I just came home from the most fabulous date with Young Man. My head is spinning. He set up the sweetest date. I just can't get past how much thought he puts into our dates! I am a kid's movie addict. But, since my boo is grown, the only chance I get to go see the kid's movies is when I rent or borrow a kid for the day. I told Young Man this awhile ago. He has a computer brain because he seems to remember every detail I tell him and then surprises me with it.
So, on Tuesday, we went to see WALL-E. I ate popcorn for dinner that night (as par for the course when I got to the movies!) and mentioned how I felt guilty for not having at least a salad. After the movie, we just sat in the car (outside his house) and talked (2 hours). We had a fabulous time, despite the very upset mood I had been in prior. He even listened sympathetically as I whined and eventually cried about what was bothering me. He is a great sounding board. He told me his story, which he has only told to a few other people, so I won't repeat it. All I can say is the boy probably has been more hurt than men twice his age!
So tonight, he asked me if I wanted to watch Ratatouille. Of course I did. He was flexible about the start time - which allowed me to not miss happy hour with the boys....he gets bonus points for that! Then, he called all upset that I might not want to come over after he tells me something... that he has a motorcycle. Considering the pain I've seen the machines create, I could understand his concern. But, as long as he is safe with it, I don't see it as an issue. So, then his room mate tried to throw a monkey wrench in the plan, so he came over here for a bit. We hung out and chatted and he allowed himself to be tortured by looking at my photography. He drove me over to his place to watch the movie. I wasn't sure why this was necessary, until we got there. He had gotten flowers, some Merlot, popcorn and a salad (to ease my popcorn guilt). I just can't get over how special he makes me feel. He always says the kindest things. He thinks my aversion to violence is "cute" and tells me he finds me "adorable". He can so sweep me off my feet. He constantly asks questions about me. Sometimes I can tell it's just to understand me better. But other times, I think he's just trying to understand what I like and don't like so he can do the right thing. Like when I told him the story about some "ushy gushy stuff" that I had read. He asked me "so, do you like ushy gushy stuff?" (yes!).
In all, I can't seem to find any flaws with him - despite the obvious age difference. If this keeps up, though, I think I'll just neglect the age difference thing. I haven't felt this good, this special, this safe, this "myself" in a really long time.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
the best you can
Like everyone, there are things I truly like to do – write, sing, play guitar, dance, teach, cook, and be a mom (sometimes!). I’m not all that good at them, but I have moments of brilliance as well as “I certainly hope no one saw/heard/read that” moments. There are very few things that I would say I’m good at - engineering and photography are about the only ones I can think of, at this moment. I am detailed oriented and have a good sense of aesthetics – this helps me to be good at both. But, I would say it is the passion I have for them that probably puts me over the edge, though. It is always what makes people great at what they do (not claiming greatness here, though – just good).
So, when my little sis asked me to do some photography at her wedding, I was absolutely flattered. She’s traveled with me and seen my work. I was thrilled that she trusted me to do this. And, I was terrified. I never worried about messing up my own stuff, but this was for her. She’s been one of my closest friends since I was five and we “moved in together”. We slept in the same bed during thunder storms, shared secrets, and plotted against mom, dad, our siblings, and just about anyone who ever challenged us. Our relationship has waxed and waned over the years, but dang, we have a history. I couldn’t bear to think of screwing it up for her. So truly, the pressure was on.
I bought a new camera body. I had a great camera and lenses but like me, they were a little outdated. The body was 35mm film and we have entered the digital age. So, I asked one of my favorite friends, who is of the best photographers I know, to help me purchase a new camera. He did (more resolution is better!) and I bought it. So, now I had the technical capabilities to take care of my sis.
I was pretty stressed about it from the moment I got on the cruise ship (boat). There were about 40 people on the boat for the wedding and just so much going on. But, up until the wedding, I kept stressing. I hadn’t spent as much time “fiddling” with the new camera as I should have. I knew this. I just had been so busy that I couldn’t find tine. So this inadequacy haunted me up until the wedding day. But, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it. I went out there telling myself I would do my best. After all, I had a list of pictures she wanted, a game plan and my obsessive/compulsive attention to detail. Oh yeah, and the over bearing sense of responsibility that I am so good at dumping upon myself.
It started off well. I got pictures of friends and family as they disembarked from the boat and waited to be “bussed” to the beach. I got a little nerve wracked waiting for my Boo, the maid of honor, to show up from getting her motor scooter. But we all boarded the bus and headed out. We arrived at the beautiful secluded beach and I started taking pictures. Everyone, everything, every where, click, click, click goes Camera Butt (my little sis so lovingly bestowed this nickname upon me at Yosemite National park). So during the wedding I am clicking away. Trying so hard to get all the pictures I think my little sis would want, so she wouldn’t have to buy the outrageously priced pics from the “professional” photographer that the cruise line gave to her for “free”.
A couple times my older sis was in the way. I didn’t say anything to her because she hates me. I don’t know why. She has for years. I always do something wrong during the short period of time we see each other. I guess I must digress here.
I left home at the age of 18 to go to college. I was glad to leave the horrid home town I grew up in. I learned so much more than engineering in those four years. I was fortunate enough to find a new family, my sorority. I’m not sure why I was so blessed with such a wonderful group of women, but those four years contain a truckload of happy memories. I learned that home is where your heart is and for those four years my heart belonged to that beautiful town in the Adirondacks, that house, and most importantly, that group of women. I learned that everyone is flawed. True love is knowing and accepting each other’s flaws, encouraging each other to grow, all the while knowing that you have someone to turn to. Some people never learn that lesson. Yes, I know, I was truly blessed.
I applied that lesson everywhere I went. I moved around for a bit before settling in this border state of the civil war. But here, I made myself another family of friends from work, church, and neighbors – by loving and allowing myself to be loved and cared for. It made leaving my biological family easier. And, I totally didn’t miss the fights, arguments, pokes, behind the back slurs and sibling rivalry that biological families bring. I missed each person, but was glad that I was 300 miles away, too. I could just remove myself from all of that. So, when my other relatives would say, “I talked to your older sister and she says you two aren’t talking. What’s up?” My usual comment would be, “oh, I didn’t know we weren’t talking. Why did she say we were mad at each other?” Cuz quite frankly, I never had a bone to pick with her and I never understood what I did to her. So the more they told me such things, the less I let the family know what my life was like. And, to this day, I can truly say, my family doesn’t know me. One day a great man told me a story about his relatives or my grandmother’s relatives. The story was of two men that went so many years of being mad at each other that they forgot what their original fight was about. Italians! It was his way of telling me to make peace in my family. I try but being far away, I don’t try that much. I figure I got 4 siblings and three of them really like me. 75% is passing in almost all academic endeavors – right? But, I do take my grandpa’s words to heart and try to not upset the older sister. Digression ended.
While taking pictures at the wedding, I make every attempt to not upset my older sis. I don’t get in front of her; I shoot around her. I will be a professional here. She seems to ignore my presence (as usual) and time and time again, ruins the shots I’m after. I eat crow and tell myself not to worry. I know though that only a few key shots are required for a good wedding album - exchange the rings, vows, wedding party and the kiss. The wonderful, beautiful, ever to be haunt me, “you may kiss the bride” shot. Yeah, so, as I tried to shoot around my older sis, as I tried to not be in her way or anyone else’s, she pops into my “kiss the bride” shot. I shoot again and there she is again and what comes forth from my (Christian - but not at this moment in time!) mouth, but “shit!” Not the quiet utterance you say when you stub your toe at work. But the culmination of days of nervousness, weight of perfection, and moments of frustration of trying to do your best, Shit! So loud, so unable to take it back, or rewind and do the moment over. So utterly embarrassing as my family already has such a damn low opinion of me. So unbelievable because these people only remember the teenager who hated her home, hated her town, and most importantly hated the world - and it is that foul mouth who shows up during the you may kiss my beautiful little sister moment. The wedding I wanted to shoot perfectly. The wedding I wanted to be perfect in every way, shape and form for my little sis. I had to open my mouth and I was mortified. And, all this family - who has never really understood or known me, has their opinion of me reinforced. I am mortified but must continue to shoot because my job is not done.
And then it happens. I am asked why I was so rude as to ruin the wedding. Mind you I am still laden with the responsibility of creating perfection in stills. I am horrified that my mouth betrayed me. And, like the fool I am, I open my mouth to say, “my sister’s big fat head screwed up my picture.” Yup, that’s what came from my mouth, my wonderful Christian mouth (again, not at this moment!). It wasn’t MY picture that was screwed up. It was my little sis’s picture that was screwed up. And, that was where the anger came from. It came from an unselfish (sort of) motive – but it was still anger that flowed from my lips. And, it flowed right into the ears, of, oh yeah, you guessed, my older sister, who hates me and, now, has a reason to hate me evermore. She made sure I knew she heard – I don’t remember the words, just the venom behind them.
So the rest of the pictures were gotten. The camera bit the dust – um, more like ate the sand as I dropped it. The profession photographer, who by the way was so adorable, (I would have liked to take him home with me, fed him, and called him my own.) graciously lent me his “blower” to blow the sand off my camera and innocently asked, “Why do you think the camera fell off the strap?” To which I dryly replied, “I obviously put it on wrong.” Yeah, good engineer that I am – no need to read the directions! But the camera was fixed and I rushed everyone around and got as many of the pictures my little sis wanted. And, hopefully, I didn’t disappoint her.
Later, BFE asks me, “What is up between you and your older sister?” And, I have no answer to give, other than, “she hates me and I don’t know why. She has for years. Every time I try not to step on her toes, I seem to piss her off. I think she likes hating me.”
So yeah, I’m sorry I swore and uttered the hurtful words I did. I will not try to rationalize it with I was stressed, my intentions weren’t hurtful, etc. While it is true, there is no excuse for not being the best you can be. I know this in my head and heart. I didn’t mean to be hurtful toward my older sis. I apologized but never heard anything back. I guess there isn’t much else for me to do.
So, when my little sis asked me to do some photography at her wedding, I was absolutely flattered. She’s traveled with me and seen my work. I was thrilled that she trusted me to do this. And, I was terrified. I never worried about messing up my own stuff, but this was for her. She’s been one of my closest friends since I was five and we “moved in together”. We slept in the same bed during thunder storms, shared secrets, and plotted against mom, dad, our siblings, and just about anyone who ever challenged us. Our relationship has waxed and waned over the years, but dang, we have a history. I couldn’t bear to think of screwing it up for her. So truly, the pressure was on.
I bought a new camera body. I had a great camera and lenses but like me, they were a little outdated. The body was 35mm film and we have entered the digital age. So, I asked one of my favorite friends, who is of the best photographers I know, to help me purchase a new camera. He did (more resolution is better!) and I bought it. So, now I had the technical capabilities to take care of my sis.
I was pretty stressed about it from the moment I got on the cruise ship (boat). There were about 40 people on the boat for the wedding and just so much going on. But, up until the wedding, I kept stressing. I hadn’t spent as much time “fiddling” with the new camera as I should have. I knew this. I just had been so busy that I couldn’t find tine. So this inadequacy haunted me up until the wedding day. But, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it. I went out there telling myself I would do my best. After all, I had a list of pictures she wanted, a game plan and my obsessive/compulsive attention to detail. Oh yeah, and the over bearing sense of responsibility that I am so good at dumping upon myself.
It started off well. I got pictures of friends and family as they disembarked from the boat and waited to be “bussed” to the beach. I got a little nerve wracked waiting for my Boo, the maid of honor, to show up from getting her motor scooter. But we all boarded the bus and headed out. We arrived at the beautiful secluded beach and I started taking pictures. Everyone, everything, every where, click, click, click goes Camera Butt (my little sis so lovingly bestowed this nickname upon me at Yosemite National park). So during the wedding I am clicking away. Trying so hard to get all the pictures I think my little sis would want, so she wouldn’t have to buy the outrageously priced pics from the “professional” photographer that the cruise line gave to her for “free”.
A couple times my older sis was in the way. I didn’t say anything to her because she hates me. I don’t know why. She has for years. I always do something wrong during the short period of time we see each other. I guess I must digress here.
I left home at the age of 18 to go to college. I was glad to leave the horrid home town I grew up in. I learned so much more than engineering in those four years. I was fortunate enough to find a new family, my sorority. I’m not sure why I was so blessed with such a wonderful group of women, but those four years contain a truckload of happy memories. I learned that home is where your heart is and for those four years my heart belonged to that beautiful town in the Adirondacks, that house, and most importantly, that group of women. I learned that everyone is flawed. True love is knowing and accepting each other’s flaws, encouraging each other to grow, all the while knowing that you have someone to turn to. Some people never learn that lesson. Yes, I know, I was truly blessed.
I applied that lesson everywhere I went. I moved around for a bit before settling in this border state of the civil war. But here, I made myself another family of friends from work, church, and neighbors – by loving and allowing myself to be loved and cared for. It made leaving my biological family easier. And, I totally didn’t miss the fights, arguments, pokes, behind the back slurs and sibling rivalry that biological families bring. I missed each person, but was glad that I was 300 miles away, too. I could just remove myself from all of that. So, when my other relatives would say, “I talked to your older sister and she says you two aren’t talking. What’s up?” My usual comment would be, “oh, I didn’t know we weren’t talking. Why did she say we were mad at each other?” Cuz quite frankly, I never had a bone to pick with her and I never understood what I did to her. So the more they told me such things, the less I let the family know what my life was like. And, to this day, I can truly say, my family doesn’t know me. One day a great man told me a story about his relatives or my grandmother’s relatives. The story was of two men that went so many years of being mad at each other that they forgot what their original fight was about. Italians! It was his way of telling me to make peace in my family. I try but being far away, I don’t try that much. I figure I got 4 siblings and three of them really like me. 75% is passing in almost all academic endeavors – right? But, I do take my grandpa’s words to heart and try to not upset the older sister. Digression ended.
While taking pictures at the wedding, I make every attempt to not upset my older sis. I don’t get in front of her; I shoot around her. I will be a professional here. She seems to ignore my presence (as usual) and time and time again, ruins the shots I’m after. I eat crow and tell myself not to worry. I know though that only a few key shots are required for a good wedding album - exchange the rings, vows, wedding party and the kiss. The wonderful, beautiful, ever to be haunt me, “you may kiss the bride” shot. Yeah, so, as I tried to shoot around my older sis, as I tried to not be in her way or anyone else’s, she pops into my “kiss the bride” shot. I shoot again and there she is again and what comes forth from my (Christian - but not at this moment in time!) mouth, but “shit!” Not the quiet utterance you say when you stub your toe at work. But the culmination of days of nervousness, weight of perfection, and moments of frustration of trying to do your best, Shit! So loud, so unable to take it back, or rewind and do the moment over. So utterly embarrassing as my family already has such a damn low opinion of me. So unbelievable because these people only remember the teenager who hated her home, hated her town, and most importantly hated the world - and it is that foul mouth who shows up during the you may kiss my beautiful little sister moment. The wedding I wanted to shoot perfectly. The wedding I wanted to be perfect in every way, shape and form for my little sis. I had to open my mouth and I was mortified. And, all this family - who has never really understood or known me, has their opinion of me reinforced. I am mortified but must continue to shoot because my job is not done.
And then it happens. I am asked why I was so rude as to ruin the wedding. Mind you I am still laden with the responsibility of creating perfection in stills. I am horrified that my mouth betrayed me. And, like the fool I am, I open my mouth to say, “my sister’s big fat head screwed up my picture.” Yup, that’s what came from my mouth, my wonderful Christian mouth (again, not at this moment!). It wasn’t MY picture that was screwed up. It was my little sis’s picture that was screwed up. And, that was where the anger came from. It came from an unselfish (sort of) motive – but it was still anger that flowed from my lips. And, it flowed right into the ears, of, oh yeah, you guessed, my older sister, who hates me and, now, has a reason to hate me evermore. She made sure I knew she heard – I don’t remember the words, just the venom behind them.
So the rest of the pictures were gotten. The camera bit the dust – um, more like ate the sand as I dropped it. The profession photographer, who by the way was so adorable, (I would have liked to take him home with me, fed him, and called him my own.) graciously lent me his “blower” to blow the sand off my camera and innocently asked, “Why do you think the camera fell off the strap?” To which I dryly replied, “I obviously put it on wrong.” Yeah, good engineer that I am – no need to read the directions! But the camera was fixed and I rushed everyone around and got as many of the pictures my little sis wanted. And, hopefully, I didn’t disappoint her.
Later, BFE asks me, “What is up between you and your older sister?” And, I have no answer to give, other than, “she hates me and I don’t know why. She has for years. Every time I try not to step on her toes, I seem to piss her off. I think she likes hating me.”
So yeah, I’m sorry I swore and uttered the hurtful words I did. I will not try to rationalize it with I was stressed, my intentions weren’t hurtful, etc. While it is true, there is no excuse for not being the best you can be. I know this in my head and heart. I didn’t mean to be hurtful toward my older sis. I apologized but never heard anything back. I guess there isn’t much else for me to do.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Cry til the tears won't flow
Sometimes people break our hearts and it is more than we can bear. And then, another person lets you down and another and another. You get to the point where you feel as though your skin is as fragile as a bubble - any little poke or prick may come along and you'll burst, no longer cease to exist.
So you run away, stick your head in the sand and hide from anything that can cause you emotional turmoil. You leave the computer at work, go home, turn off the phone and cry.
Cry for the loss of your best friend.
Cry for the mistakes you are scared she's about to make.
Cry because you think her mama is selfish and doesn't know how to care for her best interest.
Cry because maybe she even knows this but has chosen to ignore it.
Cry for the friends that you don't think are being friends to her and wonder if they can be friends to you.
Cry because you know she's come such a long way and you are afraid she's about to lose all that progress.
Cry because you are terrified to take the steps she has taken.
Cry because people in this world constantly let you down.
Cry over the overwhelming amount of responsibility that always seems to rest on your shoulders - until she came along and bore half.
Cry because she'll be gone and no longer able to share the load.
Cry because no one can tell you that it will be all better, help or is even worth talking to about because they truly can't understand and it's not worth trying to explain.
Cry because you know when you are hurt you are less of a person than you strive to be.
Cry because you know every time you get hurt, you crawl into the shell...the shell you created when you were a teen, the shell you can't seem to slough.
Cry because sometimes living is so much harder than existing.
Cry until you are so freaking dehydrated that the tears won't flow, but you glad cuz you're tired of blowing your nose.
And you sob and lie there and sob.
And tell the rest of the world to go to hell.
And the next day, the air is crisp, the sun is shining and you know you can try to live that day with the newness it deserves.
So you run away, stick your head in the sand and hide from anything that can cause you emotional turmoil. You leave the computer at work, go home, turn off the phone and cry.
Cry for the loss of your best friend.
Cry for the mistakes you are scared she's about to make.
Cry because you think her mama is selfish and doesn't know how to care for her best interest.
Cry because maybe she even knows this but has chosen to ignore it.
Cry for the friends that you don't think are being friends to her and wonder if they can be friends to you.
Cry because you know she's come such a long way and you are afraid she's about to lose all that progress.
Cry because you are terrified to take the steps she has taken.
Cry because people in this world constantly let you down.
Cry over the overwhelming amount of responsibility that always seems to rest on your shoulders - until she came along and bore half.
Cry because she'll be gone and no longer able to share the load.
Cry because no one can tell you that it will be all better, help or is even worth talking to about because they truly can't understand and it's not worth trying to explain.
Cry because you know when you are hurt you are less of a person than you strive to be.
Cry because you know every time you get hurt, you crawl into the shell...the shell you created when you were a teen, the shell you can't seem to slough.
Cry because sometimes living is so much harder than existing.
Cry until you are so freaking dehydrated that the tears won't flow, but you glad cuz you're tired of blowing your nose.
And you sob and lie there and sob.
And tell the rest of the world to go to hell.
And the next day, the air is crisp, the sun is shining and you know you can try to live that day with the newness it deserves.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Today...
Torn up
Feeling confused
No one to turn to
Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t
Things change
From intimate confidents
To mere acquaintances
Never wanting
To believe or trust again
Never understanding why
Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t
Relationships end
The world goes on
Deal with it.
Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t
Feeling confused
No one to turn to
Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t
Things change
From intimate confidents
To mere acquaintances
Never wanting
To believe or trust again
Never understanding why
Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t
Relationships end
The world goes on
Deal with it.
Just wanting to be held
Told it’ll be okay
Knowing it won’t
Friday, August 22, 2008
Of Men and Shoes
I bought new shoes last night! Yippee. Took pictures of the “bonus” pair I bought myself for putting up with shopping. Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your feet – especially when you don’t have a mirror???? (that's what I get for goofing off at work!)I ended up going to see P2 because Boo was feeling all better and so was Mitsi. I brought the devil dog with and she got a nice walk in the park and lots of play time with a 10 year old who adores her. I’m spending a lot of time with P2 thinking he’s 3rd choice and I might be able to let him go. It's like playing your 3rd string players in the first quarter of scrimmage games to see which ones you want to cut loose. But, I’m not getting as sick of him as I thought I would. But maybe it’s because I love being around the kids. Tonight it’s just he and I off to watch a band that he will be playing with soon. So maybe that will help in the decision making. My friend, the Ninja told me today, “you know, you can’t keep all three and will have to make a decision soon.” I was thinking, it’s not like shoe shopping where if I love two of them, I just buy them both. Two men would just mean twice as much cleaning, though. Twice as much sex, though…hmmmm…might be worth it.
C2 wrote this. I think she is very profound! I think life would be easier if we could treat men like shoes. Have as many as we want, only wear them when we want to, have useful ones and pretty ones, give them away when we get tired of them and throw them away when they are worn out.
Yeah, that works for me!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I'm an idiot...
“He lacks passion.” That’s M&Ms assessment of P1. I think he might be right or at least at this moment in time, he’s right. Maybe as P1 gets to know me better , he’ll open up and I’ll see more a of a passionate person. But, I’m not so sure. They say still waters run deep – but the waters remains still right? He does all the right things…polite, considerate and kind – a perfect gentleman. And he is honest. So there is no reason not to continue to investigate the relationship.
“I like his kids better than him.” How bad is that? I’m not really sure the assessment is true or fair. I like kids better than most adults. But P2 does have a way of making everything about him. It makes attempting to answer his questions annoying. I’m toying with giving him an absolutely ludicrous answer just to see if he is actually listening or if the question is just a ploy to talk about himself (as I suspect). But he does seem to care about me. He’s honest, consistent and passionate. He’s definitely passionate.
“He’s way too young.” I know this. But I can’t help myself. Young Man is so refreshing. He is kind, sweet, honest and just all around a great guy. He isn’t jaded in the least. I really wish we were the same age. I’m not sure if I’d appreciate him though if I were that mental and emotional age again. I told him all the lurid details of my past and he still wants to date me. He thinks I’m fabulous – beautiful, interesting, brilliant and sweet. He told me so. I have the good sense to turn him down but not the will.
I know this is a disaster waiting to happen. I KNOW this. But I can’t justify one man over the other. I just can’t. I’m terrified I’ll make the wrong choice. I’ve never done a good job of choosing men in the first place. So instead, I’ll just keep playing with fire and telling myself I’m an idiot.
Everyone who is an idiot, raise their hand!
“I like his kids better than him.” How bad is that? I’m not really sure the assessment is true or fair. I like kids better than most adults. But P2 does have a way of making everything about him. It makes attempting to answer his questions annoying. I’m toying with giving him an absolutely ludicrous answer just to see if he is actually listening or if the question is just a ploy to talk about himself (as I suspect). But he does seem to care about me. He’s honest, consistent and passionate. He’s definitely passionate.
“He’s way too young.” I know this. But I can’t help myself. Young Man is so refreshing. He is kind, sweet, honest and just all around a great guy. He isn’t jaded in the least. I really wish we were the same age. I’m not sure if I’d appreciate him though if I were that mental and emotional age again. I told him all the lurid details of my past and he still wants to date me. He thinks I’m fabulous – beautiful, interesting, brilliant and sweet. He told me so. I have the good sense to turn him down but not the will.
I know this is a disaster waiting to happen. I KNOW this. But I can’t justify one man over the other. I just can’t. I’m terrified I’ll make the wrong choice. I’ve never done a good job of choosing men in the first place. So instead, I’ll just keep playing with fire and telling myself I’m an idiot.
Everyone who is an idiot, raise their hand!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The Problem with Juggling Men
I can’t decide who I like better. Would like to take all the good traits and make one “super guy” (no not super gay – as my roomie and I used to be called!). But, alas, I’m not that good of an engineer. Plus if I were to make one super guy, he’d probably have a super ego or super flaws and where would that leave me but with one super mess. So in the meantime, I’m juggling. I can’t quite say I like it but I’m taking the advice from Mars and Venus Starting Over where the author tells us to date around but not sleep around. The book states you should have one guy on the way in, one on the way out and one current. I’m starting to think the author never tried to live by his own stinking advice because this is not easy and I’m not just talking about the sexual frustration that results from not sleeping around!
Today is Wednesday (yeah you could just look at the post date but I’m making a point here) aka hump day. Not that the nickname bears any relevance on the story other than to emphasis the sexual frustration mentioned previously. Any way on Sunday, Young Man asked me for a date this week. Initially it was set for Tuesday but within a half hour I found a conflict as I needed to take Boo to the airport. So it was then postponed for Wednesday.
Then yesterday (Tuesday) morning, P2 asked me on a date for… yep you guessed it, Wednesday. I declined as I already had plans for dinner. He mentioned maybe coming over and spending time with him and the kids Tuesday evening. In the meantime, Boo gets sick and doesn’t go to the airport. Quite the little sicklette, too, mind you. Barfing all over the place and whining like a baby. Don’t take my flippant attitude toward her sickness as lack of compassion; she gets spoiled during this time. Any way, Tuesday evening with P2 got trumped by the sicklette. So Tuesday evening, P2 asks me for Friday and was awarded the coveted Friday evening spot (not sure who it is coveted by, but it sounds good).
Now somewhere along the line, I gave P1 my work phone number to call, in case he ever wants to make dinner with me (as we often both eat alone and thus nor very healthily). While he told me he’d give me more advance noticed, he decided to exercise that option today at 1 p.m. for , yep you guessed it…tonight – Wednesday. I had to decline. I mentioned Boo’s sickness…as I couldn’t imagine wanting to bring someone into my house and into the presence of the little sicklette. Plus, I already had plans with Young Man and I’d feel bad canceling this late in the game. No other plans were made with P1.
So now here I sit, wondering who the h*ll has ever managed to successfully juggle three men without going absolutely insane. Mind you, I have an electronic calendar backed up by paper (as the stupid computer was a mess this week) to tell me when and where to go with whom…so thank goodness I don’t have to keep that straight. But still, the emotional turmoil I’m going through here is torture. I do like all three guys and hate saying no to them. Maybe that is the problem
Maybe I’m not supposed to like the guys I’m juggling so there isn’t any emotional turmoil to go along with it.
Maybe I’m supposed to be a cold hearted bitch who enjoys disappointing men.
Maybe I need to stop taking advice from self-help books!
Today is Wednesday (yeah you could just look at the post date but I’m making a point here) aka hump day. Not that the nickname bears any relevance on the story other than to emphasis the sexual frustration mentioned previously. Any way on Sunday, Young Man asked me for a date this week. Initially it was set for Tuesday but within a half hour I found a conflict as I needed to take Boo to the airport. So it was then postponed for Wednesday.
Then yesterday (Tuesday) morning, P2 asked me on a date for… yep you guessed it, Wednesday. I declined as I already had plans for dinner. He mentioned maybe coming over and spending time with him and the kids Tuesday evening. In the meantime, Boo gets sick and doesn’t go to the airport. Quite the little sicklette, too, mind you. Barfing all over the place and whining like a baby. Don’t take my flippant attitude toward her sickness as lack of compassion; she gets spoiled during this time. Any way, Tuesday evening with P2 got trumped by the sicklette. So Tuesday evening, P2 asks me for Friday and was awarded the coveted Friday evening spot (not sure who it is coveted by, but it sounds good).
Now somewhere along the line, I gave P1 my work phone number to call, in case he ever wants to make dinner with me (as we often both eat alone and thus nor very healthily). While he told me he’d give me more advance noticed, he decided to exercise that option today at 1 p.m. for , yep you guessed it…tonight – Wednesday. I had to decline. I mentioned Boo’s sickness…as I couldn’t imagine wanting to bring someone into my house and into the presence of the little sicklette. Plus, I already had plans with Young Man and I’d feel bad canceling this late in the game. No other plans were made with P1.
So now here I sit, wondering who the h*ll has ever managed to successfully juggle three men without going absolutely insane. Mind you, I have an electronic calendar backed up by paper (as the stupid computer was a mess this week) to tell me when and where to go with whom…so thank goodness I don’t have to keep that straight. But still, the emotional turmoil I’m going through here is torture. I do like all three guys and hate saying no to them. Maybe that is the problem
Maybe I’m not supposed to like the guys I’m juggling so there isn’t any emotional turmoil to go along with it.
Maybe I’m supposed to be a cold hearted bitch who enjoys disappointing men.
Maybe I need to stop taking advice from self-help books!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
More info about me...
Email questionnaire that I filled out and sent back to BFE. Posted here cuz I like my answers and think they should be kept for posterity.
1. What is your occupation?
Self proclaimed absolute ruler of the free world (ARoFW)
2. What color are your socks right now?
nude with pink toenails...oh those aren't socks, they're my feet.
3. The last thing you ate?
does coffee count?
4. Can you drive a stick shift?
oh yeah baby, I can ride on your stick shift all night long
5. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Magenta!
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
we all know I HATE talking on the phone! Ummmm...think it might have been Hybrid's voicemail...live would be C2.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Not really. I just put up with her cuz she's cute and has an adorable albeit BAD dog.
8. How old are you today?
In Young Man's eyes I'm 26. So I'll go with that.
9. Favorite drink?
Alcoholic... wine, wine, wine...carmenere (aka devil wine)
NonAlcoholic...Is there anything but alcoholic drinks?
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?
anyone in which men are running around half naked showing off their bodies works for me.
11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
I love the 80's - what do you think?
12. Pets?
C2, Boo, Hybrid and a very smelly toy poodle. (didn't' give her the bath last night...ooops!)
13. Favorite Food to eat?
Any, all, everything! Grandma's meatballs.
14. Last movie you watched?
Oh, oh I know this answer! I actually went to the movies last weekend for the first time in months!!! what was the question again? Oh yeah, Mama Mia - fun movie!
15. What do you do to vent anger?
punch the MF who pissed me off.
16. Favorite Day of the year?
My birthday because then I'm not only ARoFW but also Queen!
17. What was your favorite toy as a child?
my little sister.
18. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
Spring
19. Hugs or kisses?
Both. I want both and because I am the ARoFW, I can have both!
20. Cherry or Blueberry?
Another Cherry? (name that movie and get 10 bonus points!)
21. Do you want your friends to email you back?
They don't give a rat's ass what I want. They will either bug me all day long or ignore me at their whim and I'm good with that. All in favor, raise your hand.
22. Who is most likely to respond?
stupid, stupid question
23. Who is least likely to respond?
even stupider.
24. Current living arrangements?
I've got three men I'm juggling, so thank goodness, none are living with me because that would just make juggling that much more difficult!
25. When was the last time you cried?
There's NO crying in baseball. (another 10 bonus points)
26. What is on the floor of your closet?
all my shoes with the door carefully latched closed to keep the smelly beast from eating them!
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?
here come the stupid questions again.
28. The friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to:
stupid
29. Favorite smell?
Sex...not really my favorite smell but it is my favorite thing and well it does have a nice man smell that goes along with it. Plus there isn't a question I've been able to answer sex to yet!
30. What inspires you?
Oooo, ooo, I spoke too soon. Sex!
31. What are you afraid of?
ARoFW has no fears...well except snakes. They just are awful creepy crawlie yucky nasty little buggers.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese! Oh yeah, and bacon. Bacon makes everything better.
33. Favorite car?
One being driven by a very sexy, available man preferably without his shirt on.
34. Favorite dog breed?
The breed is not important. What's important is on the inside.
36. How many years at your current job?
I dunno like f-ing forever. Oh wait, I'm 26 today, so 3 years.
37. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday, obviously!
38. How many states have u lived in?
4 - NY, NJ, PA, MD...wow, I think that's all.
39. How many countries have you been to?
I dunno like 17 or so. I'd have to look it up and I don't feel like it.
40. Today's date and time:
If you don't know and can't figure it out than you are stupider than you look.
1. What is your occupation?
Self proclaimed absolute ruler of the free world (ARoFW)
2. What color are your socks right now?
nude with pink toenails...oh those aren't socks, they're my feet.
3. The last thing you ate?
does coffee count?
4. Can you drive a stick shift?
oh yeah baby, I can ride on your stick shift all night long
5. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Magenta!
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
we all know I HATE talking on the phone! Ummmm...think it might have been Hybrid's voicemail...live would be C2.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Not really. I just put up with her cuz she's cute and has an adorable albeit BAD dog.
8. How old are you today?
In Young Man's eyes I'm 26. So I'll go with that.
9. Favorite drink?
Alcoholic... wine, wine, wine...carmenere (aka devil wine)
NonAlcoholic...Is there anything but alcoholic drinks?
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?
anyone in which men are running around half naked showing off their bodies works for me.
11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
I love the 80's - what do you think?
12. Pets?
C2, Boo, Hybrid and a very smelly toy poodle. (didn't' give her the bath last night...ooops!)
13. Favorite Food to eat?
Any, all, everything! Grandma's meatballs.
14. Last movie you watched?
Oh, oh I know this answer! I actually went to the movies last weekend for the first time in months!!! what was the question again? Oh yeah, Mama Mia - fun movie!
15. What do you do to vent anger?
punch the MF who pissed me off.
16. Favorite Day of the year?
My birthday because then I'm not only ARoFW but also Queen!
17. What was your favorite toy as a child?
my little sister.
18. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
Spring
19. Hugs or kisses?
Both. I want both and because I am the ARoFW, I can have both!
20. Cherry or Blueberry?
Another Cherry? (name that movie and get 10 bonus points!)
21. Do you want your friends to email you back?
They don't give a rat's ass what I want. They will either bug me all day long or ignore me at their whim and I'm good with that. All in favor, raise your hand.
22. Who is most likely to respond?
stupid, stupid question
23. Who is least likely to respond?
even stupider.
24. Current living arrangements?
I've got three men I'm juggling, so thank goodness, none are living with me because that would just make juggling that much more difficult!
25. When was the last time you cried?
There's NO crying in baseball. (another 10 bonus points)
26. What is on the floor of your closet?
all my shoes with the door carefully latched closed to keep the smelly beast from eating them!
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?
here come the stupid questions again.
28. The friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to:
stupid
29. Favorite smell?
Sex...not really my favorite smell but it is my favorite thing and well it does have a nice man smell that goes along with it. Plus there isn't a question I've been able to answer sex to yet!
30. What inspires you?
Oooo, ooo, I spoke too soon. Sex!
31. What are you afraid of?
ARoFW has no fears...well except snakes. They just are awful creepy crawlie yucky nasty little buggers.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese! Oh yeah, and bacon. Bacon makes everything better.
33. Favorite car?
One being driven by a very sexy, available man preferably without his shirt on.
34. Favorite dog breed?
The breed is not important. What's important is on the inside.
36. How many years at your current job?
I dunno like f-ing forever. Oh wait, I'm 26 today, so 3 years.
37. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday, obviously!
38. How many states have u lived in?
4 - NY, NJ, PA, MD...wow, I think that's all.
39. How many countries have you been to?
I dunno like 17 or so. I'd have to look it up and I don't feel like it.
40. Today's date and time:
If you don't know and can't figure it out than you are stupider than you look.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Batting average improves!
Last I wrote, I was batting 400. But 2 weeks ago, the batting average improved! I met Young Man at C2 and my favorite haunts. He was there with a few friends. He asked me if I came down town often and I said, "well, sometimes, I guess." When C2 is around, I do go out there often but without her or the Hybrid, I don't. So, then he asked, "Would you like to go out with me some time?" He was cute, so I said yes. He got excited and asked for my phone number. I thought that maybe he'd call. He did...the next day. I've been meaning to blog and mention that I'm now batting 500, but I've been busy.
Young Man and I had a very nice time at dinner last weekend. After I found out his age (he is so young!), I thought that would be it for us. But he is a persistent fellow who will not be swayed by the difference in age. He wanted to go hiking this weekend, but circumstances prevented it. Instead we've been chatting on the phone. He's awesome. I shouldn't let myself go there, but I really like talking to him. I like our conversations - they're intelligent, fun and just go on forever. I spent 2-1/2 hours on the phone with him... and I HATE talking on the phone! I like the way we communicate. I like his excitement for life - yeah, yeah, of course he's excited, he's too young to be jaded! I like so much about him. I told him I was extremely concerned about the age difference. Anyone who is that much older than someone else who isn't - well they are a fool and an old fool at that. He doesn't think there should be an issue - but the younger person usually won't be the one with reservations. Especially when the older person is as hot as me (ha ha).
Yesterday he ended our phone call with, I'll leave it up to you if you want to see me or not. But then he called back about an hour later and asked me if we could go out to dinner as purely platonic friends. I said yes. He's too cute to resist!
Young Man and I had a very nice time at dinner last weekend. After I found out his age (he is so young!), I thought that would be it for us. But he is a persistent fellow who will not be swayed by the difference in age. He wanted to go hiking this weekend, but circumstances prevented it. Instead we've been chatting on the phone. He's awesome. I shouldn't let myself go there, but I really like talking to him. I like our conversations - they're intelligent, fun and just go on forever. I spent 2-1/2 hours on the phone with him... and I HATE talking on the phone! I like the way we communicate. I like his excitement for life - yeah, yeah, of course he's excited, he's too young to be jaded! I like so much about him. I told him I was extremely concerned about the age difference. Anyone who is that much older than someone else who isn't - well they are a fool and an old fool at that. He doesn't think there should be an issue - but the younger person usually won't be the one with reservations. Especially when the older person is as hot as me (ha ha).
Yesterday he ended our phone call with, I'll leave it up to you if you want to see me or not. But then he called back about an hour later and asked me if we could go out to dinner as purely platonic friends. I said yes. He's too cute to resist!
The Rejection Letter
So, many moons ago, I was a senior in college. During the search for a “real job”, we would inevitably receive “stall” and rejection letters from companies who have determined that their company didn’t have any opportunities that met with our special abilities. As a matter of tradition, the recipients of such letters would post the letters on their bedroom door – giving prizes to the most original letters or phrases, most letters, etc. – providing entertainment to their fellow seniors.
In recent weeks/months, I’ve been “interviewing” men for the coveted position of my boyfriend. While applications haven’t necessarily been flooding in, it’s been fun and busy time for me. For the most part, interest wanes by one party or the other. The texts, calls and emails become fewer and further between, and the relationship dies a slow natural death. But, in some cases, the communication just stops suddenly.
In one particular case, the applicant went away on a summer trip. I sent him a “welcome home” email but heard nothing in reply. While I thought we had hit it off, I didn’t give his dropping off the face of the earth a second thought as I’ve come to expect such fickle behavior from the opposite sex. But strangely enough, I heard back from said applicant about a month later. And, it is for the entertainment of you my friends that I post the following letter. (no, I won’t put such things on my bedroom door!) While it is the nicest I’ve ever been dumped, I have still removed the names to protect the innocent…
Hello Bella,Came back from holidays about 2 weeks ago - I wanted to tell you that i met someone during the holidays and although its long distance, i should give the relationship with her a chance. So i guess its better we don't see each other although i should tell you that i very much enjoyed our evenings together. You're fun, friendly, smart and beautiful - although we barely know each other, we probably would have had a lot of fun discovering each other more. But life is life and nothing's new right? Hope all is well with you and that you either are taking or planning to take great holidays. take good care, Frenchie
In recent weeks/months, I’ve been “interviewing” men for the coveted position of my boyfriend. While applications haven’t necessarily been flooding in, it’s been fun and busy time for me. For the most part, interest wanes by one party or the other. The texts, calls and emails become fewer and further between, and the relationship dies a slow natural death. But, in some cases, the communication just stops suddenly.
In one particular case, the applicant went away on a summer trip. I sent him a “welcome home” email but heard nothing in reply. While I thought we had hit it off, I didn’t give his dropping off the face of the earth a second thought as I’ve come to expect such fickle behavior from the opposite sex. But strangely enough, I heard back from said applicant about a month later. And, it is for the entertainment of you my friends that I post the following letter. (no, I won’t put such things on my bedroom door!) While it is the nicest I’ve ever been dumped, I have still removed the names to protect the innocent…
Hello Bella,Came back from holidays about 2 weeks ago - I wanted to tell you that i met someone during the holidays and although its long distance, i should give the relationship with her a chance. So i guess its better we don't see each other although i should tell you that i very much enjoyed our evenings together. You're fun, friendly, smart and beautiful - although we barely know each other, we probably would have had a lot of fun discovering each other more. But life is life and nothing's new right? Hope all is well with you and that you either are taking or planning to take great holidays. take good care, Frenchie
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tale of two princes
Prince #1: He’s tall, dark and handsome: Dark hair, blue eyes, nice body – almost even sexy. As Hybrid says, “he’s an upstanding guy.” He’s honest, sweet, kind and very reserved - the type of guy that would be a good catch for any girl. He’s introverted but seems to enjoy being around people any way. We have a lot in common. We both like to garden, cook, listen to live music, enjoy wine and beer, hiking, kayaking and checking out nature. We’ve had some lovely times together. He is the type of man that will ground me. Reminds me of lyrics to a song:
To me he was Earth
and I rooted in his soil
I to he was Sky vast and free
of the burdens from which he toiled
Prince #2: Light hair, dark eyes, tall – most women wouldn’t find him sexy…unless of course “guitar players make their clothes fall off”. He’s honest, animated, talkative and really fun to hang out with. I feel like I can be my absolute goofy self around him. I cursed him out, threw a fooz ball at him, sucker punched him in the solar plexus all on the first date AND he still wants to date me. He likes my spunk! He thinks all my activities make me interesting. And, we have the most fabulous chemistry.
So what’s the problem? Well yesterday, I totally thought I couldn’t decide between the two. And, after last nights date with P1 and chatting on the phone with P2, I realized why. Prince #2 is too good to be true. I had told Roomie that I was going to write the blog of the imaginary perfect guy…..
Honest, tall (at least 6’), plays guitar (why do I have such a weakness for musicians??), +/- 5 years of my age, lives local, funny, assertive, compassionate, decent body, not manipulative or prone to depression. I want a guy to appreciate and think I’m a really neat person. And, they need to express that to me. They need to tell me I’m pretty, funny, smart and a fabulous person. And they need to give tome like I give to them. And, he must be a Christian.
P2 fits that description to a tee. But, am I falling into the chemistry trap? I have a habit of falling hard for a guy and missing all his flaws. Thinking he’s fabulous, only to find out (about) a month later that I’ve been fooling myself. I don’t want to make the mistake of running headlong into something with P2 and lose P1. But, that isn’t fair to keep P1 around, just in case. I know that. He’s a good person and doesn’t deserve that type of behavior from anyone. M&M says he’s too quiet for me. I’m not sure I agree with his assessment, but I almost feel he is too good for me. If it weren’t for P2, I wouldn’t stop seeing P1. P1 and I are taking it slow, like I’ve been told I should do. The logic part of me says it is the right thing to do. That’s the side I never listen to when it comes to men and where has it gotten me in the past…no where good, that’s for sure. So that tells me not to be foolish and run into something with P2. Are you confused yet? Good, you're right there with me!
I have to decide soon, though. Because I know dating them both is not good for them or me. If you play with fire, someone gets burned and then you’re nothing but a dumb ass arsonist!
To me he was Earth
and I rooted in his soil
I to he was Sky vast and free
of the burdens from which he toiled
Prince #2: Light hair, dark eyes, tall – most women wouldn’t find him sexy…unless of course “guitar players make their clothes fall off”. He’s honest, animated, talkative and really fun to hang out with. I feel like I can be my absolute goofy self around him. I cursed him out, threw a fooz ball at him, sucker punched him in the solar plexus all on the first date AND he still wants to date me. He likes my spunk! He thinks all my activities make me interesting. And, we have the most fabulous chemistry.
So what’s the problem? Well yesterday, I totally thought I couldn’t decide between the two. And, after last nights date with P1 and chatting on the phone with P2, I realized why. Prince #2 is too good to be true. I had told Roomie that I was going to write the blog of the imaginary perfect guy…..
Honest, tall (at least 6’), plays guitar (why do I have such a weakness for musicians??), +/- 5 years of my age, lives local, funny, assertive, compassionate, decent body, not manipulative or prone to depression. I want a guy to appreciate and think I’m a really neat person. And, they need to express that to me. They need to tell me I’m pretty, funny, smart and a fabulous person. And they need to give tome like I give to them. And, he must be a Christian.
P2 fits that description to a tee. But, am I falling into the chemistry trap? I have a habit of falling hard for a guy and missing all his flaws. Thinking he’s fabulous, only to find out (about) a month later that I’ve been fooling myself. I don’t want to make the mistake of running headlong into something with P2 and lose P1. But, that isn’t fair to keep P1 around, just in case. I know that. He’s a good person and doesn’t deserve that type of behavior from anyone. M&M says he’s too quiet for me. I’m not sure I agree with his assessment, but I almost feel he is too good for me. If it weren’t for P2, I wouldn’t stop seeing P1. P1 and I are taking it slow, like I’ve been told I should do. The logic part of me says it is the right thing to do. That’s the side I never listen to when it comes to men and where has it gotten me in the past…no where good, that’s for sure. So that tells me not to be foolish and run into something with P2. Are you confused yet? Good, you're right there with me!
I have to decide soon, though. Because I know dating them both is not good for them or me. If you play with fire, someone gets burned and then you’re nothing but a dumb ass arsonist!
A sweet melody
So I picked up the guitar for the first time in months last night. Hybrid played it the other day and made me want to try again. It was interesting feeling. The last time I picked it up, I was trying like crazy to learn to play some songs for church. I really wanted to replace the Michael guitar memories with something good and pure. It didn’t work. My heart wasn’t quite there – not the Jesus part, as I have quite the heart for Jesus. But it was the Jesus-music combination. So, eventually the playing dwindled off and the calluses faded. But last night was different. I played and my heart was there. I almost had 4 songs back. Not completely but within a half hour, I was remembering them without having to continuously look at the music. It felt right!
I’m thinking my emotional healing is a little slow. It was almost exactly two years ago that I gave up on my marriage. Yeah, we had been divorced for six months by then, but he was still giving me the impression that he thought he had made a mistake and was rethinking being such a scum bag. But, the final blow was made the beginning of August and I knew it was over. They say it takes a year for your heart to heal. And maybe that is what happened in the first year. And, after my heart healed, I think I needed to find myself again. Find the things that set my soul on fire. And, I have. This summer I realized I was finally content with my life. I liked hanging with my friends – even the ones who do the last minute blow offs! I love being involved in church and trying my hand at creating for worship. I really want to do that more (even if it isn’t the music portion!). I like going to shows and festival with my friends. I like the amount of physical activity that I’ve managed to incorporate in my life.
I went to bed with a happy spirit last night. Thinking I had gotten yet another part of me back. A part I had thought was gone for good. But, the dream I had last night, that gives me great solace. Maybe playing the guitar triggered it. Long story short, in the dream I realized that I was okay with Michael being gone. I was really okay with it. Sad, that something so good turned out to be so wrong; embarrassed that I had missed the signs that he was sneaking around. But, I’m definitely good with him being gone. Actually, while I said in the past I should be relieved that he left when he did – instead of later in life when something serious would have come along. I am actually relieved! And, I'm glad his negativity has been removed from my life. The dream with all its symbolism revealed to me why I could really play the guitar again.
Oh, and maybe the fact that I met a prince the other day. But that is a whole other story.
I’m thinking my emotional healing is a little slow. It was almost exactly two years ago that I gave up on my marriage. Yeah, we had been divorced for six months by then, but he was still giving me the impression that he thought he had made a mistake and was rethinking being such a scum bag. But, the final blow was made the beginning of August and I knew it was over. They say it takes a year for your heart to heal. And maybe that is what happened in the first year. And, after my heart healed, I think I needed to find myself again. Find the things that set my soul on fire. And, I have. This summer I realized I was finally content with my life. I liked hanging with my friends – even the ones who do the last minute blow offs! I love being involved in church and trying my hand at creating for worship. I really want to do that more (even if it isn’t the music portion!). I like going to shows and festival with my friends. I like the amount of physical activity that I’ve managed to incorporate in my life.
I went to bed with a happy spirit last night. Thinking I had gotten yet another part of me back. A part I had thought was gone for good. But, the dream I had last night, that gives me great solace. Maybe playing the guitar triggered it. Long story short, in the dream I realized that I was okay with Michael being gone. I was really okay with it. Sad, that something so good turned out to be so wrong; embarrassed that I had missed the signs that he was sneaking around. But, I’m definitely good with him being gone. Actually, while I said in the past I should be relieved that he left when he did – instead of later in life when something serious would have come along. I am actually relieved! And, I'm glad his negativity has been removed from my life. The dream with all its symbolism revealed to me why I could really play the guitar again.
Oh, and maybe the fact that I met a prince the other day. But that is a whole other story.
Monday, August 11, 2008
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