My mom is in the hospital. It's been very rough for me. I love her dearly and want what's best for her. I know as of late, her life isn't all that great. She has emphysema and is blind. Getting around gets harder and harder for her each day. I just want her to be comfortable and happy...neither of which I think she can achieve. It's heartbreaking for me. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for her.
I also am embarrassed to say, I wish I could have uttered some words to her the last time I saw her. She asked me to pray for her. I did so but silently. I've never been good at praying out loud. So, on Monday night, I laid hands on her and prayed. I prayed for healing and if that wasn't to come at least for her comfort and peace. I prayed for able bodied and compassionate care givers. From now on, I will always pray for compassionate care givers for anyone in the hospital because I now know how important that is. Lastly, I prayed for her soul. I wanted to do it out loud, but I couldn't. I wish I could, but I couldn't.
The next morning, before I left to travel back home, I prayed again. This time I told her I was praying for her. She said she knew I had prayed for her last night, too. I should have taken that time and asked if she believed in Christ and would claim him as her Savior. I couldn't though. I am not a strong enough Christian and feel like I have failed in not doing so. I believe that God knows our hearts and if Mom is asking for prayers, it must mean she believes. But, I didn't ask and for that, I am ashamed. I feel like I let everyone down...Mom, my Christian friends, me, God. I do wish I could have done it. Perhaps I'll get a second chance. Perhaps not. I hope my fear and lack of faith can be forgiven.
I just wish I could have done it differently.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Never give up?
Do you remember that back in August I wrote a letter to PB? If not read here.
Well this past weekend I get the following email from him:
How was your Christmas Cheryl? Have you been well?
What in the world? I don't even know how to respond. I laughed when I saw the email. Really? You expect me to respond?
Boys Are Retarded!
Well this past weekend I get the following email from him:
How was your Christmas Cheryl? Have you been well?
What in the world? I don't even know how to respond. I laughed when I saw the email. Really? You expect me to respond?
Boys Are Retarded!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Infatuation
I'm absolutely infatuated. It started several weeks ago. Met him at a party and he started to email me. We had a lot in common. The friendship was fun and there was a bit of flirtation. The interesting part was I felt like I could be my total goofy self with him. Not sure how or why, but it just was. We would send fun flirty emails back and forth. He played soccer and bragged about how this old guy could kick the young buck's butts. I dubbed him Young Buck Butt Kicker (YBBK).
The emails continued. We saw each other out with a group of friends a couple of times. We were attending the same Christmas party (not as a couple) and a few days before, he sent an email asking for fashion advice. I consulted the fashion diva and her gay sidekick. Her advice was spot on (as it always is) and I passed it along. Then, when he was shopping, he sent some texts asking me to help choose the outfit. I was flattered. The party was fun. I kissed him. Yes, I kissed him and I think that shocked him.
We've been seeing each other since. We went to another party this past weekend. We went together. He said I could tell our mutal friends we were dating. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else...me neither.
I am head over heals for him. He is funny, smart, sweet, from a big christian family, and willing to communicate. Physically, he is not my body type. All my friends say so. I think he is adorable, though. He has an excellent wit and listens to what I say when I speak. He makes me laugh and laughs at my jokes. Yet, he can be so gentle and understanding. I think he really likes me too.
I love it! I think I am in for a wild ride and I'm so ready for it.
The emails continued. We saw each other out with a group of friends a couple of times. We were attending the same Christmas party (not as a couple) and a few days before, he sent an email asking for fashion advice. I consulted the fashion diva and her gay sidekick. Her advice was spot on (as it always is) and I passed it along. Then, when he was shopping, he sent some texts asking me to help choose the outfit. I was flattered. The party was fun. I kissed him. Yes, I kissed him and I think that shocked him.
We've been seeing each other since. We went to another party this past weekend. We went together. He said I could tell our mutal friends we were dating. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else...me neither.
I am head over heals for him. He is funny, smart, sweet, from a big christian family, and willing to communicate. Physically, he is not my body type. All my friends say so. I think he is adorable, though. He has an excellent wit and listens to what I say when I speak. He makes me laugh and laughs at my jokes. Yet, he can be so gentle and understanding. I think he really likes me too.
I love it! I think I am in for a wild ride and I'm so ready for it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
the end
So things did fall apart with PG. I caught him being less than truthful with me. And everything fell apart from there. He tried to pursue me a bit after that, but all was lost. I'm surprised at how easy it is for me to set someone loose after they lie to me. But, it does make sense.
It all went down last week. Today he sent me a text. It read, " I woke up this morning thinking about you. I hit myself with a 10" frying pan in an attempt to go back to sleep." Then a few minutes later, "I should have used a 12" pan."
I decided not to be cruel and write, "next time swing harder and lower." Instead, I wrote, "I've never been the cause of someone hitting themself with a frying pan. I have, however, wanted to smack a few people out there with one."
He wrote back, "those are the people I was thinking of when I swung the pan. But my heart hurts more than my head. You understand that."
I chose not to reply. I think that's for the best.
It all went down last week. Today he sent me a text. It read, " I woke up this morning thinking about you. I hit myself with a 10" frying pan in an attempt to go back to sleep." Then a few minutes later, "I should have used a 12" pan."
I decided not to be cruel and write, "next time swing harder and lower." Instead, I wrote, "I've never been the cause of someone hitting themself with a frying pan. I have, however, wanted to smack a few people out there with one."
He wrote back, "those are the people I was thinking of when I swung the pan. But my heart hurts more than my head. You understand that."
I chose not to reply. I think that's for the best.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sad but True
I hate to admit it but I think it is already falling apart with PG. He is starting to annoy me. It's little things too...which make me think there is something seriously wrong with me. I feel like Seinfeld...wasn't that his MO...I didn't watch the show. But, if I recall one of the five episodes I did see, they remarked on how he could pick the littlest thing out about a woman to make him drop her. That's how I fell. So what is it that is bugging me...
He seems clueless often. Either his is passive agreesive or just forgets things. He doesn't listen (which could contribute to points 1 and 2).
Let's start with passive agressive or forgetful. This past weekend I told him I had plans most of the weekend. I actually told him of all the plans. But then on Friday morning, he texts. I mention in my text I am going to Black Friday Turkey day at my gf's place. He then writes, "oh, I didn't realize you were busy." What? I told you this. Okay, so perhaps he forgot. But Saturday is the clencher because I distinctly recall, as I was shopping in the grocery store for cupcake ingredients, I told you that I was going to a party on Saturday. I even said, if you want me to go with you, I will cancel the party but I need to know by Friday (it's rude to ditch friends day of party when you are signed up to bring food!). So then on Saturday, he wants to come up for lunch...he asks at 2 p.m. Okay, still have time to make food and get to party....except he doesn't make it up til 3 p.m. Not too bad because he lives 1/2 hour away. But then...his son isn't hungry so instead, we go shopping. I fucking hate shopping and he knows this! Shopping on Saturday after Black Friday is the 2nd worst day of the year to take me shopping. I don't want to fucking shop! They just needed to stop in and pick something up. About an hour later we leave the store for lunch... 4 p.m. lunch! Now, I do eat lunch late on Saturdays but still. On the way back to my place he asks if I want to hang with him and his son that night. WTF I mean WTF!!!! I told him I was busy. Just get me back home so I can cook and get to the party at a reasonable time! So seriously, he forgot my plans on both Friday and Saturday or he just plain didn't care and tried to sabbotage them.
Then, last night, I was talking to him. I tell him I was on the way back from the movies. I tell him the name of the movie (Tangled!- love kid's movies) and a quick synopsis..to which he quickly replies..."oh yeah." Which to me means, "I know what movie you are talking about." Then later in the conversation, he asks, "how was the movie." I tell him good, if you like disney princess movies. He asks, "what movie did you go see?" I repeat what I told him earlier and he says, "Oh, I never heard of it." Again, WTF! The same conversation we were talking about my friend buying a real tree. But, they wanted a fake one but all fake ones were pre-lit. Since I wanted a new pre-lit tree, they said I should give them mine. I told him how it was old and I wasn't sure they'd want it. He mentions how he'd want a pre-lit tree if he were to get a fake one. Then he asks me if my tree is pre-lit. SERIOUSLY? What the F are you doing when I speak. It's not like we are in person and you are staring at my ample bossom fantasizing about me. (hee hee, I said ample bossom). I was just out and out annoyed with him by that time and wanted to hang up the phone. He asked me a question about later in the week and I said, "I don't know." Not because I didn't know but because what was the fucking point in speaking if he wasn't going to listen. It's bad enough I hate the phone. I really hate talking on the phone (except with BFE and BFF because I have no other choice and I love them to death and hate to loose contact with them!)...so if I am going to deal with the Fing phone, LISTEN to me. Okay?
So, point one was the cluelessness. And, i think that is something I could deal with if all the other things were bugging me.
I mean seriously...taking me shopping and then while we are in the store saying, "oh, here I am taking you shopping and you don't like it." So not cool!
Forgetting my plans and/or trying to sabbotage them. So not cool!
Not listening to me. So not cool!
Am I really being picky or are these reasons for dismissal?
He seems clueless often. Either his is passive agreesive or just forgets things. He doesn't listen (which could contribute to points 1 and 2).
Let's start with passive agressive or forgetful. This past weekend I told him I had plans most of the weekend. I actually told him of all the plans. But then on Friday morning, he texts. I mention in my text I am going to Black Friday Turkey day at my gf's place. He then writes, "oh, I didn't realize you were busy." What? I told you this. Okay, so perhaps he forgot. But Saturday is the clencher because I distinctly recall, as I was shopping in the grocery store for cupcake ingredients, I told you that I was going to a party on Saturday. I even said, if you want me to go with you, I will cancel the party but I need to know by Friday (it's rude to ditch friends day of party when you are signed up to bring food!). So then on Saturday, he wants to come up for lunch...he asks at 2 p.m. Okay, still have time to make food and get to party....except he doesn't make it up til 3 p.m. Not too bad because he lives 1/2 hour away. But then...his son isn't hungry so instead, we go shopping. I fucking hate shopping and he knows this! Shopping on Saturday after Black Friday is the 2nd worst day of the year to take me shopping. I don't want to fucking shop! They just needed to stop in and pick something up. About an hour later we leave the store for lunch... 4 p.m. lunch! Now, I do eat lunch late on Saturdays but still. On the way back to my place he asks if I want to hang with him and his son that night. WTF I mean WTF!!!! I told him I was busy. Just get me back home so I can cook and get to the party at a reasonable time! So seriously, he forgot my plans on both Friday and Saturday or he just plain didn't care and tried to sabbotage them.
Then, last night, I was talking to him. I tell him I was on the way back from the movies. I tell him the name of the movie (Tangled!- love kid's movies) and a quick synopsis..to which he quickly replies..."oh yeah." Which to me means, "I know what movie you are talking about." Then later in the conversation, he asks, "how was the movie." I tell him good, if you like disney princess movies. He asks, "what movie did you go see?" I repeat what I told him earlier and he says, "Oh, I never heard of it." Again, WTF! The same conversation we were talking about my friend buying a real tree. But, they wanted a fake one but all fake ones were pre-lit. Since I wanted a new pre-lit tree, they said I should give them mine. I told him how it was old and I wasn't sure they'd want it. He mentions how he'd want a pre-lit tree if he were to get a fake one. Then he asks me if my tree is pre-lit. SERIOUSLY? What the F are you doing when I speak. It's not like we are in person and you are staring at my ample bossom fantasizing about me. (hee hee, I said ample bossom). I was just out and out annoyed with him by that time and wanted to hang up the phone. He asked me a question about later in the week and I said, "I don't know." Not because I didn't know but because what was the fucking point in speaking if he wasn't going to listen. It's bad enough I hate the phone. I really hate talking on the phone (except with BFE and BFF because I have no other choice and I love them to death and hate to loose contact with them!)...so if I am going to deal with the Fing phone, LISTEN to me. Okay?
So, point one was the cluelessness. And, i think that is something I could deal with if all the other things were bugging me.
I mean seriously...taking me shopping and then while we are in the store saying, "oh, here I am taking you shopping and you don't like it." So not cool!
Forgetting my plans and/or trying to sabbotage them. So not cool!
Not listening to me. So not cool!
Am I really being picky or are these reasons for dismissal?
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