Spring Fever

Even thought today is the first day of spring, I think I have the winter blues. I’ve been blah for the past week or two, not really able to motivate myself to do much of anything. It’s pretty sad. I’m not sure what is causing it…whether it is physical from being sick, hormonal from dropping the pill, lack of sun, chemical imbalance or just plain fed up with my life. Any way my thoughts have been dark and dreary.

I’m bored with my life and would really like to just take off and start over somewhere warm, sunny with folks that are a bit friendlier… southern California comes to mind. But, that is just not feasible at this time. So, I stay here in this civil war border state and try not to brood about the weather. We’ll have about a month of rain and then over night, the sweltering days of summer will be here.

I’m bored at work. And, while I love my Boo, I’m finding that we spend less and less time together…as should be considering it’s time for her to take flight!

I am tired of guys. I’m tired of the extreme amount of attention they will lavish on you upon first meeting you to try and win your heart. It is just plain exhausting to deal with the constant attention. But then, when you get used to it, determine they are “worthy” and accept them into your life, they flake out. They decide they want their space or they get really demanding about your time. You stick with it in hopes they will go back to being that charming person you first met. But that person is gone…a false front they put up. Why do guys do that? Why can’t they just be themselves right up front…oh I know. Because they know we won’t have anything to do with their selfish, self-absorbent behavior. They will never have a chance to touch our naked breasts if they ever knew what jerks they really were.

So, now I’m swearing off men. My well meaning friend said, “Just as soon as you meet the next right guy, you’ll completely forget having ever even said those words. None of it will mean shit then and you’ll be bouncing around happy as can be again. Just a matter of time.” He is mistaken on several levels.

One, I have given up trying to meet men. It’s a time consuming waste of time. Seems like they are either too young or too broken from their last relationship or too single for too long. Two, his statement indicates that I’d meet the right guy…hahaha..see that is what I’m pretty sure will not happen. I’ve been plagued with losers and bastards my whole life. Why oh why should I believe that now, all of a sudden the right guy will magically appear? Seriously, why? Why should I have any faith in this whatsoever?

Yeah, my friend is right. IF the right guy were to appear, I’d be happy. But, I fail to see this ever occurring. Why? Because the man I want does not exist! I want someone who is a faithful, open minded Christian, intelligent, non-competitive, funny, can carry on a conversation from dinner til the light of dawn, who is sexy but not consumed with sex, who is kind, compassionate and knows how to be loyal. That’s it…that’s what I want. And, at my age, any guy who fits this bill is married or young enough that they want children and I don’t want any more. This man does NOT exist. And, I have finally come to accept that fact. And, that is why I have sworn off men. No point in being disappointed any more.

I’m trying to do all the things that I love…sports, writing, reading, gardening, etc. But I seem to be lacking in finding joy in them. I know I have a bunch of friends who have tougher concerns than I.. money problems, ailing parents, etc. So, I even feel guilty because I know things are better for me than them. So, I’m hoping to snap out of this shortly. Spring is here, right?!