so excited when I do good...I got 4 pairs of pants and three tops for $150.  I rock.   Friday night, I stayed in and nursed the sickness.  Normally, I'd do the opposite.  Skip working or being responsible to nurse myself and then go out playing.  I was proud of myself for being good.

Saturday was a lousy day.  Snow...yep snow in October!  And then rain, then sleet, then snow.  So my hike and soccer game were canceled.  I spent the time cleaning, cooking (for party) and packing.  Yep, got all my work outfits  planned out and packed for the trip.  I have to try on everything...make sure it matches and is in good shape.  It is time consuming.  But done!  The rest of the packing will probably only take another hour.  I am so staying on top of this!  LOL...wait til Thursday night when I'm freaking out because I forgot x,y, and z! 

The best part of the weekend was Saturday night.  I was a bit anxious about the party.  Oh the party... so I was supposed to go to Sailing Town with my friends that I love with all my heart.  But X was all over me about heading out to a very cool party in Redneckville.  I've heard from Mainer it is the best party of the year and several of my other friends would be there.  So, I called the hostess of Sailing Town party and let her know I was going to bail.  And, the costume that she had thought of for me,  the Beautiful Blonde and her was now not going to happen.  So this past week, I did the research and decided I could pull off being the "Reluctant Candidate"...no other than beauty queen turned politician.   So before the party, I was a bit nervous.   I was nervous about not knowing people at the party.  I was afraid X would go off skirt chasing and I'd feel all alone, etc.  I was afraid people wouldn't get the costume or I'd insult them with my beauty queen sash that read "almost Miss Alaska" then underneath "Governor of Alaska" then underneath "almost VP of US" and then "Reluctant candidate for President".  I was afraid I'd insult people with the costume.  I was worried about the weather.  I was so anxious, I almost did the "safe" thing and went to Sailing Town.  But Mainer callled and nagged me about going to Redneckville.  And, I am sooo glad I did.  I had a blast.  I knew far more people than I thought.  Everyone LOVED my costume (with the right glasses, I'm a dead ringer for the bimbo!)  And, I met new people with ease.  X and I danced half the night.

I'm not sure I understand the deal with X.  He kinda ignored me when he got there - but it could be because I was talking to a girl (Eeoyre) who he had dated.  She is on our team.  It is a weird dynamic between them.  But, he also showed up with another girl.  They have been friends for awhile but not sure what else is there.  At one point, after X and I had danced, she made comments to him that his make up was on my face.  Then, seemed indignant as she told me "I did his make up, you know?!"  I felt taken aback and told her it was just from dancing.  He presses his face against every woman he dances with.  He made a joke...we'll you should see her thighs.  I think I blushed three shades of red.   Any way, I walked away to let him handle her and ended up talking with a guy (Firsty)  from the Team.  He and I get along great.  He went to college in NY, is about the same age, is a bit geeky but funny.  Firsty doesn't like crowds so we were off in the corner chatting and giggling.   Later, X asked me if I was going home with Firsty.  I was completely taken aback.  I couldn't believe he'd ask me such a thing.  For one thing...I don't just randomly go home with guys!  And, I didn't think X was interested in me.  At that point in the night, he was getting a bit intoxicated...so I figure it was the alcohol speaking.  Because later when most of the Team was standing around chatting, X was off with his hands all over some cute girl (not the one he showed up with).  Then, at the very end, he was getting cozy with Eeorye.  As I left, he asked me to find the girl he came with....but she had already left.  I asked if he needed a ride home and he said no he had driven that is why I needed to find the girl he came with.  He definitely needed some sobering up and I tried to get he and Eeorye to go somewhere for food (it was 2:30 am) but they were reluctant...so I left.  By 3 a.m. my phone rang and X wanted to know where I went.  What?  I was almost home...he wanted me to "crash" at his place becuase it was a long drive.  He said he meant to tell me that all night.  What?  Silly drunk boy. 

Today, he called and apologized.  We chatted for a bit.  I think he is a bit messed up.  He had a girl he was smitten with...we call it the one month relationship.  Kinda like what happened with YBBK and I.  Only she wasn't a core part of their group and only messed with his head for a month.  Since then, he's been running around with whomever will have him.  I'm assuming the girl he showed up with is one of them.  I'm guessing this any way.  Not really sure what he wants from me, but I don't trust him. 

Interestingly enough, a few applicants for BF popped up this week - or so I think.  All three are long stories.  One is an old friend from CCC days, who popped back into my life at a random HH with the local group.  We've been chatting because I knew he needed a friend (recently divorced).  He asked me if I'd go out with him when I get back from China.   Then, there is a guy I met a few months back.  Amazingly sexy beyond belief and fun to talk to.  Nothing much ever came of our hanging out but then last week, he asked if we could get together when I get back.  Finally there is Blue Eyes.  I've never been sure if he liked me...but it seems like perhaps he does.  He is a very shy guy and as sweet as they come.  I'm definitely not interested in him so I have to be careful if he actually really likes me.  I never want to hurt him.  

It is funny how my upcoming trip brought all these guys to action.  What is up with that?  Or maybe they saw that I am finally ready to move on?  Could be.  Any which way, I'm very glad I'm going 1/2 way around the world for a few weeks.  The thoughts of men, relationships and sex will all be put on hold for awhile.

Moving right along

Friday night, I decided to go see a band I had heard rave reviews about. X asked me if I wanted to meet him for dinner and drinks ahead of time. So, I did. We went for sushi (which I haven’t had in forever). He let me pick everything out; although, I insisted he chose some pieces, too. I had a good time, as always. He is easy to talk to and we have a lot in common. It is interesting to get to know him. Then, we walked over to the bar where the band was playing. When I went in, it was apparent that I needed to leave my coat in the car. I was shocked when X said he’d walk me back to the car. I totally didn’t expect it. He then teased me about how cold he was “being a gentleman”. I kicked him a couple of times on the walk back to show him how adept I am at taking care of myself when walking to my car. We danced the entire time the band played. It was awesome. It is cute how much X loves music – to sing and dance. He loves women, too. He seemed to let his eyes wander up and down every woman on the dance floor. He flirts a lot, too. It didn’t bother me because I don’t see him as a potential boyfriend. I guess if I did think of him a potential BF before seeing his behavior with other women, I didn’t after that. He didn’t “hit” on anyone and it is nice that he wasn’t trying to be all sneaky about it. But still, I want a guy who sees me and only me. Unless I am hanging with someone that is a long time friend, I almost never “check out” other guys when out with friends. And, I definitely don’t do it when I’m with a boyfriend. I am not secure enough to handle someone doing that to me. But, any which way I look at it, it was a nice evening. The band was absolutely awesome. I will definitely go see them again. And, I’ll hang out with X again.

Saturday night I watched as Little Boy got married. I can’t really call him Little Boy…he was 17 when he started working for me, so he definitely seems like one still to me. I absolutely adore him and want the best for him. As the guys say, “he’s my favorite.” And, probably always will. I met his Mom and I understand why he is the way he is. She did a great job with him. During the wedding and reception, I cried… of course. It was a nice way to “ease” into going to weddings, too. I’ve been to a couple of family ones since my divorce but wasn’t sure I could handle one without my family there. I actually RSVP’d no to many others just because I didn’t want to think about weddings. But this one was different because Little Boy is one of my own and how could I skip it. It was a good night. I took Blue Eyes as my date. He is a good friend and is always respectful of me. I don’t think he considers me as more than a friend and I didn’t lead him on by taking him. I’m pretty sure any way. He’s a good man. But, a little too old, Jewish and a lack of chemistry all say don’t go near it. I don’t want to ruin the friendship or have anyone get hurt.

Sunday was work day. I gotta get ready for my Asia trip - too much stuff to do in a little amount of time. I just stopped writing to call Rudy for an appointment. No way I can be gone for 3 weeks with my hair looking like this!!! LOL. I still need to figure out a costume for Halloween. EEee gads. But, at least I got all the household chores done. Wish I could count on the girls to take care of stuff while I’m away. UGH! It’d be nice to have a man around in times like this. Oh and when I want to get laid…yeah, be nice to have one around then, too!

Silver Lining

So I decided to go to the soccer game with YBBK. It was a lousy day at work and I wasn’t really up for the drive. But, I went any way. Mostly because I told him I’d go. It is important to me to follow through and do things I commit to. I feel this is an indication of character. After the visit, I called my friend Xavier (X) to tell him about the visit. I needed a good friend, who I could trust, to talk to about it.
Any way, it was crappy rain, crappy traffic and crappy parking…as I expected. I hate the capital city! When I got there, I told YBBK that I almost didn’t go. His reply was, “I’m glad you came because other wise I’d have been here alone.” What? I said to X, “I can’t believe he said that. I guess I know where I stand…just better than being alone!” X said, “Well he probably didn’t realize he said it but it is probably true.” I couldn’t agree more.

Then, YBBK spent a good portion of dinner talking about GF. He told me he logically knew it was a bad relationship but he couldn’t help but want to be with her. They had such a good time together. It just stunned me. Really, while you were out with her, having her deceive you or listening to her lie to people and basically turning you into a liar and a co-cheater, you were having a good time. Really, she tarnishes your character and you see that as a good time? You want that in life? No, I didn’t say those things to him but couldn’t believe he didn't see that. It turned my stomach. I told X these things and he replied, “Well, obviously he doesn’t have a problem with liars and cheats.” I laughed because YBBK talked about my deception to him as why he broke it off with me. Of course, I now know that wasn’t the real reason. He just didn’t really care all that much for me. I was just better than being alone.

I listened to YBBK because I knew he needed someone to listen. But, it wasn’t easy for me. I told X that and he said, “We’ve all been there. Used or been used by someone for comfort without really caring how much the other person is being hurt.” My “uh huh,” was followed by X saying, “It doesn’t make it right or any easier to take.”   But he is right; it is the truth.

The soccer game was fun. It was exciting. The rain wasn’t terrible and it was warm out. After wards, I took YBBK to his car. Actually, I had him drive my car there. I thought he knew how absolutely terrified I was to drive in the Capital City. I’m sure I’ve told him numerous times. But, he seemed to have forgotten that. As I dropped him off, he gave me vague directions on how to leave the city. I was terrified. I'm convinced he didn't care enough to see the fear. He was nice enough to ensure I turned on my GPS but then just sent me on my way. I got a little turned around as I left, I knew I would, and was pretty much hysterical by the time I got on the highway. Okay, so even if YBBK had confidence in me to leave the city, he had to know I was unsure.  Yet, did  I ever hear back from him…a call/ a text to check on me…anything? No!! X said he thought it was a bit inconsiderate, too. He told me a story about a similar thing that happened to him.  It always makes me feel better to know I'm not the only person on the planet who is so sensitve.

When I finally found the highway, I called X. He talked me down. We talked for 2-1/2 hours. The first ½ hour was me whining about the night and how I felt used and hurt. X just listened and validated my feelings. I told him my expectation that YBBK will probably go back to dating GF, keep it hidden from me and then eventually get burnt by her - Scorpions don't change their nature.  I told X that I was sad. Sad for YBBK and sad for me for letting myself get wrapped up with someone who doesn’t seem to care about me. It is a hard lesson to learn.

X and I spent the rest of the time chatting about everything else under the sun -work, friends, families, our past, etc. I don’t think X is my next great love. I’m not his type. He likes tall, skinny, very good looking women…none of which would describe me! But, I do love that I have a friend I can call and can depend on. I was there for him a few weeks ago and just the night before last - where we talked for two hours about his work issues. Well that night we talked about ½ hour about work and 1-1/2 hours about other stuff.

But, when he answered the call and said he was watching baseball, I expected him to take the opt out I gave him when I said, “Oh, well I don’t want to interrupt you watching the game.”  He must have recognized the tone in my voice (and maybe realized this was the first time I ever called him) and said, “I’m glad you called. What’s up?” 

So, while I had a very crappy time discovering disappointing things about YBBK’s character…X is my silver lining. Nice to know I have a friend I can rely on.

Weekend update plus some

So now I have to re-write what I wrote about the weekend...but I am feeling lazy about it. Mostly because of things that have happened since.
See, over the weekend I found out YBBK was harboring ill feelings over something that happened in March. I can’t remember what I wrote about it and am feeling to lazy to go back and look. So my fuzzy memory is all I can go off…

Back then, I had just found out he had deceived me and was using me…in my opinion. I woke up one morning and we had sex. I went back to sleep and he went downstairs. Later, he brought me coffee in bed and ran a bath for me. So imagine my horror when I found out he went downstairs and got online to look at his dating website…that he had reactivated his profile on. So of course, I would say, he fucked me, got out of bed, checked out if he had better options and then brought me coffee and spent the day with me. Total using of me. I ended it when I found out what happened. I couldn’t stand the thought that someone could be so deceptive and shitty toward me.

He asked me to still go away with him the next weekend…since we had plans. I couldn’t stand the pain of knowing how deceptive he had been and felt like I could never trust him again. But, tried to be understanding of him not wanting to be alone. I actually called him when he was on his way to apologize and tell him how bad I felt that he’d be there alone. I asked if he had someone with him and who he was meeting there. Never once did he mention a woman he was bringing. When I found out about it…I called and/or texted (not sure which I did first). He chose to ignore me or give a flippant response and that is where I broke. I broke because I felt like he had treated me and was continuing to treat me like whore. Perhaps I deserved it for having slept with him so soon into our relationship. But, again, I don’t think anyone deserves such a thing. But, in the long run, I let my anger govern my actions. I went off on him. It was pent up hurt from everything I had felt he had done to me. I’m sure I called him names including a liar. Not sure I would have been as angry if it hadn’t been for him breaking up with me the first time because I had “glossed over the truth” to him. A lie is a lie and I agreed with him. Yet, here he was doing it back to me 2x over and not thinking it wrong. Injustice infuriates me.

Yes…all this is a rationalization for my behavior…but sometimes we need to understand why we act the way we do. I’m not saying my actions were justified…being mean to someone is never justified. I was wrong but I thought he and we had hashed it over… admitted we had hurt each other and apologized. I thought we had moved past it. I thought he understand where all my hurt had come from and had apologized because he didn’t want to have hurt me. I thought he knew that I hadn’t meant to hurt him and I felt bad for it.

But, I found out that he felt like I had never apologized for it. It blew me away to uncover that.  And it felt so good to reconcile. It felt like we had made huge advances in our friendship and that I could begin to trust him and his intensions. When I first wrote this (and lost it), I felt so good that things were the way they were.

And then last night! I was on evil social networking site and happened to see he had “liked” something of his ex-gfs. Weird…I thought…he had told me over the weekend that he had broke off communication with her. GF had seriously been messing with his head. Dated him, stayed with him made a commitment and then found out her best friend wanted to be her BF. Was most probably in contact with him while she was screwing YBBK and then dropped YBBK like a hot potato and chose her BFF BF. YBBK stayed friends with her and she lied and cheated on the new boyfriend with YBBK. When new boyfriend dumped her ass, she went back to YBBK trying to get him back. What a game she was playing and I thought he realized it. He was hurt but I thought he could see what a cheating whore she was. Don’t get me wrong, she is a sweet girl with my sympathy for her sickness…but a lying cheating whore. She doesn’t know how to be faithful or truthful. And he seemed to “get this” when we talked over the weekend. I felt bad for him but thought it was better that he had seen everything she was.

So, yesterday he asks me to a soccer game and dinner. Cool…I like soccer. But he fails to mention that he took back the GF. Maybe he doesn’t need to tell me these things. Maybe he wasn’t trying to keep it from me/deceive me. But old feelings die hard. When I read he was liking all over her page and the status updates had been generated after he asked me to hang out…I felt deceived.

So, I asked him. He told me that he had taken her back and broke up with her. That he wanted to talk to me about it at the game. What? Couldn’t have told me when he asked me to go. Couldn’t have said, “hey just so you know GF and I are back together.” Why? Why would he want to wait to tell me? Things like that always make me completely suspicious. Did he think I wouldn’t go? Was he really going to tell me? Why the deception?

Maybe I am thinking he is continuing to deceive me because my trust is so dang fragile. I want to trust a man so badly. I want one male friend that I can believe it. It will help me heal and move on. But time and time again…they just seem to fall short. Am I expecting too much?

Weekend update

This weekend was full of interesting discoveries.  I went away with the social group.  YBBK was there.  It's a long story and it just got deleted by this stupid blogger.  I haven't time to rewrite...but will...later....ciao

Another one bites the dust

So, as it turns out, the Admirer was a dud. It turns out he is pretty much like every other guy I've met.  Seems super cool and interested in getting to know me, but then, turns into an asshole.  Not much of a story other than he toldme he was okay with being friends and taking thing slow to see if anything develops.  But one night he comes out with a bunch of friends - not invited by me and I was talking to a friend most of the time.  Mainer, being the moron that he is, implies that the guy I was talking to was more than a friend.  I have no idea why he thought it would be funny to refuse to answer the question or just say, "I don't know," but he didn't.  So the Admirer got the impression there was something going on and decided to start ignoring me.  In the long run, I wasn't too disappointed because it showed the Admirer's true nature.  But, still disappointing to know how fake some people can be.  Especially guys who want to get into my pants....and everyone wonders about my trust issues!  Ha!

Admirer

I have an admirer.  He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever met.  But, I'm not sure I can fall in love with him.  He is smart, kind and very good to me.  I'm trying to give him a chance.  I went out with him to a party on Saturday night.  I knew a few people at the party, so it was a good time.  I got to know a couple people who were acquaintances much better, too.   My Admirer was the perfect gentleman.  He always has been.  If he hadn't told me about his feelings, I would have never guessed he felt that way.  He is so shy around me.  It is weird to have someone be like that for me.  I would like to give him a chance but I'm not sure the spark is there.   He understands that I have been hurt very badly in the past, that I have trouble trusting and i'm not sure I want to get involved. 

I know I don't want to be lonely.  I know I want someone in my life.  But I don't want the wrong person.  I don't want to hurt someone who is so kind and caring.  I am going slowly and carefully with my Admirer. I dont' have a lot of hope that it will amount to anything and have communicated that to him. But he is glad to be friends and willing to be patient.  So.... we'll see.

Three natural disasters and a miracle

Today my spirits were lifted and my faith restored. The Christian Councilor has found a job. She’s been searching for months after CCC discharged in a sea of deceit. And, they had never contributed to unemployment (unbeknownst to her) so she couldn’t collect. Her funds were dwindling at a rate that scared me. I’m thankful that not only has she gotten a job gut it is also a job that I know is so needed. Today she told me.

Thanks. It's been one hellish, super long haul. This company has a new contract with the military to provide 24/7 triage-like mental health support for both troops and their families here as well as troops who are deployed. Brief, solution focused help for them because with all the PTSD and growing needs even from IED, etc... the military is seeing that it needs to increase services. And the needs will keep increasing. So, I could get a call from a mom who is struggling with kids as dad is deployed, a returning vet struggling with depression, or a soldier on the front who is feeling suicidal... etc. In many ways, it is exceeding what I expected from them. One downside- it is a long commute. Lots of upsides summed up in this: We won't have to live in our cars. (trust me, we were getting close)

Needless to say I am extraordinarily grateful to my Heavenly Father, who is good, VERY good whether or not my circumstances are comfortable or not, whether I suffer or not, whether I feel safe and secure or not, whether I have a job or not. If He is good when we are satisfied, he must also be good when we struggle. REJOICING that he is good and his love endures forever even when life breaks all promises. AND, I am very grateful to those who have kept me in their prayers and more importantly in their lives and conversations. That has given me strength to go far beyond what I thought I could ever stand. And, Jenna and Alyssa (her daughters) have been amazingly patient and resilient in the face of a whole lot of difficulties- they are among the best that I have to celebrate- always! Thanks again for the well-wishes!

I have a huge challenge to get the other state to grant me my license there. I have heard that they do not make the process easy and are one of the most difficult states as far as reciprocity goes (for most jobs, teachers, medical, mental health, etc...) But, I have 6 months to work at it. So, that'll be part of the excitement.

There's a whole lot more to the story of right before it happened. But, suffice it to say, I was desperate enough to have been looking at jobs, any jobs... some that paid 20 to 30 thousand dollars less than this one. I think that I feel that this one was being prepared for me, but it's all new. I don't know if that makes sense, and it is a huge commute, but... you know I'm just so glad that I don't even think I've reacted yet.

In a two week prior, fraught with natural disasters and rare things, I could say yeah, I got a job when there was an earthquake, a hurricane and flooding- all things that are pretty rare.

One thing I know for sure, is that just days before I got the interview, I had told God that I was kind of tire of seeing people saying that He was good, only when they had been spared- you know, "I have electricity- God is good." "I am safely home- God is good." etc.. etc... and it was killing me because what does that mean for people who weren't safe and warm, etc...? So, He and I had a talk and I told Him that I totally got it. That I can't be one to only say He is good when all is the way I want it. If He is good, He is always good. And my faith has to be based on that, not on how nice my life is. Literally, the day after we had that talk, I got the interview. Now, I'm so excited to be able to give again, to write that first tithe check from my new job... and of course some selfish things like my first hair cut in 6 months, some full tanks of gas, and CHRISTMAS presents I long to buy. Not gonna go crazy, just excited to be able to give again.

Another thing that I know is that I have another range of experience now of the shame and frustration and esteem, and other difficult feelings that come with losing a job, being destabilized in that way- stuff that really wasn't on my radar as far as how that feels. I get it now and I know that helps me be a better helper and understander of things. Understander….that’s such an awesome word.

It's all a myth that we Americans think is foolproof- if you're educated and try hard, you'll be okay. BAH! I am glad to be a better and better understander. I'm hoping next time I need to understand something better, God will recommend a good book for me to read on the topic!!! God has also clarified the subject of the book I'm supposed to write. I know He's been prompting me for a long time, I just didn't have clarity as to which subject. Now I know it's meant to be about suffering.

I’ve been crying all morning. I am so overjoyed with the news because I had run out of ways to help her. I wasn’t sure what more I could do besides moving her in with me. Yes, the thought crossed my mind.

So, I’ve been angry with God over it because she has always seemed so faithful to him. I told her that I didn’t think she needed to “learn” that God was good. She said, “intellectually, no.” I found that interesting. The whole time, I thought God was being unfair to her and her family. That He could fix this if He wanted. But He didn’t want to. But now I see, that He knew better than me. Yeah, what a surprise that is! That sometimes the silver lining is really a silver cloud being obscured by eyes that can’t see clearly what they are looking at.

Yes, the way things went down at CCC was horrible. And yes, she has suffered tremendously these past few months. But through it all, God is still good. He still deserves our praise and worship. And, He still knows best. I know these things in my head but my heart sometimes forget. For when I’m in the midst of ugly earthly matters, I forget Him. I forget His beauty. I stop talking to Him. I yell at Him. I cry out to Him but I fail to talk and fail even more to listen. I’ve never been a good listener any way.

It took what seems like a miracle. Funny I say that. My faith, still not as childlike as I’d like, isn’t’ strong enough to acknowledge it to be the miracle that it is. But it took that to help restore my faith in God. I believed in Him…but felt He had abandoned us. I felt that He just let us flap in the wind. Or that He had bigger things to take care of. I mean, we are, after all, small potatoes compared to wars, famine, oppression, etc. He’s got that to deal with so who are a couple single women whose hearts were broken over the failure of other Christians. But, all along, He was watching, protecting, loving us and probably even talking to the rebellious one who rarely listens.

But He has my attention now. And the belief in my heart that He won’t abandon us. Come earthquake, hurricane, flood and what may… He is God and He is good.

Cold and Broken Hallelujah

I’m having a rough week. A hurricane made it’s way through our area – the whole eastern seaboard, actually. I had to cut my vacation short. That didn’t really bother me much. Just one less day at the beach. I replaced it with going out with my friends and had a lovely time.

I invited my friend over to ride out the storm the night of hurricane. He’s a nice guy – lots of issues, but a nice guy. Funny how at one time I was interested in him but as time went by and I got to know him, I realized he has the personality that I could never deal with as a BF. But, I can love him as a friend and we do have good times together as friends. So, we had dinner and watched movies until I kicked him out. The storm took out my power in the middle of the night – 3:10 a.m. to be exact.

Not having power didn’t really bug me. I was just rolling with the punches.  I ate out – which I do quite frequently any way. Showered at a friends – had lots of offers from friends to eat and shower at their house, actually. I strive to be a good friend and I’ve found that it is always returned to me tenfold. I’m quite blessed. I try to remember this; I do.

But the day the power came back on, it all fell apart. On my way home, I was in slow traffic on the highway and was passed by two guys weaving in and out of traffic on crotch rockets. It always upsets me to see that. A few minutes later, I see the result of their behavior. There, lying in front of the driver’s side wheel of a tractor trailer was one of the motorcycles. As soon as I saw it, I started screaming. I couldn’t stop. As I drove by, it appeared the bike driver was actually standing above the bike, looking at it. On the left shoulder, the second motorcycle was parked and the driver running back. I couldn’t stop crying the whole way home. I checked and there was no fatality…but I can’t imagine how anyone would survive that crash. I swore I was seeing a ghost when I saw the one boy standing over the bike. 

When I got home, I started cleaning out my refrigerator. Everything was spoiled. Luckily, I had been traveling the weekends prior, so there wasn’t much to spoil. But still lost at least $100 in food, I’m sure. Then, when I tried to open the garage door using the (brand new) garage door opener, I couldn’t get it to work. Now that the power was back on, I couldn’t figure out why and that is when I lost it. I screamed and cried out to God. I let out all my anger and disappointment. I screamed and cried for at least 15 minutes. I told Him how sick and tired I am of having no one to help me. I’m tired of everything falling on my shoulders. I’ve spent 5 years growing and becoming strong but would like a break. I want someone in my life I can count on to be there. I want someone that can take care of me as well as I can take care of them. I want someone who will hold me at night and be faithful to me. I am so done with having to put on a happy face and move along the path I’m on. I told Him I was done. I am sick of this stupid existence He has given me. I hate it. That it was my turn to have something good for me. I begged Him to help me figure out how to fix the stupid door. As I climbed on the ladder at one end, I screamed and screamed that I am not able to handle what I have been given. And then moved the ladder to the other end, crying out. I fiddle with the stupid door and carrier and then figured out how to fix it. I thanked God for His help and shut the door.

But, this feeling hasn’t left me. I am tired. I am so tired of feeling lonely despite the love and friends that surround me. I’m tired of not getting affection from a significant other. I’m tired of not having sex. I’m tired of not having a person I can count on. I’m tired of having guys that I couldn't imagine myself dating showing interest in me and guys that I like turning out to be liars, cowards, users, cheats or just not worthy of my affection. I’m tired of feeling outcast and broken.

I’ve prayed; I’ve tried to be good and kind. I’ve tried to experience new things and enjoy the freedom I have. But I’m still not content. I’ve tried to look at those who are less fortunate…friends who have lost their jobs, lost their children, lost their homes. These are things that would devastate me…I know this. I know God has blessed me in those ways. And, I try to find comfort in it.

But despite how hard I seek, I am still discontent. I am still sad and tired. Just so very tired of it all.

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Is how to shoot someone who outdrew ya

It's not a cry you hear at night
It's not someone who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.

Weekend

It is weird.  Until this past weekend, I thought I was completely over YBBK.  I really did.  But, I realized I still have a very weak spot for him.  After the party on Saturday, we were texting.  It was more him just texting me asking for information.  But, I took the opportunity to ask him to not bring a date for the beach weekend in October.  He is way more fun when he isn't doting on a woman.  He could have a really good time with his friends, if he just let himself.  I wish he could see this.  He answered saying he had already been with and failed with the only single lady going that he was interested in.  That text really shook me up.  It was then that I realized I was still in love with him.  The fact that we failed mad me cry. 

I still don't understand it.  It seemed like things were so good between us, yet something was missing for him.  I wish I could understand it.  What is it about me that men I adore can't see themselves with me for the long term? We had fun together.  We had good conversations.  And didn't seem to get sick of being around each other.  The sex was good.  I thougth we respected each other.  Maybe this was all one sided.  I don't know.  Part of me thinks he still hasn't gotten over his ex-wife and therefore, can't move forward.  Part of me thinks that is a cop out and there is some major flaw in me that I'm missing.  I can't figure it out.

I recently bought a Brandie Carlie live CD.  Throughout the CD are songs that remind me of various men in my life.  For YBBK, the song is called I Will.   The last stanza's sum up the way I feel about him and why I should continue to do what I can to distance myself from him.

It's been time to let you go a thousand times.
You'll never know how it hurts to be the one that you'd regret.
I have to say that I'm proud to know you
And I'll never be the same because we met
You might not miss this
But I will

Best day ever!

Today is one of my favorite days of the year.  BFE was brought into the world on this day - the little Mexican love of mine!  She is truly the best friend ever and I'm thankful we were a match made in heaven.  We really were - we met at a church tea.  I remember her sitting two people away from me.  We chatted and then at the end she came over to shake my hand.  I can't imagine the look of shock on my face when I saw she was missing an arm.  I felt sooooo stupid!  She didn't seem to mind.  So many times over the course of our friendship, I forgot about that pesky phantom arm.  "Let's go kayaking!"  "Let's get coffee while we drag our bags through O'hara airport" "why do we need quick tie garbage bags?"  "what do you mean you need a special steering wheel?"  The list goes on.  Luckily, she realized that, despite my donning her with the nickname the "one armed mexican", I'd forget beecause she never seemed armless to me.  Plus, I think she has secret powers... I still can't figure out how she manages to fix the couch as well as I can! 

In addition, my Little Little Sis was born today.  Before BFE, she taught me about love and consistency.  I never knew what I did to deserve her attention and the way she showered me with gifts and cards.  She loved me and my family in a way I don't think I ever deserved. 

I think of both these ladies as my sisters.  They show to me the love and grace that can only come of God.  I'm sure that is the way He loves us.

To top it off, Frenchie comes home today!  He is finally eating consistently and is on meds that have prevented seizures for the past 5 days.  I'm a little worried about Lil Sis being ready, but she told me today, "I'll wing it."   I was too young with Boo to realize what a task I undertook.  I was tired for a year!  Hopefully Lil Sis manages better.

Yes, August 2 will ALWAYS be a special day for special people in my heart!

Ponderings on Dating

I went on a date last night.  It seemed like a good idea at the time. 

We'll call him NewYork....because we'll he's from the city.  The Bronx to be specific.  A nice guy, smart educated, funny, etc.  He went out of his way to make my acquaintance at a social gathering.  And then later, to email me.  So, I figured what the heck.  We talked on the phone for 1-1/2 hours the night before.  I hate talking on the phone and didn't realize we had been on that long. 

He has all the personality traits that I like - direct, honest, funny, and just a plain good guy.  But...there's always the but!  He doesn't DO anything.  He doesn't hike, doesn't play sports, doesn't go to concerts, doesn't have hobbies.  He's a watcher - watches sports, likes dance music (which would be fine if that wasn't the only type of music he liked), goes to the Caribbean for travel, watches movies.  He's a typical NY'er...city boy. He's never ridden a bike!  He likes hanging out with his friends.  MM said he is a sitcom...lol...I'm thinking Seinfeld.  Perhaps I should name him Jerry...hahaha. 

I think over time, he'd bore me.  I know he's into me.  He texted a couple of times today. I probably should nip this one in the bud.  I let the whole Southern Gentleman relationship go on way too long...mostly because I couldn't find any major grievances with ihm.  Be he too bored me - but in a different way.  I knew that one wouldn't last but gave it a shot any way.  I wanted a nice upstanding honorable guy...just wish he had a personality.

I'm thinking I just need to stop saying yes to dates!  It'd be nice to find someone but it just aggrevates me and sucks away my precious time.  I coulda went hiking last night.  Or worked on the blanket (Oh God! the blanket that will never be finished!).  

I can't say I didn't have fun.  I can't say he wasn't interesting or excitable.  But, I'm not sure I can say I want to spend more time with him. 

Have I mentioned I hate dating!  UGH!

My world according to Pooh

Recently I had a friend ask me what I want in a relationship. I had to think about what I valued most in this world and how to put it into words. I don't think I did a very good job. And then I was reading Winnie the Pooh...seriously, no comments here. There's a new movie coming out and I was doing research...okay so I just like reading and watching kid movies. They are cool. But I digress and that's a whole other note (named Dragons)

So I've pulled some of the quotes that help to describe what I value and look for in a friendship. Pooh really does know best!

I was walking along looking for somebody and then suddenly I wasn't anymore.

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."

"Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.

People who don’t think probably don’t have brains;  rather, they have grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake.

Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.

but Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.

"I don’t feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh (me).
"There there," said Piglet (C2). "I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do."

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.

And by and by Christopher Robin came to the end of things, and he was silent, and he sat there, looking out over the world, just wishing it wouldn't stop.

"But it isn't easy,' said Pooh. 'Because Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you."

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

Weeds are flowers too once you get to know 'em

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

Some people care too much, I think it's called love.

"How do you spell 'love'?" - Piglet
"You don't spell it...you feel it." - Pooh"

End of the weekend

Well, I'm back to where I started the weekend out.  The deck and man is it lovely out.  The killer poodle is not huntin wabbits, as I gave her a hair cut, so she is now hiding inside...as if I can't find her! 

I ended things with the Southern Gentleman last night.  It was hard.  It's always hard doing the right thing.  But it was the right thing.  I feel better.  I don't want to date or be tied to anyone.  He was good about giving me space and letting me do my own thing, but even so, when he was with me, I couldn't be myself.  I realized that and it was the deciding factor in letting it go. 

I made all my travel arrangements for the trip to NC.  C2 looked up realty information for me.  I'm glad she did.  I will want that barganing chip if I decide to take the job. 

Killer just snuck past me into the yard.  I said hi to her and she pretended not to hear me...just picked up her pace.  She is now barking at random nothingness.  I like the peace and quiet of my backyard during the evening.  Well, the crickets are chirping and so are some random birds.  But it always feels right.

Lil Sis called this morning.  She is doing better.  It was touch and go with her having lost blood and retaining fluids.  Her lungs were filled.  But she will be discharged tomorrow.  Frenchie is still in NICU.  He isn't sucking.  Hopefully he'll start soon.  I'm surprised that he is doing so poorly, considering Boo was born much more premature than him and was 2 lbs less.  But then again, I was 20 years younger and that probably makes a difference.

I watched the Women's World cup finals.  A buddy of mine wanted to go out to watch the game.  I was invited a few different places  but this one was closest to home and he is a true soccer fan - he's seen more (in person) world cup/olympic games than I have  A few other people said they'd come out and then bailed.  YBBK asked about it, so he was there.  Eldest Sis was dropping off my favorite nephew at camp.  I was texting her updates when I could.  I know what it is like to be on kid duty when there is something else you'd rather do.

Of course, when I'm watching soccer, nothing else matters.  It's me and the game...well, an occassional comment about the ref - lovingly named Helga and the coach Pat.  I love, love, love that the USA women's team has a female coach (even if she does look like a man! tee hee).  Not many of our competitors do.  I always root for the team with a female coach....when it is a female played sport.  Something about having a guy tell me what to do on the field...LOL!   My soccer coach in HS was a female. She was a bad ass and one of the best coaches ever.  Our school, even though it was one of the smallest divisions, always went to sectionals and often to regionals and states.  My years, we lost in regionals but we were playing schools 10x bigger than us!

The World Cup game was a disappointment.  I hate that they only play one additonal "period" and then it goes into a penalty kick shoot off.  I think they should have a period of sudden death before a shoot off.  Of course, if they did, I might not like that either.  In the long run, both teams played well.  The Japanese ladies are so sweet and good sports, if we had to lose to someone, it is better them than a European team or Brazil. 

I should go grocery shopping.  Boo left me a list.  But I have no ambition.  I thought of calling up a couple friends to see if they wanted to go out.  Or maybe hit the road on my bike.  I had a couple of drinks earlier, though.  So, I'm thinking the bike ride isn't a very prudent thing.  I'm probably fine but, I am still so cautious.  I wonder if I end up moving to NC if I'll ride it more often.  More back roads is my guess. 

Well, I'm just rambling here.  I should pick up the cross stitch or the guitar instead of typing a whole lot of nothingness.   LOL

peace

Saturday Morning Coffee

Well, C2 was supposed to be here to be sipping coffee on the porch.  But sometimes life gets in the way of our fun.  Her Mama went into the hospital and she needs to stay with her.  I am more disappointed than I can put into words but I completely understand and agree with her decision.  It just sucks all around.  Her mom seems to be doing better.  But, I think the sadness of losing her hubby is too overwhelming for her to bear.

My Lil Sis had her baby on July 14.  He is a Bastille day baby. I will call him Frenchie!  Frenchie came into the world at 8 lbs 11 oz. He was 4 weeks pre-mature.  He looked like a linebacker in NICU with all the other premie babies!  LOL.  Lil Sis had gestational diabetes and I think Frenchie gained alot of weight as a result.  They had to take him planned-emergency C-section.  He is doing well.  Brother in Law is such an idiot when it comes to telling us what is going on.  Luckily Lil Sis called me the other night and I got to talk to her.  She wasn't doing too well.  Brother in Law texted this morning to have me tag some photos for him, so I took the time to ask about Lil Sis and Frenchie.  Not much response from him but at least she is doing "better".  No answer on whether Frenchie is out of NICU.  I wish I could be there.  It is too hard to be so far away.  I didn't feel like this for my other siblings but I didn't "raise" them.  I guess this is what it will be like when Boo has a baby (years and years and years from now, I hope!).   It makes me re-think the job in NC.

Oh, the job in NC...yeah, well that.  I'm going on an on site interview a week from Monday.  They want me. I know I'm their best candidate.  It sounds pompous but it is true.  I have been doing what they want to do for the biggest and best company for the past 6 years.  Before that I was gaining all the pertinent experience to do it.  Sooo, it is just a matter of logistics.  It is in a location where I want to be.  A place where I can buy a cottage on a lake...where I can retire.  The company has better culture than what mine is changing to.  As far as a job and career go...it is a no brainer.  But it is a scary move for me to make all by myself.  I can make new friends, I do that easily enough.  But I will miss the ones I have here.  And, I'll miss Boo.  I think she is ready though.  I've been praying over the decision and begging the big G to help make it clear to me on the visit.  I'm not sure how he'll confirm positive, though.  He definitely confirmed negative on Boston and Portland. 

Oh and a twist on the work thing.  So this past week, my boss added a group to my reporting structure.  Yeah, crazy, huh?  My boss is considered universally throughout the company as on of the hard ass people to work with.  And, he loves me.  I know I kick ass and I never let him down.  All my bosses have loved me.  But I never thought I'd get him to that point.  But he is there.  So other than the takeover causing the culture to go to hell in a hand bag, my career is doing great.  I wouldn't consider moving if all the other items were there.  It is a hard decision I'm going to have to make.

My love life is a mess.  Southern Gentleman has treated me perfectly...as he has done for months now.  Last night he kissed me good night for the 3rd time.   He kisses wonderfully.  He is awesome toward me.  But, I'm not sure.  I don't want to hurt him.  I don't want to lead him on.  I don't want to be disingenuous in the least bit.  I think I'm scared to let myself go again.  I think YBBK's deceptions really sent me back to a place where I don't want to give someone the chance to screw me over again.  I don't know.  SG seems too good to be true.  No one is that kind, patient, and considerate.  I haven't had anyone treat me this well in so long.  But, I'm not sure. There is something that holds me back.  My intuition has failed me at times but I think it is right on here.  So, I'm keeping my space.  I need him to completely know how unsure I am.  I've told him but I don't think he really gets it.  My heart is very sad when I'm around him, though.   So I know I need to remedy that situation ASAP. 

Boo is doing well.  She just made her own decision about dropping a class this summer at school.  I'm not 100% in agreement with her. But, I let her make it.  I hope it all works out.  She doesn't want to ruin her GPA...love that!  She has a 3.77!  That is just 0.02 less than what I graduated with. Soooo, she could possibly beat me!  LOVE IT! Oh yeah, she has left her Dad in the dust.  Tee hee!  That really isn't all that hard.  Not that he isn't smart enough.  He just played more than studied.  Although, while her maturity level isn't quite there, Boo seems to have my brains.  She just has my ADD, Lil Sis's dyslexia and so NOT my photographic memory.  So, she is just not a visual learner.  And, that is why I let her drop the "online" class.  But hopefully, she'll learn from this and not sign up for another.  :D

Well, I guess that covers it.  The killer poodle is done hunting in the back yard; my coffee cup is empty.  And, I think, it is time for the day to begin.  I have helped organize a surprise party for one of my favorite people in the world.  I need to get my stuff done round this place so I can go (guilt free) and enjoy seeing him surprised by the love of his friends (and gf who is one of my favorite people, too).

p.s.  Project Surprise Blankie is NOT finished.  LOL.  It may be ready by Christmas or the first birthday!

Life

Yes, I've been happy....always quiet when I'm happy.  :D

Right now I'm listening to U2 play from my neighbor's office.  He went to the concert, too.  We actually have it blaring because no one else is at work.  The concert was phenominal.  BFF from college flew into town to go with me.  I spent way too much money on the amazing 9th row seats...but hey, it was my birthday present to me and her.  She loves them maybe one teeny, tiny bit more than I do.  It was my second concert but much better than the first 10 years ago.  That one was an indoor arena and this one was an outdoor stadium.  They are one of the few bands that do stadiums right. I forgot my camera, though. Well, it made me spend more time watching the concert!  What a way to begin my birthday week! 

My birthday was spent with BFF college.  I showed her around the town and made sure she got to have the best cream of crab soup and the best crab cakes my town has to offer.  More than anything, it was awesome to spend time with her.  Some days I think it's time to pack up and go back to the North East.  I love the people there.  Just can't stand the winters!!!

I'm off to soccer now.  I'll try to give the rest of the birthday week update tomorrow...but I might not quite get there...bisy! bisy backson!!!!

Beat to Smithereens

I spent several hours with a friend this past weekend. He and I just started chatting and it was amazing at how much we had in common. He is one of the kindest, most honorable people I’ve ever met. It was awesome to chat with him. I came to the realization that when push comes to shove, I’ll always go with my heart over my head.

We were chatting about “spent” relationships. I told him all the “secrets” of my past relationships. He told me his. He is still in love with someone who is bad for him. Everyone is telling him he needs to let her go. I smiled and he asked why. I told him how my advice to everyone is to keep on trying. That if he still loves her, she hasn’t beaten up his heart enough. That at some point, she’ll have beaten all the love out of him and he’ll be ready to let her go. He seemed to like that advice because it allows him to continue to go after her.

I always seem to give (myself and) my friends permission to follow their heart. Sometimes the head gets to the conclusion first and it takes the heart awhile to follow. You will extend your heart time and time again, only to have it bashed by the other person (can you say YBBK?!). Finally, you learn that, for whatever reason, this person will never treat you right. Your friends tell you to stay away because they are trying to protect you from this heartache. But in order to not “what if” yourself, you need to go through this…okay, so I need to go through this! But so do many of my friends, as well.

On some occasions, the other person is honorable (PJ). They won’t engage. They won’t beat you up. In this case, I believe the person is compassionate and honorable. It is what I try to be. When I am done, I am done. There are no games. It is the best thing for the other person. It is how PJ treated me. He knew he couldn’t go on. So instead of playing with my heart, he said goodbye. We still love each other…I believe that. But, it isn’t meant to be.

On very rare occasions, the heart is right…it just needed a little more time to flesh out the issues. In my opinion, it is these times that make it worth it. There is a longing that no one else can satisfy, so you keep going back. Eventually, you work through your demons (together) and then you have the most beautiful relationship ever. Like all rare things, this is incredible. I hope this for my friend…although, sadly I expect she’ll beat him to smithereens.

Day 2 of Project Blankie

Day 2:

Last night, Pookie came over to help me stitch. She is awesome…good person and great friend. We each sat at one end of the couch and worked on opposite ends of the blanket.   The attack poodle was the supervisor. She took her position on the “princess pillow” guarding her panties and watched…until she got bored and fell asleep.

 It was important that we had incentive to work.  So a wee bit of inspiration was poured.

After 2-1/2 hours, the wine was gone, so we called it a night.   After two days of working: The entire top clouds, two stars and two clouds on the bottom right – finished.   

To quote Pookie, “We are going to need some serious help!”

The big G

So the beautiful Christian Counsellor and I have been emailing.  Live is pretty hard for her right now.  I can't stand to see such a wonderful person suffer as she has been.  The Mother's Day gift we gave her has helped her to stay in the house she is renting, but she desparately needs a job..now!  It breaks my heart.  In our exchange of emails, I mentioned to her my disappointment and issues with the big G right now.  She asked me to expand on that idea.  So I did. Not the best of my writing but still, probably one of the first times I've ever written down all that I think on the subject.  Well, not all but a lot of any way.  Here is how it went....

Watch what you ask for….you might get it.

I’ve always had a little problem with believing in Heaven and the afterlife. So of course, God’s existence comes into question for me, too. It is all a matter of science for me. Like the universe has to be infinite, else what is on the “other side?” And, then relation of time to space (relativity). All of these physical phenomena make the existence of another realm seem plausible. And, there is Einstein’s belief in God. The man was far beyond most other humans when it came to understanding how these things work. Sooo…if he believes, then I should be able to believe…right? But still I struggle with it. I always have. Mostly because everything else on the physical realm, that man knows and understands, I can grasp - because my mind works that way. So this “other world” is where the doubt starts…has always started.

I follow Christ because I believe what he said was right. Everything he says, resonates with my being as being correct -to be honorable toward others, to treat others with kindness and respect, to not judge, understand that following rules (dietary, sacrifices, etc) doesn’t make you a better person. What Christ taught about how to behave toward others is logically and emotionally right (to me). So I can follow him. My reason for listening to sermons is to hear how other people interpret Christ’s teachings and how to apply them in this day and age. Following Christ’s beliefs has rarely been an issue for me.

My prayer life has always been weak. I figure this is because I struggle with the whole God idea and the fact that he actually listens, cares, etc. I mean, if he is omnipotent, then why does he care if we worship him, give thanks, etc. He knows He can do all. He doesn’t have human weakness of pride or needing reassurance. So why would He need us to worship him. Of course, the other aspect of the prayer life is it requires effort especially for someone ADHD like me. So, of course, I’m naturally weak at that. My prayers usually come when I’m sad or angry or desirous of something. I do try to give thanks but I never really feel “close to God” when praying.

When old Church shut down or now with last Church, and I find myself without a church, I am without the things that normally allow me some time with God. I love music. It moves me in ways nothing else does. So I love worship. It is during worship that I believe in God’s existence…music is related to math and math is perfect, as is God. So music is a gift from God’s perfectness to us. I guess I could play worship music outside of church and still worship Him, but I don’t. Same goes for listening to other people’s interpretation of the Word and how to apply it. So without a church, these things are lacking for me.

Searching for a church is awful for me. I hate going to places I’ve never been before. I hate sitting still for over an hour, when after 15 minutes I’ve realized I don’t want to be there. I hate having to feel like this weird stranger or have all these people try to make me “want” their church. I hate searching for a church. I have only gone to check out one church. I sent addicted Friend to another without me and her reporting allowed me to scratch that one off the list too. But, I’ve pretty much given up.

And, sadly, many Christians irk me (can you say Southern Baptist?). I should just say people irk me. But, don’t say you follow Christ when you obviously don’t seem to want to do what He asks us to do. I try to understand…we are human. We are not perfect and can’t do all that He asks. I don’t pretend I am better than others. I make mistakes. I struggle follow Him and do all that is asked. But, I still get irritated when others use His teachings to persecute those around them or just to do what they want. I don’t want to be around them.

So of course, when Christians annoy me or I lose my church or I lose my faith or I struggle with life, I get mad at God. I’m sure He is just as disappointed when Christians judge each others, or the failures of those who are claiming to follow him or with those who disobey and hurt others as I get when Britt messes up big time. I’m sure He is saddened and hurt by it all. But still, I get angry. It seems so unfair that there are those who try like mad to do what He asks of us – when people try to do the right thing each and every day…just to be hurt over and over again. It sucks and I know He doesn’t promise fairness in this world but still, every once in awhile, I’d like to see a little justice. Because I don’t really have a whole lot of faith in the existence of this afterlife where these people are supposed to be rewarded. I wish I had that. I wish I had a stronger belief that God really cared about His people.

When it comes to me, I try to believe He is looking out for me. It seems like when things happen to other people…things that would “for sure kill me” but haven’t happened to me, I believe in Him. I believe He protects me from those things but then I think, “Is this all the happiness I’m allowed in my life?” I can’t drive the desire to have a partner from my heart. The partner doesn’t seem to exist. There is this great big hole in my life. And while everything else around this hole is pretty well taken care of, the hole is all consuming. Despite all that I do, everything I try, the hole creates a veil of sadness over all that is good.

So, why, if He won’t fill the hole, why won’t he take the desire away? He can do that. But He won’t. And, I’m tired of everything having to be in His damn time. My interpretation of Psalm 69:3 “I am weary with my crying; my throat is dried: Mine eyes fail while I wait for my God” - His time sucks!

I tease C2 and tell her, “The big G and I aren’t speaking to each other. Not that I’ve ever really heard him talking to me any way.” She tells me it is because I never really listened but He is still talking to me and she is talking to Him for me. Through it all, I figure if there really is a God, he probably isn’t too pissed at me for my insolence and questioning. I, think if he is paying attention, He just laughs at me, shakes His head and thinks, “watch this,” as he throws the next curve ball my way.

Any way, you are one of very few people that I’ve ever told all of this to. So guess that means that I trust and love you as my sister.