time to leave

I’ve run into some bad luck at work. The company reorganized. I still have a job and my same responsibilities, but my group is now reporting to a new manager. It sucks because my old manager was fabulous. He was everything a manager should be- someone I respected and wanted to emulate. I don’t respect my new manager. I’ve worked with him in the past and never thought he was much of an engineer, project leader or manager. He’s not a bad person, but he lacks brains and people skills. He’s been promoted beyond his ability and I’m stuck reporting to him. I’m not happy about it. I told my friend how disappointed I was and how this change has really made me sad about the career aspect of my life. And, lately, the career has been the only thing good about my life. As anyone who has read this blog knows, my love life is less than exciting. Honestly, saying it is less than exciting is an extreme exaggeration in the positive. It’s pretty much sucked. My daughter’s situation is something I rarely talk about and will keep it that way. But, she pretty much walks the line and I’m constantly anxious and worried about her - afraid her next bad decision will be worse than the last. My family doesn’t live near by and they create nothing but havoc in my life. Not much support there. Never has been. So this is my life. I only keep plodding along because what more can I do? I can’t choose to leave this life…I have a responsibility to my child. I chose to give birth to her, therefore it is my responsibility to care for, nurture and be there for her. So, on this planet I am forced to stay… until God decides to call me home (hopefully rather than send me to the other after life).

I do feel this career “speed bump” is a call for me to wake up and realize this area holds nothing for me any more. I had never planned to stay on this side of the Mason-Dixon Line - well, at least not in this border state, any way. It was temporary - until my baby’s daddy and I split. Then it was still temporary, just a longer temporary. Come May, there is nothing holding me here. A couple years ago, my husband was the reason I’d stay. But now that he is the lying, cheating cowardly Ex, so, that tie has been broken. My career was going so well, that I had planned to stay. But, it doesn’t look like that will be the truth. So really what do I have to make me want to stay in this city?

My friend, Count von blackheart, tells me “but you have friends here.” And, sadly I think, yeah, that’s pretty flipping funny. Most of my friends are selfish people, who basically wouldn’t be around if I didn’t make all the effort. It’s pretty pathetic. I must say this isn’t all my friends. I have been blessed with some very loving, caring, precious friends. They are loyal and not perpetual takers. With them, I have a relationship that is give and take. They call me as much as I call them. They make an effort to be with me and don’t just use me when they have nothing better to do. They are reliable - show up when they say and don't leave me hanging. They care about my health, my family and my world in general, as I care about them. They worry when I’m upset. After I told one of these true friends how very sad I was about the manager change and how it is probably time for me to move on, he told me “you are the lump in my throat”. Just writing that phrase brings tears to my eyes. I wish it was enough to make me want to stay. But it isn’t. I know those friends will continue to be my friends even if we are miles apart, just as my Phi M sisters are still there for me 10 years and hundreds of miles apart. Though miles may come between us and our paths may drift apart, there is still a bond between us, that keeps us sisters at heart. Yes, I have a few friends (male and female) who aren’t sisters, but are the chains that allow me to be free; the mirrors that let me see me. They are half of my heart. They are worth far more than gold. They are kind; they are true. They are with me when I’m sad; they’re the laughter that make me feel glad. I’m thankful for that. I know even after I’ve moved to someplace warm and sunny, I will still call them my very dear friends.