The beauty of snow

I love snow. It reminds me of a time when the world was simple for me. I’d wake up to a land covered in white, where everything was sparkling new and beautiful. And, the only thing on the agenda for the day was to find the best mittens and a spare (before my siblings did), get dressed in my snowmobile suit (think Ralphie’s brother Randy in a Christmas Story) and head out with my favorite toy – my little sister.

We didn’t miss finding the best spot in the snow to plop down and make an angel. It was a challenge to try and keep all the snow surrounding the angel as pristine as possible, getting up and jumping out the impression we made. After this, we usually took our plastic yellow toboggans – the absolute best item for marathon sledding excursions over to Blaisdell’s hill. It was best to get there early before everyone tracked up the place. Lil Sis had a “snow boat” that was good for making a trail. But after, the light toboggans not only gave us the best speed, but made the climb back up the hill faster and easier. We were always careful not to walk up the sledding trail, so as not to spoil the speed we could achieve on the ride down. There was a dip in the hill, where a little “road” went across. With “fast” snow, we’d jump the road, fly onto the second hill and land in the ditch. Sometimes the ditch had more water than others, so it took skill to climb out without getting soaked and needing to return home for another pair of mittens. We would spend hours doing this - until we were cold or hungry or both. When we came in the house, we’d stick our gloves, hats, scarves and boots in the cracks of the radiator to dry the snow and warm up the garments. Mom always had lunch ready for us. Usually it was chicken noodle soup (doctored up Lipton’s from a box), PBJ sandwiches and hot chocolate.

After lunch, we’d get dressed and head out again. By this time, my brother was usually up and about and ready to torment us. He’d join us in the snow and convince us to make snow forts out of the snow piled at the edges of the driveway. We’d make two, one on each side of the drive, by carving out the middle and building the “walls” around the edges. We always made “slots” knowing the forts really were just barricades for the snowball fight that would start without a moments notice. Big Bro would try to enlist one of us for his side. While it was the best for self preservation to be on Big Bro’s side, Lil Sis and I usually didn’t let our alliance falter. Big Bro was the world’s best snowball thrower. He would lob a snowball at you. Then as you tried to catch it, he would throw a fast ball, pelting you before you were able to catch the lob. You’d think we’d be smart enough to catch on to his tricks but somehow, he’d manage to do it. He didn’t just throw snowballs, either. He would suck the moisture out of his perfectly round projectiles, creating ice balls. They didn’t break apart on impact. If he were so lucky as to hit you in the face, they created welts that lasted for at least a day. The snowball war would usually last until Lil Sis or I got hurt. Because even if we tried a coordinated assault, he’d always seem to win.

If it was good packing snow, we’d make a snow man… collecting gravel for the eyes and mouth and stealing a carrot (when mom wasn’t in the kitchen) for the nose. He’s have tree branches for arms and we’d dress him up in our old hat, scarf, mittens and even boots. We wouldn’t usually make it to dinner time, coming in to warm up with more hot chocolate and to play a game, like Payday. Lil Sis and I never really competed when we played. If one of us was running out of cash, we’d loan the other some money (interest free) so we could keep playing. If one of us got a bad roll or card that would bankrupt us, we’d have a “do over”. No one quite understood why one of us didn’t try to “win” but we liked playing our own version better.

After dinner, we’d usually head out to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. They only lived a few blocks away. When the roads were still covered in snow, our faithful companion, High Lord Nyack, the Samoyed, would pull us in the snow boat. Grandma would always have cookies and treats for all of us (Nyack included). We’d tell her of our adventures in the snow and play cards. Grandma always cheated, but we didn’t seem to mind. On the way home, Nyack would pull us up Grandma’s street but then stop, as if an idea just occurred to him. We’d beg and cajole him to keep going, but he’d just stand and look at us. When we’d finally give in and start home on foot, he’d climb onto the snow boat for a ride of his own. We’d look at each other and say, “well, it’s only fair.”

If it wasn’t too late, Mom would let us play for “a little longer, pllllleeeeasse!” outside. We’d eat icicles and any “clean snow” we found. We’d take our sleds down our “little hill” in the back yard. We’d try to avoid the raspberry bushes. Although, much to our mother’s discovery in the spring, this was not always the case. We thought it was great fun when we landed in the creek. We would “skootch” the sled over the edge, if we landed close to it, giggling until we hand gone over the edge and landed mid creek. When mom would yell for us to come in, we’d take “one more quick ride” and run to the house for another dose of hot chocolate. We’d fall asleep exhausted, praying for more snow and schools to be closed the next day.

Now that I’m supposedly grown up, I still love the snow. I pretend I’m making a snow fort when I shovel the drive way. I still plop down and make snow angels and whenever possible, I take a ride down the (very small) hill in my own back yard. It isn’t quite the same without my favorite toy, but it is still as beautiful and wonderful as I remember. And, for those few precious moments, life is simple once more.

The Unrelationship

How do I begin to explain that which even I do not understand? As PJ once told me, you cannot explain feelings because we're talking about feelings, which by definition aren't rational or explainable. And truly, that is what we are dealing with here. A strange mix of feelings between two people who have a wonderful history with each other, but accumulated some heavy baggage over the years.

When he told me he could never live with another person, I thought it meant that he didn’t want me. You see, my baggage is full of abandonment. I have been consistently abandoned by the very few people I have given my heart and trust to. Therefore, I figured it was his polite way of dropping me. I tried to understand what he meant by it. He insisted he didn’t want to lose my friendship, but the only conclusion I could come to is he wanted me out of his life. So, I left.

I tried to eradicate him from my life. I threw away everything that reminded me of him. I got rid of all the pictures I had of him. I deleted his phone numbers. But none of it could make him go away. Every night when I went to bed, all I could think of was him and how none of it made sense to me. Every morning I awoke with the realization that he was gone and with him, all the dreams I had dreamed of our life together. Yes, I had hung my dreams on him…but why?

So, in order to start to detach from the dreams, I had to understand where they had come from. Funny how these things work. While I had thrown away all the pictures, I hadn’t thrown away the file of all his saved text messages. And, as I went through them, I saw it was him, not me, who talked about the years we lost. It was him who couldn’t wait for us to be together…to have “our lives properly joined”. It was him who wanted to spend the next 20 years making up for the last 20. I had never instigated the conversations, only asking for clarification. It took me a few months to begin to buy in to it all. I had properly protected my heart. But, he had successfully managed to break through. I did not make up all that emotion in my head. I did not randomly hang my dreams upon him. And, it was this revelation that made me think.

Maybe he did really still love me and always has... as he indicated even when telling me he couldn’t bring himself to live with another person. So, that means he must have been telling the truth about not living with someone. Which makes no sense to me… why would anyone want to be alone? But just because it doesn’t make sense, doesn’t mean it can’t be true.

So I told him I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk away. I loved him too much and needed to see him, to be with him, even if it was just in a “long distance, never to be reconciled as a relationship” way. Because, even though I employed every trick I knew, I couldn’t stop loving him. And, this time, packing up my feelings and hiding them away wasn’t going to work either. He told me it was an odd way to conduct a relationship. I told him he was odd. He conceded. He told me he thought it would hurt me too much and he didn’t want to do that. I told him I was a big girl and could very well make up my own mind. And, if it ever got too hard for me, I would walk. He changed the subject by asking me if I’d be in town when he was over the Christmas holidays. I could only spend a brief period of time with my family, so yes, I would be.

And, on Christmas morning, when I texted him, “Merry Christmas. I love you.” He texted back “Merry Christmas. I love you, too.” And, for the first time in about a month, I believed it. I don’t understand him and I don’t understand why he has to be so difficult. But, I do believe he loves me. I love him and can’t seem to let go. So, as my BF’s dad tells her, I need to let it play out.

So over the holidays, much to everyone in his family’s bewilderment, we spent time together. I wanted to explain certain things to him mom and daughter E…like why I had sent Christmas presents for Z and his Dad but not everyone else. PJ wasn’t supposed to indicate they were from me. But he is too honest not to tell them otherwise. I felt horrible but thought it would be a breach of his confidence to explain. So I gave E a belated present the second night I stopped by. She seemed pleased but I wish I could have explained what had happened. I know the girls were totally in the dark due to comments Z made. So that made it even harder. His brother slipped by saying he didn’t expect to see me. I wanted to comment the same back but again decided it wasn’t my place. It was odd, but I figure it is his family and he should be allowed to tell him what he chose.

I know these past few days I was his refuge from his family. I know I am his refuge from other people. I don’t understand how he can’t see this and realize that his past failures are not an indicator of future issues. But, he is broken and I believe that only time and the hand of the Holy Spirit can heal his brokenness. But despite the brokenness, I love him. I love his intelligence, his kindness, his honesty, his respect for me and even his airheaded behavior. Like everyone, he has had his own baggage. And, I believe his fear of “ruining my life” comes out of that. I think he needs someone in his life that will stand by him during the brokenness and the odd behavior. And right now, I have the strength to do that.

I am not so naïve as to believe I can fix him or believe that he will change his mind. I do hope he will eventually learn to trust me and form the attachment necessary to allow him to make the move that I need. But, I know it is a long shot. I know that most likely, we will get to a point where I can’t do this any longer and I will have to walk away. But, at that time, I think I will have known that I gave it all I had. That I didn’t betray myself or the one I loved. So, until then, I remain in this “unrelationship” with a man who has loved me, as I him, since the day we met.

dreaming

We were lying in my bed talking. I just wanted to hold him but he seemed a bit distant. He told me he needed to set an alarm and I asked him for how long. He said a half hour. I knew we had more than 4 hours before his flight and I asked him why a half hour. He said because if he got stuck here he'd have to go to his parents' house and sleep in his old bed and he didn't want to sleep there. I asked him why he couldn't just stay with me and he said because he can't give me what I want. I began to pound on his chest. It made a hollow thuding noise. He began to cough. I kept asking him if he was okay and he just kept coughing. I began to cry and tell him how sorry I was. I never wanted to hurt him. I just don't understand him. I begged him to tell me he was okay and all he did was cough.

I woke up... tears streaming down my face and massive heat radiating from my body. Every muscle hurt. I knew the muscle pain was from shoveling snow yesterday and the headache was from dehydration. But the dream really shook me. I don't think I've done anything to PJ to hurt him but I guess there is something buried in my subconscious. All I know is I have been sad all day. I keep remembering how he promised to take the next 20 years to make up for the last twenty. I didn't imagine what we had because he felt it too. But he gave up and I have no idea why. Why would anyone give up on being with the person they have loved their whole life...unless he no longer loves me. It'd be easier (I think) if he'd just say it, instead of making me wonder. I have trouble believing in anything else.

My best friend tells me that she thinks I'd have been content with him but I can be just as content without him. I'm not sure i can get to that point again. I really hate not being able to have someone in my life like that. It's so hard to find someone my age that I am attracted to and can connect on an intellectual and emotional level. It doesn't seem right.

People who aren't single don't get it. They can never get it because they don't know the feeling. They can be annoyed with their significant other and feel alone, but when push comes to shove the SO is there for them when they are sick or going though something awful. Or just to shovel snow with them.

I know I don't want to settle, but i'm getting tired of being alone. I once wrote that if this is what God had planned for my life, then I just wish he'd take me from this world. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And, I don't want to be here any more.

Cold Weather Shelter

It was a cold 25 degrees out this morning. That’s Fahrenheit, not Celsius. If it were Celsius it would be quite balmy and I’d have been far more cheerful. As I was contemplating the cold, I received a phone call from my friend Dave telling me that A, who came in late last night, didn’t have a coat. Luckily (or would more likely, per God’s will) there was the perfect coat waiting for her and she didn’t have go out into the 25 degree cold with only the tee shirt she was wearing last night.

This week my church is hosting a temporary cold weather shelter. It is for people who live in my county (the county being one of the richest in my state and probably country) but don’t have a place to call home. Various churches host it through out the winter and my church hots it for one week each year. And, since we started, I’ve been helping out. It’s quite a humbling experience to be surrounded by people who are in such a different place but really aren’t all that different than myself. This year has not varied in that aspect.

Last night, I had dinner with a young man (27), R. He is friendly, thoughtful and an absolute joy to be around. When he was little, he liked to play cowboys and Indians. He was involved in his church’s youth group and has fond memories of lock ins and camping trips. He is now working at a department store and trying to go to college. He doesn’t have any where to live. If you were to meet him, you wouldn’t believe he could actually be homeless.

The nice thing about last night was our youth group decided to turn the sanctuary into “Pulsio Italiano Café”. As you walked into the sanctuary you saw several tables with nice table clothes and candles on them. There was Italiano music playing in the background. The youth had created menus and dressed up as waiters and waitresses, taking the orders from our guests at the shelter. I thought it was kind of a corny idea (sorry!) when it came up, but still thoughtful. They did a beautiful job of executing the entire evening. I know this because R told me so. He looked at me and told me what a fabulous idea it was. He said, “Here is a guy, who is down on his luck. You just have no idea how long it has been since he had been able to go to a restaurant. It is so nice that it makes me want to cry…but I won’t cuz I’m a man. That’s not a tear in my eye.” Of course (as you may have guessed), I had to choke back the tears myself. Because, as I may whine about, well, everything that I whine about, I know that I personally take going out to eat for granted. I relished everything else about that dinner knowing that it was a very special treat for R. Great job to Pulsio Italiano Café!

Later in the evening, I met up with B. She is a young mom who is going to college. She was studying for her final. Can you imagine trying to raise a two year old, going to college and not having a place to live? I can’t imagine a combination of any two of those, never the less all three. As part of my ministry, I ask the guests of shelter if they have any needs… toiletries, clothing, copies, etc. Stuff that probably everyone takes for granted – until you have to do without. Her requests were minimal and when I asked what kind of socks she wanted, she cheerfully said, “warm ones. I don’t care what color. They are covered up by my pants; they just need to be warm.” Again, I choke back the tears.

And then there was C. She had given me her need list at the same time as B. She needed some pretty basic items…toothbrush, tooth paste, shampoo, hand lotion, etc. We had most of that stuff on hand because it is easy to collect and is always in need. When I hand her those items she needed she says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’d like to add a few more items, if possible. I just realized I have only one change of clothes.” Bother me? Only one change of clothes and she just realized it? Do you know how hard it is to keep a calm and understanding face when someone tells you they just realized they have only one change of clothes? She wasn’t my size or I’d probably be getting myself trouble when I go back tonight because I’d have a bag of my clothes for her.

It’s like this every year. Every year I meet people, who are absolutely amazing. They are cheerful in the face of daunting circumstances. They are kind and caring in a world that isn’t. They are hopeful when all they can cling to is hope for something better. After they leave, I always find myself wondering about them. Things like will R manage to continue to juggle working and college? How will B do on her finals and will she manage to graduate college and get a good job? What will life be like for her little boy? Some times I am lucky enough to find out how their stories turn out. But most of the time, I just have to take comfort in the knowledge that for a short period of time, they were able to teach me what is important in my life.

More Questions than Answers

Do you believe in the Mayan prophecy (world ends in 2012)?
sure and every other doomsday prophecy out there. Why not?

Have you chewed gum after someone else already chewed it?
Ewwwww gross! Seriously gross!

Anything happen to you within the past month that has made you really angry?
Angry, you don't want to see me angry!

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Only a certain someone who broke my heart for the second time.

Bet you're missing someone now?
Nope, I know where I buried all the bodies. I have a map. Can you say blue shed?

Do you get along with girls?
No they are all bitches! Oh wait, that doesn't include you C2, DD, Jeanette....okay, you either Rachie.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
You should see my hair. If you did you'd say YES! Holy smokes it's dark.

Are you currently looking forward to anything?
Sex, but I don't expect to get any in the near future but a girl can dream, can't she?

Have you realized anything lately?
Men suck...oh wait, I've know that for about 27 years now

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough?
Depends on how long I knew them and what they did to piss me off. There's this one guy who's on his last chance right now. After that, it's blue shed for him!

Do you believe in love?
yes. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

Where would you rather live, England or Italy?
Italy, in Tuscany. I want to retire there!

Anything bothering you?
yes and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but get over it.

Love anyone?
We are not talking about that right now.

Have you ever kissed an ex after breaking up?
I plead the 5th. You'll never get it out of me.

Believe in love at first sight?
yes

What side of a heart do you draw first?
The outside. Then I plunge the spoon into it and dig out the insides. Hey, you asked!

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them?
No, I wait a few hours or days. It really pisses of my friends. It's so much fun - you should try it.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yeah, but he was body checking me into the wall and trying to steal the soccer ball from me. It didn't work.

You kissed someone Saturday, didn't you?
Damn it Rachie, I told you not to tell anyone!!! What is this world coming to?

Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground and carry you?
Yeah, but then they hurt their back and got all pissy abou it. That's body number 1.

Are you tan right now?
Pale as a ghost, making the hair look even darker.

Has anyone told you they don't wanna ever lose you?
yeah, but he was a liar like every other man I've met. (sorry guys, get over it or I'll add you to the blue shed list).

What's your relationship with the person you talked to last?
I am their captor. If they don't tell me what I want to know, I'm getting the spoon out.

Are you an alcoholic? No, but I am paranoid, schitophrenic, ADHD, and a bit bi-polar. You got a problem with that?

Do you find it hard to trust others?
Did I mention paranoid?

Do you believe love lasts forever?
Love, true love never dies.

Are you currently frustrated with a girl?
Yeah, did you hear Rachie told everyone about me kissing her on Saturday...the bitch!

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
do my dogs and kids count? NO? How about the hostage in the basement? It didn't work though. He's still not talking.

What was the last thing you said to someone?
Tell me what I want to know or I will spoon out the contents of your heart.

Will you forgive anyone for anything any time soon?
I've already done all my forgiving. I'm sure some stupid man will mess up, though and need more forgiving soon.

Do you like your carrots raw?
Is this some perverted question so you can imagine me eating them?

What should you be doing right now?
Eating raw carrots.

Whats been in your mouth today?
did I mention raw carrots? Oh yeah and "the spoon".

What would your best friend say if you called them a bitchassho?
I think I did that Saturday right before she kissed me. That's right SHE kissed me!

What is stressing you out most right now?
Trying to finish this endless note before bedtime. Sheesh will it ever end?????

Are you usually wide awake in the mornings?
Hell no. I stay up all night doing these stupid surveys.

How many times have you lied today?
I cannot tell a lie...I have no clue. How many questions in this survey?

Are you wearing rings? only in my nose.
What's your favorite milkshake flavor? Vanilla. That's it, no wise ass comment. Just vanilla.

Are you in an argument with someone important?
IF I was, I wouldn't be wasting my time doing this questionaire. I'd be kicking their butt from here to Toledo.

have you cried this week at all?
Way more than any normal person should. Stupid man

Silent Sunday

It's quiet here today. I'm glad too. I went out last night and got "get over the guy who broke my heart" drunk. Not that drinking ever solves anything but it does give you a time out from the heartache and pain. And, when I go out with my girls and I see all the guys checking me out, it does make me feel better. Especially, when the figure out I'm 12 years older than they thought.

Unfortunately, last night was plagued with much younger men. Our usual hot spot, with older guys was sadly disappointing in that aspect. Although, all the younger ones were checking me out, so it didn't disappoint there. We actually met two older women, who at first we thought were gay. Okay, so R was the first one to think it. I rarely go there, but they did look it. Then this younger guy heads straight for the older woman, hot to take her home...his friend tells us he has a thing for older women. The guy was cute too. I'm glad he didn't peg me for an older woman and head for my jugular, because it might have been a problem for me. I wouldn't have had the courage to turn him down. I know my ladies wouldn't have let me do anything I'd regret. The ladies were pretty cool. The type I could hang out with. I managed to get one of their names, but couldn't find her on the networking site. Bummer.

Any way, the quiet is good for my headache but not my head. I texted PJ last night and he didn't answer it. He didn't answer my last email, either. He did however send me one with a comment about one of my work projects. I'm not sure why he did that. I don't get him or how to act toward him. He has really broken my heart. I can't get over being sad by this whole thing and totally can't understand why he's done what he's done. I guess by my heart and head haven't figured it all out yet. All I can guess is he never really loved me. And, when the newness of it all wore off, he realized it. I wish he'd just admit it. why are guys so pathetic in that way. I kept asking him and you'd think it be easier when someone asks you for you to tell them. But he wouldn't do it. It seems unfair to me. But then again, it doesn't really matter. Because he doesn't want me and I can't do anything about it.

I'd like to say "next". But I can't do it right now. I'm too sad and hurt. I not sure I have the capability to dream about a life with someone again. It seems so hopeless. I like hanging with my friends and helping other people, but if that's all that's left of my life, it's pretty bleak. I can understand why my mom has pretty much given up on life. It's meant to be shared and she is so lonely. I feel so bad for her. Maybe when the child graduates, it's time for me to go home. At least then, I'll feel like I have a purpose.

Broken heart

I've had so many people write so many kind things to me since PJ broke my heart, I want to capture them here. I am so thankful I have such wonderful people in my life!

i'm really sorry about how difficult this relationship is. you definitely deserve to have everything you want in a companion. you're a terrific person with so many great qualities, and i really want things to work out for your happiness. seriously, i don't understand why some people seem to have no problems finding somebody special while even more terrific people have to go through a bunch of bullcrap. if he doesn't understand what he might lose out on, he's an idiot or he's all jacked up emotionally.

If that is it though – he’s an idiot – to think of giving up a beautiful person like you in one’s life just to not have to share the remote, change the thermostat, or the time one showers in the morning… that’s just being selfish and spoiled. I’m sorry hon, I’m sure you don’t want to hear/read my railing on the guy. I’m hoping things turn out well my dear

aww, c. i'm sooooo sorry. i just wanna die for you too!

Oh honey - you are loved and cared for by friends who wish they could take the hurt away. Anger on your behalf is boiling. Prayers for comfort on your behalf are being sent.

Oh Honey, what's up with that? I'm sorry I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better...make sure you plan to come to my farewell party on 9 Jan... (and anyone else who wants to come is also invited...)...

I’m so sorry – are you ok?????? I hate thinking about what you are going through . . .

Oh no... I was thinking that everything seems so right... after all theseyears, you guys were be together... I can hit my hubby since I can't slug PJ.

C– I log into FB every day – only because of you… you make me smile EVERY day. Have you ever considered writing for a living? I am in a mode of only reading books about 40 somethings ( and Dan Brown), and I constantly thinking that if you had written it, it would be funnier, Current book is :The Men I Didn’t Marry” by Janice Kaplan & Lynn Schnurnberger. Read it – you can write better than this! I doubt PJ is over you…. If not 40’s; 50’s or 60’s… Believe me – I was there in the 20’s… you have a supporter!

Oh girl, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hate to hear that your heart is broken, and I send you huge hugs. I'm proud of you for taking the chance to see where it might go, though...it totally sucks that it didn't work out. You are not a freak - you're normal like the rest of us - just trying to figure out an unpredictable world. Have faith, and don't give up. You're too special for God not to have a perfect plan in mind for you.

I hope that you are finding enough things to do to keep your brain going in a positive direction, bit by tiny bit. That is always so important, at least for me, so that it doesn't slip into what I call the "black hole" of emotions, where it is always so hard to climb back out. Tomorrow should be pretty when we wake up and the snow is still around!'

Geeez, it really hurts to see you go through this. I think you are a WONDERFUL woman, and any guy would be crazy to not want you - I told you that before (when you "dumped" me, LOL, or whatever you want to call that). Give him some time, and some space, and if he's worth it for you, he'd be crazy to let you get away. Seriously. In fact, I have half a mind to email him myself and tell him he's being an idiot. (but I won't, don't worry)

But anyway... damn, C, I've been through that too, so I think I do know how you feel: been there myself, and I know the hurt - intimately (unfortunately, I think I've been on both ends of that - and it hurts from the other end too, for what it's worth). I really really really feel for you. Sending you lots positive feelings, and hugs, and HOPE. Never lose that hope. You're wonderful, and things WILL come together for you. I believe in that.

oh Darlin... I am so sorry. I'm trying awful hard not to hate my life right now too. But, losing someone you love is the worst thing ever. Bleh!!!

I am so sorry. My heart is truly breaking for you. Come hang out with me sometime. We love you!

Now, if I can just start to believe half of what my friends have told me and drag myself out of this funk and get back to the place I was before PJ came back into my life.

Wishes

I wish I could make it better for you
I wish I could clear your mind
I wish I could find the words for you
I wish I could be so kind

Oh if wishes were horses
Then beggars would ride
And there wouldn’t be enough
Fields to graze.

All I can do is to walk from you
And, start all over again.

So I carry my heart in my pack flung about
Knowing I can’t bruise it worse
I look for a pile to bury myself
For I have too many wounds to nurse.

I wish you weren’t there
I wish I'm not sad
I wish life had semblance of fair.

Oh if wishes were horses
Then beggars would ride
And there wouldn’t be enough
Fields to graze.

So all I can do is to walk from you
And, start all over again.

The words of a friend

It is amazing how well a casual acquaintance can so accurately describe what I am feeling:

Life just sucks sometimes, doesn't it!

I am sorry that everything went the way it did. To invest your heart so deeply and to purposefully be openly vulnerable is such a hard thing to do let alone recover from.

I know the feelings you express. The disappointment and frustration. The loneliness while surrounded. The anger that swells and wanes inside (or even those times when it jumps up inside you when you didn't even know it was there.)

Please remember that despite everything you are feeling right now, you have value. You matter. And you are worth being loved.

I must say...I am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people! I just wish I had the man I remember PJ to be back in my life.

Snow

Heart shattered
all hope seems lost
Faith is shaken
despite the cost

Cover the land
with a layer of white
change from bleak
to possibly bright

quietly conforts
a blanket of love
Thoughts of childhood
those lost above

The land falls silent
sparkles like new
Faith returns
whispers "just for you"

DTM

Yes, I DTM’d him. DTM…what is that you say? Well, if you’re a dago, you’ll understand when I say it stands for Dead To Me. One of the trademark Italian-American punishments… “Don’t talk about him; he’s dead to me….” And, in Italian-American culture, it means that person no longer has your confidence or loyalty. They literally no longer exist on your mental or emotional radar. They are not worthy of your time or effort. Dead To Me.

So now PJ is DTM. I can’t believe that he just wigged and bailed out of our relationship. Any way I slice it, it doesn’t make sense. I truly believed he loved me and we would be together. I believed everything he wrote and believed his head and heart were truly into it. I still can’t fathom what changed….other than he is no longer in love with me. He insists that is not true. But I don’t believe him. I guess he is just trying to lessen the blow. But, I feel like it is BS. There is not point throwing the BS flag. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is he wanted out and now that he is; he is DTM.

I deleted all is pictures, texts, emails and anything I had that reminded me of him. I took his phone number from my phone (to prevent me from calling him in a moment of weakness). I threw away the tea pot he bought me. I brought in to work (and fed the vultures) the candy I had at the house for him to munch on. I threw away one of the Christmas presents I had (made – photography) for him. I have to figure out how to get rid of the presents I bought for his family. I have cigars from my visit to the DR for his dad and an antique bow we bought for his daughter. I don’t want to throw those things away…especially since his daughter really loved that bow and I adore his daughter. I don’t have an address to send these things to, though. Funny, huh? I’ve been to his house a few times but never knew the address. I won’t call him, though. Because he is DTM.

I still have the scarf and book he bought me. I really like the scarf. We bought it in NYC and it is not only warm but very in fashion. I think I will keep it. The book, on the other hand, is one that he wanted me to read. The Iliad or one of those intellectual “poems”. I tried to start reading it but it made my head hurt. I figured I’d wait til winter when the world seemed to be wrapped in a cocoon and maybe the boredom of winter would make the book more appealing. But, now, I think I’ll just chuck it. I hate throwing books away! But, it reminds me of him and I don’t to be reminded of him. He is DTM.

DTM doesn’t lessen the heartache. It doesn’t bring back the dreams that I had hung on our relationship. It doesn’t stop me from questioning God and why this had to happen to me (again). It doesn’t help a whole lot. But it does give me purpose. It gives me something to do, when I see those little triggers of facial fluid. Eliminate the triggers and eventually, the heart will mend and new dreams will take the place of old ones. God will be a wonderful Father in heaven to be praised rather than damned for not taking away this desire that can’t seem to be fulfilled. But, eventually is the catch word there. Right now, I’m hoping to make it a couple of hours without crying. And, coping the only way I know how. He is so DTM.

Wondering

I want to scream at you
To shake you
To crawl inside your head
And find the truth

I can’t and I won’t
So I won’t be heard
Only I’ll be hurt
And left wondering.

wind knocked out of me...

I love him. Still do. But not quite so much as yesterday or the day before. But he is the one man I thought I could trust. I hung my dreams on him. I was ready to change my life for him. And, he bailed. Ran off...just couldn't do it. Really, seriously, it just amazes me. Why does it always have to happen to me. I really did think this time it was it. That we'd figure it out and be happy. To steal my sister's words, "I thought fate had intervened and you finally had your life partner."

I know this isn't something (to steal my baby girl's words), "a whole lot of chocolate and a night out with the girls" can't help to solve. But my girls are gone so far away from me. It just isn't fair.

Why, God, why?

Other

When you’d rather "take care of things" than talk to the other, the relationship is over.
When you procrastinate calling the other, the relationship is over.
When, everything else seems more important than the other, the relationship is over.

You see, when the other is no longer significant, it is over.