Perhaps I need to take a step back and explain. You see I don’t really have closure with PJ. He’s been impossible for the last few months. And I feel this installment needs to be written to tell you how we got here.
After his visit this summer, I was trying to plan some time together. I suggested Labor Day weekend and he mentioned he was busy the weekend after that and then 2 weekends later. I felt stupid for asking and told him so. He said we had just seen each other and he had so much else to do, but I shouldn’t feel bad. So, it all got me thinking. And this is a synopsis what I wrote to him:
I don't want a promise for tomorrow
For tomorrow may never come.
I don't need a lifetime commitment
For they rarely last.
All I want from you the here and now
And for now, to hear you.
You say you can do a relationship with someone who lives across town. How about you try one with someone who lives in another state first?
Figure out in your head exactly what you want. I need you to define that for me. As much as you need time alone, I need definition. The definition can change as many times as you like, as you figure it out, but I need some sort of definition. And, let me know if I'm bugging you. If you need more time to yourself or just can't think about something right now. Please just put it out there. I need you to trust me. To tell me what is going on in your brain, even if it is a confused mess. I just want you to share yourself with me. I figure that will be the most difficult request I have. And, I want sex. You know, if I'm throwing my demands out there. I want you to have sex with me. To let yourself go emotionally and physically. I don't want you to worry about leading me on. I'm pretty sure I understand exactly where you are coming from. I don't care about where this goes. I just want to be with you now. It will be years before the celestial bodies align and we end up even anywhere near a point where we'd even be considering living in the same city. So, why worry about that now?
A great deal said... in most a disjointed way. I figure you'll need time to process. But please answer. I know...I didn't ask any questions. :) Just give me a definition of what you want. Yes, you've told me before and I think I understand. But, please tell me again.
Two weeks later I had no reply. So I wrote:
It's been about two weeks and I've heard nothing from you - not even correcting my grammar and omissions in the last note.
I wanted to give you some time and space and I think I've done that. Perhaps you need more. But would really like to know where your head is at. If nothing else, tell me you want two more weeks to think. Because the only two conclusions I have drawn from your silence are I'm not important enough to you to think about or you just don't know how to tell me you just want me to leave you alone.
Still there was no reply, so I texted him. It pretty much went no where with him initially telling me he didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to say. I said he should have said that, it would have been better than nothing at all. And, he insisted that he didn’t think I really wanted that type of reply. REALLY? Can you fucking read? Okay so I didn’t write that but damn his passive aggressive behavior can be utterly annoying. So I asked him if I was important to him and he insisted I was. But he didn't know much else. That I needed to stop trying to analyze it out of him. Insisted he loved me but he had to do things sequentially…find a new job, move, etc. Then he said he had to go because he was tired. I gave him the all time feminine FINE and let it go. Then Sept. 6, I sent him this….
So what I've learned is you can only meet people where they are...obviously literarily but also figuratively and emotionally. Its part of the reason I've been pushing you so hard. I want to know where you are so I know what to expect. Also, so I can meet you there. So yes, I've tried to analyze it out of you. But I believe you need analysis...or at least to examine yourself and figure stuff out. I don't believe you can do it on your own, either. I know I can't and I think I'm not only brilliant (well, you know, learn things quickly) but also high emotional IQ. I try to examine and understand my feelings. But when you're all twisted inside, you need to hear your own voice say stuff and bounce it off people until it finally comes to rest in your ears in a way that causes your whole body to jump and say, "that's it!" I just don't think it is possible on your own. But, you've decided that is the way you will handle it. And, so you can't tell me what's important to you because you don't know because you don't know how/want to figure it out. Que cera, cera.
So that leaves only for me to tell you where my heart and head are. You know I love you. I always have. Part of me believes that is why my other relationships never quite worked out. Even through those years when I didn't "know" you, you were still my ideal. Not necessarily you per say, but you. I think you understand what I am getting at here. Is there another person out there that embodies all that you are, that could "replace" you in my heart...I don't know. I doubt it, but that seems somewhat naive for me to believe that. But I do know that I adore everything about you. It's weird...there are things that you do, that if other people did them, they would grate on my every last nerve. But with you, they just are part of you and therefore a non-issue. I really don't know how to explain it in any sort of logical way. Quite possibly because it's illogical. So yes, I know I love you and I don't believe that will ever change. That's my heart.
My head is quite a different story. You see, normally, I just let my head follow my heart. I like living like that. But in this case, I can't. Because you won't let me!! It drives me crazy thinking you are just letting time go by, missing out on grabbing what you can because you don't want to. But I know I can't do anything about it. I feel I can see so clearly what is going on in you - that you denied your feelings for so long, you wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the shins. You probably would fail to say "ouch". This drives me bananas. Not because of my own personal desires but because I love you and want everything for you. It just hurts to see you stuck. Just like with the girls, I want to remove obstacles and help you on your way, even if it means away from me. But I can't. I hate acknowledging this but I can't do anything to help you. And, I have to figure out how to accept that and accept that I don't even know how to meet you where you are. Because I don't know where you are. So my head says that the love in my heart is futile. It doesn't matter and there isn't anything to do.
So, this one time, I'll let my head lead my heart. It wins. You win. You don't want to answer me because you don't know what to say because you don't know how to find your heart. Maybe one day you will. Maybe you'll never feel the need to. But my head says there isn't enough love in my heart to help you find yours. So I won't pester you about it. You have no obligation to figure out what you want from me or to define it for me as I had previously requested. This is one of those cases that if you procrastinate enough, it goes away.
je t'aime.
Moi
And, that is where I left it. And, that is where it stays…over three weeks later no reply…not that I requested one this time. It is the only closure I have and probably the only I’ll get.
It tears my heart out and maybe it makes you realize how/why I’m trying to move on. I feel like I’ll find someone whom I can care for, who will care for me. There may never be that crazy love I had for PJ, but there will never be the crazy either. I’m sure at some point he’ll resurface in my life. But because he was careless with my heart and too scared to trust my love, my bet is at that time, it will be too late for me to want to risk giving my heart to him again. And, he won’t be man enough to fight for it. Even though I fought with all that I had for his love.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
West Lake Love Story
There are so many things I love about China and the Chinese people. Here is an example.
I was IMing my coworker and friend from China the other day. We were talking about where he grew up. I looked at the area on the map and asked about the many lakes in the area. He told me that East lake is a beautiful recreation area. Then he asked if I had ever been to West Lake in the Hangzhou region. He told me there is a beautiful love story for West Lake. That it is very old and even a TV program about it too. He looked for a website with an English translation of the story, but it read like gibberish. I was going to try and piece it all together to figure it out. But after he read the translation, he said he can’t even figure out the story from what he wrote and he knows the story! So he took the time to re-write the story for me (during his free time, mind you). Here it is. You’ll have to forgive the grammar and any possible translation errors, as English is not his primary language. But, it is certainly better than the first translation that was on the Chinese website.
The legend takes place in the fields such as Hangzhou , Suzhou and Zhen Jiang City during the period of the Song dynasty. It's about a snake who was saved by a small boy. The Snake spirit changes to a pretty women, named Bai Suzhen, to come to the real world, and pay back her benefactor, who already reincarnated a few generations and become a young handsome fellow, his name is Xu Xian. Bai Suzhen has a servant girl, who is also a snake spirit, but has less theurgy (Cheryl’s note – perhaps energy or powers) than Bai Suzhen. She is very loyal to Bai but she is a little aggressive and easily to lose temper.
Xu Xian is very gentle and kind-hearted, and love to help people. Bai Suzhen is very nice too, but with more social experiences than Xu Xian. She originally just want to thanks XuXian with award him whatever he wants, since she is able to. But she found she fall in love with him.
People around sing high praise for XuXian and Bai kindness and some jealous to them. During these time, Bai Suzhen uses her theurgy skills and help Xu Xian to overcome difficulties, to realize his ambitions to help others. But these things some time damages the rich people's benefits, so they will set them up and have the senior monk to arrest Bai and her servant.
The master monk, named Fahai, has super skill as well. He can recognize Bai is snake spirit. Before that, nobody knows Bai is a snake spirit, only Fa Hai knows. During the battle between Bai and rich, also some other fairs that Bai is too eager to help Xu Xian, she made some mistake. That's when Fa hai, the master monk, start to look for Bai, and try to arrest her, but he can't do this in front of normal people, since these action will scare people. When Fa Hai found Bai and Xuxian, (they married already), Bai is pregnant with Xu Xian's baby. Fa Hai can't arrest Bai in this condition, at same time, the baby is a star in the heaven who reborn in real life. He dare not to hurt him, since he knew the baby is a supernatural being and protected.
Fa Hai started to explain the whole story to Xuxian. Why Bai came to real world, why his life changes after she come out, why so many strange things happen. By doing this, Fahai can convince Xuxian that Bai is spirit, then Xu Xian will leave her away and live in a temple to atone for her mistake.
Bai loves Xu Xian so much, so does Xuxian to Bai. Xuxian knows she is a spirit, he asks Fa Hai to leave her along, and he can be punished for her. So Fahai took Xuxian away and make him believe only stay in the temple "Leifeng" (also Yu Lei Feng) tower, then he can save Bai. But Bai knows this is a trap, all Fahai want is to use Xuxian as a bait, so Bai will come to save Xuxian, then she will fight with Fahai, make her make mistake again in front of "leifeng" tower, since this is a holy place, nobody can escape punishment if make mistake. Leifeng tower is beside West Lake.
After Bai borned the baby, she wento Leifeng and fight with Fahai. She initiates floodwater and flush the places which is a big disaster, but she has to do this to save Xuxian. Then Fahai arrest Bai and left Xuxian go. Now Xu Xian understand that he was set up by Fahai. Fahai says the only way to save Bai is the tower collaps and west lake empty of water, which both are impossible.
18years later, the baby grew up, and he got the number 1 score in the governor officers examination, so he got a high rank, which is just a little lower than the king. The son still has the ambitions to save his mother. He asked for a leave, then come the west lake. Dig the lake days and days, just want to make the lake out of water. His actions and the whole story moved the king in heaven, the king sent an officer to have Fahai leave Bai away, so Xu xian's family meet together again. The End.
Despite the difficult read and the questions that go unanswered when reading the story…like what part does the servant girl play? You can get the gist of this story. I think it is wonderful that the Chinese have such a rich folklore tradition that is still alive today. Like all cultures their folklore is beautiful… Kindness is rewarded. Love is more powerful than hate. Family ties hold people together. And in the end, despite the suffering, good triumphs over evil.
I was IMing my coworker and friend from China the other day. We were talking about where he grew up. I looked at the area on the map and asked about the many lakes in the area. He told me that East lake is a beautiful recreation area. Then he asked if I had ever been to West Lake in the Hangzhou region. He told me there is a beautiful love story for West Lake. That it is very old and even a TV program about it too. He looked for a website with an English translation of the story, but it read like gibberish. I was going to try and piece it all together to figure it out. But after he read the translation, he said he can’t even figure out the story from what he wrote and he knows the story! So he took the time to re-write the story for me (during his free time, mind you). Here it is. You’ll have to forgive the grammar and any possible translation errors, as English is not his primary language. But, it is certainly better than the first translation that was on the Chinese website.
The legend takes place in the fields such as Hangzhou , Suzhou and Zhen Jiang City during the period of the Song dynasty. It's about a snake who was saved by a small boy. The Snake spirit changes to a pretty women, named Bai Suzhen, to come to the real world, and pay back her benefactor, who already reincarnated a few generations and become a young handsome fellow, his name is Xu Xian. Bai Suzhen has a servant girl, who is also a snake spirit, but has less theurgy (Cheryl’s note – perhaps energy or powers) than Bai Suzhen. She is very loyal to Bai but she is a little aggressive and easily to lose temper.
Xu Xian is very gentle and kind-hearted, and love to help people. Bai Suzhen is very nice too, but with more social experiences than Xu Xian. She originally just want to thanks XuXian with award him whatever he wants, since she is able to. But she found she fall in love with him.
People around sing high praise for XuXian and Bai kindness and some jealous to them. During these time, Bai Suzhen uses her theurgy skills and help Xu Xian to overcome difficulties, to realize his ambitions to help others. But these things some time damages the rich people's benefits, so they will set them up and have the senior monk to arrest Bai and her servant.
The master monk, named Fahai, has super skill as well. He can recognize Bai is snake spirit. Before that, nobody knows Bai is a snake spirit, only Fa Hai knows. During the battle between Bai and rich, also some other fairs that Bai is too eager to help Xu Xian, she made some mistake. That's when Fa hai, the master monk, start to look for Bai, and try to arrest her, but he can't do this in front of normal people, since these action will scare people. When Fa Hai found Bai and Xuxian, (they married already), Bai is pregnant with Xu Xian's baby. Fa Hai can't arrest Bai in this condition, at same time, the baby is a star in the heaven who reborn in real life. He dare not to hurt him, since he knew the baby is a supernatural being and protected.
Fa Hai started to explain the whole story to Xuxian. Why Bai came to real world, why his life changes after she come out, why so many strange things happen. By doing this, Fahai can convince Xuxian that Bai is spirit, then Xu Xian will leave her away and live in a temple to atone for her mistake.
Bai loves Xu Xian so much, so does Xuxian to Bai. Xuxian knows she is a spirit, he asks Fa Hai to leave her along, and he can be punished for her. So Fahai took Xuxian away and make him believe only stay in the temple "Leifeng" (also Yu Lei Feng) tower, then he can save Bai. But Bai knows this is a trap, all Fahai want is to use Xuxian as a bait, so Bai will come to save Xuxian, then she will fight with Fahai, make her make mistake again in front of "leifeng" tower, since this is a holy place, nobody can escape punishment if make mistake. Leifeng tower is beside West Lake.
After Bai borned the baby, she wento Leifeng and fight with Fahai. She initiates floodwater and flush the places which is a big disaster, but she has to do this to save Xuxian. Then Fahai arrest Bai and left Xuxian go. Now Xu Xian understand that he was set up by Fahai. Fahai says the only way to save Bai is the tower collaps and west lake empty of water, which both are impossible.
18years later, the baby grew up, and he got the number 1 score in the governor officers examination, so he got a high rank, which is just a little lower than the king. The son still has the ambitions to save his mother. He asked for a leave, then come the west lake. Dig the lake days and days, just want to make the lake out of water. His actions and the whole story moved the king in heaven, the king sent an officer to have Fahai leave Bai away, so Xu xian's family meet together again. The End.
Despite the difficult read and the questions that go unanswered when reading the story…like what part does the servant girl play? You can get the gist of this story. I think it is wonderful that the Chinese have such a rich folklore tradition that is still alive today. Like all cultures their folklore is beautiful… Kindness is rewarded. Love is more powerful than hate. Family ties hold people together. And in the end, despite the suffering, good triumphs over evil.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...
I just can't focus at work today...and it's only Thursday. You see, I met someone. He's smart...I mean smart as a whip smart. Good High School education in a school run by Jesuit priests....really some of the best HS education offered. Then degreed all the way up to his PhD. But not just that, well read and common sense smart. I so dig smart
He can carry on a conversation. You see smart does not always equal good conversationalist. But he is capable of it. I find him so absolutely interesting and the questions he asks interesting as well. I really want to know everything about him.
He is kind and considerate. I hate people who don't consider others - like the servers at the restaurant. He understood my concerns for them and was just as considerate. That means he is like that for all people. His consideration shows me that he is understanding and lacks arrogance. Arrogance is such a turn off!
He seems honest. I just have that feel about him and some of the things he told me. A person who isn't honest wouldn't say that. Dishonesty/hiding stuff is a deal breaker for me - as I find trusting someone to be so very difficult.
He is the same age as I am. This HUGE for me. I want someone +/- 5 years. I don't want someone I'll have to take care of later. Or someone who wants me to mommy them now. I want an equal!
He is cute. His face is cute. His body is nice - not ripped or extremely built. But for a man the same age as I, he is in good shape. He cares for his body. Therefore, I think the physical aspects of a relationship with him would be fabulous.
Then, there are the host of other things that make us compatible...hiking, reading, socializing (a bit), similar life background, etc.
Seriously self, get over all this! Stop thinking! Stop! It's just a fucking date. Okay?! But perhaps, just perhaps....
He can carry on a conversation. You see smart does not always equal good conversationalist. But he is capable of it. I find him so absolutely interesting and the questions he asks interesting as well. I really want to know everything about him.
He is kind and considerate. I hate people who don't consider others - like the servers at the restaurant. He understood my concerns for them and was just as considerate. That means he is like that for all people. His consideration shows me that he is understanding and lacks arrogance. Arrogance is such a turn off!
He seems honest. I just have that feel about him and some of the things he told me. A person who isn't honest wouldn't say that. Dishonesty/hiding stuff is a deal breaker for me - as I find trusting someone to be so very difficult.
He is the same age as I am. This HUGE for me. I want someone +/- 5 years. I don't want someone I'll have to take care of later. Or someone who wants me to mommy them now. I want an equal!
He is cute. His face is cute. His body is nice - not ripped or extremely built. But for a man the same age as I, he is in good shape. He cares for his body. Therefore, I think the physical aspects of a relationship with him would be fabulous.
Then, there are the host of other things that make us compatible...hiking, reading, socializing (a bit), similar life background, etc.
Seriously self, get over all this! Stop thinking! Stop! It's just a fucking date. Okay?! But perhaps, just perhaps....
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
betrayal
I've been betrayed by someone who I thought was a friend. I'm not even sure which person it is. But I have an idea. It sucks because we were friends for so long and I trusted him. First I thought perhaps it was a lie or misunderstanding. But now I know it was a complete and total betrayal. He went behind my back and told someone something I wrote about them. The person he told was not my friend. He had no right to pass that information on. I got in trouble at work for it. My career, has come to a screetching halt.
Funny there are only two offenses that you can do that will cause me to never trust you again.
1. Mess with my kid. You hurt her or put her well being in jeopardy, I will never trust you again. My ex did that. Not physically but emotionally messed her up. He will never be forgiven.
2. Mess with my ability to take care of my child - financially specifically but in general anything thing. Messing with my career, even unintentionally = messing with my financial ability to take care of my child.
He is not forgiven. Maybe at some point in the future but even with forgiveness, there will be no trust ever again. I'm sure he didn't realize that one action would cause him to destroy our friendship, but it did. And, it's sad that it happened.
Funny there are only two offenses that you can do that will cause me to never trust you again.
1. Mess with my kid. You hurt her or put her well being in jeopardy, I will never trust you again. My ex did that. Not physically but emotionally messed her up. He will never be forgiven.
2. Mess with my ability to take care of my child - financially specifically but in general anything thing. Messing with my career, even unintentionally = messing with my financial ability to take care of my child.
He is not forgiven. Maybe at some point in the future but even with forgiveness, there will be no trust ever again. I'm sure he didn't realize that one action would cause him to destroy our friendship, but it did. And, it's sad that it happened.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
protesting
I'm protesting today. I don't feel like working. I'm annoyed with my co-workers as well as my boss. So instead of working, I'm posting pictures of my dinner from last night. At first glance it appears to be french bread pizza but no, it isn't. It's my newest creation. I made zucchini Parmesan. Just think Chicken, Veal (oh not veal though I can't eat veal) or egg plant Parmesan. And, change out the main ingredient to the succulent summer squash. It took about 20 minutes to make and turned out amazingly yummy. I so rock in the kitchen.My only thought as I ate this alone...one of these days I'll find myself a man who adores and fawns over my cooking and hell, my body too! That would be so nice.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Patience is a Virtue
Yeah, and I am so not virtuous! I am the least patient person on the planet....well maybe there are a few poor suckers less patient than I but I'm sure it's less than a handful.
Today I had a follow up with my doctor. I had a biopsy a while back that came back clear. But then today, I had my follow up to that. I waited in my doctor's office til 35 minutes past my appointment time. When finally, I was called into the "get naked" room. And there I sat for another 15 minutes. I was livid as I listened to the pregnant woman and man ask the STUPIDEST questions of the doctor in the room next to me.
Stupid fucking husband, "what about the weight gain?"
Doctor, "the weight gain is normal."
Stupid fucking husband (SFH), "well we need to tell her that. She is worried about it."
WTF??? She is in the room with you....albeit half naked so the doctor can poke and prod and do all the nasty things OB/GYNs do in the naked room. She is pregant aka knocked up by you SFH. I think she is grown up enough to ask her own questions or to hear the doctor's comments. And I saw wifey in the waiting room. She has a huge ass and thighs which are not from being pregnant...but from being large to begin with. So please, wait for your idiotic discussion with the doctor until after your wife is dressed and you are back in the doctor's office. So I don't have to hear it.
Oh did I mention the stupid bitch nurse made me wait to go after said stupid fucking couple, who by the way, came in after me, so she could put them in the "special" room. Not sure what made it special other than there was room for the SFH to be there while the doctor examined them.
So then another round of absolutely ridiculous questions ensues and I get up, get dressed and leave. That's right. I leave before I have my follow up exam. I am so fucking pissed that stupid bitch nurse made me wait til after stupid fucking couple see the doctor and then SFH needs to ask a million questions in the exam room so that now we are approaching one hour past my appointment. so I get dressed, tell the stupid bitch nurse and the really sweet receptionist that I'm leaving. I'm not waiting on the doctor because he is still chatting happily away to other patient (aka pregnant woman and stupid fucking husband) and my appointment was an hour ago. I'm not rescheduling my follow up either. I'm sure I have an annual exam coming up and we can do the test then. I hope the stupid bitch nurse felt like shit. I doubt it. The receptionist seemed upset.... it wasn't her fault stupid bitch nurse went out of order.
But yeah, I didn't feel like waiting any more. Plus I know my test will come back fine. The stupid biopsy was fine in the first place. This was more of a cover my malpractice ass move by my doctor than anything else. But, I still can't get over being annoyed by having my time wasted. Stupid bitch nurse.
Today I had a follow up with my doctor. I had a biopsy a while back that came back clear. But then today, I had my follow up to that. I waited in my doctor's office til 35 minutes past my appointment time. When finally, I was called into the "get naked" room. And there I sat for another 15 minutes. I was livid as I listened to the pregnant woman and man ask the STUPIDEST questions of the doctor in the room next to me.
Stupid fucking husband, "what about the weight gain?"
Doctor, "the weight gain is normal."
Stupid fucking husband (SFH), "well we need to tell her that. She is worried about it."
WTF??? She is in the room with you....albeit half naked so the doctor can poke and prod and do all the nasty things OB/GYNs do in the naked room. She is pregant aka knocked up by you SFH. I think she is grown up enough to ask her own questions or to hear the doctor's comments. And I saw wifey in the waiting room. She has a huge ass and thighs which are not from being pregnant...but from being large to begin with. So please, wait for your idiotic discussion with the doctor until after your wife is dressed and you are back in the doctor's office. So I don't have to hear it.
Oh did I mention the stupid bitch nurse made me wait to go after said stupid fucking couple, who by the way, came in after me, so she could put them in the "special" room. Not sure what made it special other than there was room for the SFH to be there while the doctor examined them.
So then another round of absolutely ridiculous questions ensues and I get up, get dressed and leave. That's right. I leave before I have my follow up exam. I am so fucking pissed that stupid bitch nurse made me wait til after stupid fucking couple see the doctor and then SFH needs to ask a million questions in the exam room so that now we are approaching one hour past my appointment. so I get dressed, tell the stupid bitch nurse and the really sweet receptionist that I'm leaving. I'm not waiting on the doctor because he is still chatting happily away to other patient (aka pregnant woman and stupid fucking husband) and my appointment was an hour ago. I'm not rescheduling my follow up either. I'm sure I have an annual exam coming up and we can do the test then. I hope the stupid bitch nurse felt like shit. I doubt it. The receptionist seemed upset.... it wasn't her fault stupid bitch nurse went out of order.
But yeah, I didn't feel like waiting any more. Plus I know my test will come back fine. The stupid biopsy was fine in the first place. This was more of a cover my malpractice ass move by my doctor than anything else. But, I still can't get over being annoyed by having my time wasted. Stupid bitch nurse.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Nutshell
So here is my “love life” in a nutshell…
Newbie (aka the Spoiler) screwed up on Saturday and stood me up. Worse yet, I had to get up early, load my bike on my car and drive ½ hour to meet the f&*$% idiot. I call after 15 minute grace period and he says he isn’t coming. WTF? He comes up with lame excuse 1 of I called your cell phone and it went straight to voicemail this morning (at 9:12 a.m.). I figured you were ignoring me….hello idiot, I wasn’t even out of bed yet. Then lame excuse number 2 - I sent an email. Well, I checked at 9:30 right before I left and there was none! He says he sent it at 9:40…again WTF? We were meeting at 10 and it takes a half hour to get there. I was furious. So furious I yelled at him for at least 10 minutes for messing up my day. I could have went with my friends to a division 1 college football game. But NOOooooo I turned them down because I was meeting said fuck up who can’t even leave a freaking message. When we hung up, I told him I was too pissed to talk to him. He leaves me a message the next day seeing if I’ll forgive him and possibly give him another chance. Just writing this makes me pissed off all over again. Truth of the matter, he isn’t all that intelligent and kisses lousy. So, I’m not sure he’s worth another date. I’m toying with the idea, but only because I feel sorry for him. I am so pathetic!
Saturday afternoon I made a date for later that evening with the self proclaimed dork. And, people, this guy doesn’t know what the meaning of the word dork is. He isn’t smart enough to be a dork. He is more like ADHD wrapped up in a gum chewing package. He’s cute enough but not all that interesting. He’s only recently separated so no, I need to say next. Funny is he seemed about as interested in me as I was in him, yet he still emailed me later to say it was nice to meet me. Guess he hasn’t figured out you only do that if you want to see the person again. Haha.
The best part of the weekend was my drunken episode with BFF. Actually, the best part was before I fell over drunk. Not sure how it happened. I remember feeling fine one minute and the next she is pulling up at her house, pouring my puddle ass out of the car. I feel soooo bad. I think my food to alcohol ratio was off a bit. More food, less alcohol is my usual recipe. Ooopsie. I really need to talk to her to find out what happened and if I didn’t anything I need to be ashamed of. I certainly hope not. But when I get drunk, I get stupid. Seems like a common problem for people.
So the last day of my weekend, I took off. I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. It’s a good book about learning about balance. I need balance. Of course the bitch gets a Brazilian lover in the end. Bitch! I want a Brazilian lover. Hell, I just want a lover. I need sex.
Which brings me to PJ. Yesterday I pretty much cut him loose. Told him I expect nothing from him and will bother him no more. I wanted to write, “I want sex and since you won’t give it to me, I plan to find someone who will.” I couldn’t be quite that blunt with him. Mostly because he refuses to open up to me, to himself or what the fuck ever. I’m tired of being in my sexual prime and not getting any. I know it sounds pathetic but shit, I’m not getting any younger.
So, I’ll keep trying to find a man whose personality I can tolerate, who thinks I’m fabulous and will spoil my body rotten. Sad part is there are so few men I can tolerate. Where are all the smart men? Really, where are they? Probably so smart they gave up on dating years ago!
Oh well, at least my struggles in this area will give you something to be entertained by. Perhaps the funny captain of my new co-ed volleyball team is single and cute. Highly unlikely…most of those guys are marrieds. But we can always hope, right?
Newbie (aka the Spoiler) screwed up on Saturday and stood me up. Worse yet, I had to get up early, load my bike on my car and drive ½ hour to meet the f&*$% idiot. I call after 15 minute grace period and he says he isn’t coming. WTF? He comes up with lame excuse 1 of I called your cell phone and it went straight to voicemail this morning (at 9:12 a.m.). I figured you were ignoring me….hello idiot, I wasn’t even out of bed yet. Then lame excuse number 2 - I sent an email. Well, I checked at 9:30 right before I left and there was none! He says he sent it at 9:40…again WTF? We were meeting at 10 and it takes a half hour to get there. I was furious. So furious I yelled at him for at least 10 minutes for messing up my day. I could have went with my friends to a division 1 college football game. But NOOooooo I turned them down because I was meeting said fuck up who can’t even leave a freaking message. When we hung up, I told him I was too pissed to talk to him. He leaves me a message the next day seeing if I’ll forgive him and possibly give him another chance. Just writing this makes me pissed off all over again. Truth of the matter, he isn’t all that intelligent and kisses lousy. So, I’m not sure he’s worth another date. I’m toying with the idea, but only because I feel sorry for him. I am so pathetic!
Saturday afternoon I made a date for later that evening with the self proclaimed dork. And, people, this guy doesn’t know what the meaning of the word dork is. He isn’t smart enough to be a dork. He is more like ADHD wrapped up in a gum chewing package. He’s cute enough but not all that interesting. He’s only recently separated so no, I need to say next. Funny is he seemed about as interested in me as I was in him, yet he still emailed me later to say it was nice to meet me. Guess he hasn’t figured out you only do that if you want to see the person again. Haha.
The best part of the weekend was my drunken episode with BFF. Actually, the best part was before I fell over drunk. Not sure how it happened. I remember feeling fine one minute and the next she is pulling up at her house, pouring my puddle ass out of the car. I feel soooo bad. I think my food to alcohol ratio was off a bit. More food, less alcohol is my usual recipe. Ooopsie. I really need to talk to her to find out what happened and if I didn’t anything I need to be ashamed of. I certainly hope not. But when I get drunk, I get stupid. Seems like a common problem for people.
So the last day of my weekend, I took off. I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. It’s a good book about learning about balance. I need balance. Of course the bitch gets a Brazilian lover in the end. Bitch! I want a Brazilian lover. Hell, I just want a lover. I need sex.
Which brings me to PJ. Yesterday I pretty much cut him loose. Told him I expect nothing from him and will bother him no more. I wanted to write, “I want sex and since you won’t give it to me, I plan to find someone who will.” I couldn’t be quite that blunt with him. Mostly because he refuses to open up to me, to himself or what the fuck ever. I’m tired of being in my sexual prime and not getting any. I know it sounds pathetic but shit, I’m not getting any younger.
So, I’ll keep trying to find a man whose personality I can tolerate, who thinks I’m fabulous and will spoil my body rotten. Sad part is there are so few men I can tolerate. Where are all the smart men? Really, where are they? Probably so smart they gave up on dating years ago!
Oh well, at least my struggles in this area will give you something to be entertained by. Perhaps the funny captain of my new co-ed volleyball team is single and cute. Highly unlikely…most of those guys are marrieds. But we can always hope, right?
Monday, September 6, 2010
So You Wanna be my boyfriend
A friend of mine posted this on her blog. I modified it to fit me and Voila here it is!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Same as it's ever been
Work in Progress....
Nothing is bad, nothing is grand,
No scrapes on my shins or a helping hand
No roller coasters or flights of fancy
No hills to climb or freewheeling dancing
Hurricanes have passed, there are no storms
The sky is clear, but the rainbow has gone
I see miles ahead where it’s straight and flat
It should be a comfort, but it’s not that.
Nothing is bad, nothing is grand,
No scrapes on my shins or a helping hand
No roller coasters or flights of fancy
No hills to climb or freewheeling dancing
Hurricanes have passed, there are no storms
The sky is clear, but the rainbow has gone
I see miles ahead where it’s straight and flat
It should be a comfort, but it’s not that.
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