Quiet doesn't mean content

I’ve been quiet lately. That’s what happens when I get depressed. I withdraw from everyone and hide inside my shell. Not sure what I’m depressed about. I guess I’m just bored with my life and most things in it.

Work is okay. Not fabulous. The boss is okay. I still don’t like him, but I keep trying to find redeeming qualities. One important, actually the most important, overwhelming piece of info is his boss, our group VP, likes him. Therefore, thus, hence, I must not give my boss cause to not like me. Trying to find redeeming qualities is not only the Christian thing to do (and should truly be reason enough) but is also the save my butt thing to do. It’s just hard to do because the guy is quite the idiot. But, I’ve learned to be a patient person – not something I expected would be so difficult when I prayed for it!!!! But, I have and I will use this patience to help me. But in the mean time, work is blah.

Same goes for personal life. It’s two fold and intertwined. I’ll start with the man scene. It sucks. Not just blah. It sucks!!!! Any time I meet a man I find physically attractive, he is too young to have a relationship with. Any time I find a man old enough, who is intellectually attractive, there is not a whole lot of physical attraction. And, damn it, I'm trying the you need to give it time to let it grow baloney I've been fed. It is a very, very rare occasion I meet a man my age, who is physically and intellectually attractive. SUCKS friggin big time!!!! I’d give up on the finding a man issue except the other part of my personal life is pretty dismal, too.

I’ve discovered that most of my friends aren’t very good at being friends that help out during these times of feeling blah. There are a few and one of them is surprising. But, in general, I think all my friends are takers. If I don’t make an effort to see them, if I don’t plan something, if I don’t ask, it doesn’t happen. Even if I ask and they say yes, it doesn’t always happen. I feel like I’m the last grain of rice on their plate. If nothing else is going on in their life, if no better plans come up, then they’ll hang out with me. But, no commitment will be made, no effort to make a plan and ask me to join, etc. Actually one person is giving me the cold shoulder because I don’t email long or interesting enough emails to him. It is a hoot. I told him I was depressed, bummed about my life and didn’t feel up to writing long emails about my evening, etc…rehashing the ennui that has taken over my life. It just pissed him off and he’s been a whiney bitch ever since. I'm not asking to be coddled, just for a break. Obviously, he doesn't know how to give one!

So, I guess this all comes with one week til my b-day. And, BFE wants to plan something for me. She is trying to figure out what to do and wants my input. All I can tell her is I don’t give a rat’s ass (where did that phrase come from - note to self, must look into that) if we do anything at all. Don’t care if I get a stinking present, drink, cake or happy b-day next week. I really don’t. You know how some people say, “Oh I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine,” but what they really mean is “do something fabulous for me or I’ll be upset.” Yeah, well this isn’t me right now. I really truly without a doubt - don’t care.

I’m tired of planning, doing and getting nothing back. I’m tired of feeling blah and being disappointed. I’m tired of the world and all the crappy people in it. I give up. I don’t feel like dancing in the f-ing rain. K? I just want to hole up in my cocoon and tell everyone else to go dance in the rain. And, if they happen to find a nice, attractive, intelligent man, who is my age, they should put down the lysergic acid diethylamide and take a step back, because they are obviously hallucinating.

So, here is my birthday wish list... this desire to find someone worthwhile in my life to go away and for me understand why it is so difficult to find friends who can be there for me like I try to be there for them. Oh yeah, while I’m at it, how ‘bout some world peace!!!!!